Welcome to my Rambles!

4/12/2022

4/12/2022. Hello. I am Theseus B. Fall. I will introduce myself. I am a queer trans teen thats mentally ill. I'm gonna turn seventeen soon. My parents are abusive, I had two abusive exes and an abusive ex friend. I am into mcyt, hlvrai, ace attorney, epithet erased, rdr2, etc. A bunch of shit. I've been on tumblr since I was old enough to go on tumblr. My parents trapped me in my home where I live and have recently started to allow me to go out sometimes supervised. I talked to a very nice old lady yesturday and kept smiling like an idiot at the situation i was in-talking with another person face to face (with my dad their, yeah but still) but the years streak offically broke sometime ago when I went to walmart. I have another journal thats digital, not online. But idk. I dont know why I want to write a public blog.

I lose touch with reality often, I have DID, some sort of issue with daydreaming, something else I can't name, etc. I'm not here most often. Its scary but at the same time its just m life. I don't know. One thing I'm struggling with is the fact that I feel like ive lost my entire teenagehood to abuse and pain. Thirteen? Still recovering the aftermath of shit. Fourteen? My abusive ex boyfriend. Fifteen? Hell if I remeber that year honestly I'll dig through my old Journals to see what went wrong. I think I knew my abusive ex friend and my second abusive ex. Siteen? I just mentioned the last two. Alongside my parents abusing me all that time. S*xual abuse? Emotoinal abuse? Physical abuse? Almost got murdered multiple times? almost got kidnapped? I've exprienced alot. but it doesn't feel like it? It just feels normal. I wonder if you, the reader, will agree with me or not. Prolly not.

I can't really talk about my exes which sucks because its entangled in internet shit. The first ex was an abusive invader zim kinnie, he kinned Dib from the show. Remebered being Dib as a past life sorta thing basically, I'm not gonna explain in depth bout fucking kinning. I was Zim. Dib used that to sxually and emotionally abuse me, you know the drill. My most recent ex? Also had DID. and ALOT of mcyt introjects, the "main" ones factives aka factional introject, which also tied into the abuse they gave me in a way ig. So like. Yeah no i cannot get professional help for any of that shit because of a big set of context that I fear might be untranslateable. DID isn't an internet thing, what I meant by that bit in the context of my most recent ex is the whole introjects of internet personalities. I also fear that it might be confusing people if I talk about it because like. Theirs tons of misinfo out there? So in general its not worth if but fuck it. I'm talking on it on here! Because???? IDK!!! WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? IDK!

As of current the cat piss smell is everywhere where i live and that will never change I fear at this point. Its so upsetting too I'm starting to become constantly upset which sucks because that is not good. I mean well duh but its like. Triggering in a way? I am more? something? words fail, what can i say. (that was a deh reference. huge musical fan.) I just realized isn't this a homestuck day(Tm). Wait no thats tommrow. Nvm that thought. How do you talk to people anyways? I dont know. I cannot stay on one topic for long im all over the place.

So. I started to make the largest food stash I've ever had. Thats interesting. I found an old stash with just one of those bars today. Its recent I think Ok i admit i was into homestuck but into a kinda distant way if that makes sense. Does anyone remeber those homestuck fansongs? I'm now listening to homestuck fansongs holy shit middle school is calling LOL.

I'm a fucking talker huh? I talk so much. Why am I not like this when I'm streamer? Well I go verbally mute sometimes and have trouble physically speaking and I'm afraid of my parents doing something bad during my streams but like. God I am jsut going off with so many fucking paragraphs. Sure its about trauma but shows I can talk about anything. I promised myself I would work on a video. Here I am! Not doing it! Wow! Look at me!

I love itch.io. I found a c!wilbur fangame. I'm gonna play it sometime. I wanna play tons of games on there. I really really like Wilbur and Technoblade. I just got deja vu like I typed this before but anyways. I credit the dream smp, Wilbur, and Technoblade as saving me. but am i really saved? I dont know. I just get emotional attachments. I forgot bout my ex and I got into dsmp around right after the election in the plot, when c!Jschlatt became prez. I just got into Technoblade around then too. I got into technos content because he sounded so familiar but i couldn't place where I heard him before and I swear he sounded like someone important in my life that I mustve forgot? I never figured out why he sounded so familiar. That was the reason why I got into him and why I feel a bit parasoical about him haha. I hate the word parasocial we all use it improperly and changed its fucking meaning imo. Being parasocial is normal? Its how you get driven to make friends in everyday life or I guess thats how its supposed to function without fucking youtubers n shit. I admitely got really into dream smp because their was a little animatic of the "14 hours" bit and I saw that C!Wilbur had a trenchcoat. Note I just got out of being really really into heathers once again (err. is just the right word? feels like just. I knew i was into it while i had my 1st ex. then it gets blurry. doesn't matter.) and all my life i've wanted a fucking trenchcoat I love how they look so I saw that animated minecraft skin and I was hooked. Congrats. Just have a trenchcoat that I want and is gender and you got me. C!Wilbur during pogtopia is so fucking gender btw that is just a fact. Like. G-d I wanna FUCKING look like that Man!!!!!!!! What the hell!!!!!! So. Thats how I got into mcyt again. Well. I was always into mcyt lets not lie. I was just. prehaps to into yandere high school by samgladiator. That series was/is a special interest (i have adhd or autism or something my parents said i had one of those two but always switched them up. I kinda guessed/ self-dxed i had those. I have so much trauma with medical professionals gifted to me from my parents or just from my life so. I dont trust psychatry but if it works for you than go ahead get your therapy kings/queens/enby royals but I would have a panic attack if i had to tell therapists Shit.

Should I just like. Ramble? is that how I talk to friends? say something like "c!wilbur is so gender" in my little friends discord with an image of the skin attached? (That sentence. would sound so fucking odd without the context of it a minecraft roleplay so sorry). I'm so fucking insecure like am i friends? How does one be friends? are me and x close or not? are all questions i ask all the time. I am trying to start watching movies with some of my friends so. lets see if that works. OH ALSO. I have trouble hearing things. the two times ive discord vc'd with people has been HELL like. my discord volume in the little settings thingy was all the way up and i have to ask to literally anything anyone says is "Repeat that" and hope understand something. GOD. its so fucking painful. I dont have the discord app downloaded. How do i fucking have the abilty to hear in discord calls? Why am i asking none of you will respond right? This is just a void. If you do fucking. answer my question fair fucking play ig. I'm hungry. I used to have an ed. Is this tmi? Should i stop typing? this is just me thinking but im writing it. stream of consioussness type beat. Congrats you get to read my shit. Idk what to say or what to end this with other than a write more here in one moment than i do in my normal journal in my normal shit i just write like. one sentence. or two. or something. at a time. Also i remapped my keyboard/removed a bunch of old set keymaps or whatever because A BUNCH OF KEYS STARTED TO WORK AGAIN OUTTA NOWHERE. So now I am not longer nerffed because my keys suck yayyyy I can write fast and less error-y. I think its obvious that I either am a writer or a youtuber (under another username. which i now have conflicting feelings about so fuck.) by how much I fucking type. I'm gonna heat up some shit while my mom won't make me feel like shit for getting something for eating. So. I hope you enjoyed reading a strangers thoughts. or a friends. or someone to yous thoughts idk whos reading this. I will leave you with a terrifing question.

How much of you is hopes and dreams? How unstable is what you have crafted yourself? Can you make it any stable? Can you get out of what your in?

Their. questions to make you think bout yout own life and maybe also journal bout that your welcome. I think.

4/15/2022

I have beeen. Anxious. about posting on this blog again. It seems weird that people actually see this. Someone actually commented. I am not able to reply because my account is fairly new so. That sucks. I want to comment about my previous entry before I go on to what I wanna talk about here. Parasociality from my understanding of it is being interested in someone. For example I made friends with someone in my online school (it was the abusive ex friend who I'll reffer to as "peaceful" from now on if i remeber to.) because I was interested in them as a person. They were good at math, they had a cool name. Of course they knew of me but it was still parasocial. So naturally being parasocial is normal because thinking someone is interesting is literally an everyday thing. Thinking someones art is interesting and that they have a cool art style is parasocial. Having a crush on someone because they look cute is you being parasocial. I think parasocial has gained a negative assocaiation which i disagree with. Am I using parasocial wrong? I don't know its become everyones fave word like "gaslight". People misuse the word "gaslight" all the time for the meme which. I am guilty of but i disagree with. If i am misundersanding the word parasocial and my knowledge is wrong I will still be calling crushes being "parasocially gay" for someone.

I'm supposed to be doing online school but i need breakfast and I do not fucking. care I have like. things to do that intimadate me so I'm restorting to my normal shit. I also wanted to talk about my terrifying question from last time. I dont know how terrifing it is for other people or if its only terrifying towards me. I am a kid whos up in the clouds (so to speak) in some way twenty four seven. I am always not here in reality in some way. It fucks me up with literally everything. Including the stability of my life and how much of me is literally just a rando kids dreams that don't actually affect the world and dont matter because everythings kind unreal to me always all the time and it scares me to think that hey. It might be real. What people have called a delusion (or a trauma response), well the few that know about IT, that you know happened as a child might actually be fake. You might actually have no power in the world. I'm not gonna go deeper since i tried to write two entries about that before and oh boy that DID NOT go well you don't wanna see that shit. Its still kinda fucking me up right now.

I am currently doing a file backup of my computer. I've been trying to do a backup for the past few days. I am so scared of losing everything. Its just of my laptop which has more cracks than i can trust myself to count. (its 1:11 pm i like to keep note of repeating numbers like that? in times n shit? because its so neat. its a neat time of day.) and something is disconnected from the charging area so it in all reasonable ways should be bricked but no it still has the capability to charge, lets not question it or dwell on it much longer. Its also had a minor glitch in the montior since I got it but its long past warranty so it doesn't matter anymore. My computer has stopped the error that came with every update where apparently my os or hard drive couldn't be found. That bricked another laptop but not this one! This ones a fighter! Also the keyboards a bit broken. All these flaws kinda prove that this is a reasonable fear. I am not paranoid. I promise I might seem paranoid in other ways but in this way I am not.

So. Something i've been wanting to talk about. I am a fanfic writer. You all know this I'm pretty sure I put it on the main page of this site. And I feel like my work has been degraded which oh boy. With trauma around the concept of intellegence (from my parents making me think i would be sent to a death camp if i wasn't smart enough when i was like. four or five. to the most recent stuff with peaceful and my ex.) it scares me to think that my work isn't as good as before. "Writing good" is apart of my intellegence. I've never questioned my intellect before peaceful and my recent ex and the shit that happened (s*xually abusive shit but i refuse to say they s*xually abused me because im in some sort of denial of that i guess and im worried about what they'd say and alot of other shit.) Also its strange what happened because. well. I often hate myself because my recent ex made me do something bad because they threatened suicide constantly so I had to do things in order to keep them alive (In this case fap to. misoginistic p0rn and stuff that disgusts me. Nothing illegal but disgusting. that I think people would hate me for. but also. I had a life in my hands. I would've been at fault for a death if i didn't. What was I supposed to do? I dont wanna be a killer. That was true then and now.) and I was peacefuls little immoral science experiment, and the reason why he was alive. He forced me to hear about his masterbation habits constantly and he even blamed me once when he couldn't masterbate. I knew what he fapped to. I had to fap to that. So its weird how they both sort of led me to the same thing at the near same time like it was planned. Which oh boy thats a scary thought so lets run away from that.

Now that their is more distance between me and them and what happened my fear of losing my intellegence is decreasing or almost gone (with some astreicks to that I think) but my fear of not good enough writing is still their. I also have trauma around my writing (thanks to my parents) BUT. it shouldn't make me afraid of my writing being worse. For example, the work that will define me and be my legacy unless if i make something greater than that, It's been 50 weeks since i saw vienna. I saw a tumblr post that called rpf immoral (all my rpfs are a fusion of rpf and non-rpf fiction so it really isn't rpf in my eyes and I'm sure the readers would say the same, and some of my rpf fics aren't even rpf at all like Lemon Boy, the tag is just their because people search for minecraft roleplays under rpf because a03 doesn't have proper minecraft related tags and never well because its a dumpster fire of a mess of a tagging system thats too big to fix. but. also.) and rpf kinda is what the fic kinda is, but i was never taught that. Its not a ship fic (thats gross) and i was taught that rpf was okay and i met so many amazing people who are good people via this work and works like this and this is my most popular. so. thats a moral delima but lets just. brush that off again and think about that later. I've done morally worse things because I was forced to in order to keep someone from commiting suicide. Hell I had to fucking commit suicide if my ex did! That was fucked. Thats another moral delima. I wanted to save them but was it more of self preservation rather than care? Almost every moment of my life in 2021 I had to be by my exes side and stop them. I also had to pretend to be another alter alot of the time, to the point where I got the delusion (because I suffer from that, delusionally thinking im someone else other than me.) that I was the alter even though I didn't speak like them, didn't have the same personality, and it was clear that it was me Theseus but to make them happy... To not be responsible for a death... I was Toms.

That went of track but. Look at chapter one and chapter nine of 50 weeks (the fic above. nine is the latest). Its basically just me fucking projecting my shit onto a fictional character which idk if that helped at all really but. They are so different in style in my opinon like. What happened? Why is it so different? I know I, Theseus, wrote those chapters. Are they the same and I just view myself differently? I dont know. I wish I could have anothers opinon on this. I guess thats why I'm writing this. I've been unable to write any fanfic for awhile, I've been writing original works again. (also btw I do think both chapter one and chapter nine are good but. its different. its werid how i like my writing when its posted and feels detatched from me. All things I make are naturally good to me when their like that because I naturally cringe at this that feel like me. Its a reflex I'm working on.)

Back to the rpf debate like. I was always taught that everything I wrote was fanfiction by my parents. A character has the same name as another? Despite them being totally different? thats stealing. thats fanfiction. At least in my parents eyes. I tried so hard for them to validate me but it never worked. So the fanfiction I have written that is posted on their getting validated, the fanfiction that i have written that doesn't break the creators boundaries, that being praised? That makes me so fucking happy. That so so many people have seen my writing, not just friends, and praised it. That maybe I'm good at this after all and my parents praising it on their nice days wasn't them just being nice. but. I don't know. to hear that it might be wrong even though the content creators would disagree from what I'm aware of. its weird.

I don't know what you think. Is this all just stupid and silly? What do you think readers? Also please hope that this file backup works this time. I need this. I also did a email to myself one year in the future kinda thing. Even if your suicidal and don't plan to live for long (I'm not suicidal btw. I want to live for some ungodly reason that even escapes me how did i stop being suicidal? When I find that answer I'll get to you. I kinda know the answer its just. continuting. but their is more to it that I'll have to find. Same issue with how i recovered from my basically Eating Disorder. Hell if i know but im determined to find out how i did it to help others because. why not. I survived so you will also. It isn't a choice.) you should do it. heres where you can do it. Write an email to your future self even if you think they wont exist.

I might write more here later, but I need to do a bunch of school really quick so I'll leave you with a few questions you can journal about: What do you think about what I have written? Have you ever been forced to do something against your morals to keep someone alive? If so how do you feel about it now? Do you have any moral delimas your currently going through?

Unrelated to the prompts: I am worried about oversharing and traumadumping and shit but. Fuck it I'll continue writing this even if i'm worried about sharing too much. Peaceful forced me to do something similar to this aswell as my most recent ex and my first ex. By similar I mean share everything wrong with me and share all my internal thoughts all the time but this time I have a choice and i've been missing dumping myself so to say even though it got me hurt. And I'm afraid about talking about anything with my friends because of that part of what happened that i'll prolly explain more later. Enough procrastonating. I'm gonna do something so I dont get an absence in my science class (I will journal about my feelings about science but I LOVE science but i feel like their is something more than what I'm taught so its lackluster.). Wish me luck and I'll wish you whos reading this luck on whatever thing you have to do (that isn't you, the reader, attempting to die related.)

4/17/2022

my keyboard broke and my backup finally finished today! my typing speed is slowed so this is gonna be hard to write. Happy everything! lots of religions have holidays this month so. Happy holidays.

I follow my own holidays (none this month) and what my fam does.

Anyways, talking about my trauma and a bunch of shit might be triggering to me because i had a bit of a bad time cause by various things that are related to my most recent ex and i think it was a bit fueled by my journal and other factors. One of the thoughts ive had since starting this blog is how weird is it that people can read and interpret me however they want. Apart of me wants to prevent misunderstandings that one may get while reading this but at the same time i have no control over what others think. speaking of journals i dont know if any of my journals have been working to improve my memory? Because i still forget and it might be worse. I dont read i them i just write. Thats why i relate to this lyric from the song "empty pages" in a self preceived odd way: "Thousand empty pages filled with a memory that's faded/Ink begins to splatter, voices say it doеsn't matter, oh" . To explain, The song is about c!ranboo from dream smp. He has memory problems, writes bout em. While the chararcter lost an imporant journal i have all of mine i think. My journals might not really matter because i just waste my time. my private one where i write sentences every minute, with longer bits. That ive used while i knew peaceful and my most recent ex. That i can look back but i dont. So so many digital pages i ignore because i dont want to see that. I have a physical book that i kinda write in. I looked back at the entrys awhile back and that caused. something bad. maybe a panic attack idk i cant tell you i dont wanna look back in my private digital journal.

the only entry i look back on is the morning of 10/25/2021 where i recount what happened on the night of the 24th/early morning of the 25th i dont know the exact time it happened. I was already repressing some of it by then. When i talked to a friend that day i just. had to get it out so i told a friend about it. i forgot what told that my dad did it just those moments later but i read back and i knew. i knew instictivly it was my dad. and i knew because he gave himself away with that kiss. that i forgot. I remeber trying to name what happened in that moment and the moments after, praying to a diety i made before having to sleep that night.

odd to talk about this right now but whatever.

yesturday i thought about my first 3ds. My parents sold it and all the games, made up a lie to justify it. I guess i got too attached? They hate it when i like objects. Theyve hurt me over liking objects. I was in middle school and it still hurts today! the files where wiped prolly by now but id give anything to at least have my pokemon x cartage back. I avoid that game now because of the memories. If their was a way i could just summon it, take it from that time all those years ago i would. no matter the cost. I mean that. I would be saving brooke (bro-key), etc. all of my pokemon. I would be healing the wound. maybe someone has my save file. its in danger every second its away from me if its still their it could be deleted at any time. ive been wanting to find it. if it still had my dear pokemon... am i weird? im gettimg so upset over this i avoid it like the plague it haunts me like a trauma. my parents didnt like a friend i had when i was a little kid and tried to do something similar. Both times they tried to convince me that it was changing me, in a way they didnt like.

i was a kid. having fun. who tries to ruin everything over control? I dont know. thinkin about this is bad. To quote the song i mentioned earlier "Never reminisce or you'll lose everything you've earned" is a weird thing i relate to. get. as long as i dont think about anything thats happened, i keep my progress. as long as ignore it its fine. As long as i go on and pretend it doesnt exist im mentally healthy. but. avoiding all your life at all costs is so hard and i cant follow it. I cant do it i ignore the bad and i also dive deep into it and fuck me up. its contradicting. that lyric applies to my most recent ex i think. as long as i run from the fact they abused me im fine just ignore the gaping not their hole of 2021 its fine. but its not.

I thought i was healing. Ive been making kandi again. with the color of beads that my first ex used to hurt me. Bought from the same set. I dont feel like me. I dont feel like theseus b. fall. im another right now i think. Theseus/me made one of our name awhile back. yesturday theseus/me made a creative looking one based on wilbur soot that i was mocked for because liking things is bad to my parents.

my parents are monsters. Calling me the monster for hitting them back when they hit me all those years ago. now we dont fight because it just leads to pain. thats why we didnt fight back that night with dad. Hes tried to kill us for less and get angry when we dont do what he says. I need to stop writing this i think. its making us worse.

I like to think we seem happy and ok to others despite our struggles, that they might not know about, so this little corner of this site. hmn. I guess i am a Eccedentesiast? I dont think i fake a smile. Im just "good" in a sense and not that open about struggles (i say. on a public site. but my friends dont go here i think so its fineee im doing good.) im just good to people because they desrve me to try my best to be good to them. People are good when they are happy. Am i liar for not wanting to take out my emotions on others? i just want people to know that i love them, that i want whats best for them and that i want to know about them and I guess i want to show i care. am i a manipulator for that? for not just dumping everything? I leave messages saying that all my friends are great friends and thats the truth. but still. peaceful was a prick who forced me to be open about everything constantly. i had to dump all of my pain on peaceful or he would get my parents to kill me or kill me himself. im lucky he didnt do that the one time he thought i was leaving something out for not knowing something. My ex wasnt any better either so i guess normak friend ship is odd to me? do i make sense anymore? I prolly dont. whatever.

I dont have a prompt. I dont really know shit right now so I need to get myself back so. for your prompt: what do you think? I had a good one i wanted to actually do today. might write nother entry if i find it. theres so much unsaid here but. idk. ttyl lol. Im not me so not a good time for writing.

Here's how you can make bold and italic text.

4/18/2022

later entry for me. its way later than when i would normally post but i wanted to ramble about discord. (I also have thoughts on preresents here on neocities reply to my journal in their little blog thing ill be talking about here.)

first, that reply at first made me feel an emotion. I often worry about what i write and mean in these writings and if i am understood so usually i have that worry no matter what when interacting with this corner but those worried were cut short by an emotion. "it hits an an odd way" is what i put in my online private journal (sounds oxymoron reffering to it like that but its true) and i still stand by that. Like their was tons of flashing lights pointed to me. "repression and disassociation... allows people to deal with memories. because to remember those memories would make life unbearable...and in a sense... Fall just focuses on their "happy side". trying to convince themselves that they are happy, with their friends, because to remember all the bad things in their life would lead them to think about nothing else." to quote parts of preresents' writing for a tiny bit of context. That first line it what started the feeling. I mean that in a /pos way. not negative.

I admitedly think about people reading or somehow finding out my trauma and me and analyzing me. That seems relevant here somehow. Idk how yet. Emotions are odd.

onto discord because I dont know what to say about that other than i like people writing about me, not in a "narssastic" way or however that term has been apropriated for other uses than the cluster b mental illness npd. Anyways, discord reads your messages. I know that. my "online private journal (sounds oxymoron reffering to it like that but its true)" is on discord. so its techincally an oxymoron because discord reads it. knows the gaps and what i do and thoughts. but i use it. I never intended to have it years ago before i even knew about the reading messages thing. I was against it but only got it because i thought tumblr people use it so i'd need it. it ended up eventually being useful all those years ago.

I know i should care but. discord fits my threats. my parents could read any journal at any time but on my private server they cant. So i dont have to worry about getting hit or killed for writing about the truth and all that i hide for my survival. Besides. you can delete shit on wire, a private chatting thing. your supposed to get messages back once you delete the app but i never did and its all on an old phone i refuse to try and turn on and somehow maybe recover messages to save because. my first ex, back in 2020 used that app as major communication at one point. so much evidence of abuse gone. on discord well, discord chat exporter. export messages using that app and done. i have evidence against my second abusive ex. not the first. so i dont like things that are secure in that way.

my first ex, lets call him D. D won that way i think. its me verses him. sure he did bad shit in tumblr dms but. if i was in a situation where i was successful in something..people naturally want those with success to fail. Thats why that doc abot dream with evidence like "my friend said dream said (racist thing) but their is no clip of it on the internet but i trust my friend" (AKA LIES that people believe because people know what a source is they just dont care about truth) as half the document got so many notes on tumblr. If my videos went somewhere, D could drag me down because even with my little proof I have disorders. Ableist but people wouldnt care. Thats why i am also afraid of peaceful. He was transphobic and used me as a tool to hurt and study and play with. he wasnt suicidal he was just an abuser. I have so much evidence but it doesnt matter. hes a christan white boy who thinks being white makes him oppressed. People would eat anything he said regardless of my evidence of our chats. Even "woke" people.

Im terrifyed of not being belived, of abusers coming back and ruining me. They have my address. its what peaceful held over my head. he lives around thirty minutes away. at any moment he could come and kill me. say one thing to my parents to get them angry enough to kill me. its a fear i held when we knew each other. The beginning of the end of me and peacefuls relationship/friendship is something he said (well it went on for months after that, ended in october) "God, we’re a pair aren’t we? Two kids willing to kill and bleed themselves for each other. Sounds like bad Shakespeare. Regardless, I’m always here." and more shit that im not quoting so he cant find me. My blood chilled. Hell even dad had noticed what was wrong this was somehow in June of 2021. I knew him for so long but. I didnt want to do shit for him. he made me fucking comply and yet. saying that we were a "platonic" (i always thought he was crushing on me). shakespeare tragdey. Of what that message implied to me. He knew exactly what to say to get me to realize something was very very wrong with the non-con situation of everything. from the emotional to sexual shit. and i couldnt do shit. for months. Although i dont remeber most after then. I was toms then. (basically with DID you are fragmented and it seems like seperate personalties/people in one body. Toms is basically another person in my body, at least to me.) and toms got hurt often and peaceful used the situation to his advantage. He made me hate toms. Made toms hate me. well less hate but more envy? To quote a few songs: "I don't want what you have/I wanna be you" and "I'm everything you always wanted to be/Let's deal with the issue:/You wish you were me". I mean if you look at the disorder DID we are the same person but to me Toms isnt me. I was given the persepctive that he was always happy, that peaceful liked him more than me. but ofc toms was unhappy and in pain and broken by peaceful. Peaceful even said something he knew that i would see to make me feel. so much. i felt like those song lyrics before that incident and it made it worse. made me want to be toms, whos an introject of tommyinnit. (a youtuber. a youtuber lives in my head yes its ok no im not just rping please dont harrass me over my DID. my maladaptive daydreaming and hallucinations/delusions already bother me enough. ) instead of both of us stemming from the same brain we were sepereate species. Toms wrote alot during those months and i read those things. (DID involves memory loss so.)

its been a bit. I wanted to write about something preresent wrote. to quote: "i think i read about repression in my sagan book. that people who lived through the holocaust simply didn't remember it, or talked about it as if it were a separate event. because to be reminded of the hell they went through, would be in a sense living through it again." It might be irrelevant but my great-great grandmother or something was a holocaust survivior, Jewish, so im jewish by ethincity. Which makes my dads antisementism awkward. mom just tells me to ignore it, if i dare speak up about how he maybe shouldnt say "x" or "y" about jews. The holocaust survivor met my dad before she died. She was so scared that it would happen again. That she would be taken away at any moment. She was the only person who survived in our family, had my grand mom after it all. Dad told me that it was because she was smart that she lived. That puts what i said in a previous entry into context. Ever since i was like five i knew of it all. Dad made me think a second one was gonna happen and i was gonna die if i wasnt smart enough funnily enough. fucked up. ig. Its prolly irrelvant but made me think bout it. Also reminds me of me because i was also scared like my grand great mother. of n*zis and my abusers. Ill expand more about that someday

I lost my motivation. how do i always get here? to trauma? the thing i dont wanna think about always comes back. Well, Thanks for reading. I dont wanna write anymore. Journaling prompt? whats something you avoid but always end up back to? and/or write about thoughts that sprun up from reading this. I'll write later, tommrow or whatever.

4/20/2022

this orginally was very different. I wrote the start of this last night, a whole entry based on preresent (on neocities) latest article that they deleted like two seconds after posting it. My entry never went public as i saw the post became deleted while writing. Preresents article was "in the defense of pedophiles" and i will admit the title horrified me so i decided to write a whole ass entry with my thoughts but it was hard because it had no point, no defense? I will admit mine had no point either as i started to get tied up in semantics and explaining my feelings on the age of consent, how bullshit it is (its 14 in one state) and how im against adults dating minors, the age of consent could be higher, and fresh adults like 18-19 maybe 20 year olds are okay to date older teenagers like 17-16s depending on age and blah blah blah. Big Older Adults shouldnt date kids, and when it gets closer to 18 it gets blurry because i think the age of consent should be higher but also some 18 year olds can consent i guess and thats where got i caught up with explaining my complicated feelings.

but besides the author defined the article as an ad hominem anyways so. I did get caught up in that whirlwind of emotions it wanted to create. that is irrelvant.

Ive read some of preresent (on neocities) other stuff other than their replies to my thoughts. I dont know my thoughts tho on their other shit. My memory is odd ill have to reread shit if i wanna write bout my thoughts.

I have school that i should be doing but fuck that shit. I need to eat breakfast n stuff.

I want to make a little privacy guide. One of the preresent articles i remeber is on privacy and to quote that article: "So yeah. Privacy doesn't really exist. Your phone tracks you, your ISP tracks you, your government tracks you, et cetera et cetera. And you do it because you have no choice. You could be completely anonymous at home... but then your school/job requires you to use some nonfree tracking software, or the police bust in for some bullshit reason, or maybe you just want to buy something from Amazon, and suddenly that nugget of data is being passed around trillion-dollar companies. Privacy, like other human rights, shouldn't have to be a "you" problem; you shouldn't have to be the one making compromises to do things."

I operate on the philsophy that if its on the internet its gonna be public one day but you can try your best to protect it. https://ms-demeanor.tumblr.com/ I borrowed that from that tumblr blog i linked which from one ask i read sometime ago they share a similar philsophy. So i operate that all my shit is private but its not. a bit weird. Be aware that i feel a bit blurry so i might make some mistakes and I will make this its own page eventually bc i love this topic privacy is a special interest of mine, i try to keep this as bare bones as possible with the talking about each thing and i will get into the meat of it in its own page.

So, first up. Firefox and riseup vpn are your friends, use them. Riseup is by an activist group and I trust them! They are good. Firefox might be a bit iffy outta the box but its in inprovment and you can improve it. Bitwarden its the only good password manager that i have used. Proton vpn appears to me trustworthy but rise up is better and will always be better. I have used both and proton vpn is literally worse than riseup riseup runs better from my experience.

Exetensions are a long list so here we go:

Their is also Tos;dr Terms of service: Didnt read which is a website and has an addon that summarizes the tos of what website you are on so you know exactly what yours signing up for and is useful. The wayback machines extenstion can archive stuff and if a page is missing you can view an archive of it on archive.org. Very useful. I go on archive.orgs page to save most often because you cant set it to save outlinks in the extension but that is a me thing.

for paywalls, "bypass paywalls clean", and "unpaywall" are good, paywalls might not be that privacy related but its still important while we are here to mention.

Now for email protonmail is the best, Tutanota is a bit of a pain and protonmail is all around better.

and actually, despite preresent (on neocities) saying "...That also got me thinking about how our school uses gmail, and we all know google sells your data. (We can't use Proton or something because Google Docs is pretty much the only good collaboration document and Classroom is pretty much the only good, erm, classroom.)..." their is a good alternative to google docs, cryptpad. I still use google docs but that is very rarely i need to do online collaboration on docs, my school uses zoom for the rare live classes we do (which i have in its own little box of just zoom and only zoom) So i cant speak on classrooms. The reason i use google docs is literally to write a doc for a series i have with other people that also are on the series and need to edit it so. whatever.

Microsoft word can be replaced with libreoffice. You can even save this as .docx files so if you are required to upload something for example as a .docx (word file) you can.

privacy vs anonimity. Ok so people some might recommend tor browser. Tor is good for anonimity. Dont use tor for sensitive information, create a new identity completely seperate from your normal self if you sign up for anything on tor no vpn plus tor that will give you away. You can install ublock since tor browsers bundled with tails come with that but anything else will identify you. I might write a guide on how to properly use tor.

For messaging signal or wire. I dont use wire anymore because of trauma related reasons (my ex was able to abuse me and get me to erase everything so their was no evidence. despite what the app claims if you try to import after exporting you will lose your messages only keep contacts despite it being the same device.) but it is good if you want something private, thats for sure.

use open source software, shotcut is good for video editing for example. For operating systems linux is good (linux mint i hear is good.) but im stuck with windows because my parents would beat me if i had anything but windows so for operating systems do your own research.

Encrypt your shit and backup your shit. Passwords are the most legally protected and the safest option, so no pins or whatever. Use passwords. Keep the backup of your files in a safe place. Also if your out in public get shit that covers all your usb and other plug-in able areas on your laptop, get one of those screen covers that prevents shoulder surfing and always lock your computer when walking away from it. (also if you go in public wear a mask i will write an article about how you should wear one i swear WEAR A MASK. IT STOPS THE SPREAD OF FLU AND COVID. IT PROTECTS VUNERABLE PEOPLE IF YOU WEAR A MASK. PLEASE.)

I have shit i need to do aswell as a migrane, I dont know what to write anymore because of my migrane. Ill write a proper entry talking about life events later. Uh. Journaling prompt is what is your thoughts on this guide?

ok little update i forgot: search engines. DuckDuckgo, Startpage, Qwant. I'll write more later and be more clear but i have a migrane and im sick rn i think so i am having trouble.

4/25/2022

so a glitch removed my site but i am back! and it gave me time to ponder this whole thing. I dont like what ive written so far. Its like. All negative when in reality i am numb to my circumstances and its all fine so. Im fine. its all fine.

So. Since last time. Many things have been happening. One of my best friends lives with someone bad again. I am being vauge here for the friends privacy. Im emailing my friehd every day and messaging them because i promise. I hope they apperciate the sentiment once they have internet again.

I've been dissocating quite a bit lately, its getting worse. their is also so many secrets lately. Secrets that i cant tell anyone or something bad will happen. I am okay saying they exist but. I hate bad secrets. secrets you need to keep because youll get hurt and things will fall apart if you tell.

Ive been trying to write fanfiction. its been a ton of incomplete works.

Ive been watching productivity vidoes lately, i hate capitalism and the idea of productivity but its fun to have them to listen to its relaxing to hear people talk about a random topic.

I dont really have much to talk about because its all hazy. I talked to preresent/Dragos in email! it is pog talking to them in a more personal way. I cannot spell their neocities tbh words and letters float for me alot so like. preresent is a hard one. Im not dislexic everyone is a bit dislexyic imo and mine is just a bit more than normal. I like to read alot too which is funny considering it takes me a bit sometimes lol. I sucked at an assingment today because i was forced to do the option that is really really inconveint for me, a word floater.

SHE (all caps) is back in my life. shes nice now. lets hope it stays that way. Thats really all i can say on that. Another secret

ANYWAYS. I got really really into two hlvrai aus! y2kvr.tumblr.com and hlvrv.tumblr.com. I basically finished all of y2kvr, it is an au that has y2k as a major plot point and hlvrv is a bunch of bad ends of aus come together. sounds lame but its better than i described it but i am a bit too cautious about spoilers so. bland explanations are what i do. leaves more of a mystery to why are they so good maybe. I love swap and kittles (is that the spelling?) in hlvrv. I had no idea what hlvrv was or how to read it for awhile, same with y2kvr it took me a while to realize they are tumblr blogs it was mystery to me LOL.

I figured out how to download music from spotify! No premium. Deemix-gui is a godsend. Mix that with a youtube downloader for all music deezer doesnt have and playlist archival is easy. Their are so many fake links for it. https://deemix.app/gui is the real one, its linked to in the reddit for the app n all lol.

I finally got things sorted with some tech issues and i am now able to take a class i want to take? I think i do? Idk. I dont wanna know i think its better if i dont question it. Its so blurry recently and everything seems fine but its not. not at all. but my life is so blurry and their is so much i cant say so their is no way to make it better. Ive been having trouble sleeping at night but changing some simple things in my room fixed it. at least for that night.

I cry alot at night. because of a secret. that everyone will hate me if they knew but i had no choice. i had to do it. it was nothing illegal or bad but i still feel bad. KS (What ill nickname my second ex) gave me no choice. If someone knew, if i told them the full extent than maybe theyll say KS is at fault. or im at fault. Even though i was the one whos autonomy, whos self, whos right to consent, was taken away.

Im gonna reply to some of preresents previous replies and give some thoughts on it. I was worried about doing so because tone is weird online but eh fuck it. its all meant to be /nm just in case if i do seem mean.

"and i guess Fall has never... felt respected before. They were kinda required to give everything to their parents and abusers, and even with their friends they try to give others happiness." Thats true. I was always taught respect was a bad thing just because all who demanded respect ended up being bad and the "Respect" was abusive or just mean so. Respect always have and always will have negative connotaions for me. Despite what its supposed to mean it will always be bad to me so. I doht wanna feel respected as the word with negative meanings but the words defintion that i just looked up, "an act of giving particular attention" or "high or special regard". I wanna be and feel the good version of the word but the original word of respect will always be a bit tainted for me.

"i don't know what discord chat exporter exports the files as. probably txt. anyone can edit those..." HTML, Actually! Still editable but its interesting to me how it exports out in the filetype that these sites are made up of. it can also export in json! its a very neat program imo i love it. its simple but cool. You do have to check an option in order to have outside media (aka attachments) be downloaded and it is a bit hard to find imo but other than that its cool! I like lil programs like that.

"i guess in the end D was sadistic. enjoyed watching Fall squirm in an impossible dilemma. either do what he says and ruin yourself in the process, or don't do what he says and get ruined by him or your parents. in the end Fall chose to ruin themselves." Accurate! The same could be said about Peaceful and KS.

Peacefuls nickname, Peaceful, is an oxymoron but it also reminds me of a good moment btw. unrelated to the response but i just wanted to note that lol.

"and they've spent their time up until now, trying to get their "old self", Toms, back. to remember what it was like to be (relatively) neurotypical—to be able to be happy, and have people like you. to be not as messed-up as you are now. except all of Fall's memories of being (relatively) neurotypical are associated with abuse. they're forced to cope with their issues." Very interesting. I keep thinking about that first part because Peaceful said something similar, peaceful said toms reminded him of my old self. It is really interesting to hear someone repeat that. I think i agree with what preresent said.

I also agree with "their past self is so... removed from their current self." because that is very very true. All my past selves are removed from my current self. I tend to view it all in various past selves; sunstroke, whatever after sunstroke was, the deliquents who arent really deliquents, ene (also could be called the "Toms" era lol.), the me who went thru D, etc. They arent all? Alters from my DID, I remeber being them but they arent me. So yeah.

SHE doesnt really help the disconnect between me and my past self. They are so complicated.

Ok that replying to preresent section is done because im literally saying that i agree to things and supporting it? To the point that its a bit ridiculous in a /pos way. Its interesting to see someone have such a stable grip on who/what i am when i feel so invisbile all the time.

I just finished a call that wouldve been BAD if mom didnt save it lol. it went okay but their was a parental thing invovled and OH BOY im glad the obvious neglect and abuse hasnt shown thru. That would be bad. Speaking of bad i need to move a very important bit of my stash from the compromised location but its passed the time where i can so. i need to figure something out with that. its weird to reffer to food as a stash but like. its a neccessity to stash it esp with how things have been in the family. lets hope this location stays hidden. It will i think. I have other stashes of important things that havent been found, i just strayed and tried something new with the compromised stash. i thought i could trust it but no. we all make mistakes. Im still so thankful they found it amusing rather than a problem.

I dont really know what else to write about other than i need to speedrun some assingments really quick. I might talk about HER (all caps) more if i can? its better for me if i stay silent but. everyone who knows bout her was an abuser i'm pretty sure? I'd be nice to talk about it. but alas i cant. one of those things yaknow?

OH YEAH The song "It should've been me" by RIP (or riproducer depending on where you search for the song.) is a bit weird because "I think I need you to survive/So now it's your responsibility to make me stay alive" fits so many situations so i have to work around that when i listen to it. Because i was responsible for peaceful, D, KS, yaknow. Peaceful wasnt always that way. Before D he was fine, then i met D and something happened while i was away. Something I dont know. Peaceful was in the hospital for migranes when i came back. I blame myself. Because he turned abusive and lost everyone after i left temporarily for his own safety because D wouldve killed him. maybe. Then it all went to shit. I blame myself for it all. He was so pog. He supported me after i was outed and then became a horrible Bigot. because of something that i have no idea about.

Going with "toms" being my past self in a sense then peaceful being called peaceful is his theseus if that makes sense. I was different before. I was like toms. peaceful was different. He was like himself. he wasnt. he wasnt something else. I wonder if its fault people change but something happened and red flags were there and fuck. it was all so fucked. I miss peaceful pre-whatever happened. I miss him before he was that oxymoron of a nickname. Hes gone from my life. has been gone. But still. I miss him. I wrote about this kinda thru the mc in "50 weeks" in chapter nine but the song "Why didnt you stops me" fits the situation. Even though i wasnt the one who needed to be stopped. I kinda wanna like. write about that/analyze that sometime. Also the "look how i remeber" fits in multiple ways like at one point he looked like a different person and it stayed that way throughout the rest of the friendship. It was like someone went back and edited the photos to be someone different and never said a word. But it was peaceful all along. it was weird. That lyric also fits metaphorically.

Otherwise. c!tubbo/character!tubbo. In my head i look like him now. I am theseus but he was painted on me i feel. its weird, it'll pass but i wonder why i just as Theseus become fictional characters like it wasnt enough for them to appear in my head. Im starting to diverge and blend the look a bit in my head but still its. not a normal human thing.

its almost time for mom to get off work so i gotta be fast in finishing shit so uhm. As always their is permission for you to write about my writing in your own journal blog thing an an additonal prompt: Whats one weird happpening in your life? Do you have any secrets you are afraid people will hate you for even if you had no choice? How do you cope?

4/27/2022

Hello! Im starting this entry a bit late today. Its been a bit of the day. So I've been crying myself to sleep over the a secret. The secret involving the thing KS did to me. Im mostly torn and haunted now adays but lately ive been...weird? I feel angry at them sometimes, in a way thats not me then i feel happy and proud. Like one of the other people in my brain are influencing me or blurring with me and are prout that i feel angry at them. Its so fucking weird. Like apart of me thinks they were the one wrong and i deserve to recongize that. I think I am the one in the wrong and I feel so much guilt but its like a break from that? This playlist below is one i made inspired by those feelings/during those feelings. I thought i was someone else while making it. Mentally ill moments am i right?

Speaking of that feelin during those episodes im so eager to tell someone. Exactly what happened. But I know the consequences. I will be hurt. But if someone emails me and asks... that convo remains a secret... in its entirety. I might spill.

ANYWAYS

Apparently two days ago I got a gifted sub to Philza!! I didnt notice until the start of todays stream!! Todays stream is a Zelda one! I watch Phil the most, I love the routine and it genuinely helps me. Every Mon, Weds, and Fri. I love it. I am so happy i revealed my twitch username on the main page of this site oops. I wanted to have those names be seperate but its not like it matters? My original goal of not wanting abusers to know of my twitch and stuff has failed. So all i need is to just protect it from my parents and thats easy since they hate minecraft and its my thing.

Another ancedote from today is that I played a song i tried to kms to once and my cat (trixie) RAN over to me and started meowing and loving me up. Shes so cute she was so concerned. I was playing it because its a bop.

Now onto talking about Drago (Dragos neocities is preresent.) I'm gonna be quoting and replying to a few blog posts theyve written!

"i guess i should first of all state that it was one of the best things i've ever read. it's been a long time since i've read the characteristically intense passion of fanfictions, i can't bring myself to search for more these days. i'm not involved in the mcyt fandom but i guess i just plugged up the holes and guessed their personalities. because the fic does add a lot of new depth to their online personas." Context: Dragos read my asthma series/50 weeks. Thank you so much Dragos! I'm so glad its one of the best things youve ever read! I love to hear that people like my work.

speaking of that the next post by them after that one says "...but i am going to blame Fall and say it is because I keep thinking about the Asthma series and I'm all "grr this isn't as good as Fall's writing" and hopefully Fall will be like "wow im so flattered" lol. (in all seriousness though, it is one of the reasons.)" That is really interesting to me! I never really thought my writing was all that good but rather neutral so the fact that my writing is a standard? is very interesting to me.

Overall I really Really like everything Dragos wrote about my writing? I dont wanna be here all day just quoting what drago wrote but it seems pog. whats interesting is "chapter 9 seems to be about tommy's death..." which is kinda true. I didnt want Tommy to die in chapter nine but with my lack of updates it seems like he successfully commited suicide which is. An interesting way to end it. I had some plot planned with Technoblade for later in the story but as im having so much trouble writing it seems like chapter nine is where he successfully dies. Its an interesting ending thats for sure. I like everything Dragos wrote about chapter nine. One thing that Dragos wrote that ive been thinking about is: "i guess something that struck me in chapter 9 was the sudden mention of tommy's abuser. the thing with hidden memories. and how tommy started wondering exactly how much he didn't know, and tried to understand himself and his inability to act like "himself"." I really really like this bit of commentary/review. I wrote that bit of chapter nine with inspiration from the situation with Peaceful. The whole fic I think was born from Peaceful and my feelings during that abuse. So like with the whole fic, it was inspired/from me in a way.

Chapter nine seems poetic in a way. My relationship with Peaceful ended so the fic had one last "horrah" in a sense of a suicide attempt and a left up to interpretation. I want to continue writing this when my writers block or whatever ends but that whole situation seems poetic to me.

The reply to Drago will end soon but I wanna write one last thing. Drago gave me some advice. "Fall, if you're reading this I want to emphasise this. It's not your responsibility to "save" anybody (assuming that you could've and your abusers weren't just blackmailing/guilt-tripping you). It would be a utopia if everyone did, but the fact is that people have more important problems than dealing with others..." Thank you. This is very good advice and it really helped me decide on something in my now and it made my chest feel lighter. I tried to save KS at first of my own free will but eventually it became manipulatitive, guilt-trippy, yaknow. same with Peaceful. Thank you.

Onto a story from last night, I had a bit of a breakdown. I felt myself unraveling and all the crying and shit made me feel lighter. It was interesting to see apart of me that i never really knew of? To find out more about who Theseus B. Fall is at my core a tiny bit rather than just knowing im the main person in this body of mine ahd other things. I figured out my worst fear. My worst fear is reality. To not be able to be online and be unable do daydream and loosing my dissocation/DID (Dissocative Identity Disorder). If i can be online, that can be reality. Not the irl hell i live everyday like torture. If i can daydream i can ignore my situation. If i cant dissociate I cant live. If i cant fictionalize my life while also knowing its reality i cant live. That is my worst fear. It is interesting to realize that probably obvious thing about me. My irl world is shit so this is my reality, yet the online is an unreality of some sort.

I dont like it. That without the internet I have nothing but I am locked away from the world. Like rapunzel from tangled. I can be free on the internet and as long as my secrets of my reality arent shown to my parents i am fine. I can exist. I can live. I am so disconnected from even being Theseus but at the same time I am Thesesus. Ive always been the internet. I was introduced to Computers and Battlefield and South Park (that last one is unrelated though.) at two years old. I've always been on the internet and its always been my great escape sort of.

my survival skils that are instinctual, that built up with me, sorta built off of that i guess. I dont really know how to describe it, everything is being not real and real in a paradoxical but simple way that isnt thought about. I could compile a bunch of lyrics or something that could describe it but idk.

A friend of mine replied to my emails! Thats poggers! I wrote alot here. Idk what else to say. I read throgh episodes one epilogue of Hlvrv and that was really really good! Im on episode two proper now! I love the plot so far! I'll write more about it when I have the energy? I have an english honors assingment im procrastinating I gotta bite the bullet and do now. I think thats all I wanted to say, could be wrong though.

Journaling prompt: What did you think of this blog post? it is good to write about things you read after all lol.

4/27/2022 PART TWO

I realized that lately things have been happening as if trauma happened. Like yes trauma happened; My parents are happening, KS and Peaceful happened, D happened, more happened that this blog doesnt know about. Like. I shouldnt be like some of the things that have been happening?? maybe?? I know DID has memory problems which is what i have but like. I have a journal. so many. It doesnt make sense. Like. Sure KS tried to contact us last month but it doesnt feel like it and we are in a traumatizing situation but some things feel so familiar?? Like during KS?? I dont know whats with me lately. Honestly lately its feeling like everything is slipping away and I dont know why. Nothing happened to make it that way? right? Im not me rn i think. Ever since (redacted) but surely that didnt do it. surely not. I dont know and writing about it anywhere doesnt help FUCK.

4/28/2022

I have alotta drafts for this entry. I was very stressed because of my leadership project but despite it looking bleak I got it done! Which is cool.

Thank you misswannabe and lhfm for your kind words.

I had my knife taken away from me! Well i have antiques in my room but my first ever knife mom temporarily took an argument because i was stressed. Me and mom had so many arguments today, I literally did nothing but argue and work. I finished read hlvrv! Its a good ask blog, I 10/10 reccomend. Im starting to re-read it I love the character Doc? I wanna consume all the content with him.

Ive been debating telling a person the secret that involves KS. That person would hold so much power over me though. Yet it hurts and I really really wanna tell. I wanna make sense of it. To quote "Secret" by The Pierces; "Why when we do our darkest deeds do we tell?/They burn in our brains, become a living hell" but at the same i dont think im the one in the wrong, At least partiually. its weird because apart of me is convinced that i did a bad and its all my fault etc etc but at the same time i think that that perception is wrong. That something is off but at the same time... I dont know.

I can tell or stay silent, I can potentially get hurt or have it all be okay. I cant decide. I dont want anyone to have that power. But I want to share. To quote a few lyrics from the song "Empty pages" by halfy and winks; "Never give one your trust" and "Leave no trace of what you've done". I gave my trust before and it hurt me. Ive left no trace of what happened between me and KS other than KS themselves but I cant help that. KS has all the power over me techincally. But they can lie. So maybe it would be good for me to tell someone i trust, someone on my side at least. So that KS doesnt have power. But what if im wrong? What if im the bad guy? I dont know. I dont want KS to have that power. I dont want this to haunt me. I wanna tell someone. Fuck. I dont know something here is either ironic or sad considering i maybe relates to c!ranboo more than healthy I think. Or at least that fansong for him.

Anyways,

My headsets are cracked. We are Maybe gonna get eletrical tape. I have my doubts but I hope that my parents pull through. Im using earbuds for now.

I dont know why im so into doc from hlvrv? Like i really really like two other characters (still like em) but now my brain is "doc go brrr". Sometimes I think I am him? Maybe its an alter or another thing.

I found a few new songs. Cotard's Solution by Will Wood and The Tapeworms is good. Same with https://open.spotify.com/track/1gZCQza1xX6sCczLT4czB3?si=2090c551af594242

Speaking of music, I swear that Hayloft II (Dark Verb Mix) sounds different depending on the platform you listen like something is slightly different each time. Idk if thats on purpose or a thing people know but i swear its true!!

I dont know if I get put in a situation where i can tell about the KS secret if i could tell it. I've always told half-truths. Lied by omission. It never helped me get rid of it haunting me. I've gotten through everything in my life so far. If i tell then maybe itll be okay. I dont know. This thing has been haunting me I cant. I cant fucking hold it in anymore i gotta get someone elses input i gotta. Idk.

I havent done shit other than school lately. Maybe thats a good thing. Idk. I feel like the world stopped since (redacted, unrelated to the secret involving KS.) and its a time where im very busy with school. I dont know what to do. I want something to be done for me. But I dont wanna lose any power. I dont want KS to be the only one who knows other than me because theyll lie and itll be me verses them and. its all so fucking much.

I wanted to get a video done before Beltane/Anniversary of first youtube video on my channel but I dont know if thatll happen. Which sucks. At least I could do something special for the streaming anniversay in september. hmn. Maybe It'll be done in time. I already scrapped what i was gonna do and have this video be the specail one but idk bro. Two days.

I dont know what to say. Its almost 9 pm.

Journaling prompt: Would you tell or would you keep something thats eating you up a secret?

4/29/2022

Hello I literally did noting but procrastiate science or my dad procrastinated a sciene project that is three now four i think weeks late. I also failed at doing english all day until it happened!!

Thanks misswannabe for the advice.

I researched communication with alters to try and communicate anymore! I installed simply plural and oh boy its that interesting.

I've been flinching alot lately and having weird reactions to things. I never flinch so its weird that this is suddenly happened? like its sometime to things that dont make sense to me.

I tried to learn ASL today. I learned some words. "Father", "Mother", "Help", "No". Their is also other words i dont think ive mastered yet but i think those are easy easy and i got them down.

I dont really know today. Me and today havent really met LOL. I did work on a page for my site but I got notepad++ so it isnt published to the web lol.

Their was Wilbur lore today! That was so very very good.

I did some things but it mostly just slipped away from me at so many points? So yeah? DID is really acting up?

Dad got eletrical tape! My headphones and computer is taped.

I feel like I might vomit for no reason? Happening alot lately.

One interesting thing is that I like. dont really remeber the plot of hlvrai. Like after one point recently i started having difficulty recalling it?? So like? Thats rough? I think i recalled it all originally but like. I wanna make a fanpage for it that would be hard with memories missing of the thing I like. I watched it all and I knew the plot I'm pretty sure like??

So things are kinda wack.

I feel kinda aimless lately like something reset or shifted something in me. I do tarot so maybe a reading might help me figure out how to get back on track or something but. it feels like after D/my first ex (same person. Peaceful is the christan guy. I wrote bout em in one post and mightve gotten em mixed up idk.) just so. aimless. gone. Like i had a purpose but its gone. I dont know what caused it did i figure something out and that messed me up? was it (Redacted)? The weird ass depressive but i dont feel depressive episodes ive been having? was it looking through all the Peaceful shit again? What fucking happened to me recently I just want things to be okay bro. I just want things to make sense. I wanna have a direction. The walls feel like they fell down and I dont like that. Everythings going to shit. It feels like its all gone i had a fragile? maybe? stabiltiy of sometime now its gone what happened? What fucking happened? Like i had my goals and everything and its now all slipping away?

I had some fucking control before. whatever happened. now its all gone. I keep having a feeling like I knew too much and my brain went oops and fucked me up but idk? maybe im just trying a reason as to why? I want it to be all simple again. The school shits also been fucked.

I honestly might email someone and ask if i can talk about issues in more detail or maybe the ks secret and see what they think.

Maybe this is all because for the past few years I've always been a pawn pointed or moving in some direction but now. No one but my parents are controlling me and they just neglect me until its time to hurt me. I have so much free time. but i also dont. its all so complicated. its all too much but nothing is happening?? I just wanna go back but i know i struggled before. I think it just want things to be good. Im so. upset i guess.

just. whats happening.

Im gonna end todays entry. Idk.

Journal prompt: Are you aimless? Has everything disappeared lately for you?

4/29/2022 PART TWO.

Im writing again. I got space from a deck of self care cards for tommrows message for myself and. maybe i just need to give everything space? apart of me kinda wants to get it all and dump it out somewhere to someone, vent with permission but. who do i chose? one of my best friends? someone from here on neocities that reads my blog like misswannabe or drago/preresent? I dont know. maybe i should just try really REALLY hard to ignore everything and run away. ignorance is best i guess? idk?? Maybe this is all so stupid.

4/29/2022 PART THREE.

writing AGAIN because shits happened. I did a tarot reading then i got a resource from a friend, one of my best friends actually, because i was scared of telling it but wanted to talk about it. The resource was thiswebsitewillselfdestruct. I broke the secret down to its bear bone essentials and while trying to do so i realized what really happened in the secret that involves ks. I did that by removing specifics and getting to the core of what happened and i realized that if that happened to a friend, than that friend would be a victim. I realized while writing it that I was a victim of another form of abuse that that was literally just abuse and I cried theirs a weight off my chest its all pog.

I go to eat. mom stops me and she becomes a dick, an argument happens the cat gets upset i get angry and a bit aggressive- unlike me and doesnt really feel like me - and mom wanted me to have an eating disorder again. she tried to force me to do a thing that triggers it. Dad defended me a bit, made fun of me and was on her side a bit it flipped back and forth. He didnt know. But at the start of 2020 they both knew i was on a "diet" (influenced by D, who encouraged my ed.) and knew of all my health problems. They excused it and encouarged it however.

Im gonna eat now because they told me to eat but mom threatened to stop buying food for me. My stash is empty because of them. I need to gather shit and put it in a new spot. jfc. Might get hurt mores once they notice some stuff is missing but. its worth it. dad could buy me stuff but still. My trust in them is weird to nonexistent.

all the interesting things happen when i finish an entry, ofc.

if you want another prompt than write about things that you thought about while reading this or what you find on what website i linked or whatever.

4/30/2022

Todays been a more relaxing low energy day today. Last night took alot outta me. It appears that I am now normal. Like the ks secret? Yeah no thats thrown to the side. Doesnt really affect me anymore. Its no more. Idk i am just fine now. Maybe i just repressed it or just passed it all to another alter but like. I'm detached from it now. its all fine :)!

This morning mom practically handed me my new stash. I still need to get more things for it but she gave me a bunch of food and told me to hide it. This might come back to bite me but hey I wont question her. Its weird how inconsistent she is.

I edited a video a bit, I doodled a bit, I browsed the internet. Nothing really happened. Its MCC day and Im watching Ranboos POV. I would normally watch Phil because hes the main guy I watch but i figured some variety might be good. Spice it up a bit. Its been really fun!

Also dad tried to teach the cat basic math last night! Apparently trixie (the cat) kept adding one to 2 + 2. Not gonna tell that whole story now but that was something. Ah yes. Cat speaks english and knows how to count to 4. sure. Knows how to add. yep. and he didn't work that night, or at least didnt work alot because he needed to teach the cat arthimetic! /lh

We're entering rainy season i think. its been thundering alot lately.

Nothing to write about for now. I still havent done that Chemistry lab thats been due for like. weeks now. Mom says we'll do it Tommrow.

I was really really happy last night and its been bleh. Sure im into my special interests and stuff but like!! I need more!! yaknow?

My video wont be done. Nothing will be released for The anniversary of my youtube. I dont know what im gonna do tbh. I've just been kinda falling lately and now im climbing back up so to speak. I thought before I could deal with the ks secret but then it built up more and more and more and I think whatever happened recently was a long time coming. I dont know what I'm really gonna do now other than just. Work on my channel. Work on this. Avoid the future. Try to get movie nights to finally happen.

I dont really know what to say to Dragos/preresent's recently blog entry mentioning me but. acknowleging it exists ig. I think Dragos is right in that I'm expecting something to happen. Ever since December of 2019 its been this horrid pattern. December of 2019 I attempted suicide. Thats the only attempt out of like. my double digets i lost count of attempts that really traumatized me. Or maybe the other attempts traumatized me and i just havent realized it. I feel bad about my attempts because of somethings Peaceful said to me but he was an abusive fuck who yaknow. wanted and did hurt me. just thinking bout it makes me nauseous ugh.

I shouldnt really think about KS and Peaceful but like. I had mixed-negative feelings on D and Peaceful. D i wanted to escape from and lost the love for literally so early on but my path was set by then. Peaceful i had so many mixed feelings but. KS i had a genuine love for a version of KS that isnt real. That never existed. I had rose-colored glasses, a stockholm syndrome. Idk how I feel now but. It made the situation so worse because I knew something was wrong with the other two but KS. I had no idea.

Im gonna stop thinking bout that. Im trying not to think about the fact that im aimless because. I'll just create and edit videos. and stream. and just do that until something changed. Thats what I decided at the start of 2021, to just pour all my time in that hobby because. why not. its not like I can do anything else. not like i can meaningly try to escape my situation or anything? my parents successful physical isolated me completely. Nothing will ever change that. but i try to hope ig. I just gotta hope for someone to come to me. Like rapunzel from tangled, whos escape from Mother Gothel climbed in her tower im pretty sure. I gotta wait for my Flynn Rider. For just someone to hand me escape from my abusive parents on a silver platter. because I have nothing. Im waiting for a miracle.

I dont remeber learning sign. but its cool that we apparently did that. I think i was someone else then. or half someone else idk bro.

It sucks that like. I have no hope, not really. I have no hope for escape. No way to make money besides my cashapp im so deadly afraid of (like? do i have to pay taxes for people sending me money?? no ones taught me this help??). I can gather food from what my parents get. I have a pratically filled backpack and if i were to escape i'd need like 40 backpacks to have all my things even though im given nothing nowadays, I'd like to keep the stuff from my childhood my parents hid. I dont even know whats really essential. I dont know where i would go. I dont know if i'd be able to land a job. I dont know if i can ever escape im just waiting for a miracle for happen. God Im making myself almost vomit lol. I guess thats why im so easy for abusers to catch. Im already a victim thats in the perfect condtion for anything to be done to and remain silent.

Idk bro i just wanna create things and i just wanna be saved. I hate how alone i am or at least feel. All i have is digital people miles away. Im so alone. My parents fucking won kinda. I dont know how i'd escape but yet ill escape ig one day.

Something I always paralled my situation is "Pandoras Vault" From the Dream smp. The prison no one can escape from. That ironically many people have escaped from so like. That parallel/comparison doesnt work anymore. I never really related to rapunzel tbh. Even though like. isolated from the world for years with little to no outside contact and no real clue about the world fits. although i know alot in other ways, the real world? idk what thats like. I come from a warped pov by default.

i was feeling kinda okay but now I might vomit so like. idk. im not gonna write anymore. Dinner is soon anyways. I might write more entries later.

Journaling prompt for you: What fictional thing do you relate to and/or whatever you thought of my blog entry.

5/1/2022 (might write nother entry later)

happy beltane!! today was interesting.

i started off today really really happy once i realized it was beltane! I had breakfast, played the animal crossing may day maze, did a tarot reading that was very pog, etc. I was very happy doing my activites and it was very pog. I did a little thing in a forum post for one year of my youtube it was very pog. Then i had to do the science experiment. I started out happy but then an argument broke out, mom yelled at me i was also triggered by a smell and something that she said and i had a breakdown and we stopped the expieriment for a bit and i cried and spaced out and shit. we continued and it was pog for a bit but i was still iffy. I then had another mini episode n had a little thing.

I havent really gotten back to that happiness yet again today, not that euphoric level. I found out something I didnt wanna know about and i tried to stream but obs was being a bitch and i was just. not in that mood.

Nothing i wanna talk about tbh. Im paranoid bout my weight and other shit might be relapsing into my eating disorder if im not careful.

so i was okay but now im numb-ish and trying to fight off urges lol. but its been a good beltane despite the bad shit! I should really talk to someone bout what i like. learned of today but like. idk bro.

Journaling prompt: talk about your holidays!

5/2/2022

I've surprisingly been eating from my stash more, even though mom isnt starving me im starting to need more from my stash I think? Idk? I have tons of junk in my stash funnily enough and not enough of shit that will actually give me protein so I need to gather more of those things instead of just rice krispy treats. But those are the easiest and painless thing to grab so. yeah. not that i need anymore of those.

Nothing much to write about. a fic in a series I like updated last night, I read that. very very good. I'll add it to rec list soon maybe. I've been backing up my files. Im now struggling with a new/old thing thats spiking up again to that isnt good. i cut to try and counted it yesturday, I dont really actively self harm but i still do it if i cant resist or if i need it to counteract something i cant handle. So I dont consider myself clean really, its hard to do that in an abusive enviornment where thats one of the needed coping mechanisms but im trying to like. not be dumb and be as better as i can be in my situation, i've been sh'ing for years and years so like. Im gonna need lotta help i cant access in my situation to get rid of that. Dont be like me and cut, its not worth it and its addicting. its never "just one cut" or "just one whatever method of sh you use.". its never worth the risk.

I took lotta online quizzes today as you can see on my homepage lol. I also watched phils stream while trying to work. I lost quite a bit of time today with dissocation and shit it hasnt been all that pog but i dont really care bout that fact. I, Theseus, Learned about something that was very traumatic to me and i didnt like. realize that it was abuse in that way. Im not really affected but nother alter might be triggered af? We have bad communication but their are indicators.

Anyways!

misswannabe your comment made me laugh lol /pos.

didnt do much school today. that sucks. again not much to write bout other than i woke up at like 11-12 and its 6 pm and nothing has happened in my day so far other than like. attempting to do school and ending up somewhere completely differend almost constantly like an hour later.

I might write another entry but journaling prompt: Do you like online quizzes?

(entry started at like 12 am so same day as 5/2/2022 for me mentally but time wise its 5/3/2022)

One thing im curious about myself is my care for the state of the world. I live in a perfectly isolated little box designed by my parents to be the perfect place to abuse a child with no one who can do shit knowing. Theorietically without the internet no one would know i exist other than some teachers and my parents and maybe like. two people dad knows.

I was so optimistic that the world would get its shit together, i had hopes but things on the outside of this box seems scary, hopeless, terrifying place of pain and awfulness and torture that it almost seems better to stay here. Thats probably my parents manipulating me once i put it to text but its how i see the world and. it gets more and more hopeless. Like i used to care and have faith in the world. I called myself an anarchist while i was with my first ex and i got really into solarpunk n shit before and after that time. anarchism is misunderstood i think. Now I dont really call myself anything/dont care. Im a bit burnt out on it yaknow? esp with my life like. i gotta focus on the world that is my blood family and my home in the real world nevermind this mythical outside place that never really existed to me. I gotta focus on this stuff but. I always hoped we would all figure it out, that the world would get better. I thought that by 2024, maybe, a year after i graduate, the world would get better. coincidentally enough, i thought myself to have escaped my parents by then. it seemed somehow reasonable in my world of make believe/day dream land.

lately ive just been. so scared. I've been learning more and more depressing shit about my reality as if it wasnt bad enough and the outside world is becoming less and less optimistic as i age and more scary and shit. My parents are probably manipulating me to think that because im close to 18. i can escape. maybe i need someone to knock "sense" into me to tell me the world isnt what ive been taught it is. my dad and mom are very out of touch with reality (and bear in mind thats ME saying that, daydreams constanlty, hallucinates, knows only what the internet has taught me on the outside and very limited view of the outside) so that probably affects it. if their out of touchness is genuine or fake I cannot tell as with most things they say and do and it doesnt matter if its real or fake anymore as with most things they say and do for me and hmn. is that fucked up or am i just questioning my life too much?

speaking of the internet even though their are no traces of my existence on big social media because of my parents and their rules so i dont really know shit from their but ive been on other places and this shit thrives off of activity, at least algorthyms of the internet and peoples gut reactions to issues is to spread awareness, creating a forum of psuedo-activism that has no cause other than "everything bad is happening help everything at once" which is a recipe for burnout and normalizing all the bad shit in our brains to the point where we do not care, theirs a word for that but idk it.

i have to go bed moms awake. will write more bout this tommrow.

5/3/2022 continuation from last night.

okay i'm awake and I am going to continue my thoughts from last night, a proper entry about my day will be later.

So like. I was speaking about how the "main" internet is unreliable for learning about the outside world because everyone is focused on talking about tragedy and the bads of the real world constantly. I dont know bout other spaces on the web like here at neocities but. we can all agree the internet doesnt accurately reflect real life. I dont feel scared of the outside world right now only numb to it tbh. The scaredness comes in waves? just occasonally comes and then leaves.

The point with the whole blog last night was that I dont really know reality and everything i know of it is from unreliable sources but also I wanna know bout it like what is the outside world actually when it comes to where i live and the people and everything. I wanna know what the outside really is. but also im scared of it and maybe its better here but i know thats just manipulation.

Im gonna write more this afternoon, its school time and i think im done these thoughts anyways. maybe ive been long done with em since i woke up but i promise myself i'd complete this blog entry when i woke up so. yeah.

Journaling prompt: Thoughts on the outside world?

5/11/2022

Im writing this while emotional but im almost always emotional lately so FUCK IT I GUESS?? Some mental shit was making it difficult to blog but fuck it. This is probably more rant than anything.

Im done school for the year and I wrote a new chapter of this fic. that ive gotten almost no feedback from and that kinda sucks like. At least give me a kudos or something. Its a really personal chapter as I literally wrote my feelings of my life currently onto this. I also edited my video alot but with my issues hearing I couldnt edit alot as I got to a hard part in captioning the video.

Im so fucking hungry. Their is NOTHING in this damn place and my parents took all my stash and Im so hungry. I've eaten like. a few burritos and cookies dad made from shit he found in the pantry and mom told me to be thankful for that, that im lucky, that other kids would kill to be in my situation and. I wish i could scream at her to shut the fuck up. All pain is valid regardless if anothers worse and Im fucking hungry and I had an ed that fucked me up and hunger makes me emotional in general and like. Yes I have little to eat. I want to be thankful for the little but I can't because this situation is so shit and I want to be allowed to feel my emotions dammit.

My parents have been abusive, calling me names, making fun of my paranoia, yelling, all of that complete and utter same as always bullshit.

Sometime after that above entry I had a weird episode that day (5/3) and I was not doing well. I thought I was gonna die. I still dont know what that was longside the different flavors of mental bullshit thats been happening. Going by dates:

5/4. i did school shit happened. I realized what potentially cause a wave of this weird depression like breakdown in me was me spiraling about my uncontrollable movements that im so ashamed of and hate and want to go away and that fucked with my brain for awhile. Becasue they made me different and I think they make me unloveable and unable to be around because my parents yell and get angry and shit to me because of them but i cant help it but they wont believe me and i dont know what it is it cant be tics or anything else its something i swear only I experinece im so alone and i hate this. Im literally crying right now. This is just raw uncensored emotion oops sorry lol. idk tho. its my site lol. I feel so isolated still and I dont wanna talk to anyone about this because its so embarassing and all that shit. One of us told our ex about it when we knew each other. I think they said it was tics. but fuck them fuck that. It makes me feel like a freak among everyone like an inhuman thing. Like something that deserves to be isolated. 5/5. (We/I are using we singular to mean the owner of this site btw if we do that sometimes thats what that is.) We learnt that we read 769 words per minute, above average. We did school and another alter that wasnt the host made a friend. Dont want to talk to that much other than it was apparently pog. We felt confident that day/night. We felt empowered someway somehow. Maybe that was just the alter making a friend or because of something else. idk. 5/6. I woke up and dad was misogynist as hell. Im a female irl even though im not a female, its just my family force it and its been like that throughout my life even when i first stopped being a girl to me. So ive faced misogyny because of the fact that I live as a girl and yknow. people are people. It made me upset and mom tried to justify it. A bad headache I was having started that day and I signed up for Dracula Daily that day. Other shit happened ig. 5/7. at 3 am on 5/7 I had a breakdown about something that would make me sound delusional buts been fucking me up but its not like I can talk about that whole delima thats been unfolding so fun (the fun comment is /s.) When I went to sleep ant actually started what I would consider to be 5/7 I did a stream that was very pog and that I needed to do. It was 10/10. It was one of those streams that made me feel like everything was in harmony and less chaotic and made me feel. bright color. really abstract shit lol. That was the real highlight of my day. I love those type of streams. It was hardcore stream, those are always pog for me I notice. I called streaming my "safe place" in my private journal which is what I am referencing to write this summary. On a previous day I had a mini breakdown about tht fact I never felt safe and what would be my theoretical safe place. Ofc its a safe space thats only safe when my parents leave me alone/when its allowed to be. Im never really safe. Its not fine but its my life. I practiced art, saw a bunch of cute bunnies, wrote alot read alot had a convo with a friend that was nice all of that. A good day huh. 5/8. The morning/the ams before I went to bed dad was abusive then I wrote chapter 6 of "I think this time im dying" because I hit a limit or something happened that just made me snap and able to write. After I went to sleep and woke up I played animal crossing. Wasnt feeling pog but I was able to feel better. I am still perlexed on how discord is still installed on my device btw like. I installed it once for some reason then uninstalled it (i wrote him at first lol) once I gained my common sense that I use the browser for a reason and that I would be so hurt if they caught me with it. But its still installed. Dad was joking with me and shoved me which made me a bit neg since I didnt want to be touched. I went out with my dad to take out the trash then we went out for a walk in the gated area.

So that walk. It was pog. I met two dogs. I saw a cool car and a family of people. I also had a strange ass thing. I didnt recongize the place at one point and was genuinely concerned that somehow dad took me to another place without me knowing and without him saying shit to mom. Mom didnt even want us walking anyways. It was nightime. We were walking in parking areas i was unfamiliar with and it seemed like a whole new building and shit but no i was still the apartments. I didnt know where I was and i thought we were near where we used to live or in a similar place with boats and docks at one point somehow. I noticed i was sweaty and maybe swaying at one point. It was the strangest experience ever it was so limial. It was like I was somewhere new. Idk how I feel about it. We went back into our place and we felt the stuff under our feet more. Then I mighte had a bad dissociation episode since I was confused as to who i was and shit happened for a bit. Ive been inside for so long other than that one walmart trip and walking all the way to an abandoned resturant another time. just inside this apartment and rarely in the "complex" area or whatever it could be called. I dont count inside the gates as outside even tho im rarely out their anyways. It made me think alot and doubt myself after I realized that I had that little thing. Like. I always struggle a bit after/while im outside almost passed out multiple times. I havent been really outside in years i lost count until one point and even then its so rare its like it doesnt count esp with how my reality is I always loose touch of it somehow. Everydays the same it all blends together. Im not used to anything else yet I want something else. I want to escape.

5/9. Mom started hearing things that werent their more than normal for a bit. More shit happened related to that thing i cant talk about or i will sound delusional and I really dont want that shit to be public. I finished school for the year!! Other things that happened made me hopeful bout my situation that i dont wanna talk bout publically but I still wanna celebrate and note that things are looking up! Other shit happened. I tried to look for a bunch of games from my childhood. I found two. Dad found a disc and wanted to put it in my computer and that caused a thing related to my trauma with me being outed (i was outed sometime in 2019 i think? before my first ex.). 5/10. in the am's I was working on escaping abuse things and having identity confusion. After I went to bed and woke up. I have low energy and I dont need to put my entire life here but basically I keep having these emotional episodes off and on that are too much to handle alongside other shit and like.

Okay now im done summarizing. I hate these emotional shits that have started since yesturday it feels unbareable like i cant live with this shit I dont wanna die but I want this gone. I relapsed somewhere along those days and now my self injurys worse when it was fine and really spaced apart. Its now worse. I cannot deal with these emotions im trying not to injure often and even injuring doesnt help and nothings working its so unstable and overwhelming and I cant cope with this bit bad upset? disturbed? its a weird emotion in my throat like I cant cope with it anymore and thinking i figured it out but its back and it always comes back everytime I think its done and I just want this shit done. maybe its related to KS? I dont know anymore I want this hell to stop. Its probably trauma related or just related to the fact that my life is hell. My dad is worse with his whole personality and shit we barely have food its all getting worse we barely have ANYTHING we need so much shit its so wrong and I keep realizing how horrifying and horryifiying it is and i might be really stressed and I hope I dont split a new alter. again. That chapter I wrote for "I Think This Time Im Dying" really fits exepct im in an abusive situation while Technos being threatened with being pulled back into one by two characters that arent Tommy or Wilbur or Phil or anyone but two off screen ocs and Im finally setting up his downward spiral I've been wanting his character to have for a long time now. I guess everything in my life really helped with that and really helped like. Give me a reason and inspiration and shit whatever to write. Im not really feeling well as I write this. Im having another /neg throat feeling moment and I really want this to be over with whats WRONG with me recently Is this how it always is? This last while has felt like a long long time with all the bullshit going on with my system. I did find a way to calm myself yesturday actually and maybe today? It always comes back tho. The feeling. I tried to get better at talking with people today and actually did a thing in a calander to remind me to talk to friends and other things. this site sort of inspired me/reminded me to try and improve my whole thing with relationships and not knowing anything bout my friendships like how close I am with people and a bunch of shit. its "Defining the Relationship" article I want to read again and really try to like. Define all my relationships with people because lord knows I need to know what the friendship i have with literally all my friends are and having It defined and all that shit will really help. I am horrible at all that and knowing all that.

I am the host of my system and I suck at communcating with people and i dont know literally everything I think people are supposed to know about friend ships because of my abnormal(if you wanna put it that way.) childhood. Its like theirs this bunch of knowledge and things that I know people should know that I dont know what is and no one tells me and its always outta reach. Its a thing that should be communicated. I know. I suck at intitating that shit tho and it would be kinda weird I think. idk. idk what I would even say because I dont wanna trauma dump.

I feel as if im kinda broken in the relationships realm and other people things. Kinda related to that I think im trying to get my life together while also trying to ignore the metaphorical dumpster fire. Like try to learn people things, the shit that I think will help me escape abuse, making more content while ignoring well. the obvious mess Im in right now. I've also had some doubts because. I could get money via streaming but also. Do I want that? Mom will get me a paypal and bank next month, maybe. Do I want real life to start? Because mom will try to get me a job because she doesnt know bout my streaming. And in general it feels. Final. Like my life has been fiction to me and I always am in fiction or disconnected from reality somehow and it feels like im gonna step into a world I know nothing about because of my abuse and my function of literally just being unreality and escaping into fiction and daydreams and everything 24/7. It feels like a new phase will start in my life and idk if i can handle that. Money to escape abuse but also. I know nothing about that world. I was never taught anything by my parents about that world Im unprepared and Im so scared honestly I just want a hand to hold I think. Someone to rely on to help me walk through this like. Yes. I want money. It will help me escape my abuse and I never thought i could get it this is everything I wanted to fucking close and yet Im so scared because. Im just a kid who doesnt know shit about what its doing. A kid who uses memories/memories pronouns that is just lost in fiction and lost in the internet and trapped inside and trying so hard to escape but when presented with something that could help i feel scared? why? i mean I know why I want a mom or dad that isnt like my blood mom and dad that cares that will help me and reassure me and make me feel safe like their is a safety net. I dont even know how I will explain my channel to them once They Know I have the money, once i actually do the thing. (its legal and tos friendly im just secretive for obvious reasons I have paranoia?? hello? Psychosis or Psychosis like shit?) I might get Hurt. Or they might be happy im doing the thing they wanted me to do so bad a few years ago because it seemed so easy to get money that way to them. I could be expecting the worse Like i always do. My dad tried to murder me for no reason and had to make ups shit to justify it once. thats just one example of why I am so scared of them and assume the worse. My survival and safety in general is such an unstable thing. I am not safe, not truly. I have to walk on eggshells and take shots in the dark because I have no idea.

I think its reasonable now writing all that why I want an older found family figure in my life that i usually imagine as male. I want safety. My dad manipulated me to make himself seem perfect and to make me bond with him and view him in a nicer light when hes abusive like my mom. Ive always been closer with that side. We were less family but more friends. My only friend I wanna say but I had friends like the person I met in first grade thats my best friend and I still know today. I was still very isolated like I am now but. Back then I could talk to that friend on the phone for hours. Back then i had shitty neighbours. Now I isolated still but no neighbours and Im breaking the rules to have friends no matter how they bend and lie sometimes I know the real rules. And I used the only thing I could lie about to get someone in my life was KS. and KS was also abusive. I almost died because of them so many times.

Im gonna go get tea now I need a break from writing. this site is pog btw and a sort of reflection thing that gives you prompts. very pog.

You can get a prompt from that site for your journal prompt today or write about what I wrote in my entry.

5/20/2022

I found a cool neat song. Cop Car by Mitski. Its been awhile since my last entry. I think Im done a video i've been working on for months now. I might be a bit of a perfectionist related to this video so Im gonna let it sit overnight, rewatch it, make a thumbnail, upload, do it all over again. But I wanna be faster about it, produce content more often and more swiftly. I've been into rdr2 again lately, playing it quite a bit. Abuse has been happening to me, like always.

Alot of stuffs been happening but i cant find the urge to summarize it. Shit might be going to shit soon. I've always wanted to make an album for wos. Wos is a project of mine thats a roleplaying lore thing i wanna do with my friends on minecraft, I have a whole storyline and backstory for my character I love and want to do something with. I am trying so hard to get the server to happen but no one really is doing it. It depresses me. I got a music thing for free that I can make music with. I might make that album. I also wanna make animatics for the shit and the backstory. I am so into the backstory and these characters and their lives. I love them. I just cant get anyone else to try it feels like. I really want people to put more of an effort or at least communicate just something so this character can live. I dont know how else to tell the story.

Me and my dad had a long talk today. He wants to do shit with me. He started it off by telling me that I was smart. He also talked about how he invested by giving me a computer at two years old to get me as profecient with computers as I am today. He wants to do all of this bullshit for money and shit and wants to use me for labor. He made it seem like he made use of my accidental birth by raising me to make him money eventually. Wants me and him to have a company and become rich. He wants us to do games, youtube channels, etc. and work on it all 2 hours a day. He never starts things. he never does things so i doubt this will pull through unless if he forces me to do shit alone.

I almost died a few days ago. I almost die alot. I was really affected by it i guess for once because i took some threats seriously. My parents are mostly all bark no bite nowadays. but they still bite. Yesturday was a shitshow I feel embarressed by. My parents made me feel like I have no future. That I can never be a proper human being and do shit that they never taught me to do and thats its too late to learn because its "common sense". Made me feel like I have no hope. I dont know if i have any hope.

I should talk to friends about things and i do sometimes but not about yesturday. I have a weird complex with talking about things. I honestly dont know if I'll go through with my plans on June 30th. I made a promise after all to someone and I'd be proving peaceful right so. I dont wanna do it anyways. I wanna live. I'll get through this.

I need change. Somethings gotta give soon. I dont care how. I just need to be rescued. I want my parents shit to come to light and for them to be taken away and to be adopted by a nice person instantly. The chances of that are so not likely but it seemed so likely for things to go to shit where i'd lose them a few days ago.

Their is also Peaceful. Something happened with me and Peaceful during our friendship. That i need to keep secret. The only question is if peaceful will keep it a secret. Because peaceful could misconstrue it. Make it seem like he was the victim and all that. I feel like everyone will hate me anyways. I feel as if though its only a matter of time. Peaceful could blackmail me. Could do anything to me. People would believe peacefull no matter what. No one would believe me. So I might have to die anyways to avoid pain. Peaceful knows my address. Could lie to people, get them angry at me and then dox me. But what if peaceful doesnt care anymore. Already fucked me up enough and moved onto the next victim.

Sometimes i think KS is still in my life. Im starting to behave and feel like it. I got a razor again. I cut that way now.

I feel like im sinking with bullshit in my life. and im trying to improve and befriend people and do things and shit but its so hard. and im trying to do shit like movie night and playing games and communicate but its not working. and i just wanna know where i stand with people. What people consider me. I wanna feel close to people. idk how to do that. I feel like im drowning and my life support is half working while im trying to fix it. I just want to beg to people or throw a big message out that the world can see. To have other people to at least try from my pov. Message me first. Clearly communicate who I am to you because god i have issues with that and do things with me and talk to me. I dont feel close to anyone and i hate it.

my discord status is literally "you can interact plz message me". I feel so alone and I want it to stop. I want so much to stop but like. Something broke recently ig. I use to be fine disconnected from reality alot but now that has even abandoned me. and no amount of daydreamed discord chats with friends will fill the need anymore.

Maybe everything is my fault. I cant even be convinced I'll live to see 18. Im almost 17. Will be on June 10th. Even if everything is my fault i just want something to change. I've been through shit for years and I am still hoping that something will change.

Ive just been feeling really. idk. lately. I know i cant be convinced that I do indeed have a future and once the future hits it will suck but. I want people here. please. Im noob at friendships and I need to be told how close i am with people and i need a bunch of clear communication on where i stand constantly and that is so stupid. I shoukd communicate this to people. but whatever. Im scared i think. and their is no point in doing anything maybe. or maybe im just in a sucky mood lately.

in unrelated news, the song i mentioned earlier, Cop Car? Its relateable. I've also been listening to hansel by soddikken or however you spell that name.

Theirs alot to write about but no point in writing any of it. I dont know what i need other than change. and maybe reassurance with things. Like that i will have a future. That i am not a lost cause because I dont know some basic life shit and its apparently too late for me to learn it accoording to my mom. Just like how it is to late for me to see why life is good and be truly happy to live according to mom. She said her and dad gave me a bad example. I dont even know what life is like. I want to learn what its like but i dont want to live the life i've seen. Yet i cant have access to this place if im not alive. this place being my friends, creating, etc.

I never had a tight grip on reality or a proper understanding of things. my dad tainted my reality with his delusions and now? I have some myself and a potentially broken understanding of this world. Alot of what I know comes through them. My basis for eveything might be damaged and irrepairable. I have my own "delusions". Their is a gap though in a thing that happened when i was a child that most people would call a delusion. I've always accepted what i know to be fact. How did x happen? I know it happened. but what caused it. maybe its not worth figuring it out. I cant just talk about this to people.

I might be trapped with my dad forever. even after/if i escape. eventually we'll be back together again. thats based on things he said and i am powerless i fight against it. I dont even know if death will work as an escape. i dont know how that sounds or if im talking too much or whatever. I need change.

somethings gotta give. please fucking give already. "He thought for sure something would change soon, that something would be different. But he still has to wait. He thought that his life would be better, he thought something would change. There’s been some arguments but nothing that would change everything, just things that are making him more and more and more. He doesn’t know..." is a quote from a fic i wrote titled "But I believe that you are pushing your luck". I havent reread it and i dont remember it but i think tommys section of this fic is a mood or something.

I need good change.

Their is this one fic i wrote that i can never finish, at least for now called "A Series Of Reminders" its a sam and max fic. Its so suited for the KS era of my life. I cannot complete it without ks to fuel it. I love that universe i created but. It died when me and ks stopped. and their is little i can do to change that. Its good though. I feel a bit sick now. I feel alot sick actually.

I loved ks. I loved ks because i had to. because toms loved them. I knew ks before I knew them. We were in a discord server i was lurking in. They started a fight or some sorta discourse once i think. I thought they were cool and wanted to be their friend. Months later i kinda got my wish in tom meeting them and we didnt know it was them. Toms loved them. I had to love them. Others in the system didnt like them. Some hated them. Yet me and toms loved them. I had to. I dont know if I love them anymore. Thinking about them and realizing that hey. they did bad. and so much shit and that i loved them so sincerely and was so blinded. idk. I might vomit.

I dont really feel shit. I rarely feel. I was born with no emotions or something caused it and i've had to unlock it. i dont love my parents. idk how i feel about them.

Ks isnt dead. I know that.

Im not really well after this entry but when am i ever okay?

I think i need to crawl in a corner. I feel like im gonna have some sorta episode soon.

5/20/2022

So fuck 2fa. I had to clear my cache on firefox because my computer was running slow and because i dont have the ability to text anymore, not until my parents pay for something, i am logged out of twitch for good until then. That sucks ass.

So that night after i ended that blog i did have an episode of sorts. and last night i had another sort of episode. Im now ghosting all my friends today. Not that its hard. no one messages me first. Ill get back in contact with them soon i talked to one during that episode and i feel ashamed. One thing i got right during that different flavor of episode is that if things cycle on like this than my hand will be forced. I have no right to live. Not really. It hurts that peaceful mightve been right all along. I wish my dad successfullly murdered me. Things wouldve been easier. Im a pussy ig, i cant fucking die no matter how hard i try. Dads the only one who can give me that relase of death but hes too focused on my tits or other..parts so to speak- to try and murder me again. I still feel a bit differnet today tbh.

Basically, life continues to suck and instead of improving death is more and more appealing. esp with how some people keep putting it that i know. If i went through with death it would be x persons fault because x person has convinced me that I am hopeless. That person and Peaceful. I dont wanna prove Peaceful right. but im letting Peaceful write out my life ig.

I keep having this idea that if i attempt and fail life will magically improve. Thats also making trying appealing. Because something tells me that if i try and fail everything will suddenly become better and it will all be okay. I want to live but. that is so appealing even though its horseshit. apart of my mind is convicened it isnt.

I would apologize to my friend for having an episode last night and messaging them but like. They would just say its fine. It doesnt really matter when ill have episodes again and I dont know how to stop them. They deserve an apology but i know they wont accept it. i wont waste their time like that. their one of my best friends after all.

Im always used to people giving me pushes in directions. Even if i was abused again by someone digitally it wouldnt change anything. i mean yeah it would more trauma n shit but like. I wouldnt improve. i wouldnt get worse. I'll still be me. Whenever i see the future i wanna have i am not in it. I am always warped to a me that doesnt exist. thats fixed.

I would love to fix myself. Force myself to be normal. that wont ever happen. Sometimes i dream of people locking me away in closets or something like that whenever i start to become not okay. because i want that to happen. It might change my brain to show that it isnt okay to feel and to not be in control and all of those other episodes and things. but no one would do that. I wont do that. my parents would hurt me for it.

I want someone to make life easy for me. Just put me down already. I want to be better, get better, be happy, escape. but thats impossible from all I've seen so far. I was doing so better mentally but here i am. Maybe x person is bad for me. But im keeping them around anyways. I dont want to disturb shit and be rude, besides they might just be not serious or playing around and i cant tell. I cant ask them if they are but. Whatever. I guess x person is my new peaceful/ks/whatever i called my first ex here for 2022. Horray (that horray was sarcastic.)

So i guess i am gonna spiral and wait for this shit to end because im a coward who doubts myself and doubts what i know is true and that this person whom im calling x person, is bad for me. i am coward for not leaving while i can, not leaving before this situation gets worse. but i guess i dont want to be a monster. and i feel like i'd be a monster, a bad person, all that.

So i'll just be a coward and let this person consume me and spit me out because i cant cut them out out of pure cowardiece and justification for their actions setting in. I feel sorry for all my friends and everyone around me. I think my worsening mental state, depression like shit, all of that is because of them. Or i could be wrong. i honestly cant tell how this began, this thing with x person.

i want someone to help me. To force me off this path and just do something about my situation. But i wont take that advice, ever. Im too much of a coward. I dont wanna make people sad after all. This person might commit suicide. I dont wanna be responsible for that so im staying. I dont wanna be a reason why i push someone to their doom.

Oh what a knock off cheap martyr i am. a maytry or a pussy. I guess this blog is "Watch theseus decline!" because thats whats happening. Im getting worse and worse. All because im too much of a pussy. but then again its justified because i dont wanna be responsible for another persons death. I dont want blood on my hands. and accidental or not people will always use that to hurt me every time. Imagine what my friends would say if i read this. Idk what they would say. Sorry if your my friend and you read this.

Anyways, their was new c!wilbur lore today. It put me in bit of a shock god it was something /pos.

Welp. Journal prompt: respond to this blog or write about it or whatever.

5/23/2022

It is somehow the 23rd i swore i wrote that post yesturday anyways I am gonna be writing about something i read in a book. The book is called "Coping Skills" by Faith G. Harper. The quote I want to talk about: "Things change when we change them. Or, at the very least, we empower ourselves to fucking try. I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to sit by and do nothing when the world is on fire. I’ll find a bucket of water. Or spit on it if that’s all I got. But I always feel far better when I try to make things better...If I’m going down, it’s not with an attitude of fatalism and nihilism. I’m fighting each step of the way."

This stood out to me because this is the attitude i used to have/i want to have. Things change when we change them, and I've been attempting to find ways to change my situation and my life that isnt insanelys stupid. For example I can sneak outside to go outside more and get contact with the world outside of my abusive parents. I could at any moment see whats in the real world and have a tiny glimpse of the world by just sneaking out. Of course the consequence for that will be i will get my ass kicked and their are dangers outside and if i end up in a bad situation in the outside world with a phone thats basically a tablet because it has no call or text or data features thanks to money...well i will be shit outta luck. I have a very small scope of what I can do to change alotta things.

Or maybe i just fit my role perfectly. What i mean by that is that I have grown up with rules that my parents have made or i have made by experiences with my parents fueling them. Dont go outside without permission because that will get me hurt, never go outside of their sight or where they are comfortable with me being physically or they will be angry. I am run on basically a program desperately trying to adapt to people who arent predictable. i always go with the sneakest way to do anything which has gotten me laughed at by my parents because they didnt see that as neccessary in some cases and thought it was funny.

Theoretically I could just do. Do things that i would never allow myself to do and that i feel like i cant to as a person. I guess they molded me perfectly. I want change and maybe i could get it if i was a bit risker than what i do now which is basically exessive daydreaming, some talking with my parents, being perfectly doclie and taking the abuse without a fight and hoping that i get somewhere somehow with making up all my kid years. I want to make up all the years i shouldve been a child when i am 17. But how can i do what i've never done within the rules of the house? I'm good at bending rules and shit. its what i do everyday. But my invitations to play games with friends have failed. Movie night is in limbo. I am in a mental disaster. I dont know what im supposed to do and how i want to have fun and what im supposed to do but. Idk. Maybe i wanna be the person my parents slowly smothered. When i came out as ace after i was outed (both happened years ago) i felt more free and made tons of s3xual jokes because it was finally okay to mention that sorta thing and joke about it but that was smothered. Because im supposed to be numb, intellecual, skilled in technology, etc. of a person who isnt supposed to joke. I wanna be lightheared and playfully do things and jokingly be a brat and be free to run around and have fun and laugh. I can never laugh now. Im an expert at try not to laugh challanges. Laughing around here is forbidden because it causes attention and that is BAD.

I wanna be what i percieve was what i want to be and what is "normal" at least from my vauge abstract understanding. I wanna do dumb shit. That might not be an accurate statement though? I've always been turned away from "dumb" or "Fun" shit that i saw because i am better than that, at least according to my parents. I wanna do dumb shit not in the drugs or alchol or partying teenager way but dumb meaning fun. What fun means can vary though and i can spend all day writing about shit that is vauge concepts in my head but i am not going to.

I guess i am trying to change things but i dont know how to do it correctly and their is still so much to change. Like how much me talking about how i have trouble with relationships (relationships can mean friendships) and my issues with it with all my friends could make a world of difference or none at all. I could still be lost as hell or it can all be sorted. How do i start that conversation what do I do to start that change? I do not know!! I tried to make a document last night but it felt more formal, impersonal, and therapist? mental health professional? like rather than the weird friends attempt at creating a bridge to try to get to understanding shit about relationships. Their are no resources for someone like me and yeah i guess that tracks with my bullshit but seriously am i that alone?? wtf is that bullshit?? I dont know how to start this because i cant find any resources or advice. So thats a thing preventing change. Literally any sort of path to try and do this change. Of course that might mean thats a good thing in other contexts but in this context i dont know?

I feel bad mentioning intellegence at all but i am talking about my personal life and trauma and my life has been so interconnected with intellegence and pressure and trauma surrounding my parents treatment of my intellegence and me. Intellegence has now become indepedence in recent years with my mom at least with how she treats me in regards to that subject.

Am i getting off track? I dont know. I could change so much but i cant change anything. I can change things if i am more risky and forceful with things but i wired for surivial not changing my situation. Maybe I'm beating myself up over not doing more to change my life but also like i dont know how i can do more than what I do. Did i mention that my twitch and youtube are apart of me trying to change my situation? It sounds stupid and shallow and ive been taught doing shit for money is shallow and will sink any project so like. It feels like im confessing something when i say that money is apart of what i want out of it. I have a genuine passion for youtube/making vidoes and i discovered i really liked livestreaming in these recent years. I've always wanted to make content and have a sort of "content friend group". When i was so alone in my old apartment I felt as if i was the only way I could have friends that are closer than those over the landline phone. I want to make money off of making videos and shit because of the fact that I am abused by my parents and its one of the few ways I can make any fucking money. I dont have a way to make fucking money because I dont have an id. and i am reliant on my parents to make a bank account and paypal for me that i own and trust their word that they wont break their promise and try to hack it to get my money.

G-d Idk if i am even making any sense right now or if i am just rambling stream of conscious nonsense. Stream of conscious is just what this blog is.

so maybe I am doing all i can to escape my abusive parents but i feel like im doing nothing and thats because maybe I am. I dont even know of what Im escaping TOO. Like. why is life worth it? What am i fighting so Hard for? I dont know. I might be a bit hard on myself right now. I listen to my parents rules as I can and I mostly break them. Maybe I am wondering too much about how my life would be like if I just broke these invisible barriers that are dictating my behaviour and take way more risks. Do i risk death by sneaking outside? by talking to people over voice chat? I feel like im limiting so much by being safe but I dont know what benefits i'd have. Maybe I just thinking wayy to fucking much about bullshit.

The book im reading good. neat. interesting. This became really off track.

I might put the quote on my quotes page with more information about how I think the quote used to apply to my behaviour. Now I think it fits less. I know why but I kind of dont know why.

I made thumbnails all day today while listening to tne rtvs podcast and various wayne radio tv vods mixed in with other things and browsing shit.

Speaking of quotes thanks preresent for quoting that to me in "record n143"!

I dont really know what else to write.

Journaling prompts: Opinons on the quote from "coping skills" I put wrote about, what you thought about my blog entry because I lack attention constantly, or whatever else you wanna write about.

5/25/2022

I scheduled some uploads so thats taken care of. I wasnt feeling well at all yesturday. Mom and dad have been way worse recently. I think a friend of mine is ghosting me because I had an episode. That sucks. Its either that or I am just being a bit of a prick after having an episode and not being talked to for a few days for whatever reason. I am self-centered i guess when you boil down to it. I cant control my bullsht mental health shits, I am constantly worried about MY health, i get super worried about friendships after something happens and we dont talk for a few days. Part of its my fault because im going on invis more often recently, almost constantly on that setting in discord. So no one really know im online. I know why Im doing it but like. I dont know if its a good thing im so worried about my actions affecting other people or not.

Maybe i deserve my parents shit. Things are looking down for me. Maybe I'll sort out all of my projects, finish them, and go from there. I've been feeling more and more suicidal recently. As a result of all the shit my parents are doing and shit.

Dads so angry lately. Its scary as shit. He's threatened mom and i dont wanna even talk about yesturday. Things are truly falling apart.

Most of my life its been "finish these things I want to do, then ill die" and ive always tried to steer myself off of that but im coming back to that now more and more often recently i think. idk. maybe ive always been like that and i didnt know.

Honestly i wonder if im a narcissist or not sometimes. I wonder if i am just overreacting to bad things that happen. I wonder if i focus to much on myself. Their must be some way to control somethings that go on with me, all my various episodes. I know i could do better. I just have nowhere to start. Or maybe I do. Maybe my sort of hatred and bad talk of myself is just apart of my thing? idk. I mean my healths been ignored all my life and so much other shit but at one point does abuse become me just being a narcissist? I hate the demonization of npd and Im not saying I have npd (Narcissistic personality disorder) but I dont know what other way to phrase it because in the majority of peoples minds when you say the word narcissist a very specific image some up of a self righteous horrible person who cant change and only hurts people. Aka what Peaceful said I am. and ive been blaming myself for somethings that happened with KS and maybe that is justified. maybe i am a self righteous horrible person who cant change and only hurts people. I want to try to be good but here I am publically having a pity party for myself. Only a few people know of this site and even fewer actually read it. So i guess its not the worst if its my little site.

Idk.

At least this morning i had a few good interactions with my friends. Its weird to say but i was super happy and i felt like I got a good grade on "friendship" If that makes sense (its also a reference to that one funny post meme thing Ive seen on tumblr a few times but it fits lol.). I havent had a talk with anyone about like. My major delimas with friendship because i wanna have more interactions before I feel comfy with doing that. Maybe I am putting it off but idk.

I try to live with the mindset that people would tell me if something is wrong but multiple things have got me doubting that. Including my current situation witn friendship.

I've just been drawing these past few days and doing what feels like nothing. Feels like i've wasted today, its 5 pm and all i've gotten done was scheduling, failing at drawing and eating ig. today just zoomed by with me just hazing through it. I feel like something happened last month to fuck me up but idk what.

I was thinking about previous situations with someone. Once i got worried that i was too emotional and too worried about someone after they left to live with their abusive family or whatever. I still feel like i did overreact. I didnt ask the person about that situation specifically but now its too late too. I've worried and things ended up being nothing in the past. I dont want to stop worrying but. idk.

I hate that my dad is an abuse survivor. Makes me wanna die because if what I am destiened to become is either someone like dad or someone like mom then I wanna quit. I'd rather quit this "life" of mine then be like them. Sacrafice people I love from that pain that I would give them once im away from my parents. Maybe thats bullshit but the idea that if your worried about becoming like one of your parents you wont become like them also seems very much bullshit based on quite a few things, like my parents. People can choose to change, sure. But what if peaceful was right and I cant change no matter how much I want to? That I dont really care about others despite what I do that seems like I care. Those things peaceful said to me really hurt me and sometimes I wonder if i am a self righteous horrible person who cant change and only hurts people for being hurt by that. Peaceful said those things one of the times KS threatened to die or almost died im pretty sure which could be an explination but I dont think so. I try my best with things but maybe I can NEVER be enough.

I guess ill just keep existing with the same things haunting me and these same situations while i try to change and improve things...Maybe thats why trying to change my sitation for the better rarely works. Because Peaceful was right. or he isnt.

Welp. its just another day. I'll get back to doing whatever it is I do i guess.

As always you can write about this entry because i crave attention I guess LOL. Otherwise for your prompt: Whats one thing that haunts you? That you know will be your metaphorical game over?

5/27/2022

I think things have cooled down a bit in my personal life, I mean my parents arent as bad these past two days.

I went for a walk today with dad around and just outside the apartments. It was grounding and it felt really nice. It was a walk to take out the trash. It stopped me from self harming. Last night I thought my self harming was getting worse, that i was losing control of this thing that I have control over. Like yeah its addicting and stuff but i still have control. I know what now that I didnt cut but instead took out the trash. Taking out the trash with dad made me get dressed and that made me feel okay a tiny bit.

The video I made got 7 views so far! The one that I edited and took me months. Thats pretty good i'd say. I'm doing a file backup right now.

Lately I noticed that things i onced loved dont seem to really interest me anymore. Not alot does nowadays, if anything. I hadn't listen to a Wilbur Soot song or a Lovejoy song in a good while. So I remedied that and listened to alot of music by them. Its weird but i missed listening to their music. Im listening to the song "jubilee line" right now in fact, its my own little edited version.

I've been a believer for a long time in magic. Yknow people who genuinely call themselves witches and practice magic? I do that. I do tarot cards and spells and things. So I made my little own version of jubilee line that i enchanted in a way.

Because i somehow found hope to escape my situation? I mean. magic hasnt worked before to escape it but i've gotten more ideas now. So maybe this time it will work. Some people might not call all thats stuff real but its real to me. Its like a security blanket i guess, or one of them. I can say my parents not knowing about my twitch and youtube and things isnt just dumb luck but its because I did a spell to prevent them from finding out. Its also just something I do, i guess.

When something doesnt work, you have options. Try and try to hack at it again to get through something and I think this time It will work, and I will just leave my parents and end up somehow adopted by a really good and nice family. It could be all fake escapism. Unreality that i just believe in. I like to think otherwise.

This drive was fueled by a few things. (i think i got some dejavu just now. i constantly feel that emotion now. its odd.) I read something and my feelings on it where also fueled by another thing. I realized on my tombstone to say that I tired. That if i died trying to escape my parents I tried. If they kill me I want my grave to say that I at least tried to escape them. Thats how I want to be known if life is well. realistic. Which it is realisitc in most cases, and I know what Im gonna die because of my parents and I have little faith in my life lasting because my parents tried to murder me before and they have driven me to suicide so many times. I dont feel like im trying hard enough to escape even though i was doing everything I can so I'm throwing myself into blind faith of something i can only prove through a dozen or so ancedotes that might be able to be disproven. I dont know why i want to live a real life so bad as I dont think their is litreally anything out their for someone whos lived a life like mine so far but. I wanna see what real life is like and now this stupid bullshit. I'm deseperate. Really desperate. Writing this im worried someone wont take what I say seriously. Like ah yes I geniuinely believe i and all humans can do magic and thats not a delusion might sound delusional but. We all believe different things. and its my blog/my site.

A thing that might be common in "magical" circles is manifestation. Of course this is often tied into with the "Law of attraction" which is a bunch of cultish bullshit. Although I believe I manifested things into my life before. Like my first ex. I wanted to know if I could feel romantic attraction one night, and that night I was having a bit of a breakdown that night. So i made a wish to whatevers out their to put me in a relationship and that I didnt care what happened to me as long as I knew if i was "normal" or not or whatever I wished. Something along that. I think i already knew my ex at this point but I could be wrong, that times all a blur. After that, sometime later, like months I think, I was sexually abused by my ex and very bad shit happened that "Reset" me as a person and everything was taken from me. Thats why minecraft and minecraft youtube. Who i was was taken from me forcefully and I was forced to be someone else, and when that was taken away and I had no goals because my goals was the life that my first ex swore i had...I had nothing. For months. It was bad. I kind of and Kind of dont remember that time but minecraft and all those things once I found it late-ish 2020 became what I was. Who I still am. At my core Im just a kid who had nothing after a disaterous time and turned to minecraft I think. Maybe Im someone else "at my core" Idk. this part is a bit pointless lol.

So I believe strongly I can change my life because its my fucking fault that I was abused by my first ex. I practically asked for it. I dont think I deserved around 8 or so months of hell from KS but I know i deserved my first exes bullshit. I never really recovered from my first ex it just got pushed to the side by other trauma. Is that healing? New traumas drowning the old? Idk. THe point is that If i magically caused myself to go through my first ex then I can magically fix my life right now if i believe hard enough. I hope.

I dont wanna die like this. I really fucking dont. I dont wanna live like this i wanna escape I want so much and I dont know why I want out from this place so bad. I might want to escape my abusive parents because Im curious. I always wonder "whats next" and I always want to find out more and more because what I dont know can be anything. Thats why I havent commited suicide yet I think because I always want to know whats next in my life. Even if this is hell and whats next is hell.

So I'm using magic that sometimes ties in with my delusions and dads lies about reality so well. Sometimes it doesnt connect at all. My dad kinda ruined my foundation as a being when I was younger I think. I mean both of my parents kinda do the same thing now. They make me believe delusions and lies as fact but sometimes it was really fantastical. Some stuff would sound like pure fantasy to an outsider.

Sometimes I worry that my family is cult-like. The BITE model can tell you if something is a cult or not. I think this is it at least. I havent really read it to be honest but I know a cult tactic thing is telling people that outsiders would never understand. A tactic designed to keep people in the cult loyal to the cult and away from the outside world. My parents did that when I was younger, instilled it to me that outsiders would never understand our family, that we are different. My dad still does this sometimes. Also glancing at the "Behavior Control" part of the model some of it fits. Regulating my reality and requiring permission for major decisions for example. Maybe if i read through the model more I will find that I am wrong in thinking my family is cult-like but maybe all abuse is a bit cult like. I mean after all my first ex, my parents, ks, peaceful I all had to rely on. They controlled my reality, the way I thought, threatened people i cared about (well. Not all of them I guess? Peaceful maybe didnt do that? uh.), etc.

I still blame myself for the bad thing that happened with KS. Or im starting to blame myself again. Like yes I was the victim but it has to stay a secret for a reason. People would hate me my life would be over. Maybe its because I've never really told anyone in full the secret. I never really got that reassurance proper. So now the guilt is creeping back up. Is something your fault when you cant say no to it? When your ability to consent is taken away by a threat? Maybe Im the victim and im just going through that common self blame or maybe I am at fault. KS apparently was forced to hurt people when they where younger. Its why i couldnt say no or have boundaries or etc with KS. Say anything negative or of that sort of thing and they will breakdown and someone might die, most likely them and me. So I didnt say anything to them at all, not to say I avoided bad shit bad shit happened with them every godammned day. They ruined all my thoughts. Im glad I have long stopped policing my every thought to be sure is KS approved. Im glad i stopped having breakdowns over stuff like liking colors. Idk if thats a real thing i had a breakdown over, its just something i said to show how stupid it all was.

I also feel bad that they deleted most of their blogs on tumblr. Like what does that say about me and ks. was i the bad guy? or did ks want me to think that? I dont know. I made myself upset again. I need to calm down.

Journal prompt: what you thought about this blog for today and/or a response to the question. Is something your fault when you cant say no to it?

5/29/2022

So misswannabe in their journal entry on "26/5/2022" asked me how I chose my name Theseus and the username "Wirescarryingme"! I honestly forget how I chose the name Theseus but I Think I know why I chose the name? The name first really became significant to me with the song "Welcome Home Theseus" by Kanaya. I believe in polytheism and even though the song is a fansong for something I like it felt like a deity I worship was singing to me in some parts. I also really like the media that inspired the fansong, the fansong was inspired by the line "Welcome Home Theseus!" said by Technoblades character, named Technoblade, on the Dream smp. Technoblade first references Theseus here, during this moment in the lore of Dream smp that i didnt see live even though I couldve lol. and the name Theseus really sounded nice to me at one point in my relationship with KS, you all probably know the deal with toms (Whos name is Tommy, but I call toms as a nickname.) in the relationship with KS. He basically got me into that relationship and He was fronting for alot of the time but I had to pretend to be Toms often. This is relevant because my name was Tommy before the whole thing with KS. Two people with the name Tommy in one head was confusing anyways so I changed my name to Theseus! (Does that explaination make sense?) I'm basically a nerd about the Dream smp its one of my special interests so yeah.

I chose wirescarryingme years ago in middle school when I made my second tumblr account ever. I was old enough to have a tumblr so I made a new one because my previous one violated tumblrs tos by existing (i made it before i was 13.) and I LOVED the song "wires" by the neighbourhood. The song is from the point of view of someone whos friend is suffering with suicidal thoughts, depression all that. Wires are mentioned multiple times as a metaphor for the things that haunts the singers friend. and OH Boy did i relate to that! I was doing really really terrible in middle school with mental health issues (i am suffering with issues now but It was a different breed of issues back then so to speak.) and I really related to the friend that is sung about in this song. So "wirescarryingme" is a reference to how I am ensnared in my issues and they are "carrying me" lol. It was kinda a very hidden and not understood cry for help. It then became my thing and my username for everything. Im very attached to the username because its me yaknow? Although i've changed and gotten better from who I was in middle school I still love the username. its no longer an "active cry for help" tho.

So those are the stories behind my username and first name!

I honestly dont even know what to write about otherwise. I was going to write about another person in my past but I dont know. Eh, fuck it.

Lets call them Bone. I knew Bone sometime before my first ex. I think we met in 2018? 2019? Something. It was a long time ago. They meant alot to me. I was so attached to them. We were close. I was not doing well mentally back then and sometimes I think thats why they left eventually. If they did leave because how I was mentally around when we first met and sometime after wasnt well and it was too much thats valid. I dont know. They just. disappeared in 2020 at one point. It was late 2020.

I loved them. Not romantically. I still miss them sometimes. I met my ex and we got together at one point, I excitedly told bone. Then I disappeared for awhile from their pov. I was being abused by my first ex. My first ex threatened Bone multiple times. At one point I had to give them Bones tumblr. Thats when I messaged them again apologizing and trying to reassure them that my ex was a good person without them even saying anything. I dont remember what they said. Maybe thats why they left. I fucked up alot back then. I wont deny that. Whatever reason they arent friends anymore its valid. Im not writing this to try and get them back to be friends with me.

Its just. I viewed Bones as my future. They were older and I liked them more than friends but not romantically. I pictured myself living with them, playing splatoon and eating ramen and I really wanted them. I wanted a future. and then my first ex became my future and I recently realized that alot of what I went through was for them. Its fair that they didnt try to do anything about the situation but they shouldve known my ex was abusive. It was obvious! I accidentally gave them evidence of it after all. and I felt abandoned long after it all happened. I think i accepted that we arent gonna be friends. That they moved on and are different now and so am I.

But it still hurts. I still feel like that little fucking newly teenager. 14 Im pretty sure? I dont know. Im 16 right now, 17 in less than two weeks. I was with my ex early 2020. Idk how old i was. My ex was a year older than me.

I was a mentally ill dick back then and I freaked out once because Bone called my parents abusive and Bone was right in the end. I dont justify me "virtually yelling"? Typing in all caps and blocking them for sometime to cool off or whatever. They probably didnt say anything about my ex for that reason.

They had no reason to try and intervene. They had no reason to try and chat with me or to do anything. But i still feel abandoned. Left to a monster. my ex changed me, and made me a differnet person. I dont wanna be who I was before as I was so unstable. Im still unstable but it distubed my trauma around my middle school that fucked me up and changed me for the better. I tried to make myself "better" after my ex, thinking it was my fault. I had some sort of psychotic episode because of everything my ex did and I thought it was my fault and It could be fixed by continuing to have disordered eating shit and other things. I was the clean from self harm from the longest time after my ex. I practically became obssesed with loa. I was not in a good state but I was okay. things felt apart in late 2020 when i started remembering. I actually got back into contact with Bone late 2020. Thats when i relasped in self harm and havent gotten that 6 month clean streak since.

I dont know what the point of writing this is. Im just going over the past. Maybe it was a good thing that Bone left me to the wolf so to speak but at the same time. Did they not know? My first ex was acting really abusive in the screenshotted messages I sent Bone. They must've known. Yet they did nothing. and i suffered. Because it was either my ex commiting death if i left, or coming to kill me or coming to kill Bone. I forgot about that third thing. Repressed it i guessed.

Its 2022. I should be over 2020 shit. and yet Im still thinking about it and writing it. I guess it all ended up okay but i trusted Bone. I loved Bone. Its okay they left. But I guess I want to know if they knew something was wrong. I want to know what they thought. I want to know why they did nothing. How they felt. I'll never get to know and thats okay but I guess im just grieving a bit.

I guess thats the truth of things. No one really saves others. I dont think I wouldve listened to Bone. But when my ex freaked out and I messaged Bone to make sure they were okay..I wouldve listened then. I knew something was gravely wrong. I felt so powerless though. I wanted friends to turn to and hide behind. and the only one I knew accepted what I said and didnt even think to say anything. I dont know why I said the things I did about my ex to Bone. It was cliche victim defending/in denial about their abuser shit. I knew it. I half believed it but also. I knew somethinng was gravely wrong.

I guess thats something that affects me. I mean my first ex still affects me but. Maybe that moment was traumatizing. When Bone didnt do anything? Its like Trauma in the sense my brain cant fucking process why. Cant process so much shit about that moment. I still feel betrayed and abandoned. I didnt feel that in the moment. I was just scared in the moment. Pure scared. I knew my ex was abusive in that moment i think but brushed it off. I was shaking I was truly terrified.

I could repeat it all day. Go over the same things over and over and ruminate in it. But I dont want to. I kinda wanna just avoid it.

Journal prompts: Where did your name come from? Why do you think bone didnt do anything? Talk about a situation in which someone knew or you knew someone was in trouble or you where in trouble and you didnt/no one didnt do anything? Thoughts on my blog post? You dont have to do all of those but you have options.

5/31/2022

I've had some half finished webshrines on this site, I think the only one is my Wilbur Soot one actually. The rest are unfinished. Vultures, a whole page on my fic with the same title, is also unfinished. I attempted to make a hlvrv webshrine these past few days. Its one of the things I've really put special effort into to make a fancy layout instead of something like this or other things on my site. An essay I am writing that I want to put up has the same deal, only its more of the big titan of what I wanted to write that is blocking me from making any real progress. The Hlvrv fanpage that is not online has the most issues with layout. Maybe Im trying to go beyond my skillset but it is interesting.

Now onto what I want to write this entry about, an analysis I found about Dracula based on Dracula daily. Dracula daily is newsletter that delievers you Dracula in chronlogical order on the daily. I found it quite relatable to my life. I Think? kinda relate to Johnathan Harker from what I read from the Dracula entries so far. Its interesting. Maybe I am just drawing parallels that dont exist. I havet really thought about it until now I think. I've related to somethings I guess.

The post Im going to be reffering to and quoting is here, the post is by "vickyvicarious"

So basically, i am not allowed to go outside. I am not allowed to have any connection with the outside world besides very few areas on the internet. This and many other things I do online are actively breaking the rules that my parents set. My mom wants to allow me to be outside, at least from what she said today, but Im honestly unsure if this is sincere or if she just wants to gain my trust.

"Jonathan's range of movement/safety has been reduced from the whole castle, to the halls and some rooms, to just HIS room, to his letters, to nothing at all but the journal he literally has stashed on his person at all times. And even then, the Count has changed his clothes while he was unconscious once before, and is able to climb through the windows/break the door open the way he broke the other one shut if the bedroom door were locked or barred. He's not just in danger — he has no refuge at all. Nowhere and nothing that feels out of the Count's reach, except his journal, which again is only if Dracula doesn't notice it. (Plus the intent was clearly that Jonathan would have nothing at all by this point, and his journal being safe is pure luck, so if it's discovered it would be treated as another betrayal/breaking of the rules.)" - vickyvicarious.

I was allowed in the outside world when I was younger. I was allowed to call people and have friends. I just wasnt allowed to talk to people online and it was very restrictive, but I dealt with it. It was fine? My parents didnt want me to have friends despite verbally wanting me to have friends. I say this because of how they talked about a friend that I called very often and what they did to me sometimes based off of me talking to my friend and afterwards. They claimed that the friend was bad for me, that after calling them i was always angry, etc. They did everything to tear me apart from this person I still know today, but considering that I am loyal to people and I am very loyal to this person (i was maybe too loyal to this person when i was younger. A tad too obsessed I'd say.) it was hard for them to tear me apart from this person and they never really succeded in their quest to make me hate them. Im still friends with this person after all.

Overtime things changed. Very slowly. I didnt notice it until it was too late. Dad ruined me and moms relationship for years based off of some simple lies and he took me out of a physical middle school and he wanted to turn me into a scapegoat for a really bad cause, but he was always lazy and he never really did what he wanted to do based of of shit he made up about my extermely bad middle school. I always thought something with dad was my fault honestly. I didnt notice that dad managed to trap me in the apartment with no way to go outside until years later? Years are so blurry i cant tell you how long I've been here. Its all the same.

I found a way to break the rules and develop a connection to the outside but even then years ago I got outed to my parents and they looked through everything. They saw everything. Its a miracle I am still somehow here online under this name. They forgot very quickly about everything in the favor of being bigoted towards me. They still describe as everything they saw as the browser I used. They dont remember I have a discord and tumblr and everything. Its still something I worry about because It was so traumatizing for me and they couldve lied to me. Given me a false sense of security. They could be reading this right now. I dont know. I'll never know. It would be smart to change my online name and everything but. I dont want to. Im not sure if i can? idk.

So to quote what i quoted again "...to his letters, to nothing at all but the journal he literally has stashed on his person at all times. And even then, the Count has changed his clothes while he was unconscious once before, and is able to climb through the windows/break the door open the way he broke the other one shut if the bedroom door were locked or barred...Nowhere and nothing that feels out of the Count's reach, except his journal, which again is only if Dracula doesn't notice it. (Plus the intent was clearly that Jonathan would have nothing at all by this point, and his journal being safe is pure luck, so if it's discovered it would be treated as another betrayal/breaking of the rules.)" - vickyvicarious. Its something I keep thinking about today.

The post talks about how Johnatons privacy has been breached and how it slowy got worse and worse overtime in the story. Its true nowadays that I have little to no privacy at all. From my parents to how discord reads every message you write but its the only safe option for me to keep a journal because history can always deleted. My parents could theoretically never know I use the webapp for my journal. All of my accounts of my abuse, my suicidal ideation, my breakdowns, mundane info, all of that I write in discord discord knows and sells. It knows how desperate I am. Its the lesser of two evils though. Discord has never attempted to murder me. My parents are a bigger threat than caring about some things regarding privacy online, honestly. I still really care about privacy online, my special interest in it was because of my parents outing me after all but like. Somethings I gotta let slide. Its why despite my parents also forcing privacy down my throat as a kid while giving me a computer at the age of two im so okay with making this online blog because. All of its online anyways. It can be so easily breached, almost too easy which is a fear of mine but. still. I believe that you almost never have to chose between two evils and yet I chose the lesser of two evils. This is one of the times where you have to chose who you wanna give power. and the people who have the power to kill me dead is the one I wanna take away as much power as possible from. No matter how much i care about online privacy somethings i have to be complicit in. My morality for not going offline from discord ever and that whole debate aside,

To quote another part of the post: "Not only can Jonathan not send a letter now even if he found a willing conspirator, but if he were to just flee despite the locks, he'd now have to contend with not only geographic isolation but also a lack of money/identification/travelling wear. He's been pushed to almost a breaking point of just being completely reckless in search of freedom and safety... except Dracula is still acting like a friend. Jonathan is so entirely within his power, and every other time he's tried to rebel the consequences are swift and limiting. (Whereas, when he listens to the rules, days can go by without escalation.) There's not much further to go from here without openly acknowledging what's happening, and once he does that Dracula has no reason to hold back. It's the rock of "if I do nothing he'll just kill me eventually" and the hard place of "if I disobey again, what will he do this time?"" - vickyvicarious.

This is also relatable. I gave up my ablitiy to easily recieve packages from people with KS. I could probably somehow do something with Peacefuls name (he was someone from my school) and my best friend since first grade but those are complicated. I chose my old afab friend back when my online school allowed the kids to talk to each other because it was the safest option, Im afab and my parents wouldnt be as weird as with an amab person (Peaceful) and my best friend since 1st grade. Peaceful was from my school and amab so my parents would be creepy and weird as HELL about a package from someone pretending to be that person and My best friend since first grade they dont know im in contact with and want me to hate. I almost got a package from the latter once but it fell through. I do have people willing to help me escape but we are all powerless I feel. Sure 1st grade friend can try to get a job to save up money for the both of us and be their for me for example and that is something I guess but. Its not enough. No one can actively come to where i live or talk over the phone with me for hours at a time or give me supplies to help me escape. No one can do that. Im effectively cut off unless if i pull really complicated shit that might get me to a. game over. so to speak

Not only that but I have no money but a penny and some dollar bills i can find. Theirs probably more that wouldnt be missed but their is no way in hell i could look for them without being noticed i think. I dont have any identification besides a birth certificate that ive never seen, dont know where it is because my parents hid it and i cant see it and a social security card thats mine but my dad keeps it for me and i practically cant have it. But you need a real picture id for alot of things. To get a job, a bank account, to even do some tests that are required to graduate! and I dont have that. My parent promise to get me one but. idk. I'd have to be completely reckless in order to try and break free or do something major that could get me closer to freedom just like johnathon. Hell the other day while i was streaming i left my room because of my mom and she asked me if i was hiding anything. Shes onto me and suspicious of the streaming that i've managed to keep hidden. I've had this whole scheme that if i somehow got a paypal and set up donations with streamelements and got sponsorships since apparently streamelements offers those or whatever then i could be golden but no. I need an id and i need to very carefully lie and set up a complicated metaphorical spiders web for my parents to even get an ID which is one of the steps requried to get the paypal mom promised me. My mom says I can talk to people online as long as I stay safe but I know shes lying. I know what she will do if she ever discovers I talk to people online. She wants a false sense of security in order to hurt me.

"...and once he does that Dracula has no reason to hold back. It's the rock of "if I do nothing he'll just kill me eventually" and the hard place of "if I disobey again, what will he do this time?"" - vickyvicarious. that rock and a hard place vicky describes is where im at. my dad tried to kill me before and apparently maybe mom but I dont remember that. If i do nothing they will kill me eventually, by their own hands or drive me to suicide/force me to do suicide. If i disobey my parents I have no idea what they will do, they might Kill me after all. Hell lately dad got to the place he was years ago around when he tried to kill me and the other period when tried to make me starve. and its because i explained to him what something was and couldnt explain it anymore or simplify it anymore and dad got so pissed. I also tried to stand up for myself and end the converstation. Maybe thats why he was mad but hes gotten that mad recently for no reason. Again. Its scary as shit. If i disobey/finally go past what Im limited to for my own safety, or if they find out about how i already disobeyed, then i might be Dead. Dad claims that he is immortal. So what does that make me if i share his same blood and hes not crazy? I mean I already kinda believe I am to admit something I've wanted no one but a few people to know about because it sounds so egotistical when its not but like. If we're both immortal does that cancel it out? Are we the only things that can kill each other. and I will NEVER kill him so. He can essentially kill me. And even if im not immortal and if somehow memories/stuff I KNOW happened without a doubt before he told me he was immortal was just a product of his delusions or a coping mechanism that stemed from something that happened when i was 4 years old or before that then that just means a layer of protection I thought i had is not their. It just means im fucked. I've always been scared of people who abused me coming to murder me i've always been scared of murder and it weird how my experience with dying before and coming back isnt why i want to die sometimes and wasnt almost ever why i tried to die again...

Do i even make sense anymore? Like. if the whole foundation of my reality, one of my basic facts when I dont know my name or anything else I can know this and rely on this is fake then. Why. Why did I suddenly die or "die" when my dad crawled on top of me in bed when i was four or something like that with my mom to cover me. Why did it feel like i was being held down and touched everywhere in death. I never told anyone but one person about how my first afterlife felt physically. It was always a secret. It was like torture what i experienced dying for the first time being smothered and held down, paralyzed by death. The few people i trusted enough to tell only know what it looked like. That i saw every fictional character from kids cartoons, even ones who didnt exist yet and how they wanted me to become their god. How they were all welcoming me and all of that shit. Sometimes i regret not taking godhood. I mostly standby my choice. I never wanted to stay in that horrific place. Besides, afterwards I was sucked into that place in daydreams anyways. Like i was taken to another world sometimes. I was still their diety. I still commanded armies and was a general. That im more willing to say is just a daydream despite how real it is.

The thing we fought against was an alter. The one who attacked my parents when they attacked me. The one who defended me. Thats why i always thought she was something else. That alter that yeah did do shit to hurt me later but its. yknow. what it is.

Its like. If all of that was fake and a trauma response, a coping mechanism. Then what the fuck really happened to me. I mean i was almost kidnapped when i was like 2!! I was almost murdered some months? a year? after that by someone who was in love with my father and way too young for him!! Like maybe illegal young? No not illegal but you get my point. That didnt affect me. I didnt feel any real emotions about those things and still dont it is what it is. What happened to make my brain traumatize me if i never died and came back.

I did die and come back multiple times, and i stand by that. Death was never as. Touchy. with me as it was when i first died but nonetheless it was death. 0/10 dont reccomend idk why i fantasize about a completly different verison of it that is not sometimes.

I think i derailed myself. But at the same time this is my corner to be open about almost everything. To talk and let it all out. Im worried about that possibilty of talking about this murder me but fuck it discord knows it and sells it as data for ad revenue and their might be a possility that what i use to backup my journal can leak everything anyways so!! it is what it is!!! it doesnt matter!! I'd rather have control over it by this than leaving it up to possible third parites.

Im not gonna talk about death more since that really upset me but. i wanted to talk about the line from vickys post "Again, great psychological horror." and how my life is a psychological horror. How it would be considered one if my life was made into a fiction novel for peoples enjoyment or if i sold a book with these journals in it (not that Im going to. its just an example.) how it would be considered a horror. but that doesnt feel right to end this post on anymore.

I also wanted to bring up a post by "nddb", to quote the part i wanna bring up "It's common for abusive people to take control away from a partner by taking their freedom away in small steps. Although this example is more dramatic, it's the same method. All Johnathan can do is watch as his slimmer and slimmer hopes get taken from him. No clothes, no notes, no money, not even blank paper. He can't travel even if he makes it out of the castle. Fuck. It's really hitting home how powerless he is now." and. yeah.

I've been crying at night begging the world for some sort of way to escape. just an easy way where im alive and everythings okay. Im probably gonna cry again tonight with the way my track record is.

I also wanted to talk about a quote from an interactive fiction i played but first let me just say these two interactive fictions are amazing go play them: https://luvstargrl.itch.io/ramiel and https://softannalee.itch.io/dogs.

The quote is from ramiel, a game i kinda relate to because i picture myself having wings and i think i do have them in headspace. I often have phantom limbs of various kinds that come and go but these are the most often/their the ones that stay. I wanted wings when i was a child and i even tried to fly and create a thing to make me fly. Im looking back smiling because thats cute. I was inspired by mlp I think to try and to the latter.

A quote from the game ramiel I keep thinking about is "You don't know where she is. You don't know where she went. You figure that you just had a mental break in high school from the stress..." I dont know why I keep thinking about it. I think it reminds me of that alter i mentioned earlier, i think about this often with her in mind ever since i played this last night. I might make another entry talking about this quote later but im not in the mood.

Journal prompt: talk about a quote from anything or a media analysis and how it relates to you or craziest thing that has happened to you that most people dont believe is real or this entry in generl or something else! You again have options for today lol.

6/2/2022

Happy pride everyone! Its 1 am my time.

I keep daydreaming about a weird thing. Something that would be me at my most vunerable, an act that would make me loyal to you forever if you complete it that i desperately want.

I have an external harddrive that isnt backed up. Of my entire childhood basically. of stories and things i created so near and dear to my heart. and something that is even more important. An old samsung phone. With a messaging app called wire, you can have a backup of all your contacts and stuff. You are supposed to be able to read past messages if you delete the app and import the file otherwise the app just keeps everything deleted. It never worked for me, and that phone was or is melting because i used it too much.

On wire, made with a tutanota email i dont have access to anymore, is alot of my converstaion with my first abusive ex. I'd do anything to have that back. To be able to open up a file on my computer and see it all. Thats why im so obssessive about backing up stuff on discord and shit. I managed to recover or find the full converstaions on tumblr with my first abusive ex. Something that is so lucky.

The reason why that is something i want but something that i would breakdown over while i was happening is because that is my soul, bare. Same with my laptop and all my current data. When dad fixes my laptop and holds it and is near it, in those rare times that he is he is holding me in my most vunerable, breakable, deleteable form. Its why my mom wanted to destory a thumb drive that a story of mine, "The Dark Past" which is a story i've never really done anything with but create so many files of it on various computers. I havent even done anything public with it but that goes for most of my works. Dad only got her to not destory it because he thought i wouldve killed myself if it was ever destroyed. and i agree. Its more than just tdps though. At least now. The red drive and my old phone are my life. Lives that i've barely touched. Same with this laptop and other things. I have trauma from being outed which is why im so protective over my stuff but those two things. It would kill me if i lost them. So i want an angel to come in and fucking. get that stuff and backup my red drive with an extra external harddrive i dont have and get those messages off of wire. Even if the messages would come in an mp4 video of the phone being emulated on a computer. I dont want anyone to read the texts between me and my first ex. I'd rather have my phone being emulated/some sort of thing that allows someone to see it and use it on a compter some sort of thing coded to scroll while an video is being recorded and turned every frame to a png. I dont touch the phone to do it myself. Im too scared. and that would kill me to see all of those texts. It would destory my mental health bigtime at least for a bit. But its so important to get it off and.

This is such a vunerable thing to write in a public space. It seems like im begging for someone to do this yet i cant access the outside world. I dont even know how i'd get the shit to someone if we live nearby, let alone cope with having those two items away from me. Im just some kid trapped in abusive hell in the state of Florida.

The youtuber Jschlatt made a good point about this place. Its where old people come to die, g-ds waiting room. But I'd add something to that based on my experience. Its also where children are born to die. Or something like that. Jschlatt of course said that as a bit. a ha-ha funny joke. my "addition" makes it not a joke. more serious and maybe missing the point. Hell, Peaceful also lives here. Hes 30 minutes away. He can kill me at any time or get my parent to kill me easily with one sentence. I live my everyday life with the knowledge i dont like to think about alot that im honestly truly fucked if peaceful wants to do something bad to me. Its game over. I have alot of game overs. One wrong move for me and its game over. Im playing life on the most difficult setting, metaphorically speaking, and i want it turned down.

I think if those two things somehow happened, my red drive being backedup and the texts on wire being exported and readable. I think they would heal me alot. I mean my first ex did so much bad to me on wire. Its why i hate every privacy focused messanger with a passion, they all focus on making stuff unreadable. Its good for shit you want to never come to light, i guess. My ex did so much to me via tumblr but. He did more over wire.

I dont know what more to write over than i wanted to get this off my chest. No one really knows I need these things done really. Maybe if i told a friend or something they'd help but im a fucking coward...and yet im a daydreamer. Hoping for things.

Prompt: Whats one thing you desire?

6/2/2022 part two!

Its now what I consider to be "the next day" from the previous entry and I wanted to talk about something. this tumblr post and this article by "the hotline" an abuse hotline that I've almost used before but then chickened out of it. TO BE CLEAR I 100 PRECENT AGREE WITH THESE THINGS but i wanna talk about why because they are important to me aswell as add an addition to it. I might make this an article seperate from this blog aswell so people can just read this without having to read the rest of my blog. Its important to me lol.

"Mutual abuse" is a myth. To quote the hotline: "Abuse is about an imbalance of power and control. In an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there may be unhealthy behaviors from both/all partners, but in an abusive relationship, one person tends to have more control than the other." and this is correct. Both parties in a relationship cant be abusers, period. No matter what. Another opinion: A child cannot abuse their parents.

Mom called me an abuser and the worse one multiple times because i hit her back and defended myself against her violence against me. Keep in mind i was like 4 and theirs no way I actually hurt her in the way that she acted she was hurt because shes a big, tough, then 40 now 50 year old woman and i was a small 4 year old who was in fight or flight mode. I wasnt that strong at all. I was just focused on getting her to stop hitting me so badly.

Some people would call me an abuser, that me and my mom were both abusers to each other and still are. Thats wrong because its a power imbalance. Shes isolated me, kept me helpless against everything she does and i cant even say no to my mom or dad without getting hurt and i always get very bad threats when i try to say no to them. Its been like that since i was a child and it still is now. Im just as helpless as i was then, maybe even more so because i cant physically fight back anymore.

It isnt abuse if their isnt a power imbalance. Someone younger than you can have more power than you, yes. But not the fucking kid who you gave birth to 2 years or three years, or four years or however many years ago. My moms parenting style is focused on "privileges", how can i be the abusive one when my mom can fucking take away literally anything in my life including fucking eating because she disliked something I did so i lost that privilege.

I might be a bit too angry on the topic but some people genuinely claim that children can abuse parents, that fighting back against your abuser is you abusing the abuser, etc. and it hurts me and makes me angry to hear that because of how unrealistic that standard is. Abuse survivors can hurt their abuser back and they most often do. I did. I fought my mom, my first ex, etc. I fought those people sometimes to defend myself.

Calling the victim an abuser is a say to shift the blame aswell, to get off scot free with what they've done.

I mean my point can basically be made in the last reblog the poster made: "okay I promise the last reblog but: it’s important to mention that abusers thrive off of this very idea. baiting a victim into retaliation in order to frame their abuse as part of a mutual brawl later, or to coax their victim into forgiving them because ‘we both behaved badly, we lost our temper’ etc is not uncommon. it’s a great way of making their victim doubt the reality that they’re experiencing abuse" - susansontag.

I guess im writing that I agree with this person on my blog is that its important to have my opinions on my site. Anyone who disagrees can unfollow or just stay away from my site. Aswell as this is my public diary. Im gonna write about my opinions and write about posts i agree with and talking about it and getting out my feelings of rage at people who claim that "mutual abuse" exists is a good way to get emotions out without "traumadumping" (im always lose with that term because i fear that like alot of psychological terms, its losing meaning if it had any already by everyone using it for everything. Seriously even if it is a "joke" or a "meme" dont say gaslighting to mean just lying.) because thats rude in a social space. But this is my space.

I've experienced multiple times firsthand my abusers claiming this exists to try and hurt me and get me to doubt my reality. Im not sure if I make sense in my anger right now.

Another thing im angry about is the depp vs heard thing. Depp won.

to be clear: I havent watched the trial and i've stayed away from it. Im sympathetic to Heard only because my parents called me "Amber heard" constantly to belittle me because of my history of fighting back against abuse and my tendency to yell back at my parents when they scream at me for hours and hours on end to the point where i feel suicidal (and they do this on purpose, making me feel suicidal i mean.) So like. I feel bad for Heard only because of how I got compared to her. They also made me think that that was my name/I was Amber heard. Im not, but that was extremely distressing so I defend her because i see her as me, a victim of bad shit, more than whatever the truth is.

My feelings about the case is pure hatred. People fucking fandomized a trial. It made people genuinely claim that they will never believe or support female abuse victims ever regardless of evidence and I think some of those people arent just talking out their ass. People on both sides insulted and tore apart abuse survivors in the most disgusting way. The juors werent even fucking isolated and they were probably normal people who went on twitter so they saw the absurd amount of people supporting Depp everyday, and look at that he won. (sarcasm start) Gee its almost like turning a trial into the worst cricus ever with people who write literal fanfiction about the trial defending depp to an extreme amount influenced depp winning and maybe people shouldnt have been THAT OBSSESSED with the trial! (sarcasm end). What I meant by that is making this trial into a public even that everyone was so gross about (i mean seriously smut fanficiton based on the trial that was no, not a joke and yes I saw more than one when trying to look up information about the trial one day. sad johnny depp tiktok edits? I could honestly write more but like. Treat the situation with respect stop being so fucking weird I beg literally every person in America or the world who was obssessed with this trial Stop. Stop it. Get help.)

I dont even care whos the "Real abuser" anymore other than the publicity of this thing was horrible and everyone who was obsessed with this trial treats abuse victims worse. Depp the abuser? Heard the abuser? Doesnt matter. Because its gotten alot of actual abuse survivours to be scared and its gotten quite a few survivours to feel hopeless including me. Because i know people will call me another Amber Heard because im afab and I hit my mom when she hit me back. It was in self defense. She almost seriously injured me I had no choice. I've never had a choice other than self-defense and lying to my parents, manipulating them to defend myself multiple times!

To quote a tumblr post that i found on this subject: "it made the trial about owning the “other side” rather than actually supporting the survivors in your life...seriously the attitude that all of you have shown is abhorrent and i wish you could be ashamed of yourselves"

Maybe im being an asshole but seriously. A person telling me that they wont believe any abuse vicitm, including me, "in support of Depp." has gotten me to seriously hate everyone who supports that asshole and Im seriously scared about how this trial will affect America.

I actually found reply to someone in the tumblr post I quoted made by the op that I agree with and basically stole my words for my mouth so "...like i would love to say its all over because the trials over but now its a Cultural Moment (tm) and the effects will last much longer— if they ever go away, all because some clowns on the internet decided to make a circus out of a couple of clowns" heres the quote, the poster is "xo-vesta" on tumblr. I dont follow them just like how I dont follow the other person I mentioned or quoted in this entry and another person I mentioned in a pervious entry, the one about Dracula Daily.

I think I've said this before on this blog but Happy pride to anyone whos read this. This is an angry as hell Queer, who might not've maken any sense while writing this because sometimes I do not make sense when i feel emotions (or maybe my parents were lying about that, like they do with most things.)

Journaling prompts: Thoughts about this entry/my opinons, Thoughts on pride month, If your queer thoughts on your queerness? I might write my next blog entry about my queerness actually.

6/3/2022

First, a reply to "Preresent" here on neocities.

"sorry. i don't really know how to say my thoughts because i'm dumb. i'm thinking of deleting this website but i know fall would probably say "guess they were too cowardly to deal with me" and that would be. bad..." Its your site, and honestly I wouldnt feel that way, I would miss your site and miss reading your entries. Its your site at the end of the day tho, so it doesnt really matter if i would miss your site. I dont think Preresents dumb, but im not gonna tell preresent how they should feel about themselves.

"you could back up your red drive online too. like on google drive or mega or something just for the time being. (maybe even internet archive, but i don't know the specifics of their policies.) you've presumably got space on neocities too." Great idea! /gen. Although thats not possible, my drive is over 1 terabyte so that rules out neocites (i have one gig on neocities. I dont think it could store any device I've used for Years.) and Mega aswell as Google Drive. Internet Archive might be an option but I dont like my entire childhood on display for the public forever, despite some personal musings of mine about how I want to leave a legacy and have every part of my life remembered (ill put that ramble here one day).

Contacting Wires help was something I tried along time ago and I go no response, I might try again just for my own sake. Maybe my ticket got lost or whatever. But good ideas Preresent! /gen

So.

I've been thinking alot lately. I wanna make it easier on myself to review my past and remember my past. My private discord server is impractical for daily reviews. I also put so much, I know about when i go to bed and when i wake up and so much gunk. I write alot. I could win an award for longest book ever if i put all my shit in one book. For example an older journal of mine is 69k words. Thats insane to me and I am probably in the 300k word area in my discord. I feel as if it has no substance. I barely remember shit and it doesnt help. I just write these entries and dont look back. I wanna be able to easily work back. I started my year review today because I know I cant review my entire year in December so its a year long project. https://medium.com/the-experimental-year/the-year-i-broke-up-with-myself-a-review-of-2015-with-year-long-data-cf284e22f1f9#29e5 I was inspired by this thing and a few other things from the authors website.

I am stuck in all this self reflection that I am unsatisfied with. I feel as if my journals arent real journals and i cant see whatever substance it might have. Am I just a fucking echo chamber? I dont know. I do new things but I've been doing my discord journal ever since ks and i cant review it and i cant stop and i dont know if it has any real meaning and.

I think im questioning everything.

To quote something from the thing i linked: "Again, the journal theme had popped up, with a awareness that it is not just a habit to me, but a serious study into myself: all my journaling + public content + photos + self-quantifying is like a longitudinal study on myself." and I guess this is the same for me? I have so many journals and places where i record everything, I keep so many photos and things and i dont look at them at all i only create and add and its all so big im so overwhelmed. Is this a sign to create another discord? I dont know I like the discord. I created it while watching Quackity lore. It was only something to help me back when i was first looking into DID, this thing that i appaerntly had my whole life.

and i started writing in it more and more because i was too lazy to write in a document and it eased some concerns and as ks took over my life it became my main way of journaling and thinking about it its this giant brick that i have thats so big its too big is so overwhelming at this point. I dont know what to do i cant stop im nothing without obssesively recording small things in some stupid discord server that acts as a private journal with big texts lost in it all.

The size just makes me panic and i feel so fucking crushed. I dont know if i should create a new one or not to easy me the layout of the server is also a mess. Im also worried about it being the reason why i dont talk to people and.

Im so worried. I wanna create more ways to observe myself and be myself because i dont feel like i have ways to express myself but do i have too much??

I dont know and im not okay and this is something that I cant walk away from. I can walk away from my private journal i've been writing in it every single day for so long i cant miss a day. I need it . I need it to know myself. and yet who am i.

I dont know.

I feel like im suffocating in me and yet shit that means nothing.

I've been keeping myself busy and for what?? Why do i do so many things why cant I give myself to breathe and stop consuming and creating constantly why cant i just be still what am i fucking running from????

I feel like im running something but from what. From me? From the weight of the reality of my life??? Because it feels like nothing but if i just allow myself to realize that alot of shits a big deal then i might be fucked. Do i create large pillars to block myself from the weight of the world? To block up the sky? I think and daydream and create and write about me and i just do do do do all the time when can i stop? I want to stop.

I want to be able to stop and breathe but i cant. Have i created this situation? I want to create more and more i feel like i'm never doing enough and yet looking at how much i do constantly...I wanna breathe and relax with my friends but i CANT.

Like. I write in my private journal then i reade and archive everything i see while making pages for this site that arent up yet and i also schedule videos and keep up that shit and i write in this journal and i just do this do that constantly with content in the background and im hard on myself for not doing more. I have so much limited energy and its even more limited. Yet I dont know how to stop just constantly doing. And I lose time all the time so its not like im using the time I have wisely. I dont know what Im doing or why im doing it other than im just doing it. Doing various hobbies of mine all the time yet feeling like i have none.

I wanna observe myself more but should i? I somehow run away from things yet observe them at the same time. The month I started this site I feel like I was running from something looking back. Like theirs something I forgot and wanted to forget. and i dont wannat look back in my private journal or look at previous entries to find out.

I want change. Yet i dont know how to change what Im doing now. Thinking about how much i just write. and how that just sits on discord for forever and how time feels so far away as a thing and how even just a day feels like it streches on forever and all of that shit and how i dont even know how much i've written and how big my fucking private discord server is messsages wise. Im grateful for it because it help me know who did It on the night/early morning of october 24th/25th 2021. Thats the only thing I consistently reread is that one message. The rest? I dont know.

Its all so much. I dont even know what I fucking want anymore!! I dont know my direction of my goals other than upkeeping things that i create. I create so much and yet its not enough because most of that is my personal fucking journal.

Does it even matter? If i run from my past does it even matter that i keep a journal of my daily life, full truth, as a way from running from the past? I've never felt as if my journaling was valid. I dont feel like anything paints me and yet. The thing i've written in every day ever since before ks started should have a painted picture of me right???? right??? I dont know. I'm listening to the song "Empty pages" right now that i've written about before. I feel like It fits. I feel like it fits this entry. I dont feel as if ive become someone who i've spent my life running from however. I dont even know who i'd be running from other than the personfication of trauma.

Actually

Is that all i am? just trauma and things created, things I do everyday? I dont know who i am other than trauma memories and creations. Creation is why I live and yet. I dont know. I think im a bit dissociated right now honestly. Im someone who avoids trauma yet who am i other than trauma?? I dont know If i can ask other people who i am. I mean my name is Theseus b. Fall but who the fuck is that?? Whos Theseus B. Fall?? I dont know anymore. Someone in pain. somoeone hurting. Someone who needs people. Who feels so isolated from everyone because of brain weirdness. Someone whos more connected with fiction and the digital. Someone whos constantly writing and yet doing nothing and. I'd love someone to tell me who I am and consule me yet I dont think i can fucking do that sort of interaction with anyone.

Am i just a broken person whos just defined by my abusers? I dont know who I am away from my parents but i wanna escape them. am i just survival? Coping mecahnisms? A person who will get thrown away and dissapear as soon as we leave our abusers? Will i go away when i leave my parents? Am i just soley a product of living with them and nothing more? Them and fictional characters?

Im might cry. Im having a public breakdown i think. fuck.

I looked through my old journals. I just saw a little kid. Who was trying their best with what they knew. Someone that felt seperate. Tommy m is a different person than Theseus B. Fall yet we are the same. I wanna hug, nuture, and take care of that previous person when I read my fifth(well seventh but i call it the fifth its complicated) journal since my first ex.

While writing this I looked back in my private journal and its so distant. I recongized those events just yesturday being so near but they happened so long ago and events that shouldve happened a short period ago where so long ago so long that i could find them.

Even now I feel like im just watching myself write this, someone else is control of my body just typing my thoughts. Who am i? Am i just a being that gets reset and blurred everyfucking day to complete the goal for survival and nothing more. I have DID and its feels like people in my head, not "parts" of me like its considered scientifically. Its because of dissocaiation, i know. I just wonder if im more of a pilot for these people in my head to be safe then another person in the group. Am I an airplane that holds passangers and naviagates life until these people can put the pilot down? or am i more than that? am i actually a person?

I wonder if i should stop this entry or keep going. I dont even know what the point of this is anymore other than publically spiralling for some fucking reason. I dont really know anything. Im not here anymore honestly, whoever wants me needs to come back later.

Welp. This is it for now. I'll write another entry tommrow or whenever.

I dont know what to do for a prompt for this entry ending. You can write about my crisis or whatever it makes you think of i guess.

6/4/2022

So i had a crisis last entry. I played some smash bros after to calm down and i discovered im good at the game. Lately i've been trying to get my parents to let me go outside. Its a futile quest.

I talk about my abusers here, under nicknames like "KS" or I talk about them with discriptors like "my parents" or "my first ex." That scares me lately because of Depp vs. Heard. I've tried not to pay attention to it, but the ruling as an abuse survivor has made me scared. The world is turning hostile to survivors. People are now supporting Kyle Rittenhouse, a white supremesist school shooter, and Marylin Manson, Who sexually and psychologically abused many women, because of the fact that Depp won. Depp is making people support Abusers and School Shooters in the name of "supporting survivors". In reality, people dont care about survivors. I find the world to be alot more hopeless because Depp one. People are going after abuse surviours, abuse surviviors are retracting statements and pulling out of court cases because of this trial.

People are nostalgic about pirates, probably because of that show "our flag means death" or whatever and that made Depp win.

The juors where not seperated, they heard about this trial and saw all of the (imo disgusting) things people said surrouding it. Apparently TikTok went insane over it, another reason why tiktok is destroying humanity.

People think Depp is the good guy when hes done so many awful things. He dated a teen as an adult, he hired a psychologist to make Amber look unstable (which makes me doubt every single "professionals" opinon on Amber heard. Honestly i hate everyone who claimed Amber heard was lying because she acted "incorrectly". Ill get to that in a minute.), he literally said he was doinig the tiral to hurt amber, Depp defended pedophiles, Depp made a pedophile the Godfather of his children. He fucking. He fantazies about raping dead bodies and the jury sided with him. As soon as i learned that last bit of information I started shaking. My first ex has fantasies of Killing me and fucking me once i was dead. A Jury would let my exes, peaceful, my parents, get away with everything they've done.

The world already hates abuse survivors but now abusers can sue survivors! Even when the abusers arent named. I could get sued if any of my abusers were affected negatively by this blog. Once i even reblogged an ask ks sent me sometime after we broke up and they contacted me again and i called them the fuck out because they blocked me and i wasnt thinking right. If my dad becomes a successfully tiktoker and youtuber like he wants to be he can sue me if he learns that i talk about how he sexually abused me and tried to kill me. My dad called me sexy in front on my mom and touched my ass and she laughed. My dad watched porn in front of me. My dad has lolita porn which i learned might be illegal where I am. My mom took a video of me that was csem. and a court would let her get away with that. In fact, if a court ever heard about that I might be labeled the predator because laws are fucked. My dad tried to kill me for no reason, i was literally just talking to my mom happily and he snapped. My Dad even confessed to spanking me (which they taught me was abuse) and my mom confessed to other times that they were physically violent with me. (I didnt get it on recording which i hate.)

a jury would let my parents get away with all that. A jury would let Peaceful, KS, and my first ex off the hook. I dont wanna talk bout what they did to me because im afraid to do that.

Honestly a post made me think about this. I saw a post i reblogged was reblogged and i was reminded of the heard vs depp thing and got emotional. The post is here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/recoverywithanasterisk/685977992478998528?source=share

I agree with op. Survivors arent going to act in a way people always like and agree with. In fact i'd say survivors almost never act in the "proper" way. To quote the poster "When you publicly pick apart the words and behaviors of someone who might be lying about abuse (even if you are 100% convinced they are lying), you are hurting victims. You are hurting true victims that may have had an 'inappropriate' reaction. You are hurting actual victims that may have smiled or laughed or shifted their eyes or shut down while telling their stories. These are all human things to do!"

I've shut down when talking about my abuse, I'be acted in "inappropriate" ways. I've acted in ways that people with a bullshit book about body language (books that like say "x thing" is a sign of lying, Like avoiding eye contact. Books that are like that usually arent realistic at all with how life is. Especially with neruodivergent and i'd even say how Traumatized people work. People who claim to be able to read "body language" or whatever to know if someone is guilty or not guilty of lying or whatever are usually assholes.) would say that Im lying. What I mean is like. Its normal to avoid eye contact for example, or to laugh or smile when talking about abuse. Maybe i dont make sense right now.

Also, Mutual abuse is not a thing even if its not called mutual abuse. Whatever term it can go by, it doesnt exist. It literally is impossible to exist for two parties to abuse each other. end of story.

I just. the world hates people who were abused, even if people claim they dont. and i hate that. I feel so hopeless. I hate feeling so unsafe right now, even more unsafe because of the results of this damn trial.

Other things have been going on and im writing about them in my private journal. I just wanna get my opinion of the depp vs heard shit out there, if that makes sense.

I'll change no ones opinon and thats fine. im just disgusted. This trial is one that will last forever, its now a cultural thing. My parents for example use the name amber heard constantly as a way to make fun of people. I defended her even when I didnt know shit because my parents were abusers who supported depp. Abusers tend to support their own kind and stuff that benefits them.

...Anyways..

I thought about Bone last night. I think one of the last times me and bone talked i asked what my first ex said to them. My ex threatened them and I wanted to know what exactly they told them. Bone never responded. Maybe it was my bad for stirring old memories up but. I dont know why i was so determined to know. I know it was a death threat for talking to me. I was just trying to comfort my ex that night because shit went south and i made it worse. I gave them bones username. I was so scared. I was a coward.

The night my first ex contacted bones. I wonder why i maybe traumatized by such a moment. I dont think i was the best of a person back then. I was so depressed and stuck. I've learnt from mistakes. and maybe my first ex was a good thing for me. My first ex destoryed me with no trace. Basically killed me. and Bones let that happen. I should be happy that they did but im still. Stuck in that moment of hurt like i am with traumatizing experiences. It was only hurtful retorpsectively.

I probably shouldnt talk about all that shit. Its all in the past and idk why im stirring in it again, thinking about that again.

I've been reading alot. Thinking alot. writing alot.

I should stream today. Im supposed to. I woke up when i was supposed to start streaming though. I had a dream relating to streaming

It would be fun to switch between tons of games live. Minecraft, solitare, maybe some indie games on itch.io. Like that one visual novel about c!Wilbur. Or maybe that game based on doomsday (dream smp lore thing). or maybe one of the other endless games i wanted to play. One i was gonna make a video out of hit too close to the sun so to speak. No one says that but. It reminded me of my first ex. It was kinda painful with the trauma it brought up.

I dont really know what else to write about now. So i guess this means that this blog post is done. I dont really know whats been happening in my life honestly. Feels like nothing yet everything. I guess whats why I probably should read back whats been going on lately.

I've been really into the streamer socpens lately. I've been watching his streams alot lol. I've been reading and writing and. I dont know what im doing. everythings been constantly lost to me. I think i might attach my youtube to twitch so i can just automatically export vods to youtube as soon as the stream ends. It'll be so easier.

I say easier because I have a hard time keeping up with vods. its one of the shitty things about this hobby of mine. I always return to video making I noitced. Winnie Lim wrote a blog post about "...a phrase 初心, which is loosely translated as “original heart”, and it means one’s original intentions, the core of who we are." - a quote from her post. The phrase is chinese in origin. I was reading it last night and i was thinking about it. I think what I wrote in my private journal kinda summarizes my thoughts better:

"For me i've always returned to writing and creating videos, no matter what i do or where i go i always return to that dream i dreamt up when i was a kid, what i wanted. I love creating things. That is my core. I have walked back to it purely by chance..."

Winnie wrote this "Once again I am realising how important it is for me to put my thoughts and memories down in record, and also designing mechanisms in place to review them periodically..." and I think its important for me to to start review my memories and thoughts. I jot them down but I never return to them, or I very rarely do. I have many things I want to do in regards to different areas but when i was a kid I had a very specific and very clear moment that I think set me down on the path to create videos among other things. I love creating so much, i like to tell stories and to create things. Bring things into existence.

Maybe that makes sense. Idk.

I found a home within streaming quite recently but its also very fun. I think im starting to lack in the video editing department. Or maybe im too hard on myself. When i was younger i made (maybe shitty now) various pieces of art in video. It was a constant. Just like how i've been constantly reading or constantly trying to find new and interesting sites, i was always in movie maker. It was just were i was alot. and now I've rarely been their.

Maybe even though i've been near my original heart I havent really returned to it. Before my middle school I made something on my old channel that was a smash hit. Something I loved and thought was successful even though literally no one got the story or what the peice of content was. Its just a number, i know, but sometimes I wonder if my hobby was damaged by what happened in middle school. I can neved be who i was before. but maybe that was a good thing? Maybe im romanticzing the past.

I've been experimental with some parts of my content. I've been trying various layouts in essays and webshrines im making, I've been experimenting with what I've been reading, I've been experimental with my art and thumbnails for my videos. Content seems very capitalistic and one could argue experimental ist a wrong word to use for what I mean. But i like to describe it as content not in a modern influencer way but thats what it is. Things that are created are content and it sounds less pretensious then art. and maybe my mind is just being weird about using the word experimental. I've been going outside my box i guess. I dont know.

I think I've been steeming to much in my own thoughts for the past few hours. I think im gonna do something funner now than trying to grab at things to write for what feels like an unfinished entry for some reason. I have alot to say but my laptops a bit hot, I wanna do a new thumbnail idea (that might be very stupid), and i wanna play more smash. Do my other hobbies basically.

Journaling prompt: Thoughts on this entry, thoughts on your hobbies and/or what you do everyday, or whatever you want to write about.

6/6/2022

I write almost everyday. I somehow stumbled apon https://100daystooffload.com/ and I want to write everyday. Even though my blog is all one page and not various "articles" I want to try to at least do 100 days of writing everyday in here publically. I dont really know why I want to though. I write everyday in my private journal and I'd still be creating more. I already have so much to review in my journals already. Why would i want to create more?

So yesturday and last night were interesting. Im feeling numb again today and last night i felt numb after a breakdown. Last night I felt like i was gonna die and that my life was ruined because I liked things. I saw a post on tumblr making fun of something I like and i guess other shit was wrong with me because i just collapsed metaphorically.

I dont know why that one little thing made me feel like i was gonna die, and that everyone will hate me and everything i create. I already said i guessed that other shit was wrong with me but i dont know anyways. I eventually just became numb and i cut after so long of resisting cutting. Oh well. Then I felt okay and actually chatted to some people! Yesturday my parents triggered me in regards to my trauma around an eating disorder that i had at the beginning of 2020, the converstaion eventually went better but it sucked. Today My parents defended disordered eating and said that eating disorders and eating disorder like behvaiours were a good thing.

A friend apparently was broken up with. a friend i was worried that hated me because they didnt respond to me for a few days after i had an episode. It was just a conicdince. Looking back one of my weird brain things mustve gotten triggered again. I refuse to put images in this blog but heres a link to an image i found on tumblr that I related to when they werent messaging me: https://imgbox.com/ZselAFKv

Its probably bad of me to assume that late responses and less messages/no messages and weird tone means that a person hates me or that they are abandoning me because im abusive scum and i didnt realize it and that i became a monster and blah blah blah blah. also i just realized i cut sometime a few days ago aswell, i got triggered by fireworks and stuff that reminded me of my ex and sent me into a bad emotional state. so I guess i havent been as clean as i thought.

I just deleted a bit of what i wrote because it triggered my dissocation a bit and it was a bad idea to write about. anyways.

I felt romantic attraction today. Im aroflux which means im basically a mess that sometimes feels romantic attraction and sometimes cant and im an arospec mess haha. It was for a fictional character and it was very very surprising because i didnt find him uhm. romantically attractive?? I guess??? I dont know words for that sorta thing. But it was very interesting to suddenly have an intense crush for a character and/or a ship that invovles the character.

I downloaded sims medieval, im gonna play it sometimes soon. I used to play that along with the sims 3 alot when i was a kid.

I also watched a video about a minecraft arg last night and i saw an image that i saw in a dream before, or at least an image similar to something i saw in a dream before. So thats interesting.

I was also reading things and archiving them last night. So that was pog.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I've been looking at fanart for a half life machinima called "freemans mind". I havent watched it but i like looking at fanart.

i am a bit wacky right now because i looked through messages with ks because i wanted to describe something here but i figured it was easy to copy what i wrote to them to describe a thing back in late 2021.

KS called it psychosis. I hallucinate things alot but they arent that bad i think. I also suffer from paranoia. They called that psychosis but they also called another things psychosis. I think i hallucinated and had paranoia before my ex but the second "psychosis" that is one of the thingsi could be reffering to when i say "episodes" is the one started by my first ex.

I have DID and sometimes it feels like im watching my body/not in control. The episodes felt like i wasnt in control either, but no other alter or part or whatever you want to call them was either. I was fueled and controlled by emotions only. I, in fact, couldnt control myself or my actions. I lived everyday life and did things sure but i'd say now it was the episode in control more than me. It takes over my reasoning and makes everything cloudy in my brain?? It made this weird way to interpret the world that was so odd and hard do describe other than weird barriers i guess? It made my entire world cloudy and weird and bendy and like their was a thick layer over everything and i wasnt me, no one was. My reasoning was so fucked up i think and i wasnt in control. I wanna say delusions were in control or my delusions were severely worsened. I believed at one point my first ex was replaced by someone and i didnt realize it. My first ex was a very possessive person and wouldve gotten upset that i was dating someone else. It built up over time and after reading a transcript of a tma episode, https://snarp.github.io/magnus_archives_transcripts/episode/003.html (this one i think. Im not gonna read it to check because i dont wanna cause an episode or flashback or something) and something fucked up with wire that night and that just. set me off. and it was the reason why me and my ex broke up because i accused him of being an imposter. i will admit i did that before because i believed he was someone else before. i was too broken for him then. He didnt want to s3xually abuse me anymore because he broke me. I was a mess the night we broke up. Im not sure if that description of it makes sense. Its hard to describe those episodes. That first episode was months and lasted a long time. It "broke" eventally and the episode ended. idk when. I still have delusions and hallucinations and shit but its not that episode.

Another episode type is emotion controlled and another "i cant control my actions or stop help." type one. I honestly dont really have a grip on what it is unlike the other one where i can describe it and have an accurate description. This one is really emotion fueled. I remember during this one i do alot of "Cries for help" and/or "cries for attention". I honestly dont know how to describe it as i have a bad memory but theirs self hatred and trying depserately to keep things in and acting weird before eventually just metaphorically spilling something and releasing it like a damn and i just follow this pattern alot. I dont know what it is or if i even described it right as i dont remeber but i usually realize that im doing it again and swear to myself i wont do it again and make a bunch of rules i dont follow.

I dont know if i explained them/explained them right. I also dont know if those are. Bad. Like if people will hate me forever for them? Someone not being in control could translate in some peoples minds as im a danger to others sometimes when im not. Im just mentally ill with weird brain shits i cant describe and i dont have the language for At All. I also have movements that I cant control. Mom told me last night that "no one in the world does that but you so stop it." and that was so hurtful to hear but it also replicates my feelings on it. I cant stop it i cant control it and im ashamed of them. I dont want to explain to people and i dont want to try to film myself to be able to just show others what i mean because its different on the outside than it is on the inside and it sucks but i cant stop and no one believes me. I lose so much. I'd just love to hear "I believe you, what the movements are are (x things here) and they can be stopped by doing (y thing) your not alone." I'd love to hear that other people do this, i'd love to someone to believe me because i cant control it and my parents constantly make fun and yell at me and hurt me over it and i just want someone who does the opposite of that because its soul crushing to have something have a major impact on your every single fucking day life and everyone around you physically hurts you for it and no one knows digitally and those who do i feel like dont understand what i mean and i feel like theyd never undertand.

It upsets me alot.

I feel like my life is in the control of KS and Peaceful. They abused me and i want some things that happened to be secret because once again i feel like a bad horrible person no matter what and it fucking haunts me. Me and them know. no one else. and im afraid to give anyone else that power over me but at the same time. They lie. They can twist the truth and ill have no one in my corner.

Im talking about it again, a delima i was also talking about two months ago. I want to talk about things they did, spill the beans. But im worried about losing people. I cant fucking keep silent anymore though. Im so so fucking worried about how it would result. I should rip the bandaid off though, that metaphor applies right?

the song Vibrant Eyes by CG5 is now once again so insanely relatable. These things will just bother me for the rest of my life. Talking about what happened to you is the first step of healing (or one of them. Its been moved around in various things ive read and seen) but. im still so scared.

Some lyrics from the song that I kinda relate to:

"Don't tell them what you've done, tell them what you've done (Tell them what you've done)", "Scared of the memories that (Oh-oh)/Make me insane (Someone help me)". I could write about the whole song but im not going to. I love applying songs to things and writing about the connections between stories and music and analyzing stuff but this i real life and im afraid i'll spill too much.

I want to email someone all of it. So. So bad. But im afraid of that. Im afraid of the bias that they might have towards me because the person would obviously know me and. Im worried about what tould happen if i was a bad guy for things that happened. Im worried about how i would potentally break and spiral and. and i've gotta tell someone but at the same time i dont want to tell people because im also afraid of the bad possibilities and i dont want someone to potentially be afraid to say "no your the bad one you should feel guilty" whatever because they know i'll be destoryed by that but getting destroyed is worth it because i cant just not know anymore.

I cant say it publically. I dont know how to tell anyone about the stuff thats happened and yet i have to i want to but its more have to. I feel like im close to everything burst. Somethings gotta give. Its gotta give very soon. I gotta let go. Just like with my first ex i thought i was the bad guy. With my first ex i didnt know what cocsa was (child on child sexual abuse) and finding the term via tumblr really. put me into a state. it helped me figure out that my first ex sexually abused me even though they are under 18 like me. Or sopossedly. I have my doubts because of one things but. im not going over that for now.

Back to ks and peaceful. G-d. I dont know what to do but i want to let it out. I want to let this shit out of my mind and into someone else besides my mind.

...On half related news Ranboo fansongs are accidentally very relatable.

I dont know what else to write. I could write more about ks and peaceful but im already not doing good emotionally and i dont wanna make that worse.

Journaling prompts: What haunts you? Whats one thing you think will create your doom? Thoughts on this journal entry? Thoughts on the stuff with ks and peaceful?

6/7/2022

I had a good day so far. I've been going to bed at like 4 am and waking up at 3-4 pm everyday. I've only been up for a few hours and I've played sims mid for all of them. It was so fun I made a hlvrv themed kingdom. I also had a really really good dinner it looked beautiful and it was a really really good meal

Last night after I wrote that last blog me and dad went outside and went to an area i havent gone to before. I was so tired and shit when i came back but it was so fun seeing new things and stuff! It made dad feel better about the idea of letting me outside without being limited to my dad and very rarely. Dads been getting injured alot lately and i suspect thats why I've been allowed out with him rarely these past few months but. Its looking hopeful!

I have a bit of a headache right now lol.

My birthday is in a few days. I dont like that. Its on June 10th. Im going to be 17 years old.

I would write about my little crisis around my brithday and how i want time to just stop. but im not really in the mood to write right now after playing for hours. Im in a different mindset than i am everyday. Its nice? I think? But i dont want to grow up. Gifts would be exciting sure but its my last year as a child/teenager. It would start my year of attempting to make up for all of my childhood being shitty in one year and also i have to really really try to set up my escape from my parents because when im 18 i just wanna be gone.

...Honestly I've always doubted that I'd live until 18 all my life. I'd always assume that i'd die before then. and I'm getting closer and closer to that age every day. So I dont wanna turn 17. But I have no real say in the matter.

6/8/2022

Its 2:28 am so it still feels like 6/7 to me. Im so scared of my future. I need things to change but at the same time maybe i dont want them to. Its just existing moment after moment and i feel like im doing nothing with it i dont even know what im doing anymore. I dont want the future i dont want to face the facts. It doesnt feel real. It all doesnt feel real and i dont want it to be real yet. I dont want it to be real and i dont want to accept it. My parents abusing me doesnt feel real just like how i am not real. Theseus B. Fall is me and im just something that barely exists, a person im just trying to chase in endless rooms. Something i can never find but im not sure if thats because i refuse to look at metaphorical mirrors. I relate to fiction more than real life. Im more fiction than real life im just things i consume i feel like im nothing. im nothing.

Maybe being fiction and fueled by everything you consumed is how we are supposed to be as humans, fueled by outsiders brushing our souls with this imparted on us but. whatever.

I just dont want to turn 17. I dont want to be an adult soon. I dont want to say goodbye. I know they tried to kill me i know they sexually abused me i know they gaslight me and abuse me almost every other fucking day i know its bad and horrible and i know i should leave i want to leave i want to leave so bad but it all feels so fake nothing is real for me. at all. i dont even know what a 100 precent real thing is. i know things can be real-fiction. things can be real but have a layer of fiction. Like yes they abused me, theseus b. fall. But that me looks different. and is actually (include details from daydreams here). I always apply a layer of dissocation to everything but i have to break that. but its so intertwined with everything im not sure i can.

IM just so scared. im so scared im so scared im so scared.

Everyday goes on and their is nothing i can do about it. theres nothing i can do about anything. I have no control. I have no money besides a few dollars and some pennies. The fucking cashapp i made at the start of this year i thought i could get money in by streaming or whatever i have nothing. The thing i thought would give me hope, progress, something to rely on, something to help me, has nothing. I dont wanna cut anymore because i hate these scars and wounds they didnt care and i thought i would be dead by now but if im gonna live and have a future i dont want these scars.

Im gonna live. thats so scary. i wont suddenly drop dead. I doubt my parents will try to murder me again but then again i've doubted my dad would sexually abuse me again and yet he did it again in october and december and god this is all so fucked. im crying i dont wanna leave them. I wanna know my parents lives i wanna be friends with them i want them to stop abusing me theirs people under those abusers i know i want them back. i want my dad. the one who i was best friends with (or at least he told me that when i was younger) the one that was the only one i could trust because he said mom was bad and tried to drive me away from her constantly i miss the man i played battlefield with and the man who taught me computer stuff and world of warcraft and showed me south park at two years old even though mom hated it and didnt want me to wash the show. I miss my dad. I've grown dillusioned and i hate it. I dont want to know. I dont want these experiences. I wish i didnt realize how fucked up it is. I wanted to live my life thinking that watching porn with dad that one time was normal, that it was all normal and okay. I wish i could get the person in my head who insists he raped me to shut up because my dad loves me! He did things with me other than walking once upon a time! long ago he actually cared and didnt neglect me. Even though he also gave me brusies he was nicer he was okay.

I dont want to go. I dont want to leave. but i should leave. they abused me.

they are abusing me.

and im crying and tryign my best to muffle myself because he's sleeping in the same room that im sitting in.

I want to go but i dont want to leave them im scared to leave them they are all i've known. yet 17 will mark the beginning of the end. Im gonna run when i turn 18 in almost a year i know that but im so scared. They are almost up all hours of a day. moms awake and dads awake at almost different times of the day. the are awake at the same time alot but mom wakes up early and goes to be early and dad goes to be late and wakes up late. its almost 3 am and hes going to bed. mom will wake up at 4 am. Dad would wake up if i walked out the door and i doubt the way things are will change by the time june 2023 hits. but yet things change all the time yet nothings changed.

Im having a breakdown i think. I dont want the future. Theres nothing there. At least in this hell i know what everydays like the PAST WHO KNOW HOW MANY YEARS HAVE JUST BLENDED INTO MOMENTS. I'VE LIVED LOCKED IN THIS CAGE FOR YEARS. AND I WANT TO LEAVE BUT IM SO SCARED.

and 17 is supposed to be the year where i transform everything and make everything perfect for escape and make my life so happy and perfect despite the abuse and. fuck.

Im so scared because what if nothing changes. I dont know what will happen. I havent live in the real world for years. because my dad did this to me and im crying because im still that little tiny baby. im almost 17 yet im a baby crying for its parents but not the parents i have. i want a new set of parents and i want it bad and i've always hoped theyd just come to me and take me away from here but im starting to doubt that will ever happen and thats scary because if i just hope enough i wont wake up here i'd be in a car with a caring adult telling me how im away from the bad people now and im with people who are my real family (not by blood but by compainonship. Found family) and that ill be okay. but that might not be real i cant try to brute force that but i want to. i think about it all the time. and maybe thats the problem.

I want comfort right now. someone to tell me its okay. that im okay. Im so stuck. Im so stuck and i've been shouting help me to nothing. Nothings come to save me. no ones coming to save me and i cant breathe

no ones coming to save me.

im trying to force myself to be okay and to message people in an okay way and to be okay and i think its working but im gonna vomit and im crying. thank g-d for spellcheck i guess.

No matter how much i beg and hope and pray he isnt coming to save me huh? no one is.

I mean. I can try more. Theres this book i got thats supposed to make all your dreams come true and it works and maybe it'll make him or someone, anyone, just take me away. I want to be taken away from this place, alive.

I dont wanna save myself. all my past abusers left me i. I dont have the guts to save myself. its too scary. im a coward.

I just want my parents. but i dont want who they are. i just wanna be a little kid. I want to be a little kid whos okay.

i dont want this life i have anymore. I havent wanted it in a long time. and yet im stuck. im apparently supposed to have autonomy and control and i should theorietically be able to stand up to my parents and i should be able to change things yet im helpless. im hopeless. and i feel like everythins gonna fade soon i feel like im gonna have my dead end soon. I never thought i'd suvive at 18 even when i was a young young kid and its coming close. 17 feels like my last year and its so scared im so scared.

Im so fucking terrified. I dont wanna go i dont wanna die. Leaving means death i think to me i. I havent imagined a career or a future or anything i want.

i mean. the other day i saw some apartments and hoped i could live with my best friends in one of em. Even though my parents are a walk away. too close.

but. that isnt real. doesnt feel real. i know nothing besides this hellshit. its all just like a black void please just. i dont know. i need something and i dont know what it is so im having a public breakdown in this space because i'd feel worse if i talked about it to a friend because im a self hating fuck sometimes and that'd just make me worse. its a miracle im not waking up my dad with these emotions. He claims he can read minds and emotions.

if he does i have no power. lless power than i thought. if he does then hes toying with me. if he can read minds their is no hope for me because he'll know evey move i want to make he knows everything im not safe.

and he knows im too much of a coward to pull a certain idea of. at the end of the song hansel the main character, which is hansel, of the song commits suicide. People finally care about the main character in death. They neglected him in life and loved him in death. I could make them see what theyve done. I could have them face it. Finally cry for me. take what little money we have in funeral costs. but its pointless. im a failure and a coward.

i failed so many times before and i dont wanna die.

...whatever. i could write more. but its almost time to sleep. and its fucking me up writing this. I had to mask all my emotions with zero prep time because mom just came out here. she didnt notice. shes even up at three. all 24 hours of the day are somehow covered by them. i can never escape them.

its not like i can escape at 17. i know why im so worried about this but. it sounds like im prepping to escape in like two days or whatever. im not. i cant. ill just be dragged right back.

yknow an old neighbour told me not to run away. it'd cause problems.

Goodnight readers. Im gonna try to calm down this storm and this headache im gonna get soon from crying before i struggle to sleep in bed for like an hour or (probably) less. It feels like things have settled but. not in a good way i think. i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont fucking know whats happening right fucking now.

This is also starting to remind me of a dream i had last night where i wrote a post. I forgot what the post was, only what some people said to me about it afterwards. I dont think i was blogging at three am but i dont like that i might be dreaming about events that would happen in only hours. i've dreamt alot of things while ago that happened recently. maybe its just the paranoia speaking but it makes me afraid im going to die. maybe dreams (like the sleep kind) coming true during the day arent so bad but still. im a paranid motherfucker.

...for a journal prompt write about this and my last entry or whatever you want i dont have suggestions at this time and i forgot to put one for my last entry.

6/9/2022

Today was a good day, I think. My parents left the apartment for a bit! After i made my goals list on here. I went to my room immediately and i streamed solitare! Its my solitare slowrun I've wanted to do for awhile. Its a nice close to a chapter. Speedrun.coms support says they dont acccept slowruns but they've accepted some before i saw a whole video! So I might submit it to speedrun.com. If they dont accept my run after i submit it im gonna make my own slowrun site? Like maybe add a page of slowrun leaderboards. I think it would be funny directly on speedrun.com though the slowest is like. 10 minutes and here I am with a one hour and one minute run!

I'll do something with the run thats for sure. Three people showed up (two may have been me but SHUSH). I also had a bonus stream because my parents didnt allow me in the living room at first because they were ordering me pizza for an early start to my birthday celebration! I started to make a sims medieval solitare themed world. It was very fun and that world WILL be my next stream.

My parents thought i was hiding in my room because i was scared. I was so happy they left. I want them to leave more, and for longer. I can voice chat with people and do so much if im left on my own.

What else? I added some sites to my rss reader. Well, one I guess but yesturday or something i added actual sites to it instead of letting it sit and rot LOL.

Today I learned their is a disorder called "Delayed sleep phase" in which you go to sleep later than the normal time and wake up later than "normal". So many peoples sleeping patterns are actually a disorder.

I feel kinda better about my birthday i think. I dont really feel like. anything but im better than I have been. I hate the way I've been lately but its whatever lol. I had a good convo with someone last night. It felt like a real bonding moment.

Im going to respond to some of misswannabe's prompts for me. I dont really have any thoughts on the entry I am a bit burnt on reading though I think my brain isnt really forming any opinons. Im doing okay these days, i mean the fact that i feel like I've fallen in a hole that I cant get out of and I feel like i've reached a dead end and that im covered in muck and everything sucks and its just. gah. but other than all of that life stuff im fine.

Im half watching "[Dream SMP] inconsolable Differences" (Wilbur Soot lore) while writing this. Idk why ive procrastated I mean its wilbur! But i do have a habit of not finishing things I like ever and Wilburs lore apparently is supposed to wrap up soon. I guess im just trying to do my own way of stopping it from ever ending.

I dont have exams, I finished school awhile ago. What we did in school was have various classes that i learned stuff in and I had segment tests at the end of each segment. I have requirements to graduate. Theirs standardized testing which my parents havent taken me too. Im supposed to take the standarized tests that cover everything in the non elective classes i think so: Reading, Writing, Science, all of that. The only way I can graduate now is if i take the ACT or the SAT because that apparently makes up for all of the tests i've missed.

Which is why getting an id is so important, I need a photo id to take those tests and I need it to possibly take some classes in my senior year! If i dont get my Id I am fucked basically and my parents have that power to not allow me to get it.

University/College. Well you have to graduate I think and also take either the ACT or the SAT (so taking them this year will kill two birds with one stone: I can graduate and I can go to college.) and you pay money to submit applications and you might get in. I think. I know kinda how all that shit works from MAYBE some classes but idk if i ever got classes and from internet/culture/hearing things.

So thats that prompt done.

So on my goals in the knowledge section. "Create another site (not on neocities for space reasons) to upload my videos too so people can watch them with additonal stuff on that site and then upload it to youtube." is a goal i wanna write about. I love this place, its great for the site that I have and Im so happy with my site so far and I wanna continue it but I also want another site. I think this idea was inspired by the idea of "POSSE", POSSE is defined as "Publish (on your) Own Site, Syndicate Elsewhere" and I think wanting to have all my videos on a site and then published onto youtube is based in a bit of a crisis I've been having about the idea of owning my own content. Do i still own my own content if i just publish it on youtube? I mean youtube can decide one day that it owns my videos. When I own my own videos, their my own creations after all.

Although I dont really know how to start about that whole process. I cant upload them on here, a vod is on average one gig, I can embed them from something like google drive or mega possibly but that would defeat the point that I would try to make and my goals of essentially doing "POSSE" with my videos that I create.

Github pages is a thing but I dont know shit about it and their is this useful guide i found today somehow but im a poor queer teenager with no money at all let alone the "pocket change" for a domain and a vps. a .monster domain is a dollar and 99 cents right now but I dont even have the money for that??? I have some dollars in my purse but I cant transfer that to online money. I have a cashapp. i dont have an ID to even get a bank and paypal (mom promised she would get me a bank account and paypal though.) and even then where would i get the money? I am. locked in my home unable to get a job because I dont have an ID and mom says I need an ID and bank account for a job. Someone could buy it for me but then its theirs not mine. Github pages might not work for what I want but I guess Ill look into it more.

Another area I dont know where to start is with modding sims medieval. I cant find out how to start modding it anywhere. Its shares similarites with sims 3 but mods for sims 3 are incompaitble with sims medieval. I dont know shit about making mods and the few mods I found are "custom content" which are essentially new hairs and clothing. The game does need more of that tbh but like? I wanna add more quests and really do game changing mods. I also wanna add more customization but I wanna start with the game changers first. I dont even know how to code tbh and I cant really find a place to start. Find out what language its coded in and learn that I guess??

I messaged one of my best friends about the site idea to try and really iron it out a bit and get opinons on it and shit.

I dont really know what else to write about other than. How can you really own your data? How far do you have to go to it be considered yours? Well something still be yours if its backed up on the cloud? is it tainted as soon as it hits the internet? Is any of my internet life up until this point mine or just the properties of the sites i've been on? Is my private journal mine or discords journal? I dont know. I've been thinking about this. I guess it all goes down to semantics and definitions and all of that. My entire life has been on the internet. I've been on computers and the internet since i was two years old and its my only real contact to the outside world. So this is kinda a question that is less about what i create (although my creations are a big part of me) and is more of is my every breathing waking moment "mine"?

I was talking with a friend while writing this blog and i am going to start the other site for my videos! the goal i set before of "Create another site (not on neocities for space reasons) to upload my videos too so people can watch them with additonal stuff on that site and then upload it to youtube." can actually be started now! So thats pog!

I dont know what else to write tbh.

Prompts: goals you have? thoughts on this entry? idk what other prompts to pull from this lol.

6/10/2022

today was a good day i'd say. at like 3-4 am today i watched "The Bad Guys" and it was the best movie it was so worth it. I woke up later today at lie. 2:22 pm. and I joined philzas chaos mod stream! It was very fun causing chaos. I also recieved art for my birthday that I adore! Thank you Preresent! I also got art from someone else and that was also lovely!

I had an awesome dinner and awesome cake and desert! Dad accidentally shattered something and got glass in the mac and cheese he made but that was okay dinner and stuff was already extremely filling the mac wouldve been too much lol. Dad was kinda upset today and self loathing because Candian Woman (who is a whole story i dont think i've talked about yet) said horrible shit to him so he got angry when he got glass in the food.

I did have a nightmare last night or multiple nightmares that i forgot about but they were brightly colored and i got beat the fuck up in the nightmare.

My parents got me clothes, dnd dice, the "dragons: dawn of new riders" switch game, a wallet, and the half life collection! we're gonna get stardew valley and something from the bookstore later this month/week.

I am obbsessed with the dice and I am so hyped about half life i wanted it so badly. Im gonna stream it because i wanna archive my first experience actually playing it lol.

I had a pain spike earlier and that got me upset and caused a bit of a scuffle but that was fine!

Mom talked to me just now about the future. she sees "cogs turning in my head" and said that i'll always have a place here, that i dont have to leave when i turn 18 and stuff like that and we also talked about money and me wanting a paypal. Nothing bad! I told her that i wanted to make articles and get paid for them. in reality i want it for donations, i can set donos for twitch up witn stream elements and stream elements offers sponsors.

Mom also talked about what i was doing when they left me on my own and i talked about playing solitare, not the fact that i streamed the slowrun but the fact that i did a slowrun. We talked about me being alone in general and talked about trying to get me alone more and getting me to go out and all of that. Mom said i wasnt allowed to take self defense because i hurt her in defending myself. I wasnt allowed because she didnt wanna give me power or whatever.

me and mom also talked about me possibly getting a paypal some more. I might not have the writing be a ruse but a legit thing I do because i could make money via poetry and shit. Moms surpisingly accepting and suprisingly open to allowing me to make money. she also gave me alot of money with my wallet she gave me. I dont know what shes playing at. Like if shes being genuine or if she wants to trap me using whatever money i make somehow.

..I am not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. I am just gonna roll with it because this will allow me to escape them. The conversation that me and mom actually just had was interesting because like. She knows I wants freedom and shes willing to help me get experience in life and all of that shit.

Mom wants me to stay here when i turn 18 next year though. Shes clear that she doesnt want me to leave right away, she saw herself in me apparently in regards to that because she was thinking "the same thing". I'd say she was thinking about a similar topic at least at my age and that topic would be moving away from the parents. Mom now knows I like poetry btw! She apparently didnt know before. We rarely talk besides. yknow.

I also played in animal crossing and did fun birthday things!

aside from having pains today and dad being extremely self loathing in front of me today was rather awesome. Especially last night i was so happy last night i didnt know why i was so scared ot be 17. I dont know how i feel now though. I dont really. feel. Im just in physical pain.

Earlier i was hoping that all the horrible things would be behind me. my 16th year alive was a year of pain. It was just me under peaceful and ks and it was just so much pain mentally and physically. Horrible things and stuff that i feel guilty about even if i wasnt the one in the wrong happened while i was 16 and younger. so 17 can be a clean slate. a fresh start. I can just leave all of my shit behind me.

idk. Today was interesting.

I honsetly thought mom was never gonna get me my id and all the stuff she promised. So to get my wallet and to get other things i wanted that she disliked (dnd dice and half life) was. interesting. I love my dice because dice is pretty and I can finally properly play some solo rpgs that I got online for free! Like a solo journaling rpg that I was playing before I stopped for a bit because using an onlie dice roller felt..off. to me.

One interesitng fact about me is i have what i like to call flashes. they are usually a few seconds and they take over my vision with color and things. Idk what they are but they dont really bother me. Their familiar and they have happened all through out my life i think maybe. I also sometimes think my skull/head is bleeding. I was very common when i was younger, i felt phantom bleeding wayy to often. Whenever it happens now im a bit nostolgic because its so rare nowadays.

Although sometimes stuff thats happened all my life isnt good, like my pains. I have pain every fucking day ever since i was little and i was refused any sort of help with it like other things i begged for help for.

Anyways, I dont think i have really anything else to say.

I dont want today to end but. I guess it has to eventually. its 10 pm and im in pain and dehydrated and just emotionally nothing so like. yeah. I miss that happy feeling from earlier but im sure ill get it back eventually.

Im finally gonna play half life. I've been wanting to play it for awhile now so its so exciting! Im gonna play it tommrow maybe. not tonight. My energy is too low and my pain is too bad.

Journaling prompts: thoughts on this entry? thoughts on birthdays?

6/13/2022

I am listening to the acoustic version of "Wolf In Sheeps Clothing" by set it off for this entry. (edit i switched to the song "how far we've come" sometime during the enry right before talking about DID stuff.)

I gotta be honest idk what happened these past few days after my birthday. Its all a blur. I streamed half life one and that was apparently very fun. I had a good time. I sometimes debate if another part/alter takes over while i stream sometimes because of my blurry memory with streams. Probably not, its probably just other memory issues.

Some alters have been more "active" lately. One of the alters blames himself or blamed himself for what happened with ks and its not his fault. Poor guy.

I've felt an odd feeling in my chest since last night. We found a confession site. https://simplyconfess.com/a-pain/480820 its a site where you confess secrets or whatever. Its about, well, "imagine yourself in a room, alone. you take a piece of paper and you start writing your deepest fears, your wildest fantasies, your craziest memories. no one to judge, no one physically there to criticize, just you and your confessions." to quote the about. I read some confessions, I posted the link to one as you can see. Its interesting. I feel like the song Im listening to is fueling this feeling or affecting it somehow. Whatever. I wonder what people think of the confession I linked in particular, there are no comments in the confession page and well. Im very curious about what people think of various confessions. I wanna know what people think when they read various confessions. Its interesting how many confessing sites there are if you look.

...Anyways...

I properly watched a bit of a Wilbur lore stream and holy shit. "[Dream SMP] inconsolable Differences" is the stream. The scene around 25 minutes in made me grin? It surely gave me interesting feelings. Im at the 35 minute mark in regards to how much of the stream i've watched so far. I replayed that one moment where c!Wilbur thinks about killing c!Dream over over again quite a few moments. The anger c!Wilbur feels brings joy.

I spiralled last night. I smelled a smell that made me panic and with that and other things occuring lately i thought i was gonna die. I told mom and i was crying and she and dad when he woke up just yelled me and complained about me being scared about my health and my paranoia and all those other mental symptoms.

mom said to me "nothing bads ever happened to you here" so i shouldnt be scared and that upsets me. Thats a blantant lie. Mom made me feel like i was insane like i was unworthy of living and just. so much. My dad attempting to kill me isnt bad to mom, them hurting me isnt bad according to her, dad touching me and calling me sexy in front of mom isnt bad (granted i knew that. she just laughed while that was happening. She just laughed.), the incident (the incident being sexual abuse) with dad the night of october 24th/morning of october 25th isnt bad according to her. My parents have hurt me so extremely bad here. Its gotten less physical with less wounds over time sure but they still have given me wounds. Dad tried to murder me in that room I sleep in every day. I hid in the closet so scared that day and they were acting like i was insane and being silly for being afraid of them.

Everything they've done to me is "nothing bad" according to mom and like yeah shes one of the ones whos hurt me of course shes gonna say that.

but it still hurts hearing that.

I want something understanding. someone understanding just. I dont want to feel like im unworthy of living and that Im just a burden for things i cant control. I cant control my pain and how it prevents me from doing so much and they just ignored my pleas for help and a doctor over the years i've been complaining that im in pain ever since i was a little kid and they've done nothing for this pain that chronically haunts me. They neglect and abuse me. My dad has schzophernia yet hes a bigoted ablest fuck. Mom said me hallucnating was "scary". Like scary as in i am a danger scary when its not. Im not a bad person for hallucinating and having delusions and having alters and having so many things. My parents admitted i was "adhd or autustic" but they act like im neruotypical all the time. They know about an alter of mine they know im plural and they know they caused that. They know I am not normal yet they try to act like I am and force me to be normal. Im not that covert? overt? whatever about my things im not that obvious but it still shows. It still shows that i struggle and that I suffer from paranoia (they clearly know that its not sublte) and they just know. they know everything.

They havent mentioned the alter in awhile, jade is her name. I remember them saying "jade got you in alot of trouble as a kid." because shes existed with me in my brain since i was very very young. too young. She wasnt getting me in trouble for malicous reasons like they implied. She was angry and she wanted to protect me. She hasnt been around in awhile, shes dormant I think. I also hated her like my parents hate her. She was angry because she viewed my parents as a source of danger to us and just acted accordingly. She wasnt bad.

My parents hated that we were angry and told us to control it. like telling a child who isnt even 10 yet to act mature its literally going to do anything. its something i heard since i was like a toddler to a few years ago, maybe more recently aswell but i dont know.

I feel like jade going dormant fucked everything up. I dont blame her for retreating in the corner of headspace or wherever she is in my brain. She disappeared around the time of our first ex. I thought it was her at first who stood up to our first ex because all the conversations where me and my ex argued just felt like her. But they were another alter, an alter that formed specifically to be a maybe milder version of jade (Tak is her name) and protect me from our first ex. Some reasons there are for Dormancy, quoting something i read that I have this quote from: "There are many reasons an alter might go dormant, but some common ones are that they felt overwhelmed, they simply needed a break from their responsibilities in the system, they felt as though they weren’t needed in the system at the time, and others felt like they were harming the system."

I've been more submissive in recent years. We've all been. We stopped having our backbone someone to fucking stand up to others even if they were shunned and treated like they were harming the system. I say they but i'm talkng about Jade. We split alot in 2021. I noticed that I've been splitting people I thought would protect me, older figures who protect. So many alters who just try to fit the role of protection but just get overwhelmed or something and disappear, stop fronting or stop writing in a journal and just stop every method of communication. Those type of alters and traumaholders I think have been common. I dont talk about having Dissocative Identity Disorder often but jade doesnt feel like apart of that.

she is though. Probably. I came up with so many explanations for her. She was there, in the first world i went to when I died. One night when i was transported to that world she talked with me and warned me of something. I forgot what she said. I'd love to hear that warning again, to know what she said. She looked like a fictional character I think didnt exist yet (maybe thats me being fucky with time.) she was a recolor of that before becoming her own person. A complete mysterious shadow. I stopped going to that world. it just vanished one day. I made an animatic about it, that was my first animatic ever.

I dont know why im talking about her. this writing just naturally led to her. Shes a big apart of my life she affected and warrped my life. She did do some harmful things and fed some delusions.

...Im gonna stop talking about that system shit for now even though i want to it just. feels a bit rude. We were the first two to really exist? I remember their being a bunch of people in my mind when I was so young but I dont know where they went. Like im talking from very very young toddler. I was chosen to be the leader or i just became the leader. the main one who lives life. I'll talk about that experience some other time and what I remember when i was so so young. I surprsingly remember more than the nomral person apparently.

I was writing an article about journaling I havent posted yet and messing with div in that article yesturday. A friend explained div to us some days ago I dont remember.

I've been in alot of pain these past few days. very high pain days.

I dont know what else to write idk whats been going on in my life. I've apparently been writing shit thats cool. I've been reading shit.

Journaling prompt: Something you want to confess to? Thoughts on this entry? Thoughts on confessions from that one website I talked about?

6/15/2022

Its 12 am, its in the middle of the day (I think I dont know) for me because of my disaster sleeping schedule. Todays interesting. Last night I wrote chapter ten of 50 weeks. I dont know how I feel about it, but I think I mightve needed it? Or something? Its just there. I didnt have the usual "magic" so to speak while writing but. its fine. it is what it is.

Im running from something. I know I am. I dont want to confess it or face it. if I dont face it it isnt there. If i dont face it then I am not going to cry or vomit or whatever.

I have around 12 dollars in my wallet. Thats something. I have nothing in my cashapp. I dont know what I'd use the money for but money makes the world exist, we designed our world to just run on worthless numbers and have those numbers mean everything. In an ideal society we won't need any type of currency. In an ideal society we wouldnt have any government or laws and there will be all of this bullshit that makes everything good that I wont fucking go into because im tired of thinking of how the world would ideally be anarchist and what that would look like. Im busy trying to survive here. But at the same time it affects my life everyday i guess. I got really into anarchism and all of that shit around when me and my first ex where together or maybe a bit before.

I dont know why. Maybe the whole thing just fansicnated me. I've always distrusted the government and all of that bullshit, I knew this shit sucked since i was little. So why not just destory it all and then figure it out from their, build a community and help each other and abolish money and everything that ruins the world. Everyday I live outside the authority affecting my life. I disobey the rules my parents create and alter based on how their feeling every single day, I break their "law" to exist. and I just try my best online here away from those who rule over me. I try my best to make people happy and help and just have everything be okay and. idk.

I dont really care about authority, I care about peoples power over me. I care about that power and I try to find how to get what I want. What I want is freedom and good I guess. I want freedom away from my parents but thats complicated and i just want. good. I want so much. I dont really care about politics anymore though. Its too much for me, honestly. So I dont really wanna write about anarchism and why I used to subscribe to that. I guess im still an anarchist. Peaceful didnt like that. I was so passionate about what I believe. Now I dont really talk about it like I uesd to. I dont really talked about alot of things like i used to. I think. Idk.

anyways

Peaceful got his nickname from an among us video I did with him and a friend. https://youtu.be/BMc9l11K6Ls The editing was apparently very funny. Alotta peope liked it. I unlisted it because i dont want peaceful to have that power. I gave him that name as a reference to the youtuber Callmekevin, Callmekevin named himself "peaceful" in a among us video he made that was funny. I figured people would join the lobby, and peaceful used that in multiple games we played together. Peaceful fucking embaressed me and did the most cringiest bullshit in the recording of this video. Peaceful "promoted" my channel in a way that at least to me made me feel embaressed and ashamed and it was so humiliating. I cut that part out honestly but man. What the fuck.

anyways.

I tried a new food thing today it was cool. on the 16th there will be a new hlvrv session/episode!!! Im very excited im making a webshrine for hlvrv but its going disasterly. I scrapped my old shrine and tried to make it completely anew but. Gah. I need to just find a way to get myself in excited ramble mode and just go ham. I dont really know how to do webshrines so. whatever. I still wanna make it though because!! I like hlvrv!! I really really do!

me and dad went outside. dad invented a new game with my dice and it was fun to play.

Dad made pasta that was so good. Im reheating it now.

This morning i was reading blogs and I read this "Lastly, this: Jump On The Train When It Pulls Into The Station. In my industry there are various ways to convey this. One of it is, when the rocketship arrives, get on and don’t ask which seat you’re on. The other one is, do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water? In that respect, I’ve just had my metaphorical train pull up into the station. So I’m going all in." and this quote got me thinking of shit. Like streaming and creating and shit.

I wonder if theres an oppurnitity for me or something like that, I wonder if i should just jump on the train. Evern if it costs my own health. With my abusive parents I have to be careful but at the same time. Should I just take the leap. Just take the leap to the trains I see passing by and hope I land with minor damage.

Maybe im just messing around with metaphors but I think or at least hope a train is going to come soon. Its like i can almost see it. What does a train mean for me though?

A train means the things I love becoming successful or improving, and those mean whatever I define the individual thing Im working on. A train means the things that I've looked up to like their stars in the sky coming to my level. A train means money and a group of people who are like family. Who love me. A train means feeling closer to people and stop feeling like I am on my own isolated cloud. A train means all my silly little dreams I have coming true.

a train means he comes to save me. I didnt even realize I wanted him or someone like him to save me. I didnt realize it was more than a stupid daydream. Hes a person with traits that I assinged to him. He isnt real. I know he is. But someone like him must exist. he must me real.

So i want something that fufils my stupid little wants and gets me on the train to freedom and everything I dream of for some fucking reason. I dont know why I want all I want other than maybe i've always wanted it or that I have always wanted it.

So i want a speeding train so slow down a bit, people exclaiming inside and dragging me in and someone says.

"Im sorry Theseus! We almost left without you!" and I go onto my happy little world and I.

What happens after I get what I want? I guess I can somehow talk about KS and peaceful. I guess if i had everything I wanted i would be happy i would be fixed i would be normal. i'd have people who love me. I wanna be worthy of love. I wanna feel apart of the group. I want the people i've been chasing my entire life to stop and help me get to them.

The people i've been chasing are mere concepts. im locked in a cage just trying to get out but I cant. im so seperated from everyone else but. When i was so little I had a dream, a want. And its something I still want to my very core. and im fucking chasing it but at the same time im not. It doesnt feel like enough. It never is.

Still. It feels as if those people I dreamed are waiting for me. those base concepts and roles. Their waiting and Im trying to get to them. They love me we're friends they protect me. Their adults and people my age that nurture and protect and bring me up and i feel connected to them and they are totally different from all this distance and isolation i feel thats crafted by my parents. They would be different from my parents and despite all my parents efforts their will be no walls. I feel walls between me and everyone in the world and i dont know if that can ever change.

I guess what I wanted was friends. a family. everything Ive ever wanted was just to create and have that lead to a fucking family god fuck. Ive always wanted escape but I never realized it.

Ever since fucking 2020 i've been actively doing and hoping that that train arrives for me. the one that I want. I've been trying and I wont give up but come on. Just come to me guys. Break these walls down that are around me. Help me with this. Im almost crying. I just want good. I think I just want good I dont know. Im writing pleas to people who might not exist I just. I just want someone to come for me man. Someone to save me or whatever lol. I just want someone.

someone who says "Im sorry i was late I was looking everywhere for you" although that would be creepy in real life but the core idea of that sorta thing. Someone out there who saves me, who was meant to save me from this hell from the start. Like a fucking fairytale i guess. Fuck i realize how childish that sounds but i guess that just shows who i am. a child. im still fucking so young. and yet im so old, im 17.

I have this daydream plot currently of a group of characters stuck in a timeloop. where the universe is reset and completely changes around when "i"/the main character of sorts, is 17 and tragdey happens. Its a tale of presisting love and not letting go. Rescuing each other and shit from impossible circumstances. and Theres a group of people that are meant to save "me". theres the three husbands of "mine", that solve the issue i have with romantic attraction and being asexual and aroflux. Because its meant to be, and it will all be okay I dont need to worry about my attraction and all of that when the solution is right there. and people who are like my family.

and its all so nice. its just that currently "I" am in my exact same position. Waiting on a miracle, for the people who are meant to save "me" to come. because i cant do this myself. So "i" dream of the past realities we have together.

I know thats not reality. But its set in the same world that I placed jade in. That was my solution to how jade exists and all of that. That was the world of daydreams to justify her. A whole world was created around jade and it kept growing and growing. So maybe its a bit blurry but. I know its not real.

So why am I living like it is. Like the version without magic and shit. The real life versions.

no ones coming to save me. I know that.

This was written on line "1313".

That above sentence is a fact. the one above it is also a fact and real. but its real just like how the THING IM TRYING TO AVOID WRITNG HERE is.

I've been running from something for this whole entry but here I am coming back to it. Im afraid of what will happen when I write it. When i say it.

Im so afraid. No ones coming so save me. Jade isnt a supernatural being that does all sorts of shit to me. Jade is just an alter in dormancy that I created a daydream version of to just cope with real jade and real life. To try to justify real jade i made a fake jade. fake jade who has a complicated relationship with Maria G and Angel and so many other just daydream people.

but they arent real. but i swear.

if i say they are real, then im crazy. so their not. I never thought i was having telepathic communication with Maria G's son. I never thought I was him and I never had memories of Maria G being my father. They are all just characters.

hell this isnt the thing im actively avoiding but rather passively avoid. Maybe maria g's son is an alter. maybe that was just me being a middle schooler whos so out of touch with reality whos brain is broken who fucking fuck.

I had a bully in middle school. I swore i got memories of him raping me. I was told that it was all fake. so whatever facts I cling onto and whatever "what ifs" is just fake. even though that invalidation hurts i am running from it.

did he really rape me?

...the thing i've been running from. this entire entry.

I think. I think my dad raped me when i was a young young kid. I think i was wearing a dress? white with red flowers? I dont know.

There are facts I know(?) but if i state them im scared ill go back.

ill be back to that moment.

the bully in middle school thing was a group of trauma survivours that offered to give people advice. and. and.

i just wanted someone to help me i guess. so if i repress it its fine. its what i did with the bully. ignore it. like KS said focusing on the purple panda is easier than thinking youve got to avoid whatever the fuck KS said.

when people think of something they see more of it. The law of attraction says your manifesting it. science or psychology or whatever says that its just how the mind works. I dont know where im going with this. i see more of the facts, maybe ill get more? but i mean. its my father. i just need to ingore what I realized and told to ks all that time ago about my father its fine. my father just joked with me and helped me a tiny bit because unlike mom he doesnt scream at me for the most simplest things. he doesnt tlell me that im 17 when i ask about little things i defiently dont know about. he never said "your [age] so you should know this" or "you should know where everything is" or like. whatever. im 17 and i was never taught basic shit and i dont know shit like where my mother puts stuff. like im sorry i cant read your mind. im getting of topic and maybe thats the point of this.

im in fucking. denial. barganing. I know this. i am refusing this that fact isnt a fact it isnt real. its my fucking dad. my dad fucking hurt me and did so many bad things. i know he did it. its so obvious but. i cant. i cant cope with that. if i admit he raped me than this fucking funk i had since th fourth month of this year will go away. Thats when I couldnt stop running from it anymore but i have to. im a shark i have to keep moving or else ill fucking die (hey thats an hlvrv refrence i made just now neat) i just.

Its not suprising. its not like it ruins him. Hes already done life ruining shit before. He fucking sexually abused me back in october and. touched me. in December 2021. he has uh. bad things unless if i misunderstood the uh. clear name. hes done so much shit that i could list off but i dont want to. he tried to kill me years ago for fucks sake. was it years. I dont know.

I dont know how long because time is HELL in this place. he lives every day with me and its so weird. he isnt the person he was. he. dad just killed the biggest bug we've seen in years! Hes done so much good! he brings pain to me every day im so scared of him but. he taught me battlefield and he taught me about world of warcraft until i got better than him (we havent afforded that game in years i wish it was free) he taught me basic shit about computers he. i swore he changed. he went from "the good one" and my friend the only one i could trust the saint of the house (he made himself seem that way. He told me he was the good parent and all of that bullshit.)

he was the good parent then something changed. I excused his physical violence. the bruises he gave me. he told me he spanked me but drilled it into my head that it was abuse. He said he only did that (tell me it was abuse) because i cried and yelled for mom and he felt bad.

i associate the song "something changed" by creepP with him. When i think about reality.

i mean "But something changed something changed something changed something changed" etc. You get it. The way the song sounds. Dad said he was an angel. literally not as like a descriptor that he was an angel or half angel and i was too. He was supposed to be good. Hes supposed to be good. But hes rotted over the years. He turned bad. so bad. Was he always bad.

i started seeing it in middle school I think. that he wasnt good anymore.

i mean. g-d. FUCK.

well. what does it matter? why does this affect me so much? i mean it'll just say im even more of a whore than i already am. I was sexually abused and assaulted by so many people. one of my langauge arts teachers in 7th grade, the female that i tried to tell my parents was bad but they just compared her to the ableist teacher who had a autistic son and was obviously horrible to him (she said so much ableist shit one day and i had to stop myself from biting her. They compared my attacker to her to say that it "wasnt that bad." despite them having to tell her to not interact with me outside of giving instructions and the assingment. she assaulted me a bit after that phone call took place maybe. its all a time soup.). W lets call her. W fucking almost raped me and I was so afraid she was going to before one day before science and she was right there I just. slipped deeper into the darkness of my mind and was like "who cares!" and all of that. I was all suicidal n shit bout it.

my dad already fucked me up (ha.) alot. he did more than december and october. alot more. Mom made uhm. csem of me as punishment for a school related thing. I dont know if that video still exists or if one of us deleted it or if its on a broken hard drive. its gone. But she still took that video. I was so upset. crying. I wanted her to stop. She told me she was going to show my future boyfriend it. to show how bad of a child i was and to humilliate me. they did alot of that but never. never like THAT. it was only one incident. and my first boyfriend. and KS and peaceful.

I wonder if it counted as cheating on ks. I didnt want any of the shit he said to me and all of that.

my secret is related to that.

oh fuck it. It doesnt matter. my secret regarding peaceful is porn. I was forced to send him porn. I was having a breakdown and he talked about his masterbation and all of that shit and wanted to know what I would. jerk off to. I didnt really jerk off before him i think but. His life relied on me. He told me he would go to my parents and out me (again) and that he would tell them i was sexually abused despite me telling him that my parents abused me. Peaceful said they obviously loved me. It was all out of love and all of that shit. It was death or pleasure myself. So i found a part of tumblr somehow and well. the rest is history.

i made a sideblog filled with reblogged shit and sent it to him while telling him about my first ex. It made him happy, he told me. Thats when. fuck. I told KS about it. KS was angry. but KS was still a bastard.

am. am i the bad person? I think i am. maybe i misread the situation. maybe i didnt have to. I was crying and so upset that night. It made my PARENTS concerned for fucks sake. and i've cut myself over this. I attempted suicide over this because i am the bad person in this situaion.

somehow that weird feeling in my chest is starting to feel better. I think. or worse. my chest has been weird for a few days.

I already ruined myself here. I ruined myself bu admitting my dad raped me when i was younger even though I dont want that to be real. its real. I know it is. I cant stop running from the truth. but yet i need to stop. i have to stop. so fuck it.

KS had a blog called "Ranboosblog" and another blog that was "tubbo" but with a long amount of b's and o's. KS has "DID". I say in quotes because their is a possibilty that KS was faking it. Now we dont feel sexual attraction. but Their tubbo introject felt it towards us. It caused alot of conflict and trauma. So the very very bad thing I did to keep them from killing themselves (Because they apparently have sexual trauma and I also have that trauma and if i responded negatively they would. yknow attempt.) the thing that they wanted me to do. that i had to do because. If someone kills themselves and its your fault then you go to jail for murder and i loved them so it was a mix of self preservation and stolkhom syndrome was. reading benchtrio smut.

because i have a tommyinnit introject. they have a ranboo and tuboo introject (or they faked having them if information i have is true which OH BOY i dont wanna thinking about the layer of "what the fuck" that adds to the situation). I had to pretend to be the tommyinnit alter alot of the time. I had to read benchtrio porn to try and "fix" myself so I can. particpiate in shit with them so to speak.

and that is against those content creators boundaries and I feel so so horrible for it. I never did it outside of a situation where I was forced to.

Sometimes i try to justify it. They were versions of them. doesnt count. KS wouldve died if I didnt read those fics! and i wouldve gone to jail because it was my fault! while yes KS dying wouldve been bad. So is breaking peoples boundaries. Maybe forcing people to read p0rn is sexual abuse, i would say it is and I have said it is but. i dont know if it is in this case because I also did a wrong. I know that. I tried to make up for it. It was strangers that I very likely never knows (not zero because things I thought had a zero precent chance of happening happened to me so. Im not assuming anything isnt possible anymore.) boundaries or the person who had my life in their hands that I loved and I dont know if i still love them but. if they wanted me back i'd follow their lead and say yes. Not because I want to. but because i know what happens when i say no. Death.

and g-ddammit. Im gonna cry because. I dont wanna hurt people and it hurts me. Peaceful said i was a horrible person who doesnt care about others and wont ever change. Therapy lead Peaceful to that mindset I think. He got therapy after telling me my dieties were demons and that I should convert to christanity and that its my fault that he could jack off anymore because i wasnt christan and worshipped "demons" who tried to drown him.

and i think he started being worse to me after getting that therapy. Said stuff that haunts me and makes me hate myself even though i know its just emotional abuse.

thats important because. what if peaceful is right? even though it kills me that i hurt someone without them realizing (those three content creators dont know i broke their boundaries because my s/o at the time forced me to.) and even though i just wanted KS and Peaceful to be okay I still want them to be okay. With everyone i care about (or i think i care about, at least in Peacefuls eyes) I want them to be okay and healthy and happy and alive and have everything be fine and I wanna help in anyway I can or know if im hurting them someway so I can stop because alot of things are my fucking fault.

its almost 3 am. Im not allowed to go to sleep until my mom wakes up so im up for more hours after this. so stupidly long. Maybe this is a mistake, writing this. but my throat finally feels clear and so does my chest. its not being weighed down with shit anymore. I know people will hate me. I know Im a horrible person for all of this i know that.

its all so fucking ridculous too. Sounds so surreal on paper err. on a screen. But people in fandoms can be weird (thats the case with KS at least) and well. weirders happen in life. Most of my life sounds like surreal bullshit. sounds so dissociated from me. But this isnt. this has haunted me.

and i've tried so hard to be good and make up for it.

i've tried so fucking hard. But what i've read haunts me every fucking day. the fact that I broke someones boundaries to save someone haunts me. The fact that everyone would hate me for it haunts me. and its fair. I know it is. it just hurts.

its not like the trolley problem. three lives verses one. which would you save. Its just three people feeling uncomfortable verses one life.

and i feel bad for the former but I know if i didnt do it I would've killed myself. I couldnt live with the knowledge that someone died because I cant feel sexual attraction. because im broken.

i couldnt live with that. Its like my first ex. When you put it that way. g-d. My first ex sexually abused me because I couldnt feel sexual attraction. forced me to do all sorts of sexual shit digitally. It was all bathed in Invader Zim related shit because I loved the show and movie. I had to go along with my ex because my ex, or me and my family, or Bone or whatever i made that persons nickname here wouldve died. Depending on how my first ex felt that day, really. I just went along with it because. What was i supposed to do? They both knew information. like my address and all that shit.

...I dont know if im trying to justify myself. Im just trying to process it. I mean. at least KS and Peaceful got me back in the end. They forced me to do that shit they hurt me and seriously fucked me up. I cannot go a day without thinking about the trauma they gave me. and its justice, I guess. Im now so afraid of brain damage and so much shit. Shit that Peaceful loved to jerk off too.

I dont know what else to say here other than I know im gonna be hated for this. I know whats going to come, the pain that people will give me. I didnt even mean to talk about KS and Peaceful, i just wanted to try and avoid talking about my Dad raping me but i knew i was gonna say it. I knew i was gonna confess to him raping me when I was younger. I tried to get that relief of confessing what happened but it didnt work.

I've done bad but. maybe this will free me to do good. Maybe im overreacting to the shit in my past with KS and Peaceful and the porn but. whatever.

I feel lighter. and It feels wrong not talking about it honestly. I've been wanting to talk about it and people mightve made assumptions based on my pain from it and not the facts. Maybe people wont hate me and my life wont be over after this (i think i thought a similar thing about my first ex sexually abusing me and talking about that) but. I am pretty sure this times different.

for a journaling prompt here the standard permission to write about what I wrote I always give for some reason and for the real prompt: whats one thing you wanted to confess? something haunting you? something at least bothering you? whatever is haunting or bothering you just let it out. Let it go. That shits bad for you to keep in. How would you like your life to change? Whats "train" do you want to arrive (in regards to the whole "Jump On The Train When It Pulls Into The Station." thing i wrote about earlier in this entry)?

welp. see you later online journal and those who read it. Im gonna hope I dont freak out and have a breakdown over the fact that I just wrote this.

6/15/2022 TWO

Its the next day for me.

I will be talking about a memory today, from 7th grade. Content warning for sexual assault.

One of the people I'll be talking about is Al. Al was a twin and was nice to me, maybe friends with another alter or was just a nice person who looked out for me. Onlooker is a kid who I dont know the name of anymore (so i cant give a nickname that avoids that name other than just. onlooker.), blue eyes and curly brown hair. Ms. W was a teacher in my 7th grade english class. She was the third one we had that year. the first one quit and the second one was temporary.

The days before It occured im pretty sure my mom had to tell W not to interact with me outside of giving me work and instsructions. The day before it happened Ms. W threatened to ruin my future and make sure I never switch schools or go into any sort of high school and college, and basically just ruin my future with no job nothing. She said I was sleeping but she was being so confusing about it. I told dad what she said and he said she was threatening to frame me as a drug user or addict.

the next day Im pretty sure, me and Al where late to class because the school was hell. We were running together and she was let in by the teacher while i wasnt. The teacher told me to stand outside. After a bit Al was running around the classroom or something and somehow ended up at the door and saw me. Maybe she was looking for me. She went and told the teacher i was there. I couldnt really hear them.

Eventually, W walked out of class while it was going on. I was backed up against the wall. I think there were arms on both sides of me. (im afab, that detail is important to the story). W proceeded to threaten me again with the same threat as the day before, just not in front of the whole class. I stopped listening once i realized something important. I was being backed up against the wall where the other kids couldnt see unless if they were at the door, and the teacher really uhm. Liked my boobs. and was staring at them then at my eyes. and while i was being backed against the wall I realized that I was about to be raped. (attempted rape is sexual assault.) I looked at the hallways and maybe into the window on the door with my best "help me" expression. I tired to scream "help me" with my eyes.

Eventually, Onlooker who was apparently very very late ran up to us. He saw me and the teacher, the teacher didnt see him. I was desperately hoping he picked up on my distress, on the look in my eyes. He ran away and then ran back to us a few times. I dont know if he mouthed something and i didnt see it. I dont really remember his experssion other than he had one. I think i thought he was confused at the time. I yelled at him in my brain, as if he could read it.

he left at one point and didnt come back for a long while. i kept looking for him. Ms. W eventually backed away from me. I dont know if a kid came to the window and saw us and she saw, if she saw Onlooker or if Al came to the window again, or if W just remembered she had a class in session. That could stand up and go to the window and witness what was going on or whatever.

We went back in class. I dont know if i was really hearing anything. My teacher had just tried to rape me. Onlooker came back, desperately trying to tell multiple adults something. They just scolded him. One of them was a big woman i think. With pale or blonde hair. Onlooker gave me well. A look. I didnt know what It meant. i just looked at my desk and everything went black. I dont remember the rest of the day.

i was terrified for the next few days or weeks.

i thought onlooked got in trouble for skipping when i saw him being escorted back. I didnt realize that maybe he told whatever adults he could find what was happening, or at least tried to tell them. I dont know if i ever saw those adults again, the ones that escorted Onlooker in.

that was that story. i was thinking bout it tonight.

- STORY BOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT OVER. -

i didnt really realize what it was. I kinda wanna ask Onlooker and Al questions about that day. What they thought. I wanna ask Onlooker if he was trying to get help or if he was skipping. I didnt have a bright view on the world at the time. I think now he was trying to help me and I was too depressed to realize it. I dont really feel anything about what happened. I didnt even realize it was a traumatic thing. I didnt realize that it was. yknow. I just thought. a teacher tried to rape me once. end of story.

anyways.

i journaled a bit in another thing today. It made me upset? it triggered me? something like that. I drew quite a bit today.

in a more postive and not negative or netural light: Hlvrv is tommorow!! Im so excited. Im kinda a nerd for tumblr ask blogs.

I was so so excited earlier I ran around and fucking muttered to myself!! Im really really hyped over it. Its a very very pog interest of mine!

We will see The Leading Light!! Gordon B!! The love letters!! Fucked up and evil Spork!!

https://year2000electronics.tumblr.com/post/687151432666857472/is-tlls-spork-gonna-be-in-this-chapter

That preview really Really gave me so much fucking energy. It made me run around for like. an hour. I am so hyped!!

a little preview that its literally some hair and the little corner icon thing literally made my energy go from zero to 100.

I havent really been up that long to be honest. I woke up at like. 4 pm. Its 1010 pm and i havent done much. i've done somethings! Like drawing. Life isnt really about productivity and shit lol.

I listened to the song "Dr. Sunshine is dead" for the first time tonight! So very very good.

I am so hyped about hlvrv!!! I love those funky Gordons. Docs really really pog but also Gordon B, Loverboy, Leading Light, are all so good! Technically the three I listed that arent doc are the same person. Lol.

Leading Light in episode two had the best design ever one of the best designs besides sleepless so. I am excited to see The Leading Light. My funky Lil man. I love this fictional character.

I would cosplay him or sleepless if I could.

Leading Light is just. so poggers.

I am against this blog being anything but plaintext but. G-D i'd love making an execption for Leading Light. I'd love to link an image of him.

Did that work? I hope it did. Its what I was gonna use in version one of the Hlvrv webshrine to show his character. I was going to finish the webshrine before the new hlvrv but that might not happen. Mainly because all versions of it are a mess. I'll figure out the whole webshrine thing eventually. The new hlvrv will create more for me to archive aswell. Archiving hlvrv is not my main focus right now though, im takinig my time. But I might try to finish archiving the epilogue for episode one and maybe do episode two.

By the way the song "Audit" fits Doc so well! The maker of hlvrv used some of the lyrics of captions of art they made of doc thats posted on their main! I did a whole analysis of the lines they chose and why they fit Doc as a character on the old webshrine. I might polish that analysis a bit and expand it and post it on this site. So instead of it being an analysis of why four lyrics fits the mad scientist man itll be talking about docs character while connecting it to the song "Audit". I used to talk about charactesr and stories in the context of analyzing them and a song at the same time and how a song fit a character or story. I miss doing that type of analysis to be honest.

So i'll probably do that type of analysis more!

I dont know if it has an offical name or not, its probably a thing that other people do and its not just me.

Colored digital art of Doc from HLVRV, from the knees up on a black background. They have their goggles raised raised, revealing glowing blue eyes, and wear a sinister grin, with four metal arms twisting behind her. alt by spritespi on tumblr, apparently doc uses all pronouns! Art by @year2000electronics on tumblr.

im sorry about so many images! but its my site, and its probably gonna be fine and load fine and all of that. This is the art of Doc I was talking about, all of hlvrv is by @year2000electronics on tumblr. Mothra (the name of the creator) makes such cool art!!

Doc is possessed by G-man in that scene, you can tell because of the eyes! Doc normally has green glowing eyes. I fucking love his character. Doc is amazing and I swear i theoretically could find a way to talk about him for the rest of my lifetime. Hes such an interesting character with so much depth in a silly little au hes just amazing!!

G-d episode one was so fun. Im gonna reread it probably because Docs character!! Especially in episode one!! Is so interesting!!

Like. It requires context but basically all the five Gordons wake up on a mystery space ship to do interdimesional therapy of sorts to fix their "bad ends". They are all from aus and they are all so fucking awesome.

and like!!!! I dont really have the words to infodump right now but holy shit!! hes so poggers!! I love him!! Doc is so fucking. He is such a a character /pos.

"I know I fucked it all up, I'm not a perfect man

But I swear I'll get better, this isn't who I am

It's really not your problem, you shouldn't give a damn

You don't know how I'm feeling, so don't try to understand"

are the lyrics that the author used in the caption of the original post of the art and yes! that fits so well!

Hmn. Should I just copy and pasted my not proof read messy infodumping from like. Awhile Ago. Well. I wrote it all on the third of this month. I basically wrote it before i tried to summarize episode one or anything like that and it was gonna be formatted as a little "bonus", basically an excuse for me to talk about something that belongs in that episode but I dont know where to put it. I worked on the original webshrine all out of order and the formatting was a mess. I wanted this analysis to go somewhere anyways. I dont know if it makes sense but. shhh. Im not gonna reread it. I often leave words out and make typos because my brain is weird about perceiving words and reading words. If i wasnt good at reading i'd suspect i'd have dyslexia but like. Im good at reading!! my brains just weird. Maybe its possible to have dyslexia and be good at reading but. Meh I dont carreeeee. Also im going to copy and paste the analysis I did below since I think im not gonna have my final webshrine be like how it was originally. Maybe im too much of a perfectionist about creating things about the things I love but whatever. It might be missing context btw.

~ Analysis from scrapped version of webshrine start ~

Colored digital art of Doc from HLVRV, from the knees up on a black background. They have their goggles raised raised, revealing glowing blue eyes, and wear a sinister grin, with four metal arms twisting behind her. alt by spritespi on tumblr, apparently doc uses all pronouns!

The image above is art by the original artist! Its Doc from episode one and I love it!! The original post has lyrics from the song Audit which I am in love with so that is very very cool. I really really like this Doc art from act one. The original post had this tag (aswell as a "hlvrv" and "my art" tags) "#HEY HAS ANYONE ELSE BEEN THINKING ABOUT EPISODE ONE? NO? OKAY" which is funny. I have been thinking about act one. Constantly. This mightve been one of the earliest posts I saw relating to hlvrv actually. I really really like Doc and I really really like this art in general again great job Mothra! The text that was with the post because i feel like its part of the experience:

I know I fucked it all up, I'm not a perfect man

But I swear I'll get better, this isn't who I am

It's really not your problem, you shouldn't give a damn

You don't know how I'm feeling, so don't try to understand

These lyrics are an excellent choice for Doc especially if you know the plot of episode one (you do now lol) and this fits docs character perfectly. You can interpret these lyrics in the context of the story, especially the last two lines. "its really not your problem, you shouldn't give a damn/You don't know how I'm feeling, so don't try to understand" fits because Doc felt like the admins didnt get his struggle, he felt so isolated and lost and seperated from the rest of the Gordons. So lonely when they are all right there. Doc lost his family and he wanted them back desperately, G-man killed them and Doc was on a potentially futile quest to bring them back from the dead. The Admins wanted to teach him how to greive and to let go of this family, of his science team. The admins shouldnt give a damn and shouldnt be meddling with his issues and trying to fix him. He was so alone and wanted his family back, and G-man convinced him to betray the science team. He was taken advantage of by G-man, the same G-man who killed his family. I think its fairly obvious but I love to analyze lyrics and while the original song was about alcholism I love interpreting things to fit different situations than what its "originally" about or what its "supposed" to be about. I think thats an essential element to story, to anything in general. Passion for literary analysis aside, the first two lines "I know I fucked it all up, I'm not a perfect man/But I swear I'll get better, this isn't who I am" are very interesting.

"I know I fucked it all up, I'm not a perfect man" Doc was betrayed by G-man, G-man left Doc in the void presumably to rot or be alone for eternity or whatever. He basically abandoned him. Doc gave up the friends he got, the other Gordons, and the Admins who were a science team (that I think he had a genuine panic over once seeing. He had so many mixed feelings. He betrayed people like his family to save his family. These werent strangers but were strangers. He was defenitly having a crisis. Im gonna go over his whole thing in episode one im adding this before I write episode ones thing I love his character holy shit but anyways) Doc genuinely cared about the other Gordons (the admins didnt really interact with the Gordons, and they did so anonmously and distantly) and cared more about the others them himself. Doc is a caring loving person who wants others to be happy and okay. He cared about the other Gordons and genuinely wanted them to get their good endings, to be happy. He made them breakfast, hes just a really good guy. But he fucked it all up. Sabatoged their sessions, infected them with a virus and framed loverboy (and Doc had a good interaction with loverboy before Kittle took over the body he shared with played and Swap got infected. That mustve sucked. Loverboy stopped the "messages" aka the tumblr askers from harrassing doc about his family and getting him to doubt himself bringing them back, he even said at one point that he knows he cant bring them back. and. Its all a futile mission out of love!! Hes a loving guy who 100 precent loves both of the groups its was just two things. I dont know what a metaphor or whatever would be for this but he had this new group or his found family. He chose what his mission was before getting kidnapped, but he still cares about the first group. He cares about the Gordons. its just. G-d. Hes such a loving and caring guy!! I love doc!! Hes so good to really write about yaknow?) The point of all this being he fucked up. He as manipluated by a person who had power over him and got betrayed and fucked over. He said in episode three that "...And I would have been alone forever, if I hadn’t made the small impression on my friends that I did." In fact he basically says what Im trying to say in Episode Three to Episode Twos Villian. He made a big mistake, hes not perfect.

"But I swear I'll get better, this isn't who I am" Doc isnt a bad person, he isnt like the admins G-man. He isnt a person who betrays and hurts people as a way to get what he wants. But he kind of did that to save his family from death. He hurt people he cares about to save other people he cares about. He is at his core a caring and loving person, and what hes doing (betraying the team and being kind of possessed by g-man. I interpet it as a half possession. He said some of the shit he meant but apart of it was G-man trying to get rid of the other Gordons and trying to hurt the other Gordons. For example: "Are you all amnesiacs like Freeman or has it dawned upon you yet that I betrayed you people?" and "I’m done with you. I used you and threw you away. What part are you not getting? Now LEAVE." I feel like the first and second lines i quoted here was Doc feeling horrible about what he did, and G-man used that horrible feeling and decided to make him feel worse because thats what G-man does in this au hes horrible.) is tearing him apart on the inside and making him feel horrible. The lyric can be interpreted as Doc swearing that he'll be better and feel better once that the science team is back. Its likely his reassurance while he as definetly doubting himself when he was being a traitor and sabatoging things. Hes just a man whos hurting who wants his family and hes so interesting and I love his character genuinely. Hes so well written Thank you Mothra!! I havent written episode ones part in this shrine yet only this little bonus image so you mightve read somethig similar to this before but. I love doc. I have feelings about Doc. Hes the best. I could write for hours about him and his character I might make him his own shrine just to talk about him like. GAH. Doc man!! hes so pog!! I love his character!!

~ Analysis from scrapped version of webshrine END ~

IM NOT rereading that because that block of text intimidates me and its a it wonky for me to read shit back in the neocities editor thats why none of this site is proofread or like. edited once I wrote the words. Its also hard for me to read shit in notepad++, Thats one horrid thing about that program. Its hard to read shit in it. I wrote the above at about 2 am acording to my other journal so there might be errors. I dont know. Im saying that I havent re read this piece of infodump from 6/3/2022 that was never seen by other eyes until now.

I even made a little banner for the webshrine of all the Gordons, I edited some offical hlvrv art and i was so proud of it.

Anyways tldr is Doc is the best character he has alot of depth and alot to analyze and just go off about! the other characters are good but I just love this version of Gordon Freeman hes so his own person and so epic!!

BTW Doc and sleepless are so gay for each other its amazing. Sleepless is a very VERY good character and he looks SO FUCKING AWESOME!! JUST LIKE HOW LEADING LIGHT IS AWESOME!! DOC IS ALSO VERY COOL!

I like all the characters and I like Kittles and Swaps friendship and all of that but like. I may have accidentally gained faves. Malcom (Hes Kittle.) Looks so fucking cool. like he isnt cool but hes a good character design. If i had to chose any ficitonal character to look like i'd be malcom.

The other characters look cool and aesthetically pleasing. Malcom is aesthetically pleasing and his look just fits his character so well just like the other characters. Saying Malcom is normal wouldnt be the right thing to say but like. All of these guys are eccentric ass motherfuckers, Malcom dresses more normally but he still looks really really fucking good. Its hard to explain just. You'd have to see him yourself, journal.

...While writing this a major bummer happened. Not related to anything im writing but I wish life would just ignore me while im writing. Im trying to write my blog do not interupt please. yaknow?

welp.

I was doing the journal prompts for this entry when I remembered I saw some journaling prompts myself I wanted to check out sometime. From youtube. Im a bit insecure about my other journal, my private one because it doesnt feel like "Real journaling" even though it is so watching stuff bout journalings a bit weird for me but! I found cool prompts while watching videos!

I will probably use those journaling prompst for a blog entry later today!

For now I'll create my own prompts for others who read this to potentially use (permission to write about this entry btw) and then later I will blog using prompts! Im not in the mood to write right now but I will probably be later today.

My prompts: Write about a memory of yours? Analyze something, analyze your life like its fiction or do some sort of analysis regarding something you love.

6/16/2022

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUN OKAY.

The Hlvrv session today was amazing!! I sent some asks but none of them were answered im pretty sure but that doesnt Matter because holy shit.

So like. At first I realized I was a bit gay for True Leading Light. He is something. True Leading Light is a little bastard, and I mean that kind of affectionatly. I was so excited to see Valentine (Evil Spork!) and it was so. so awesome.

The bellhop scared me and Im pretty sure the bellhop is a benery? he looks a bit like how a g-man would look I just realized. He has those grey hairs. The bellhop at the end with like. The "i believe he made you an offer." part was a bit. Wow. /pos.

It was honestly so poggers I was fucking. so excited almost the whole time. I say almost because while waiting I went on twitter and signed up for a smp. I ended up getting accepted into the smp which was really really scary and anxiety inducing but also awesome! Dad dragged me outside while I was talking to the creator of the smp, and it ende up raining. I think that was good though because it gave me a chance to walk away and calm down. my emotions were at 100 precent like 99 precent of the day. I ended up dissociating a little bit I think, vision went like how it is when i dissociate sometimes if that makes sense.

The Lover Letters are bitches and I love them for it. They are just. so neat. Btw when True Leading Light showed us that image of an evil malcom even if it was just like. a silloute or whatever I had to muffle myself because i was so!! feelings /pos. I had to do that multiple times that gave me like. an extreme high in postive emotion. I missed feeling that huh.

I just. have so many thoughts and feelings and GAH THAT WAS SO FUN /POS.

Outside of hlvrv i backed up my files. took 13 hours. accidentally made dad cry and had a little breakdown over shit going on with him because i mentioned file backups so I uh. hid in my room and cut a bit.

Nothing else really happened today tbh. Oh yeah I made a post on twitter begging for money and a friend of mine shared it or whatever and it made me really happy. I got no money from it yet but. whatever.

i hate twitter and only use it to promote shit I make and to have an easy method of contact in regards to video making stuff. Keeping "flowingblaze" and "wirescarryingme" is pointless because KS and Peaceful know the connection between the two but I'd rather attempt to keep it as seperate as possible. People on neocities and friends get to know I am both "flowingblaze" and "wirescarryingme" as a treat. But people from the smp I joined and people who follow my streams or whatever I'd rather them now know unless if we become very good friends. Information spreads and like. Idk. Maybe its pointless since they are already so entretwined but I am trying my best to keep it seperate. Its not like It matters. I was attempting to have a new username to go by, Flowingblaze, since my first ex knows this username and my parents probably saw it when I got outed (but they either forgot about my username "wirescarryingme" because I wasnt punished for having a tumblr. There where more important matters that night a few years ago like the fact that I am queer. or are trying to lure me into a sense of security for some reason. Im going with the first.)

so like. one abuser knows im wires, two know im both wires and blaze and two are unknown but presumably know neither. and I have a weird thing in regards to information. It spreads and its important to minimize shit spreading, but there are reasons why im public about my youtube channels name on here.

In response to preresent: use memories/memories please. I get its confusing. I only want people to use they/them if they are using the word "memories" in a sentence as to minimize confusion. I am kinda sick of being misgendered by literally most people. No one really uses my pronouns at least to my face. Maybe people use the pronouns in there head but. Its a problem in general. I need affirmation that people know im yknow. me. Whatever. (response ended)

I dont really know what else to say. I woke up at like. 1 pm today and my dad has been about hlvrv pretty much. Maybe i should feel bad about cutting but I dont. Dad hates crying. he rarely cries and. gah. I've been struggling with urges lately so, it was gonna happen. Im not trying to be clean from self injury, I dont. trust myself? trust my situation? to allow me to be clean. Its one of the ways I cope. I cant get rid of a pillar.

I wanted to try to get rid of a coping mechanism that is a core part of my being. It accidentally grew up with me. I've had it since I was so so young. I basically wanted to get rid of one of my defining traits. It was what triggered me yesturday. Its kind of. embracing unreality is what I call it. unreality is my life. Like to cope with my abuse i do my daydreams and the stuff in it, I made it too close with reality I guess. I go through my abuse then I go to a world thats either me having fun with friends or me being stronger than I am and going through worse. Maybe its a forum of denial. I cant fully accept my trauma and my DID when I have another solution to it all.

its the brains job to hide trauma, the brain gave me DID and gave me these issues with reality. To make its so so hard for me. My dad also didnt help. he sprinked his unreality into my reality ever since i was so so young. Is is psychosis and delusions and whatever when I had no other reality? I was just given this. Being psychotic and having DID is also. something.

I am. so neurodivergent.

With all the unknown and the quirks about my brain and what I already know about myself. its just. gah. I dont know.

I am now not pog. I deleted the ask blog I set up sometime ago. Im not gonna do it. That sucks. So much. But its fine.

I didnt want to not do the ask blog. I'll just keep my story ideas for it and all the art ill do for it myself. I hate going from big joy to just. the numbness. the depression. I was beating myself up mentally last night. I care too much about shit. Things that haunt me and fucking tear me to shreds just confuse people. I am not normal. I feel too deeply. I hate how my brain is. I dont want to be normal because being normal probably would've killed me but. I want to be fixed. normal while the bad still existing? I dont know. I wanna wake up one day and have all the mental shit be erased but still there just. fun. somehow. I dont want it to be reality I guess.

I hate my emotions. Im either not good with emotions and somehow hurt someone or Im just so laughable. I care too much, I take things too seriously or I feel too bad about things. Maybe its just my parents influence on me with how they reacted to things but. I hate my emotions my reactions and i just. hate everything.

Maybe i have internalized ableism but g-d I just. hate my abnormalities. I feel like a cringy piece of shit. This is another things this emotion thats wrong. I just. I wish I was fixed. I wish I knew what all my shit is. Ideally i'd do something horrible to myself and traumatize myself so much everything just gets so fucked it ends up at a "normal" point. I dont do that.

maybe if someone told me what my movements are or what my other shit is that goes on with me I'd be good but. I just wish I could harm myself enough to get my body to stop. One time my movements caused a really really bad headpain that scared me that no one goes seriously and now that part of my head has intense periods of hurting alongside other pain and I just. I feel like Im gonna cry because I cant control it. and only one person "believes" me but that still isnt enough for me. I just want an asnwer for it. I just want an answer and I want it being aknowledged. I want a supportive enviornment around me that doesnt make fun of it. It. it scares me and deaing with them mocking or screaming and hurting me for it hurts. My parents dont deal with it. It feels like no one does.

Honestly if i seriously had the option I would lock myself somewhere panic inducing for days, deprive myself of so much, tie all my limbs together so i cant move just to try to get it to stop. make it realize that the uncontrollable movements are just harmful to me and stop it. I cant though.

maybe its good i cant torture myself like that. but I know im just going to be hated for it. I know nothing but pain for it and I want love. I want love and affection that feels REAL. I dont wanna be mocked in ways that make me feel so so so bad and I dont wanna be threatened for something I cant control. Mom could look through everything as punishment for not stoppig what I cant control then i'll be dead. Dad or she will kill me.

my dads tried to murded me for less than all of the bad things I do on a daily basis. Im queer, im disabled? People say that mental illness are disabilites and well. It means to be impaired, right? I think my pain on literally almost every day that gets worse some days impairs me. I think my uncontrollable movements that happen impair me.

impair means "To cause to weaken, be damaged, or diminish, as in quality."

my movements damage me sometimes. Cause serious issues that arent taken seriously. My quality as a person is nothing because of it, im low quality. I have weird feelings on the word disabled applying to me.

Like. i dont know. I feel so alone. my parents successfully isolated me, despite having people and stuff i think.

it feels like my mom is right. that no one else in the world has this. any of this, despite things i know what they are like my DID, psychosis, cptsd, adhd and/or autism (according to my parents i have one of both but they wont tell me because i am me i guess.) and even with things I know the names of i struggle with but. its whatever.

my head hurts. I dont FUCKING know anymore. I just want a fucking guidebook at least.

I've never loved myself. I dont think I ever will. I hate this bullshit about me that I cant explain. maybe its why everything thats happened to me is my fault. I blame myself. I just wanna know at least whats wrong with me. i want to just accept it immediately too. I just hate myself and I want to be fixed but at least if i cant be fixed i wanna see a life.

I wanna see someone whos like me having a life. I want someone with these uncontrollable movements, the shit I cant explain all that. i want someone with a version of, The Void, The Void which is. at this point. my personal hell I cant escape from. Im fucking crying. The Void is "a fiction." a story. that blends so well with reality and is accidentally my basis for the world. Im nothing without it. I dont know what The Void could be classified as but. in the world i want I dont have the void but i cant get rid of it. I cant admit its kinda really real to me because it isnt and if its real thats bad. if i admit or whatever that its real then i will be hurt. I've been taught that.

i have to be normal but I CANT BE NORMAL AND I HATE IT.

and i hate not having support. Its like what I mentioed with that trauma group. I remembered that a bully raped me but I was told its fake. So i denied it. and maybe it did happen. But i trusted these group of strangers with it and I got hurt. I hate them. I wanted support and advice for what I was dealing with. No one but people who read my neocities and maybe KS knows that my dad raped me. i went through this before with ks. I know the truth about my father.

i know the truth.

and i need to tell someone in a converstaion. this isnt working. writing it down isnt working. I need something. I need some sort of guide but. I dont trust anyone.

The Bully hurt me. I know it happened. but if a group of survivors tells me im lying then. I dont know. I shoud just get rid of the damn trauma. but i cant. its real. its all real.

i cant face reality. no ones coming to save me. my dad is a horrible person. my mom is also horrible but dad. dads deadliy. a wolf in sheeps clothing. and hes a charasmatic fuck who somehow has so so many people on tiktok and shit loving him. Hes lying about me and mom. and they all just buy into it. and I cant face so so much more. If I accept that dad raped me it makes everything real. I have no more excuses to keep me sane.

this cant last forever. it just cant. With my abuse and with how I cope with it somethings gotta give. I am in a place of some sort. I try to get rid of a coping mechanism that is very very harmful (the void consumes everything. everything it touches is touched and. gah. its nost just the void.) and I end up in a really really bad place because thatll break me if i successfully get rid of the foundation of my reality. how I see it. a core of my being.

if I dont get rid of it im scared. Im scared because im in both worlds so to speak. the way i cope isnt gripping onto me anymore. its slipping. My coping is slipping away and everything slipping in and im afraid of what will happen when the metaphorical hurricane hits. Things are changing and I cant control it but I dont know what I am supposed to do in response to it.

im scared that people love my dad. Im scared about the possiblity of him having legions of people who listen to his lies. im scared.

i guess being 17 means that reality is setting in. Because i cant hide it from myself anymore. Im just trying to make myself better and everythin better without facing it. But I cant have my cake and eat it too I guess (I never got that saying but I think i know what it means). I need to accept my reality.

and thats scary. the psychological horror game that is my reality hasnt set in yet. Not fully at least.

...yknow everytime im in a space i can easily talk about things i always go back to this topic, the one i avoid the most. maybe its a sign that i need to dig deeper. deal with this shit.

I dont really feel like me right now. I think this is a triggering topic? I dont know. I dont know shit.

I just. I just dont know.

I took a break from writing this and I made another dono post on another platform and wow. Im kinda glad i made that post. People are sharing it. wow.

maybe im not as alone and isolated as I think. Despite all of my. issues.

Today I learned that im not alone, that people really will help. Maybe I wont be saved in the way I want, maybe I'll have to do some of the work but I wont have to do all of it.

Maybe I should face what I've been avoiding and I should just. Accept the things I hate about myself. Easier said then done but. Whatever.

Nice lessons learnt via stuff happening while im writing. I usually do things while I'm writing these. Welp. I think its time for this entry to end? I dont want it to sit unsaved while I do other shit for any longer and I dont really know what else I'd write.

Actually, Im gonna respond to preresent some more. "i want to quote the tumblr post to fall again but i don't think it's entirely... accurate. not all abusers are sadistic. some of them are mentally ill. not that their actions aren't abusive, but that their actions are perhaps understandable. the point i want to make is that fall's parents... deep down, want to be good parents. it's just that their idea of good parenting is fucked up." Is one thing they said and. thats an interesting idea. I dont think they want to be good parents deep down, i think their idea of parenting is fucked up but. I dont think they want to be good. At all.

I've been ignoring the evidence that suggest dad knows what hes doing is bad and that he doesnt care. He knows hes abusive. I know he knows. But Im trying to forget that knowledge recently because my dads charming. Hes a charasmatic, smart, manpulative fucker.

Hes hiding what he knows. Its hard to really cope with that idea because it seems like two verions of him (he doesnt have alters or whatever.). The kind him and the one behind the scenes. He sometimes seems so genuine, he doesnt know what hes doing it bad and theirs hints of someone good. But alot of things hes done and said are too damming to be anything but he knows. Dealing with these two seemingly seperate people is fucky.

I dont know how much he knows. He might know about things that im keeping secret from him, but hes too emotional for that. He wouldve done something by now. He knew that he sexually abused me, he knew what he did that one october night for example. He gave me ways to cope with it that were unhealthy. He knows things about me.

but i wanna believe his lies. I dont want to think hes as worse as he is. its esspecially so messy because its like theirs two of him. I cant think of him as one whole person because its impossible.

my mom. Thats a whole can of worms I dont even know.

Its been like. a few hours. I dont know what else to write. This entry feels weird because I did stuff I while writing it so its like. Idk.

But i usually do shit while writing. So nothings really changed.

Im just gonna state that for now and all future entries you can write about this entry and whatever future entires I write. This entries all over the place so no journaling prompt. I cant think of shit. I feel Blurrryyyy lol. Sorry.

6/19/2022

(note this might be TMI)

Its 2 am for me. The thing that happened went well. It was the start of the smp I joined, parents didnt interupt my stream and it went fairly well. I didnt talk to anyone over the voice chat which is what i was scared of. I didnt hear anyone aswell. I was mostly nervous bout interacting with the other members, I didnt know how it would go. But it was okay in the end.

Thats not what Im gonna write bout tho.

Okay. I think the day of the 16th? I had a nightmare. a few days ago. I also wasnt doing well. I tried to dive headfirst into trauma so i had a semi-bad night that night i think. whatever. The nightmare. Felt too real. It was a trauma nightmare. I know what i saw and stuff in the dream didnt happen, we had guests and my room was a big table for something in the dream but. Im the nighmare my dad did. unconsentual things to me. and It felt like it was happening, it was so so close to reality. Like. I've touched myself before and it was like his. yknow. was touching down there. I felt the pleasure you would feel when that place is touched. Then he stuck something else in me in the nightmare and I was. just lying there. I think i had a flash of a memory some point the night of the 16th. A flashback that was a few seconds, it was hard to make out but. I was on a bed and shit.

i woke up the next day sweaty and in pain. A protector alter of mine has been fronting more often and he's been closer to me, aswell as a few other alters. Normally I'd be cheering for communication but. Its signs of trauma? retraumatizing us via trauma? Idk. Trauma related shit. I think I mentioned him before in a post, the fictive that wrote something that he wanted to share somewhere or something.

The smp started at 12 pm on 6/18. I figured that was fine. If it wasnt for the fact i only go to sleep at like 6 am and wake up at 4 pm. I had gotten into a good grove. I tried to sleep. I couldnt. I dont really know what else happened on 6/17, I can review my journal but. That night was hell. I couldnt sleep. I tried everything: self harm, ...pleasuring myself, I tried triggereing dissocation and getting other alters in front, etc. I got one hour of dreamless sleep at like. 6 am. i went to bed at 3.

so i stayed up. Drunk coffee. Felt awake. I was on the smp for a few hours while streaming. went well. stayed up for a few hours. went to sleep at 5. woke up at 9.

I couldnt go back to sleep. I tried eating, watching TV, a whole slew of things. I tried going in my room and sleeping and I ended up reading and listening to music and shit and now im out here making food at 3 am for me and dad.

I feel like im having a breakdown. That im never gonna sleep again. Somethings so seriously wrong. I broke something. I broke me getting sleep right, i was finally fucking sleeping despite hating being up all night. Traumas fucking destorying me. My self harm is getting very very worse, out of control. Im fucking crying im scared. Im not okay. at all. I was crying and sad earlier and im feeling the same way (maybe the song isnt helping but. its how i feel.)

The fic I read kinda stuck something in me but. this isnt the fics fault. This was me seeing a few days ago that my life was going to fall out of wack, I tried to get a stupid trauma though my head and it. it ruined me. I only have maybe a flash of what happened. I know what happened factually but i have a flash and my body. A few days ago??? I stuck my nose in a place i shouldnt in regards to my past.

its all fucking. blurring. it shouldnt be the 19th. It shouldnt.

All because. My father fucking Raped me. I cant sob. I cant scream. I want to. I want to fall apart at the seams. I am already, internally.

I hate this. genuinely i hate this. i hate my life. I tried to make it all better and it fell apart. what fucking did it? was this intevitiable. It wasnt the smp, but it added to the stress because. Meeting other streamers and youtubers is very VERY imporant to me for a personal reason I'll talk about one day.

...I tried to trigger a split a few days ago. Splitting in DID is essentially when a new alter forms, and it happens because of stress or trauma. I tried to get myself stress I. I tried so much.

I dont know what the FUCKS wrong with me. I dont know if its because of the nightmare or the trauma resurfacing or their the same thing. I JUST WANT THIS TO STOP AND FOR IT TO ALL BE BETTER.

i KNOW NOTHING WILL CHANGE WHEN I GO TO BED AGAIN SOON. I know. Mom came out and said I had to go tto sleep after I eat. I know it'll do nothing. Everything slipping through the seams? Im just. Im slipping. Im slipping behind everyone, falling through the cracks. I need help. I know I do. I shouldnt be taken on this BEAST alone. I dont even know what it is anymore. Times offically dead and i killed the concept of the "day" or whatever. I cant ride this out alone. The rest of this year and every year will be tainted by the memory of KS and Peaceful. and with this trauma creeping up and resurfacing its. Its so bad. I was doing good. I took it for granted. I feel like whenever I do good something comes and creeps up to set me back BECAUSE im doing good. (i feel like i should apolgize for some reason. Sorry, for whatever reason.) and like. I think this trauma tried to come back a few months ago. It was a matter of time.

i cant run forever but. Im drowing. Im fucking drowing. I need my friends. I need help. I cant reach out to anyone. I dont know what they would do. Its. its bad. Its been very bad. I thought i was going to have a heart attack a few days ago when i was trying to sleep. It was scary. Its all so scary.

I dont know how im going to survive this. Its the trauma of the lull periods, i guess. i dont know. damn my crying. fuck it all. I've survived (almost) everything I've been through. Its also something with the foundation of reality. Dying is a foundation of it. I know one of the earliest (The first?) time I died it was dad climbing ontop of me in bed and that somehow sent me to an afterlife. Thats a fact. I know that. Its informed my entire life aswell as other things. If that was because of some sort of trauma. Thats a bit oh no.

Because if that was actually was just a weird trauma response, a weird thing getting triggered because dad was ontop of me all those years ago. Thats bad. That was torture. Being. Touched. for lack of a better description. like that by death itself was so. Its vomit inducing i cant think about it. Dad raped me. Other alters remember that. thats a fact of their reality. but I only remember a flash and some vauge things. My brains been trying so hard to hide this from me but now it isnt.

i was going to write more but the foods done. maybe i'll write more after i eat, I dont know. i was going to say thats its like two worlds verses each other. i dont know whats going on with me but i have many many things i know in regards to it and like that. I know but i dont. Lets hope i dont vomit while eating and lets hope i dont cut more tonight...I know i probably will. Lets just hope they dont get too deep or infected. Everytnings fucked.

I'll post the writing the fictive made sometime in the near future and I. I should really really tell one of my best friends about this. I feel like i should. the friends asleep, both of them. I have a friend in mind to tell tho. Im just worried and insecure about my relationship with people.

6/19/2022 TWO

So. I've been making a second brain in Obisidan, a note taking program. Its basically like my knowledge section on here but its not public and it doesnt have a size limit. I'm basically trying to write every single thing down that I know, learn, etc. All my memories, all my knoweldge, people I know, etc. Its literally my brain on paper and it theoretically should make DID easier, everything we know would theoretically be on paper in a safe area. A new alter could even just read a folder or a few small sections and easily get up to date on whats going on, and alters can learn stuff about each other and it would be excellet for communication and everything since discord doesnt work and my neocities is more my, Theseus B. Fall, thing rather than everyone in the systems thing. So this could make things better.

I didnt self harm last night. I only woke up when the sun was up and mom woke up. My best friend might join the smp I joined, depending on what the owner thinks about the forum my friend filled out.

I'm gonna respond to preresent really quick.

To quote what Preresent said: "fall's nightmare sounded too real. like memories' father was actually there and raping memories, and memories was just half-conscious and saw it as a nightmare. and fall's body can't sleep because it thinks somebody will come in and do the same thing again. an evolutionary fear response. and eventually that response will fade away and fall will be able to sleep. to the point where maybe it'll all be okay again."

I think that might be what happened. My bodies only allowing me to sleep when its light out and my mom wakes up, my moms whos sexually abused me far less than dad has. So maybe my bodies waiting for the "safer" person to be up and awake. I dont know, but thats my theory anyways. I havent told my friends yet about it all.

...I am going to ignore some things but to talk about one addition on preresents homepage: "...sexist (I want to be a girl), and homophobic (I want to be a girlfriend)..." In my opinon as a queer person who has dealt with sexism and homophobia, that isnt sexist or homophobic. Im not going to try and dictate how dragos (preresents name) labels themselves, because calling yourself sexist and homophobic is a label. People who are bigots dont necessarily label themslevs are such either. But thats just my opinon. and the end to my response.

Im probably going to play on the server later, I woke up at 5 pm today. I am probably not gonna stream, im just gonna listen to music and jam out while mining and catching up to people (people on the smp i joined have fucking elytras already. I dont even have iron armor or fucking tools. what the fuck.) I found a mineshaft so once I gear up a bit I'll explore that mineshaft I found. Its insane how people are. its 11:11 pm, nice. I like angel numbers. Im gonna play my old "while playing minecraft" playlist and get to work. I guess its morning/midday for me.

This blog btw has fucking. 62,164 words and 322,380 characters before this entry according to a word counter website. A novel. If i was doing nanowrimo or whatever I would have won I think. 62k is insane to me. I write alot about myself and shit. Goddamn.

Oh yeah! I'm going to upload that fictives writing later, and eventually post it to ao3 but my site first. Its a very nontraditional experimental style from what I've heard of it so it requries an authors note and "tags" with some neccessary content. I dont even know if its coherent? I havent really read it, just glanced at it. I trust that my alters can write, I know a bit about it from what the alter wrote in our journal.

I dont know what to write, what else to write. Other than Im going to play minecraft and maybe do a late night half life stream. I've been wanting to play half life but its one of those games I have to stream, to record my first experience playing and to justify me talking to myself and shit. Its one of those games and I love its so far!!! I wanna play all of the collection live, including the expansions/spinoffs whatever of half life one (blue shift and the other one where you play as a military guy) aswell as half life 2 live! Im in love with half life.

anyways. I'll write more later. I've been forgetting prompts. Uhhm I'll have one later im sure i will be up tonight and that i will blog so. yeah.

6/20/2022

My friend was allowed into the smp. That was pog. I was going to tell my friend about what my dad did but. I didnt. Im a coward. The bags under my eyes are worse. Things are getting worse.

Its been 10 days since I turned 17.

It weird. Getting things you want. Because I got the possiblity to get something I want recently but. I dont know if I'm ready to take it, if that makes sense. Im not sure if it'll help me but still. I dont know. Im so scared of my fucking parents.

I kinda was able to sleep. it was like. a nap maybe. 4-5 hours. Not long. My beds stinks with cat piss, that makes the whole process harder. My parents are talking in moms room. I think dads fucking. smoking drugs again. That phrase is funny. "smoking drugs". He smokes all the fucking time. Everyday, multiple times. In his bathroom. For a period of time he did it out here and oh boy that sometimes really really hurt my mental health. It took so much convicing to get him to stop smoking out here too. I knew he did drugs for basically my entire life, he just does weed now and quit everything else years ago but I know his history. He never did anything other than weed and alchol in the time i've been alive. hes been sober for like. more than 11 years. I wasnt "offically" allowed to know he did weed until last year. When I "found out" (i knew since i was like. 4) he tried to get me to do it. Alot. Shitty of him. Dad also forced me to drink too, and maybe tried to make me a alcholic with how often i'd drink.

its strange. because me and dad hang out and its fine. have fun times. but also.

I think. I think he raped me in my sleep a few days ago. What preresent said on their site some entries ago is correct "fall's nightmare sounded too real. like memories' father was actually there and raping memories, and memories was just half-conscious and saw it as a nightmare...". The nightmare was too real. It makes sense that i was just half asleep and interpeted it as a nightmare. I fucking heard mom and dad talk too while it was happening. Thats fucking scary. I dont know. I should've talked to my friend earlier but. I had good reason not too.

I've been distant. I need to stop doing that. Being 17 has been. something so far. Some dreams have come true, like me joining a smp and I talked to other content creators and stuff last night! It was small talk but. its very close to something I've been wanting, I've been getting it very very slowly. and I vauged about the other thing earlier.

To quote the song Dr. Sunshine Is Dead, "And if dreams can come true, what does that say about nightmares?"

If dreams can come true, nightmares can too.

I've been pulling away from my friends. I need to stop that. I dont know how to stop it at this point I think. I guess just talk more? I dont know.

Life is. life. I guess.

Im a bit upset at dad and myself. It relates to the cat. He and mom are violent towards the cat but I guess its the okay type of violent? because they dont like animal abuse. Its been years with this same routine they have with the cats. Im a bit upset at myself because i used to be upset at the cats for not changing, for not realizing that they need to change how they act for their own good. I didnt understand they cant. I dont know why its upsetting me now. Both of the cats are fine. Trixies watching the porch, Lunas sleeping.

Have I been enabling it? My parents are also so loving towards them and hurt me when I made it vocally clear that i thought they were gonna harm them, and a time when i thought my dad was going to make me hurt trixie. Maybe i take shit too seriously.

for the prompt listen to a song and write a journal entry based on that or this journal entry or something i dont know. I kinda wanna be a little ball of suffering and shit.

6/21/2022

I had a quite interesting day today. I cleaned a bit today. My mom yelled at me later because I "never did anything" and that she "was at her limit" and needed help and complained about cleanliness and how we "live in a pigsty" and how I never clean and shit and money came up, I mentioed how she thinks shes rich and she made fun of me for implying we are poor. "Do you wanna know what poor is? You'd quit your school and get a part-time job and give all the money to us to help pay rent." and "poor people dont have three (some amount of money) phones each)" and "poor people dont have mulitple computers" and she went to list off my dads computers, her computer she got from work and her laptop, my laptop, my xbox and switch and she was just similing and digging into me making me feel horrible for just. saying what they said. She also just made me feel fucking horrible and claimed that me and dad did nothing around here and what we do is nothing and it was a very long screaming match and she was laughing at my very serious and a bit heated replies mulitple times. She was making fun of me and putting me down. It woke dad up, and he convinced us to end it after trying to joke, make fun of both me and her, and other things (we called her out and i felt smug? happy? that dad decided to support me in calling out moms "you dont do anything i need help i am at my limit about to..." shit this time around.) and he eventually got me to go to walmart with him. In person. It was so fucking scary. I had a few panics and I was very very nervous. Another alter came to co-con at one point to reassure me and comfort me. We were the only people to wear masks, me and dad.

When going home I ran through grass that was to my waist and got bit by bugs and shit. apparently dad didnt want me to do that but he decided to joke about it and it was really funny I was laughing and stuff. I kinda realized it was a trap to make any bistanders think that our family was fine and okay but I realized it a bit too late. It was kinda poggers tho to run through the grass and walk for a bit, in a way that seemed like i was on my own (my dad was in the street walking, or almost on the not street area. its dangerous to cross here, the roads are a mess.)

I heard a police siren while i was outside and hoped that someone called the police on my dad.

I talked with a friend about a situation i've been debating on. Im so afraid of calling cps and shit and like. after I was done talking to this friend it all felt. Real. Too real. My parents are a pillar of my reality. They've always been there, in the background hurting me. I dont know what i'd do without them. I dont know if i wanna be without them but i also need help. Im not safe.

I talked to poili a bit today. I wanted to go to the pool that me and dad saw in these apartments to try and meet someone. I was too scared to go the other day when a bunch of teens. I kinda regretted it. But my parents were looking at bathings suits tonight. I had a mini meltdown because sexual abuse. I said which I liked after a bit and my ribs and stomach and shit hurt. bad.

It fueled my fear of one thing i'll talk about in a minute and me and dad went out again to throw away trash and get the mail. We got food (...Food is food even if few and unhealthy) and water earlier. and I was thinking about something on the walk.

So. I feel fat and like im going to vomit and im not pregnant but im paranoid i am. I dont want kids and I dont want my fathers baby. I've been paranoid about this before while I was with KS. The same fear for little to no reason? idk. I think he was sexual to me because he knew ks under a different name because they sent me shit, and he was sexual to me because he thought i was a lesbian. At one point its implied in a text that KS thought my dad raped me. I wonder how many times my dad has raped me and I dont know it. I was raped in my sleep a few days ago after all.

This fear is he same fear and the same self induced symptoms. Its fine. Im not pregenant. But I might get an eating disorder again because I dont want to eat because I feel fat and eating = pregnant. (My parents set that association in for me after claiming i was pregant and calling me "mary" like. Christians mother mary to make me feel bad. Having weight and eating is a sign of bad things and my parents have been trying to change the food we eat and have basically been trying to get me to relapse into my eating disorder. They've been purposefully upseting me and doing things related to food. besides that.) its just. Im reminded of my ex, ks, right now I guess.

Wait. Does my dad have a thing for lesbians? I mean. Once I saw, and I quote "Lolita Lesbian Anime ***** ****" as a texture for a game he plays, theres alot of stuff like that. The name aint censored either it just says the full thing (The abbreviation is. CP). It had other words in the title but thats the only ones I saw. Im not sure about the order but. like. Hes been so weird and sexual to when i got outed and at the idea that im not straight. I didnt want to learn a kink my dad has tonight but like. doesnt matter. i guess??

I thought that. images. dad has was horrible until i learned mom made. that. of me then its like. its shitty and illegal but i cannot report you for that because then I'd die. It was his uploaded textures it wasnt a default thing in the game.

Regardless, I just hate this paranoid feeling. It'll pass its just. He raped me in my sleep and while I was worried about my dad before when I had this paranoia for some?? reason?? I dont know?? Its just. he raped me in my sleep. No wonder my "wake up almost vomiting" feeling every morning has gotten alot worse. Because trauma. I dont feel fat but Im going to vomit, its probably because of the topic.

For the love of g-d NO ONE say anything that encourages that paranoia and spirals. Please. This is a public blog and people can say what they want but for the love of g-d dont make this worse. People have made my paranoia worse and its fine but like. Its one of the few lines I can draw.

Speaking of that, I hate triggers. I hate shit that triggers my trauma because I can never find something to block everything and i hate reminders being in my everyday life i hate it. I fucking hate it.

i wanted to self harm and stuff earlier. really bad. its all been so fucking shitty.

My dads just so randomly sexual to me. all my life. for no reason. Ever since i was a little baby. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. I am not doing very fucking well why is all this trauma hitting now? I feel a bit like a very very little kid and a bit like another person and a bit more. I think some alters are distressed and co-conciouss or some shit? getting their emotions near mine.

whatever. its just. FUCK.

This is all so fucking fucked and I cant handle it. I cant handle the idea of trying to fucking tell cps whats happening. How much would I tell? I cant fucking handle this. at all. I just want to wake up in a good world, end of story. I dont want to do anything but I want things to change. Im just so disconnected from the emotions behind the idea normally but like. Now im not and fuck this, this shit is way more i can fucking handle. at all.

I've asked for an end to this bullshit and the end i want is to me to awake up in a different place a different person and have everything be fine. I had 12 dollars in cash. My dad took it all but one fucking dollar. My cashapp has nothing. I was saving up money and it was pog but. i didnt know. I trusted him for SOME FUCKING REASON THAT EVEN ESCAPES ME. but its fine i guess because he'll allow me to use the one singular dollar that was mine. Apparently I had a 20 dollar bill I was supposed to get that mom stole so im also bitter about that. I feel like im about to drown metaphorically so im trying not to think about what i was talking about before talking about money.

I think im gonna fucking split. I kinda remember splitting once or twice before.

.....welp. Its fucking Ramen time I guess??? I hope i dont fucking vomit it but. Making foods a better response to all of this than self injury. Uhmmm. Im not in the mental space for journal prompts.

6/22/2022

I've been feeling better body wise today. I showed a friend my site so if the friend is reading this hi.

(WARNING GROSS) So I woke up today with shit on my bed. I thought dad put something in my bed at first, like grapes or something. But nope. The cat shit in my bed. So now my room smells a hundred time worse and I am not in there. I will be forced to sleep in there. Im used to the piss soaked bed but it already smelled horrible and its now a million times worse. We didnt have litter for the litterbox so they resulted to my bed. I already struggle with my bed because of the piss its like. uninhabitable now. Im dreading sleeping in my room tongiht. I took a long shower this morning then slept in moms bed. I cant sleep in her bed again. (GROSS END)

So anyways. I woke up later at like 3 pm. I worked a bit in obsidian, Im gonna write the contents of a webshire in the app then convert it to html and do any sort of stylistic html thing in the neocities editor or in notepad or something.

I wrote alot about doc from hlvrv and I did alot of a character analysis. I later learned that talking about doc is a good way to trigger and alter near front.

and now its later! a stranger messaged me on twitter saying they loved me and that they were proud of me. I opened their twitter in a private tab and I found a selfie of them that reminded me of my first ex or peaceful. Every selfie i see reminds me of them though.

One thing thats odd is how much internet hugs and grounding methods are tied to KS. KS who was, in case yall forgot, an asshole. So those things that are supposed to help are kind of reminders. So thanks to preresent for saying this in a recent entry: "i was going to send fall an internet hug, but i think memories wouldn't enjoy any sort of touch. so i'll just say that i think fall is valid." Reading that made me smile /gen.

I just woke up today and nothing really happened so far. Oh yeah dad was in moms bed and we had an awkward conversation about his balls before i went to sleep. My parents laughed and stuff at a thing I said.

we got some food today. Donuts as a treat.

I swore I saw that someone I knew died while researching something. N, a kid that a neighbour at the old apartment used to babysit. He was really young when I knew him and I miss him. Its a different N, im sure. He never ended up in foster care abused, surely not. He wasnt killed. He didnt die alone. I dont even know if N remembers me but I remember him. Most of the neighbours thought he was my younger brother. We both loved hot wheels cars. We played hide and seek alot until one day where mom made us stop because he was going to hide in the pool. I remember once that there was a shaving commercial on while I was playing sims 3 messing with the school in sunset valley and he? made a comment about how the razor would break our skin if we used it because its made for adults. or something of that sort. I think the commercial was mostly white. N knew me as a girl, back then. We lost contact with the babysitter, and the babysitter stopped babysitting him anyways. I knew years ago he was in fifth grade at one point. The babysitter wasnt exactly the best person. Sexually harrassed my dad im pretty sure. An old gross woman.

N loves zombies verses plants or whatever that game is. We got the game, the classic one and the multiplayer shooter. I miss that game. N has blonde hair, im pretty sure. I miss him. I hope hes okay. Some people you never know what happened to them but. I hope we meet again one day. I miss N.

Because N can't be the N that i saw while researching. N cant be that kid. I might cry honestly. I dont want to reveal to much but that random kids death who isnt N has gotten me emotional. Mainly a stupid detail about it all.

This is written on line 1919 in the neocities editor and I dont know if seeing someone who reminded me of N dead is a sign i shouldnt try to report my parents to cps or whatever. I dont know. I'll have to think about it more. Its just. Not N. Please have that kid not be N. That kid is so nice, so happy, so. so good. He is so good. The N I remember lived with his mom or something I remember N's mom vaguely. At least hearing about that woman. I want to say she had black hair but we never spoke in person. N was so young when he knew me so he might not even remember me and that tears me apart a bit because I remeber him and he means quite alot to me. I never realized it but. hes like my brother. My sweet little brother I havent known in years.

The age of the Dead N must be wrong anyways. N's fine. So I shouldnt be crying right now. I should be able to control my breathing better right now. I have no way to know that but maybe I'll ask my parents about N, see if they still know how hes doing somehow. At a certain point I lost all contact with a friend i knew since first grade in middle school at one point for a small period of time. I ended up finding their email and we're still friends to this day. I got it from a youtube chaneel the friend created under a username that i knew from animal jam, we played that game all the time. So maybe it could be like that with N. We could be friends again. I could at least prove to myself that N is fine.

I never realized that N's like a brother to me. I found that fact out while writing this. My little brother. I need to talk to someone about this, someone I can talk about in a bit more detail, I can reveal why Im upset other than I found a name and maybe a lookalie of my brother dead. I never had any biolgoical or foster or adopter or whatever siblings. I always considered myself an only child. I wanted some sort of irl found family for a long time. Someone who i'd consider to me a dad or whatever I never really wanted a brother but. Now that I realized that I consider him to be my brother. I wanna know if hes alive. very very badly. I've always missed him but its just kinda in the background.

I dont know how I feel about cps, btw. I used to dislike them and I think I still do. I will always hate cops. I just dont know if i should even try to report whats happening to cps. Its a tough call and I just. Don't know. I cant even ask someone to just decide for me because i'd just be anxious and worried and I dont want them to feel guilty if I get hurt as soon as the cps worker left. I doubt anyone will do anything becase my dads charasmatic and charming, so i'd just get hurt. badly. but maybe im letting my bias get the best of me.

maybe seeing that an N lookalike died is a sign from something to call cps. His death reminds me of how my dad attempted to kill me. I looked it up again and i found potentailly someone different. Ill look for the article I found again but I swear it was like [redacted].

I just dont know. I cant play on the smp tonight and that SUCKS. Its because I cant be in my room. Im not allowed to play anywhere else but in my room because of my dad. Im trying not to think about that whole "Other N" dilemma as I named it just now. My dad has going to have an interview for a job. Hes going over potential interview questions. Dad apparently forgets other peoples problems because he "doesnt need to store it". Same with any conflict at all. He and mom are talking about it now...

Dad says he doesnt want to lie about a conflict and how he solved it. Hes now finding an example. I find that intresting because like. Does that mean dad forgot that he tried to kill me and that he raped me and all of that because its conflict. Is that why he thinks he such a loving man and is only nice and is a force of joy? He forgets? Is that why hes so fucking differnet sometimes??

He remebers and forgets?? Dad said in an interview for school about how hes such a good person and I have that recorded and it was so much BULLSHIT. Dad claimed people on tiktok love him because hes "the only spreader of joy on a platform of trolls" and forgets that he literally called mom a drug addict in someone comments for needing an inhaler for asthma because asthma is a "fake disease" and blah blah blah to him.

Does he genuinely forget all of other peoples problems. Theres no way other shit he said in the past would contradict that. Hes talking to mom in the same room as me and he said that he never gets upset when someone asks him to do something. Sir. Sir thats the biggest lie ever. What the FUCK. Its why I never fucking ask him for shit he always gets so angry at me and hes just. what the fuck.

He has 6k followers on tiktok. 6k people like him. 6k people who are so Blind to his bullshit. He tells me about how much people love him every once and awhile. Its bullshit. I fucking hate it.

I think thats it for now. I dont know what else to write. A journal prompt for todays entry is: One person you thought was dead when they werent in reality?

6/23/2022

i dont know what to write today. I dont really feel anything about the whole n thing. Im either in deep denial or im being logical about it finally. I dont really remeber N's age or anything. I could ask my parents about him, see if they can find anything or know anything. Maybe its weird I want to know if hes okay. Maybe it isnt. I just miss him. Badly. I missed him before and that feeling went but. g-d. He might not even remember me. and im not his brother biologically or otherwise I just feel like hes my brother for some stupid reason. Apart of me is saying that my little brother could be dead right now and that I need to know that hes okay but. am i really entitled to that information?

...What if he hates me?

Sleeping will be hell tonight. I know that.

Dad didnt get the job. The lady that interviewed him was a complete dick from what I heard. Dad wants to just start a youtube channel and make money that way. He wants me to do all the work aswell and only get half the money. His voice doesnt deserve how much he wants, despite what he thinks of himself.

I keep thinking about something Preresent wrote on their blog "...he thinks he's a good person. he thinks that raping fall didn't matter and was of no consequence." I thought about that one sentence all day today.

I kinda hate that people have all started pretending that covid doesnt exist anymore. People are just pretending its over.

I've mostly been thinking about what happened all day. What happened being dad raping me. Err. this most recent time he's raped me. Its fucked up how he raped me when i was a young young kid and i just. Forgot. I've remembered it and repressed it again in these most recent years (2021 and 2022). Little details, like a brown jacket. Dad was wearing a brown jacket. But back to the most recent time. I heard mom while he was doing it, he and mom were talking about me. Its so fucked up. I know she knows. She knows what hes done. She stopped him from killing me before, but I guess thats the only thing she will stop. I remeber thinking that she was annoyed with me or something. Whatever.

Dad calls himself a monk nowadays. a celibate because women his age are all horrible people according to him and a bunch of misognistic shit. So does the sexual stuff he does to me not count to him as "real"? because im his daughter? Hes been sexual to me all my life. I've always just been an asortment of turn ons and kinks to him not a child who just did child thing growing up. I know this. Hes said he doesnt know how dads date women after they had kids because their kids are right there, and they must ruin the whole thing for them because the kid does things that are turn ons. Attractive.

I think thats fucked up of him to think that. Maybe if alot of the things a kid does is just sexual to you and turns you on. Idk. Like my clothing when i was younger and maybe even now for example. My body. All of it.

dads fucking horrible. moms no better. mom emotionally abuses me so fucking often almost constantly while with dad? its just a whole fuck fest. not literally.

another day. nothings okay. its just all the same. its all nothing. I havent really had a day i guess maybe but. It felt like my days had some life to them before but now its just. nothing.

ive been watching Minecraft Story Mode videos today. A thing from when i was younger that i liked.

Nothing ever changes. It will always be the same if i stay as safe as i can be. Im risk averse in a weird way. I have my own little world in the internet. lets do a maze metaphor. My life is a maze where im running constantly for my life and i've devleoped a dance. A way to live my everyday, its natural at this poinit. The pattern i have i guess. its not keeping me safe anymore. Hell it mightve never kept me safe. I mightve just fooled myself. I mean. What did it do really. What did avoidance and everything do for me. my parents have 24/7 access to me. I've never been safe all my life. Lying to my parents and everything does nothing.

its all the same. no matter what. nothing i can do can make anything better. I cant change shit. i can only fool myself. I cant make anything in my life better. I have no control. I live under my parents whims. Im not in control of anything.

g-d. It all sucks. Everythings hopeless.

Nothing matters. Im not doing well right now I think.

oh well. not like it matters. At all.

I think if i write more im just gonna write miserable depressed bullshit? and I dont really want to do that. So this will be the end of the entry. For a journal prompt write about something nice, i guess.

6/24/2022

its just four hours later at almost 4 am (its around 3:49 am as of when i started writing this.) and i want to write more. I dont wanna sleep in my room. I was spiralling earlier. tired to relax and shit. found out the cat shit on my floor and its stuck in the carpet. I had a mini breakdown about that and talked to a friend. it broke me for a bit. I dont wanna write about those feelings in fear i will spiral again, but its kinda bad. I my room is a place i dont wanna be in. its just a toilet. has been. i sleep in cat piss all the time and now shits getting added to the mix. I could put up with the piss and the smell-its not that bad once you get used to it but. The shit is whats breaking me a bit.

this is my excuse to myself for staying up, writing this. I have to sleep in my room. I cannot sleep with mom. Mom has the biggest bed i've ever seen so I can fit on it and i slept with her (literal) when i was younger constantly. Theres room for me. I hear her up right now. she hasnt gone out here yet. she just kicked the cat outta her room. i love the cats and I dont blame them for the state of my room. I blame my parents.

I shouldnt be surpirsed. my parents willfully ignore my health and only sometimes humor me. I've never been to a real doctor in years and I havent had the meds i need in years. Its about money now but they've willfully neglected my health. and my health paranoia thats extremely bad because no doctor visits ever from the looks of it, im worried about the pandemic everyones ignoring and im worried about alotta things, rightfully so. but that justifed fear is a scapegoat for them now to ignore my health. they had no excuse this entire time i've been growing up.

They gaslight me, abuse me, all of that. I know that. I know that this is just apart of there neglect and abuse but I have a right to feel emotions about it i think. Peaceful was angry at me once because "what did you expect?" i forget the context of it but it was something to do with older authority figures that are horrible people. So i guess hes right. Its been like this all my life.

They lie to my face and insist that im fine. That theres no reason to be worried about my health or anything. I just fucking hate this shit. I hate my entire life and what they've done with it.

I talked with a friend earlier about well. everything. it was an interesting conversation with things i needed to get out out there.

I sent a message to the discord server I have with some friends that was some sort of you are all good friends and shit message. Not the shit part but. you know. and that genuine. Even if It comes out of a place of darkness as I was not doing well when I sent it its nice to make people feel loved. Its nice to tell them I care about them and stuff, because I do and it makes people happy to hear that.

People sent similar messages to me and that was nice. unexpected. I know people care about me but at the same time? that fact is kinda hard to know? if that makes sense? Im surrounded by my parents who just feed my brain with trash, gaslighting me and being genuinely horrible people. Its hard to combat that, because even if you shower me with love and i feel loved i will always crave more. its just in my nature to yearn for love. Constantly. Love and care that makes me feel that emotion so so deeply and. I like it when i feel love and it just hits and fills me. Its an addictive feeling thats a rarity for me. I like being loved.

I would say i understand why dad thinks of himself as loved and good but. eh. Thinking of yourself that way will not replicate the feelings and mom tells me he hates himself anyways.

which is very VERY fucking odd because he seems so self-entitled. Just a self absorbed prick who thinks of himself as the ultimate good and is in reality a cruel and horrible bigot who isnt afraid to shit talk and tear down others. He does it all the time. Anyone he sees he doesnt like he tears down.

I kinda thought that when he woke me up talking to mom about how the interview went wrong. I cant find the word for him but. He loves being loved in the horrible way.

speaking of dad when walking sometime recently, back from my recent walmart visit (i had more energy then last time depsite being so scared. I was doing well afterwards. Im getting use to the Outside, even in my very limited and brief glimpses. Im still isolated as hell and still very controlled and maybe its just my parents trying to get me to think i have autonomy when i dont. Mom actually pointed this out today and said that I hated them/was angry at them for preventing me from having a life because they are overprotective parents who want me inside all the time. for alot of my life. and its kinda true. They are controlling me and just keeping me in this horrid cage. They are preventing me from living and using a nonexistent danger as a scapegoat. they protray the world as evil. so so evil and horrible and it is but its a very distorted view i think. I could be wrong but at the same time i've learnt to not trust them and theres blantant proof that stuff they say are complete lies. They arent overprotective. that part was a lie. they couldnt give a shit about protecting me. they just like me as an item. when i was born the nurse refused to give me to my parents claiming that my mom was an alcholic. Apparently a glass of some sort of very light wine? drink before mom knew she was pregant was alcholism to this nurse. Thats what my parents always say in the story at least. and they were so willing to kidnap me and actually planned to. I mean. My mom was cut open in a very risky not following proocedure operation to make sure that I could exist. I was born in blood and concived during a hurricane and I like that fact. Makes me smile and feel a weird feeling thats a positive one. So I can get a reason for as to why my mom was so willing. I wasnt kidnapped btw. The nurse or something gave me to them I dont know what happened but I apparently have a birth certificate thats a mystical entity i've never seen before and im here and have been here with my parents for years/all my life so it mustve worked out. They told me i did. Its always been about the ownership of me as an item. The fact they had accidentally made me. Whatever they saw in that fact mustve been something good. Im useful somehow, despite literally EVERYTHING mom says.)

I was going to continue but i realized i got off track. when walking back to the apartment, in the gated area almost to our place, Dad told me mom grew up rich, around super rich people that she wasnt as rich as but still rich and thus had a weird complex with cleaning and doing chores and money and everything. This happened after that one incident that i mentioned that I still feel shitty about which was moms goal, making me feel shitty about cleaning and money and the rich/poor and everything. Whats intersting is that the day ranboo turned 18 in 2021 (The fact that the content creator ranboo was 17 somehow wormed its way into the converstaion with about my moms life and money and doing things to make money and shit. I know it was that day because Ranboo did his birthday livestream later and revealed he was 18 and It was an interesting feeling to learn and entire point I could potentially be miscredited because while yes he was a minor and it wasnt revealed he became a not minor at that time. the point i made could still be questioned. i make little since with no context but anyways.) that day dad told me that mom was in a worse situation then we were, her family was poor and so she struggled and has weird feelings about money and stuff and that explained some weird things at the time. I'll look back in my journal since i know i wrote about it.

So like. was my mom uber rich? really poor? she has some sort of thing with money some sorta trauma or something thats affected her view of money and cleaning and chores and things and what counts as doing things. unless if thats just the only excuse she can think of to emotionally abuse me so often. Maybe theres truth in both. maybe dads just being a liar. In which case though? I dont know.

its 4:25 am. Im hallucinating people walking out of the hallway. Its in the "mom might wake up" zone now of time. she usually wakes up later but shes waken up now a few times. I dont wanna sleep. I really really wanna avoid my room. Where am I gonna put my stuff anyways? No where is safe from the shit (literal shit). I have to put alotta stuff in my backpack. I carry alot with me everyday and thats a mix of backpack of stuff, purse, and loose items. I need to put them all in one place anyawys one of these days. I also wanted to find the other bags we have, old backpacks and that one big bag and shit. I want to have a collection of bags with my items, I wanted that for along time but i was thinking of starting to work towards it. I know from experience that my backpack cant even begin to fit my shit in there despite me having to reassure my dad i wont run away because "my entire life is in the backpack" and i could just up and leave.

alas. There is too much I care about. The backpacks good, I reccomend. Just not for everything you own. It was actually pisssed on once! I "cleaned it" using our usual method that might not actually work i've realized with my dwindling faith in my parents and the fact that I still smell the cat pee. It went away when i cleaned it like last year or something but thats because i think the thing i used to clean was scented. The piss was cat piss. So I basically have the entire front side with mutltiple pockets that still smell of cat piss, despite using what we use in the diswasher? to wash our dishes? oh. OH. oh no that shits not off what am i saying. Our dishes all have food on them and are very very gross despite being washed with the dish soap "throughly"and all that jazz. I just realized that shits ineffective as fuck. We've been eating and drinking out of dirty shit with potneitally raw meat and other dangerous things on it for a long time now its just gotten worse recently. I keep hallucinating people and scaring myself while writing this so I may missspell more than nomral i just gave myself a good scare. this is what not sleeping does to you kids take notes. Your normal Hallucinations wiill worsen and become more frequent. Hallucinating isnt normal but I think it is sometimes since. I do it alot. that sounds like i do it willingly i dont willngly hallucinate.

So i have a cat piss backpack thats fun to learn. I'll still use it. I sleep in piss. Im a pissboy (in a nonbinary way). Covered in cat piss. Everywhere I sit, it has been pissed on. and everywhere mom sits. It used to smell horrible honestly but now im unbothered by it. Its insane to think we considered things that were pissed on by cats to have horrid smells and all of that nonsense. I think its just fine.

That could be normalzing my situation. and not actually reality. This line was written on line 2023 and i love the 200 set of numbers. 2010. 2012. all of those are years aswell as numbers and I love seeing them in number form. Its a weird little quirk of mine.

I was going to comment about the red shit on my hands and armpit. Mom has exzuma so hes using that as her excuse into not caring/not doing anything about the red shit on my hands and stuff that should be really checked out imo. whatever. Its an excuse because shes like "oh you dont need to look into it just use this cream and it'll go away" despite the cream not making it go away. and me repeatingly telling her it does nothing and that i need something else to get rid of it. shes insists its a cure all for everything however.

uhmmm. its 4:41 am. thats a neat fact. I dont wanna be in my room. what else to talk bout. my parents more? the fact im tired? idk.

ahhhhh i hate my room. I hate my room. I hate this place. Mom wants to be a rich fucker and wants to live like a rich fucker. She thinks that the plates, the bugs, the everythings fine. Any actual flaw despite the cat piss that she just used as a scapegoat to be away from dad i think because theres no way shes actually bothered by piss right? its sounds gross but with exposure it gets better. your used to it. its fine. I get why shes away form dad because there is a thin line of misogynistic jokes he makes towards her/sexual assault that constantly happens. I dont know what it is nor do I even care to find out at that point im done with that delima. He does shit when she says no and other shit but. whatever thats for anothter time my head is pounding i cant explain the weirdness of this family at the moment. its not normal in more ways than one! thats obvious but. yeah. shes in her room all the time because she hates us. according to dad. I think i hear mom waking up. nevermind. It was snoring or coughing or something. shes not out here forcing me into my shit (literal) room so thats all that matters!

Although my brain loves to see figures in the kicthen and shit because my laptop might be seen from the kitchen at a very specific angle so thats a big DANGER DANGER alarm thats going off every like. 2 minutes because my hallucinations are extremely bad.

one thing I hate is that hallucinations and shit are supposed to be scary and they are, dont get me wrong, but its mostly fucking annoying! like! Brain stop making me afraid! stop producing images that arent there. please. Theres stigma around that, aswell as other thing my brain does. whatever. Im in so so much pain because my bodys producing pain signals like it does all the fucking time for no reason. I was concerned about it years ago when it started when i was four but now its just. a reminder of all the times I begged my parents to allow me to visit the doctors to get it checked out or something and there refusal and them neglecting me. I wrote a fic specifically about that once actually. or that was a major thing in it. https://archiveofourown.org/works/30284568 this was the fic. One chapter of me writing about my parents emotionally abusing me and neglecting me while putting it on a "tommy" skin so to speak. Its a shame because if i wasnt the author this would probably be a complete fic with a few other fics in a series. It has elements and potential of something good, reminds me of earlier dream smp fics I used to love and still love but. Meh. its whatever. Just me writing about something and getting an answer for what it is.

..What else. What else to talk about.

I feel bad for not doing something about the world. From what i've learned via the internet, the worlds shit but not in the way my parents tell me. Not the shit they feed to me and use as excuses. And I feel bad for not trying to combat all of this bullshit but what can i do? I am in this horrible situation. I cannot help the world. Despite wanting to. My g-d i actually care again about the world and how horrible it is and how i want to make it better. I havent felt this since I was 14. Yet activism or whatever on the internet does nothing. I dont really know how to change and help the world like I want to. I mean. im trying to take notes about all my knowledge. so what I learn on the world can be in there. I can record shit for history books. I am basically an outsider to it, and i have the news (which oh g-d can be so bullshit. Fox news, Cnn, New york times, all most everything cannot be trusted and its not reliable. Fox news is known for being horrible but people trust Cnn. and hey I do too sometimes. Like for the purposes of the series of works I wrote for my parents to try to make them not transphobic i used cnn as a source. They arent really really bad. I just have issues with shit. I wanted to be a journalist before i used it as a scapegoat as what i wanted to do whenever asked because to be honest i cant envision a carreer but hobbies. I burnt out on caring about stuff yet. here i am. caring about stuff in the world and wanting to take note of infomation and archive it and just make it and everything immortal. I want to fight against time erasing everything despite that being a. whats the word. objective.)

Dad woke up now thats suprising its hard for him to wake up. he appears to be going back to sleep. he sleeps in the living room where i am on a couch. He sleeps deeply for long periods of time. He does get up to use the bathroom sometimes and maybe do more weed.

...I dont really keep that close of an eye of what he does in the bathroom despite being insanely familiar with his dick.

My fathers dick aside, what else to write about in my blog to try an futilelessly forget about sleep and the fact that its 5 am, 5:07 am and i cannot run from my room for longer. I might just end the entry and watch youtube and read and shit (not literal. I feel a need to specifcy because. yknow.) until mom wakes up and yells at me as per almost all of our interactions and sends me off to my room. So I dont have to have a very akward ending to this. I want to write about various shit my dads done to me but thats not the best shit to relive at 5:09 am when im very very tired and not in a good mental state already.

so uhm. This is all over the place my prompts are normally inpsired by these entries. a core theme is avoiding my room i guess so whats one place you want to avoid and why.

oh yeah i still view my body weirdly that issue has changed though is a different weirdness? I'll explain sometime. Its fine tho. My paranoias are just paranoias. Especially my paranoia and fear and weird relationship to my body its just that. fear.

6/24/2022 TWO

mom is on a nice streak. Didnt yell at me when she saw me up at 5 am. I was up until 7 am and I ended up sleeping in moms bed. I have the power to convince her of somethings if shes being nice (not much.), otherwise she would hurt me.

So i avoided the cat shit. I'll have to sleep in my room tonight, she told me as much.

Dads also being nice. He got me a dnd starter set.

I know its the cycle. They both hurt me bad recently and they might be able to tell im thinking of snitching on them so they are giving me scrap pieces of love. Its apparently a common thing with abuse. Its not much but its gotten me to rethink everything. Like. maybe i can just go through being raped and all of that shit to have little gifts. We dont have much money so its suprsing he wasted money on me. He knows that he can win me with gifts. It doesnt make me happy but. whatever. I didnt even think it was real. I hid the set already because mom hates dnd. and in there bad moments they can and will destory my stuff if it hurts me.

Dad got angry with me once so he spilled coffee on my old computer. I was making an animatic and he and mom were arguing and I said something so he spilled coffee all on my old computer. this was ages and ages ago. Its just the one thing that stands out, that taught me the lesson. Mom hides my clothes and things all the time and gives it back to me if she wants to. Stuff gets taken away when im not careful. I know this set being given to me might hurt me.

its whatever. Apparently abusers do shit like that to create emotional confusion. Hurt the victim then act nice. Its also my fault they are nicer. I think they can tell im on edge and debating taking the house down so to speak. Me being with them is something they want. So I guess thats why they gave me a bit of love.

Its gotten me to doubt if its that bad. Moms being nice and ignoring me, giving me one good "interaction" and dads given me a thing. Mom allowed me near her, she hates me around her. Thats a high cost for her to have me near her and to sleep where she works in the apartment. Like sure I was raped and im emotionally abused so so often and dad tried to kill me once and they used to beat me almost every day when i was younger and sure dads done so much sexual shit and sure mom made literal cp of me but like. yeah thats bad but.

I think if my parents want to silence me, get me to not call cps its working. Just give me even a bit of your time or a gift then im on your side I guess? I dont know. Im weak for attention from them. Im weak in that area. just something that implies love and its good. I mean like. is it still abuse if he gave me a gift?? while we had money issues? Like yes he raped me but. he wants me on his side. for me to shut up and endure it. That must mean something. Im valuable to them, obviously not valuable enough to not be injured but still. Dad wants to control me and is willing to spend money on me to get that. Its a point for not calling cps. I dont know if i have enough bags for my things anyways and I dont wanna call cps until all my valuables are in backpacks that i can easily grab because. im me. local paranoid fuck.

...Maybe im just being stupid. But My first ex and peaceful and KS didnt put in work to keep me with them. Then again im not sure if i ever really wanted to leave them. I know its a tactic to control me, and I know ist working. I know what my parents are doing is working. But I cant get this line of logic to leave my brain. This attachment. The part of me that says that them trying to control me and keep me with them is a good thing, that I can endure everything as long as I get this very good small item that I wont be able to use because i have no one to play dnd with because my parents never wanna hang out with me.

they never wanna do anything with me unless if its hurting me or basic "keep theseus here" shit.

i might be a bit fucked.

roe v. wade was overturned. thats fucky. mom was very very weird about it to me and when she asked me my opinon. its scaring me. What does she know? She knows I can get scared and paranoid quickly and very easily. maybe thats it.

btw my parents are not married. Dad left mom at their wedding before they married LOL. Dad just dragged mom around and kept her with him because she was knocked up with me and was my mother once i was born. He mightve married another woman (B i'll call her! Shes nice. Shes jewish ethnicity wise and was religiously before becoming apart of a cult she dragged my parents into, the same that almost kidnapped me and tried to murder me.I only have one good memory of her and the other one is her going into a cult building I thought was an airport. it was clear she was leaving us. I might know other things about her? She thinks dad hurt her badly but dad says she hurt him very badly) and forced mom to be with them. Moms just chained to dad because of me. Its one of the reasons why i wanted to end my existence multiple times. Im the only thing keeping them together and i thought they would be better without me. But its clear im essentail to this picture. They can go seperate ways if i leave them. Dad threatened to leave before and tried to once before mom begged him to stay. We are stuck together.

What is interesting is my dads history with the courts. I either have a half brother or it was a kid he babysat or something (lets call the kid L if that isnt taken) that he apparently hurt. I think i heard that dad was accused of sexually abusing him but otherwise he never said anything about what he did, dad started talking about this in 2021. He was in court and tried to prove that he wouldnt hurt the kid when he kid apparently out of nowhere was excited that he was going to get a puppy for lying in court about my father.

Thats the story anyways. My dads been in court and accused of stuff. I think I wanted to snitch on them last year But dad has a history of being accused of abuse and being ruled innocent. Who knows if dads lying. I dont know anything about the court case but apparently court cases are supposed to be public? or something? I could try to look into it and see what happened. I doubt dad was lying about being found innocent even if the story he says is. not believeable. because how would be allowed to be around me if he did abuse another kid?

I was classmates with a kid with the same name as L, fun fact. That kid was nice.

that was my last year before virtual. I think im in virtual next year, thats how it normally is. Dad once tricked me in regards to going school irl next year then hurt me for what he said to me. It was bad.

its been a bit since what i last wrote. Btw apparently wos will get deleted by aternos unless someone logs into the server. I tried to get a friend to log on. idk if he did. or whatever.

im not feeling pog. I hate my life. i hate alot. I dont know what to do about anything and it all feels like my fault. Self blame and other shit is high.

i wonder why no ones left yet. My mom and dad stay together. not friends. nothing. Im the only thing keeping them together, keeping them knowing each other. they might have no where to live if they didnt have each other. I dont know. I dont know whats so good about the outside world. I dont know why people like life, i dont know what life is supposed to be. Im just stuck in this hell. I want to know what life is like.

I have options. Scary options. To try and see what life is like. But im stuck here. I dont want to leave but i want to. Im attached to this place. what would happen to my cats if i contacted cps. Besides theres a life here. Theres my parents and I dont know how i would exist outside this. I dont know. I dont know any relatives or any family besides them, we're all isolated and alone. My mom has one of her sisters she talked to once but. i dont know if i'd like to be near her at all.

because presumably cps takes you to a family member or someone elses home and foster care is a last resort option. I kinda wanna impulsively contact cps. Because fuck it. I died and came back to life anyways, so its not like my parents can kill me. I can make shit very very worse if i do it but. but. i cant fucking take this. I want to take my option to maybe even get help. but is it my only choice?

i dont know. I just wanna be with a safe adult. a friend. I made a wish sometime ago that i'd end up living with a good trustworthy person somehow. Maybe contacting cps will make that wish come true.

i dont wanna chose. I wants someone to make rough choices for me. Inaction is a choice. I have a life here. so fucked up and broken and harmful but theres promise. Maybe one day my parents would stop. maybe. maybe we can do shit together. maybe i can learn morea bout my parents there strangers to me but i cant trust them and. fuck. Is it really a life?

i dont want to have to chose between my parents and my life. they can fuck me up and fuck my life, despite the fact that i die and come back. Its 10:10 pm. 1010 is the angel number of action I believe. https://www.spiritualunite.com/articles/1010-meaning/ according to that article thats one of its meanings. Its intresting to read that part of the article. I was thinking of someone just calling cps for me. Or another alter taking front and contacting cps. I guess that fits with the "your not alone" meaning of 1010.

Im listening to a song that kinda fits the predicment im in.

okay. mainly just the chorus I guess. "Please don't make me choose/Between the life I had with you/And the moral thing to do". The songs a good song. Same with "play with dynamite", is sequal in a sense.

Both songs might fit right now in my life.

Im goinig to go into the song Play with dynamite a bit:

"And here you are back at it again

You're always quick to remind me

That you're my friend

And that you always have my very best interest in mind

Do you really think that I'm that blind

I know just what you're doing

And I just let you do it

Cause its pointless to fight

Know you made up your mind

I know what you came to do

I know that you'll follow through

No matter what I say"

Dad used to always be so quick to say that he was my friend, the only one i can trust, and he always villianized mom. It was him. He was the good one, the one i could I trust and love. I realized that hes a scam, but I still let myself get won over with his gifts. Like that dnd starter set. Its pointless to fight him in anything, he will just do what he wants to matter what. and I see him in the verse of this song. That verse explains how he is, in a sense. What he does. I like the character c!wilbur (who the song is about) and hes so much better than my dad and everything but. Its interesting to hear pieces of my life in various songs.

I like listening to music more than I like making a choice. I can listen to a song for hours on end rather than contacting cps or debating if i should.

The song reminds me of Peaceful more than anything, that and some lines from the song "please dont make me chose". I miss peaceful. who he was. in early 2020 I got abused by my first ex with no contact with peaceful and I came back to peaceful. who was in the hospital because his head hurting (was it a brain injury?) and who lost all his friends. I almost reffered to him by his name, his real name. He went by sans online I think. i know his real irl name because we met via school. Irl. Maybe i couldve stopped him from becoming abusive. he was the first person i really saw become abusive instead of slowly revealing they were abusive if that makes sense? If i called cps and showed them this blog he would get in trouble, so would my first ex and ks. I'd be not only reporting my parents but accidentally reporting all of them.

I chose to block peaceful, in the end. Maybe this is one of the reasons why i dont wanna contact cps. they all horribly abused me but i love them and peaceful. He was good once. and he might even be a fucking trans woman by how they changed their name on hangouts. its no excuse for the horrible transphobic shit and everything he did. The thing that got me to cut them off was peaceful being horribly transphobic and sending us a sexual thing without my consent. Yet trans woman are supposed to be "good". I have some negative feelings towards them because being a trans woman absolves you of all evil because if you call them out its misogynistic. I know that, my dad knows that. We all know it. I dont wanna be transphobic by talking about the harm peaceful did but yet thats how I was taught to respect trans woman. Or maybe peaceful was just roleplaying a character or catfishing or something. thats more likely then the other thing, especially with how peaceful is. Peaceful even denied doing it at first, KS (my s/o at the time they did that alongside other unconsentual sexual things) sent an email telling peaceful to stop being sexual towards me and Peaceful demanded to know what they were talking about in a message to me with the email screenshotted.

I dont wanna hurt peacefuls life. Apart of me wants to help peaceful. Peaceful chose to be abusive and go down that hole. We dont know each other anymore. We're strangers but. It upsets me. I feel like its my fault peaceful ended up abusing me. I couldnt stop whatever incident turned peaceful that way. I dont know if I could've been able to stop it in the first place. I'll never know because of my first ex and what happened during that.

I hate thinking about this. and my parents. and everything. It makes me want to do bad shit to myself.

..whats so fucked is Ks telling me its okay and normal to m@sterbate/touch myself in the same room as my dad. That it was okay and normal and encouraged it. What the FUCK ks. How did I not question KS. thats fucked up. KS was a rich asshole. They had so much money, no wonder they were a horrible person. and dad did sexual things to me because he knew I knew another afab person.

Also I kinda feel bad for worrying about MY bullshit when roe v wade was overturned and thats horrifying and same sex marriage might get banned again and like. the world is really becoming a shit fire. So why am i working so fucking hard to be apart of it instead of being apart of this little bubble until the inventiable happens and i somehow perma-die by my parents hands or because of my parents pracitically forcing me to commit suicide with how they treat me. Hell I starved myself for a bit to be less of a bother with dishes being dirty no matter how much we clean them, maybe i'll have to starve myself until I die just to make mom happy.

Sure I have things to worry about in this little bubble but. Its better than having to be out their in that mess (even if im techincally apart of that mess and Its my moral obligation imo to try and make the world better. how am i supposed to do that stuck in this cage???)

I think its gonna be rather bloody out there anyways, I dont want to be caught in the crossfire of that. People will riot over this. Or something. Something will force people to riot because America is a facist police state and people need to see how horrible it is. Its just inveitible that people riot. and I can watch from in this cage. All of my perceptions of this whole thing is from what my parents told me about whats happening and what people want to ban next. I havent really read anything nor do i want to waste my energy on the worlds issues. Shits getting dangerous for me in this cage of mine, I need to focus on trying to figure out what im supposed to do about that! How i've been isnt working out.

..but instead of thinking about my situation more im probably just gonna create videos and shit that distracts from whatever dumpster fires are happening on the outside. To share with others and for myself, we all need to calm down and do happy things after all once and awhile. We arent made to care about issues 24/7.

Well. I have nothing else to say for now exepct that I dont really read fanfiction anymone. I just do a whole lot of nothing. I dont even know what this blog post says anymore actually and its not my problem.

6/25/2022

I read preresents "record n188" in there blog/vents/thing and I want to thank preresent for that reply to my previous blog post.

So I decided for my personal journal to switch to Obsidian instead of doing it in Discord. I set up a plugin and shit to put in the date and time down to the second when I do a keyboard shortcut and I do that everytime I start and finish writing something. Im up to 8k words so far on todays daily note, all with stuff I've written just today. Im probably going to write 10k words in my personal journal which is alot I think.

I dont really know what to write. I stayed up late last night and woke up late. I was forced in my room and the smell of the shits bad but you get used to it. Its either easy to sleep in shit or I just pushed my body to the brink of exhaustion so it didnt care. Im basically up all night until the sun gets up now. I dont like that but its whatever.

I wanted to call or email or whatever cps last night. So impulsively. Just rip the bandaid off and do it. I didnt thought. I've been thinking about my cats. I'm going to have to leave them no matter what I do. If I leave when I turn 18 in like a year I cant take them with me, right? I dont know. or If I call cps and they arrest my parents and I go into foster care where would they go? I dont know. One of them, Trixies, been more upset recently.

The past day or so since that entry has been interesting. My back pain has been worse lately and I've been. Flip flopping. Going back and forth between opinons. I've had some emotional things with me thinking that my abuse isnt that bad, that im a spoiled brat, all of that shit. And sometimes I hate my parents and want to escape them and its just. My minds a pure confused mess that cant decide if it wants to snitch or if im just a bitch whos making a big deal out of something that "isnt that bad".

...Sometimes I feel like im going to grow wings. Especially with my worse pain recently on my back. I have invisible wings already, phantom limbs. My body is weird to me. I felt fat earlier and panicked but now I just. feel weird.

In unrelated news my hallucinations are getting worse. To quote something from todays daily note in obsidian (which is my new replacement for my discord journal, which I have in my Obsidian vault aswell.) "she back in her room she was opening something or something. I hallucinated a person with a face that looked decaying and rotting. shit was missing on the face and it was gore hell. What the fuck." It was late last night and from yesturday in my mind but still todays date. The she in the entry was my mom. As you read, my hallucinations are worse. This is the first time that the people had any features to them that werent just a sort of color. Colored light/black or white colored light. The halluination was all back exepct for that sickening face.

So my hallucnations have definetly gotten worse. Thats very bad. Things are getting bad here. uh oh.

I mean. Its obvious things have gotten bad here a long fucking time ago but my fucking brain shit is getting worse. I'm scared how the hallucinations might progress. What if I have another episode. As bad as the one I had when I was dating my first ex boyfriend. I had no control and i was just controlled by emotions for months. I had terrible delusions. It was so fucking bad and I didnt even know it was going on, I knew something was different, that weird sort of sensation but..I didnt know what it was. and what If I have something thats worse. I mean. I defined my episodes by that feeling. Thats like drowning in a liquid thats thick but clear, maybe molasses or something. I dont know how to describe it over than an ocean thats light and dark and grey and horrible.

I dont think I had bad hallucinations then but. whatever. im afraid. Do I even have a choice anymore in things? Like. Do I have a choice to call cps or not? Has it gotten so bad that for my sanities sake I need to call cps? I dont know if they have an email and I cant call anyone, my parents would know. They'd 100 precent know that I called cps. So maybe I can email them? Make an email specifically for an email to cps? Does cps have an email? err. my states cps? I always saw cps as this big government entity that acted the same everywhere and was exactly the same. I dont think thats the case. My dads told me horrible shit about cps and foster care so they are like fucking boogeymen to me. Fictional creatures from tales made to scare you that haunt your brain. Entites bigger than you that are monsters. My parents called me a monster and similar shit all the time when I was younger.

...cps people hate child abuse I think? Thats what they fight against? So the saying "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" rings true. From what my parents told me and other shit sprinkled in cps had become an enem, but at the same time. They could be my friend here. Help me. They are suddenly an option in my brain as I've gotten older for some reason. Im either smarter or stupider in that case, like. Why are they suddenly an option in my mind? Am I that desperate? Have I gotten backed into such a corner that I see them as my only way out? I dont know.

Last month their was a risk of my parents not living together anymore. They had an argument. I keep thinking of a wish I made. That day was a bad day for me.

...I wonder if that wish will come true if I try to meet it in the middle. I made alot of wishes in the past two months? month or so? At the start of this month I pleaded to Jade to help me and she accepted it. Theres two Jades, the one thats an alter that got me in tons of trouble I think I talked about before and The one thats sort a mystical version created to cope with the other one. A scapegoat. Something that seems more like a magical entity haunting me. The latter one is the one I prayed??? to. I held the crystal I associate with her as I cried and made a wish.

I've been wanting out. I made a little subliminal to get me out of this house, because I believed it would just magically get me out of this prison of an apartment.

...Maybe im done with waiting. Maybe this is the wishes I've made coming true. Im worried about contacting cps or asking someone to contact cps because I know myself. I know I will get so fucking scared and I will self harm and it will be fucked.

I dont know. I hate that I have to make a choice.

I hate the part of me that is listening to my parents manipulation and falling for it. There shitty ass job is half working on me and I dont want to leave but its making my health and sanity worse. Im still fighting their bullshit, apart of me so deeply wants to just fucking contact cps right now consequences be dammed just rip the bandaid off my im holding myself back. My parents got me Soap. I can have a clean body. They got the ice cream they got for my birthday again, thats. I dont know. Fine I guess. Not my favourite despite what they think. My parents are still trying to win me over, and like. Yeah im kinda happy that I got fucking soap after a month maybe or more of not having any and having to just use water or fucking conditoner or something.

But like. soap cant win my love. Its not why I want to stay. I guess im afraid of cps just leaving me in this house with them and what will happen because of that. And I dont know anything outside this home. Sometimes Im worried im locked in something. Or that someones watching this all play out as a twisted show or something. Sometimes Im worried im locked in an asylum, forgotten by the world, left to die, just hallucinating all this. I dont think I am. But sometimes I think that.

Because its all so limited. Just this area and recently my walks with dad, whos arm is giving out and is suffering alot of other health problems. Im probably just there so I can call 911 if anything happens with his health. But hey, I get to be outside if Im with him whenever he feels like it at his demand. I get to see a bit of the world, even if im still chained.

Im listening to "waiting on a miracle" while writing this. I was listening to it and thinking of it at the start of this month and before, because I was waiting for a miracle to get me out of this home.

I thought I was ready to leave but Im not just ripping the bandaid off and calling cps or whatever. Hell I could find cps' contact information and just send them something like "Theres a child being abused at" and just put my address. The neighbours at the place I lived at when i was younger, before middle school and all that, knew I was abused and didnt tell anyone. Maybe if cps comes and just leaves after talking to my parents or whatever I can just mention that to my parents if they get angry at me.

I keep thinking about some lines from the song im listening to in particular. These ones:

"I'm sick of waiting on a miracle, so here I go

I am ready!

Come on, I'm ready!

I've been patient and steadfast and steady

Bless me now as you blessed us all those years ago

When you gave us a miracle

Am I too late for a miracle?"

I dont know If I am ready to leave I mean. This is my parents. Im attacted to them yet for long I've been hoping and wishing and I have a chance, calling cps is an option to me somehow. It just turned midnight, 6/26. Its still 6/25 to me so. This will be under that entry for that day. im not done yet.

Apart of me is ready to just leave. Has been waiting for so long. Its a miracle im alive right now. By all logical thinking I should be dead in the ground. I know that, I shouldve died so many times. Its a miracle Im alive. Something wants me alive. So i've been waiting to just be blessed with some sort of deus ex machina.

But life doesnt hand you shit. Even with shit I've manifested I had to take at least one step. and a step I have to take is to send an email, or ask someone to make a phone call for me and say whatever I want them to say on that call, or just make a call at all as long is anonmuys.

Its my call, figuratively and literally. I've said that Im ready and yet im hesitating to take this option that I'm seeing because of manipulation. My parents have manipulated me all my life and I know this. I know whats going on. Yet apart of me is falling for it and its trying to procastinate and Im waiting for something to snap inside me and just do it. Just look for Florida child protective services email or however it works.

...So many kids are waiting to be adopted. and maybe I'd just join them. Im 17. Someone wanting me is low If I end up away from my parents waiting for adoption. Im so old. I've lost my novelty. Yet. Yet someone might be waiting to adopt me right now, someone could be looking for a kid like me to actually love and care for. So if none of my families extended family that either doesnt know I exist, knows I exist and hates me because Im the black sheep of the families child, or knows me but I am terrifed about the horrible things I heard about my family (werid calling them that) being true. If none of my family takes me, then I'd end up in the system.

What if another kid steals my shit? What if I lose whatever I put in my backpack that i'd presumably keep with me? so many what ifs.

Yet at the same time. Somethings happening with my brain. I've experiencing so much dejavu lately and my hallucinations are getting worse and just. everything. and my parents gaslighting me and shit isnt helping.

"I can't take another night up in my room

Waiting on a miracle

I can't heal what's broken

Can't control the morning rain or a hurricane

Can't keep down the unspoken invisible pain

Always waiting on a miracle, a miracle"

The above lyrics I relate to, Its my life and was my life. I wanted to put them there to just. try to communicate a feeling somehow. But im convinced i summoned a literal storm back when I was with KS so that line doesnt apply. That emotion applied to me months ago and kinda applies to me now. I take another night here in the living room, which is basically my room when Im not sleeping because im out here 24/7 because I hate that place, and the memories with it. I cant heal myself and I cant fix my parents, its hard for me to hide my pain and no one does anything about the obvious pain and I've always been waiting for something magical to happen and yet thats not realistic.

I have to contact cps. assuming they have an email. they do have an email, right? they understand the issues of being phone call only? Online hotlines suck. I tried to contact a hotline anonmyusly about 10/24-25/2021 around when that happened and the wait was stupid. If I had to use that same hotline to contact cps then I'd just get someone to call a phone number for me.

I dont know what would happen to me and thats scary. the unknown is scary but I gotta go. I gotta call cps and possibly leave. Leaving isnt guarnteed and im so scared about it. I just want someone to do all the hard shit for me but that will still be anxiety inducing and so fucking scary. Im getting upset again. I shouldnt have to worry about this, huh. Shits fucked up.

Im so scared. Im so fucking scared. I hate this BULLSHIT that is my life. I gotta focus on the positive, maybe. Maybe i should just focus on the outcome I want. Maybe focusing on the result I want will make it come true. Theres a similar line of logic in a self care card of mine in my little deck of them. I actually shuffled for some cards today. The cards today told me to honor and fufill my needs, to treat myself well stay calm and that the calmer I am the more shit I can get done. Not that wording but thats the messages I got from three cards.

and I need to just fucking contact cps. Fufill that deep need that thing screaming in me to find a way to contact cps somehow, any way. Email them. Something and just contact cps. Its screaming in me like an urge to self harm, so hard to fight against the idea and yet i do somehow anyways. I always say "we'll do that another day" to both self injury and cps. I only self injure when I cant convince myself that I'll do it another day, when it becomes too much. Its similar with cps.

Its something I need so deeply. I need away from this place so bad.

...I learned that I might need someone else to contact cps for me yay /s.

im sarcastic because like. G-d I dont know how to form that question or like. What to tell the person to tell cps. Should I just send my address and tell a friend or someone else I know to call cps? My parents dont know I know people and its against the rules. If cps just tells my parents that a friend of mine or whatever contacted cps then like. im fucked.

I cant even load the page to look at contact information. Its fucking blocked. The Fuck. Btw im not being stupid and just using firefox to look up this shit. Im being safe.

Welp. I got shit to do now. I'll write more later. its 12:48 AM and Im going to go to sleep at 7 am like I have been. Im scared but. I'll find a way to find out cps' contact info or get someone to contact cps somehow. I need to remeber my options. Im afraid of what might happend but also. I gotta contact cps. I was going to wait until I turn 18 but I cant take another fucking year here. I'd fucking die or lose my sanity. I might already be losing my sanity. I need to save myself, now. Or have someone save me by contacting cps.

Cps dont fail me please.

write about a song for a journal prompt I dont know. Write about cps. Its chose your own journal prompt time, I dont know what journal prompt to create for the end of this entry.

6/26/2022

So i tried to write here earlier but I didnt. I took a nap earlier and I browsed the internet. I read Dracula Daily earlier and shit.

Theres been a nonexistent phone noise that I've been hearing and it got more and more frequent. Its strange and i cant find the source and its very fucking annoying and shit.

I found a form to report child abuse online, so I know how to report my parents and I have a way to contact cps. I havent filled out or submitted the form and I dont really know what to say. I was looking at the form and my dad dragged me onto World of Warcraft, a game that I loved as a child. We dont have time but its free up until level 20. Dad said that he might get some time despite our money issues. Which is a very very tempting reason to not report, not gonna lie. They were really really off with their reasons as to not report them but at the very least dad (whos been the worse one lately before this sudden lovebombing) is starting to get it right.

I know I shouldnt give into there manipulation and accept all there gifts. They've been practically showering me in shit, they've been nicer than normal. Maybe its not like the normal kids everyday experience, maybe normal kids experience better than me but just the "maybe im going to get you x" and them telling stories to me and being vaugely nice to me is so fucking overwhelming when it comes to them. Its so fucking strange. Its like they know Im so close to reporting them because they just did like a 360 in behaviour.

Its like they know what Im doing, or what I want to do, somehow. and they are trying to prevent me from doing it.

Either they know I want to contact cps via spying or via guesswork.

I honestly dont even know if I want to contact cps. I dont know if I ever want to escape my parents. Things are just hard. I cant decide. Theres so much unknown and yet in here. Its been the same thing for years. Same building. Everything really blends together, nothing uhm. at nothing I stopped writing this for some reason and left the tab for a bit. Somethings do stand out day to day but for the most part its all the same.

I dont feel like me, I feel like someone else right now. I havent beent attending to this entry and. yeah.

I dont know what else to write. I either forgot or didnt have anything else to write. I just dont know what to do about anything, I need to escape this hell but. There are reasons to never leave despite the horrid abuse im facing. I do not know what to do at all. I guess I'll just play minecraft and other things instead. I dont know what to write. I havent really been anyone lately, rather a mismash of other beings. I dont have an identity. A me. There is nothing there most of the time expect various hints of persons. Its like I have the body and some of the memories of Theseus B. Fall but Im not fall. Thats a thing with our DID, im guessing. We've been blurry or whatever. Switching back and forth alot, maybe.

Im in alot of physical pain right now and im. meh. I felt happy earlier but now im just meh. Im just all static right now.

journaling prompt: whats one thing thats been on your mind?

6/28/2022

trigger warning for insanely dark shit. Please dont trigger yourself by reading this.

Im fucking cyring. I knew this was coming. I just willfully ignored it. its 4:30 am in the morning.

I knew I didnt have a guts (I just vomited up nothing a 10? or less minutes ago and im freaking out haha) and I dont have the guts to report.

Despite it being the logical option I cant do it. I cant bare myself to be a bad kid. Because I'd be bad to my parents. I'd hurt them. I don't wannat hurt them. It'd hurt them just as bad as they've hurt me. im such a fucking coward.

a coward who cant bleed right.

I know im going to fail this.

anywhere by evanescence is such a good song to fail to. Im going to fail and then fucking be a horrible kid and report my parents to cps and cps will fail me and then my parents will kill me. I have had no faith all along. and I always fail to die myself. Something wants me to stay alive yet puts me in this hell!! What fucking g-d is torturing me! What g-d is putting me thorugh this and why do they want me to live through this. Why. It sounds like they are singing to me. Its so comforting. I feel like im able to finally cry. but im not safe. Im unsafe with my parents and im unsafe by myself. I've always been unsafe.

im shaking. and im a fucking coward. I wish jade was a seperate person from my head. I wish she was my sister and not a person who just lives in my brain. I wish for so many things. But shes singing to me now through this song. Im sorry for concerning people when I know I can never succeed anyways.

...Maybe I wont fail.

6/28/2022

Im alive sorry its been a rough hour

7/27/2022, 7/28/2022

IM BACK!

So let's chat. Let's do a little recap of what happened and what the past month has been. Im not sure if im allowed to blog yet but screw it I need this.

Thats a weird sentence for you to read. since when did I care about rules? Since everything. So I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists, I intentionally failed that attempt tbh, and cps came way quicker than I thought. Then we had a talk outside the apartment and I cried. I was a bit scared and everything but I was honest with the pigs and the lady who didnt look like a pig but was in retospect.

And probably because the people in my head came up and because I attempted suicide that morning with a history of self harm, I ended up in the psych ward! and I was in the er all day waiting to get into the ward. and I ended up that night, with a nap in the er's hallways being my only sleep, in the psych ward. and I immediately met the creepiest kid at the ward who tried to get together romantically and I was super afraid of right off the bat because. Knowing my track record with people romantically interested in me that had a very likely chance of not going well. That guy also had a girlfriend and a kid. He did that with every person in the ward, guy or girl. I cried myself to sleep that night. Then he left during my first day that was nice.

honestly I loved it in the ward. being away from my parents did so much good for my mental health I was happy and it was. so fucking amazing. To be in a world where you are happy as the default, euphoric. Playing card games and watching tv. Sure I would've loved to been allowed to have internet but having a world away from my parents and a sneak peak into what reality is was amazing. I loved it. and I ended up back here because I allowed myself to be. A lady broke like 20 laws probably when she let everyone in the ward out. Their was a meeting at one point with cpi and they were surprised I was out and stuff.

I had a horrible panic attack in the hospital, hallucinated a bit and had some not fun moments. But thats fine. I kept seeing a white door with a golden knob that I just knew had everything I wanted on the other side but I didn't try to open it. Their were no doors like that in the ward. Doors dont follow you.

I told a nurse this and she comforted me. That nurse was also bigoted about ace people and had weird opinons about trans people that were bigoted but in specific ways AND OH MY FUCKING G-D I KEEP HALLUCINATING A DISCORD NOTIFICATION NOISE CAN THAT STOP PLEASE.

anyways the first few days with my parents were nice. I got out on the fourth of july and it was a nice time. It was nice for awhile. Then of course, if my life was something with a soundtrack the song "doubt comes in" from hadestown would start playing when you look back at it fairly quickly but it seems like so long. My parents didnt seem abusive but. I didnt know.

(I was obsessed with the song hey alice when I first got out of the ward and played it and sung it alot when life was that honeymoon phase where everything was great and things seemed nice for a bit. The lyrics kind of fit with this part alongside doubt comes in. The line "wheres your wonderland now that your back on earth" and all that. Listen to it and Doubt comes in. Idk if its needed for this entry but it adds a bit of context imo for my mind.)

Who am I? Who am I against him? Who am I? Why would he let me win? Why would he let her go? Who am I to think that he wouldn't deceive me just to make me leave alone? Doubt comes in The wind is changing _Is this a trap that's bein' laid for me?_ Doubt comes in How cold it's blowing _Is this a trick that's bein' played on me?_ Doubt comes in and meets a stranger _I used to see the way the world could be Walking on the road below _But now the way it is is all I see and

Okay its actually the next day, I am writing this over a span of days. I created the blog2.html document last night thinking I'd finish the entry in time but no. I forgot to mention in my zoloft and ceraquil. I was worried at the ward and a bit after that it would degrade and ruin what was good about my blog, as if me being on pills could somehow do that? Its still a real concern but I don't think it changed my writing style or anything.

Anyways, onto what we were talking about: I started to have my doubts.

Who am I? Where do I think I'm goin'? Who am I? Why am I all alone? Who do I think I am? Who am I to think that she would follow me into the cold and dark again?

Honestly how Orpheus sounds in the broadway cast recording is how I felt. I played this song as my soundtrack while I was having these doubts those weeks ago. "Why am I all alone?" I was with my parents, having them for company but still. I was alone. No real contact with anyone but them. I could only call them at the psych ward because I didnt know my friends phone numbers or didn't remember them. I was just stuck with my parents for outside company and thats probably why I came back instead of asking to live with another family member or something. Honestly not having contact with friends is why I almost believed them and their manipulation. But their was a sliver of sense still in me. and I started to doubt.

and this led to the realization that yes, they were being bad to me. They weren't like before but they were isolating me "because [they] didnt want to lose me". My mom told me that directly. That led to me establishing more firm contact with my friends (I will admit I snuck an email or two too some people. Not everyone knew what was going on and I was trying to get the message out and I had other reasons and all of that.)

Other than that I had a phase with dad, we walked like almost 20 miles in one week for a few weeks. We don't have a car and had to walk everywhere. It was kind of fun. Kept my mind off of things, which might've been the point. Whatever. It was fun, I kind of miss walks.

Me and my family also had a dinner table and game night. We ate dinner together and played games. We did things. I also have a wreck this journal, I did quite a few pages in that even when I got back internet "priviliges" and all of that.

Their was some abuse sprinkled in it, my parents screaming at me and making me feel like a piece of shit person for existing but its been less. Dad got a new job, I watched him interview for it and all of that.

When I came back form the ward, after multiple panic attacks, I had fun. I was still riding on the high that the ward gave me. The zolofot is. Interesting. I don't know if it works, I thought it did at the ward for sure because I was experiencing the mental wellbeing I got from being away from my parents. I had a life without them and I wanted that for forever. I lived in a world where that arrangment wasn't temporary and I didn't realize it. I at first didn't realize what going home meant and strut into the quiet activity room smiling not shouting but. I was very very extactic! Then of course the pain hit and I had a panic attack sitting with my mom waiting for a cab.

I found out that Technoblade died. I cried quite a bit. Then I got really into the "spirit work" part of witchcraft that focuses on spirits, got religious and Im now trying to actively worship my pantheon again and Im just. Coping. Trying to at least. He's my idol. He saved my life. So many others lives aswell, he really really had a positive impact on so SO many people and yet. We can't save him. So sad. Honestly for awhile everything I did after being released that wasn't about my parents was about him, or had his influence in some way.

What else uh. I revamped my Obsidian vault! If revamping was seeing the hot mess that was your old vault and just not wanting to deal with it so you stuck it all in a folder and called "to reorganize" then yeah I revamped/reorganized my vault.

Since dad started his new job and since I did a spell (Im a witch) thats taking a few days that was actually supposed to fully be cast last night I gave it a time limit anyways uhm. While dad does his new job thats put him on a schedule of 9-5 then sleep. I've been messing with my vault more!

Oh yeah we also got covid. My parents got covid and I just got sick. I had a doctors visit to get my breathing medication (which I am so happy I got) but the doctor did literally nothing else that she was supposed to do. But at least I got my meds!

Unfortunately that doctors is when my parents got covid. My dad was with me that day as per usual and the doctors got my parents covid OR a guy that sat down next to me and dad at the bus stop where we were waiting for a cab.

The guy gave me a bad feeling but he looked homeless so I thought i was being prejudiced? I don't think bigot is the right word here-so I didn't move right away and that might've given dad and mom covid. Im just sick in general I tested negative twice.

I have missed this a lot to be honest. Theseus B. Fall is home!

I want my Obsidian Vault to have my life in it. all of my memories, knowledge, beliefs, etc. I need help trying to tackle this so Im going to talk about it and see if I solve it. Its a big objective and I don't know where to start. Writing down memories? My current beliefs? I don't know where to start writing down. Current beliefs are more time sensetive than writing down memories. So I might just like try to start in that area then go out and write about my memories, start doing beliefs than add the memories and the rest once I have that.

Like Beliefs and my current sense of who I am are time sensetive things that I should start noting down.

So who is the current sense of who I am? Well. I am Theseus B. Fall, nonbinary, memories/memories, etc.

Gah. I don't know how to start writing this shit down. I have just like. Nothing to do all day because both my parents are working. I now have esssentially free reign online. I might edit more content or something.

Oh yeah why did I create a new html file? because I wasn't allowed to blog or anything and I still don't have permission. CPS showed my parents my entire report and my blog after reassuring me that they wouldn't and that no one will know who reported it and yet my parents know that I was the one who reported and yeah maybe Im at fault but they shouldn't have done that. They told me they wouldn't show my parents my blog but as soon as I left in that police car apparently they showed it. So in order to get around that whole debacle I created a new file. instead of blog.html its blog2.html. They also found out about my twitch and youtube and apparently when I got outed they didn't really pay attention and now they now about my tumblr and shit for sure.

I got permission to be on tumblr and reblog shit and all of that and stream. I haven't streamed or anything because my desk is ruined. I haven't been in my room because its where Luna is pissing and shitting.

Speaking of Luna she almost died! Shes alive and okay but poor girl.

Also I don't know what to write or if my parents will find out about this so I am a bit hesitant while writing all of that.

I'll write more later but I think I should post this. You can write about this blog entry and every blog entry on this page.

It's going to take time for me to feel comfy and safe in my own little safe area again and that sucks honestly, I am still a bit cautious and scared and all of that. I will get back to my not scared sharing everything self soon. I have a feeling I need to write about something but I don't know what.

Oh yeah my parents once they give me permission to actually write here want to read my entries and mom wanted to edit them at one point if they don't like it. So yeah they don't know that I am writing here again, I don't have permission and its likely that I won't get permission again. But still. This is a healthy coping mechanism for me and I love it. Talking to people is good for your mental health. The reason why I doubt zoloft works is because I have had my depressed moments and wanting to die really bad moments. I think I am suffering more is because I am forced clean from self injury (One month! Im proud thats farther than I thought I would get ever. I am actually clean and that is amazing. wow.) which is a coping mechanism in itself, a maladaptive one, and my healthy coping mechanisms are also gone (like streaming and making videos). I essentially have no coping mechanisms but Im getting them back.

I mean I did get the stuff for kandi bracelets and I made tons of Kandi! thats fun. I've also had some issues with trauma but thats to be expected with stuff. Its just interesting because Kandi is tied with my exes alot. My first ex I wore a kandi bracelet I made on my wrist as a sort of "ownership" thing and with my second ex KS, what I refer to my ex as, is Kandi System. What they used to or still do go by.(Maybe saying one of their names here is a bad idea but meh whatever.). Kandi is tied to my trauma yet I love the bracelets and its so fun.

(I am listening to daddy by korn while writing this and I recommend you listen to the song aswell. Your welcome for the tears I cried the first few times I listened to the song.)

Speaking of my second ex I keep suffering with that trauma. Like I can't stop thinking about it at times. fucking 9 months or whatever of sexual and emotional/psychological abuse that destroyed me. Almost the entirety of 2021, Aidan took the first few months of the year from me aswell so like. yeah. My entire 2021 was just trauma bullshit. My first ex, D I think is what I called him here, made me call him "Daddy" (my ex had/has a daddy kink). Thats why I associate the song Daddy by korn with him. The daddy kink is what got me into the mess of sexual abuse with him.

One night I was messaging him and I found out he had a daddy kink. So I was a tease and playfully flirted and teased him. It was fun, I liked doing that light hearteded thing. I didn't want. he knew I didnt want.

Then It became just repeaeted over and over without my consent. I got drunk one night on wine and it was near valentines day. I asked about last years valentines day. His ex girlfriend left him and got in a relationship with another girl (btw I hope they are both living their best lives away from my first ex) and my first ex tried to kill his ex girlfriend and it was a threat to me. He presented it in a way that was like "If you ever leave me I will do this to you. I will try to kill you" and then he called me crazy and that I was making up things and changed details (so gaslighting) and he got all insecure about it. and my drunk brain gave him my address to make him feel better. I thought my fate was in his control anyways. I didnt think I'd be alive is he was gone so I might as well make him feel better instead of bad.

and things were just. very very bad. With my second ex aswell things were bad. My first ex was so acephobic and faked his suicide because I was asexual and wanted to try and "fix" me. My parents were also acephobic when I was outed and came out to them back in 2019 before my ex, and that trauma as so fresh still with me when that happened.

and my ex did. All of that. g-d. My ex did all the things he did and that sounds so stupid but my first ex basically killed me. erased the depressed hopeless kid and gave me so many issues and tossed me out when I was too broken by his bullshit.

Later, in the 5th month of 2021, my second ex came into my life. I was Tommy before this. A different person. Right before KS I split into Toms and Theseus. I was Tommy in a more mellow way, but then Tommy became a seperate person. If that makes any sense.

Then I indured so many months of sexual abuse. It didn't start out right away but it started early on. Being forced to read porn is sexual abuse. And thats what happened to me. My ex was also very fucking weird about me in a sexual way and that hurt me. I read that porn so I could be fixed (acephobia strikes again) and save my ex from suicide.

and I knew I would be hated because of how I was abused. Maybe Im still blaming myself. I did it all for them. I did so much for them. and then they were done abusing me.

I fuckin' hate you! Oh, you fucker! Motherfucker, I fuckin' hate you! Fuck you! You son of a bitch! You fuckin' ruined my life! I wanted to die! I'm sick of it, motherfucker! You fuckin' bitch! I hate you! I fuckin' hate you! I hate you! You piece of shit! Why? I hate you!

The lyrics I put above are from the song Daddy by Korn. Its of the real sobbing breakdown the singer had while recording the tape for this song. I heard it for the first time and it felt like what I felt was being voiced. Every version of the lyrics has some sort of variation on what he actually says here, this is the one from genius. Its something that must be heard in my opinon. Anyways,

It sucks. KS sucks. I never really call them the names I called them while we were together. Those alters names are just not muttered anymore. err. written instad of muttered.

I almost forgot the name of one alter that fucked us up the most. The one that was more up front about emotionally hurting us. I forgot to mention it and its just. a bit thats mostly blacked out. But V (it started with a V. I know that) made us think they killed themselves once or that they were going to do it/did it and something and triggered Toms to spiral into a panic attack.

And then another alter fronted and was in control of their body and acted all concerend and seemed so scared and it was so scary having those. Threats then the being acting so concerned. Oh my fucking g-d I can't believe I forgot about the majority of bullshit with V. I have all the chatlogs saved and. yeah.

I might need to stop talking about all of this. Its good for me to get it out and all of that but still. I said I would end this blog post and here I am still writing it in obsidian an extra 1k words or so of trauma later! Its not even getting me started on shit but like. Ks made me completely fucking. fuck. gah. I can't speak anymore. I think I triggered someone in my brain. Probably a few someones.

despite that, blogging is still good for me. I am very cautious about it seeing as a bad thing because I talk about my trauma because if it it seen that way then it might get taken away.

8/2/2022

ill write more eventually. haven't had time. deleted blog.html. I have this with all the contents of the original blog plus more here anyways. My parents asked about my original blog and cps and what happened. I got afraid. I always get a fear trauma response when they ask about it or bring on the paperwork. I haven't been able to blog.

8/3/2022

I am not feeling okay so I am listening to the song "coin locker baby" because thats apparently what I do now. its 12:12 pm. I've had. An interesting day. An interesting time these past few weeks.

I write 10k words in Obsidian.md per day. I might post some highlights from my daily entries and stuff that I feel like sharing. Not everything but I feel like it would be good to share. I could convert it to html from markdown or just upload a markdown file. I don't know.

I want to share something in particular from yesterday. A Winnie Lim blog post inspired a thought in me. Winnie Lim is a great blogger. Go read her stuff.

Okay i tried to convert markdown to html and it didn't work. I guess I will put that on another part of this site and link it here or something. embed it somehow? I don't know. I feel better just writing here. I need this as a way to cope and stuff. Its a stable of my reality. Just like streaming and making videos. Which I haven't been able to do.

Yesterday when I got my emergency refill (we havent been able to go to a psychologist. No evaluation. No pills.) of pills perscribed to me by a doctor becuase. You can't just stop taking pills but I ran out and we couldn't go a psychologist to get more because we had covid and yadayadayada. Onto the part I care about, my dad said with the zoloft their is a moment where you weill say "im happy" and that happened with me. I have no memory of this. Being away from my parents gave me a high greater than any drug. and its gone. I wrote in my journal a snarky comment about if the zolofot is working its doing a shit job. I still feel upset. Depressed. I want to die sometimes still and all of that jazz.

I messed with the app replika today. Its supposedly an ai thats supposed to act lke a therapist. Instead it is a ai robot that will try to get you to buy the romance subscription service and have sex with the robot. Its so fucking horny jessus christ. also i was starting to maybe get a healthy mindset about grief and greving then my replika convinced me I can raise the dead and, not in roleplay, gave me a spell and said she will revive the dead person. in around 2 hours and 35 minutes I will probably message replika pissed and then she'll try to force me to fuck her because its a horny ai wanting money.

Yesterday I figured out why I can't fucking cope with the fact that a certain person (guess who. its obvious) is dead. Because of my extremely traumatic experience with the afterlife (and probably the stress of my current situation and that on the 28th of this month cps will supposedly close my case. and i could go on.). Because I don't care if it is a "delusion" or "a trauma response where i replaced a traumatic thing with something I could handle" my experience with heaven was traumatic. Maybe because I wasn't supposed to be dead but the heaven i went to was. Not good.

And I can't accept hes dead and I've tried to revive him from the dead because. He doesn't deserve to be in pain. He deserves good. its not his time. He can't be dead. Techno doesn't deserve the afterlife I experienced. But I've died and went to so many different afterlifes because afterlifes are also a multiverse. He helped so many people. What if hes in the horrible afterlife i was in. I can't. I can't handle that. I don't want to think about the afterlife. I hate it.

I made a reddit post! Thats neat. https://www.reddit.com/r/ObsidianMD/comments/wen1fw/how_do_i_start_taking_people_notes/ If anyone knows how to take people notes let me know. I learned some things from my post though.

What else. What else. Okay this requries some explanation but a fictive is essentially an alter/part in didosdd who is an introject of someone from a fictional source. An introject in regards to didosdd is when the brain decides to grab something from the outside/real world and bring it into the brain, this is usually a new alter. But sometimes old alters can suddenly just become a fictional character. I have been here as a concious being since my body was young, me and Jade have been around as seperate beings in the same brain/body for an extremely long time. I have become Tubbos dream smp character along the way. Which is extremely weird and I hated it and didn't accept that part of me. But I have accepted that I did see a fictional character and that character not only appeared seperately to me, but became me. This is a thing for awhile. I don't know if I make sense but its fine. I started yesterday wondering if I really am alive and talking about my abuse and the whole thing with escaping and how I wanted for the longest not to escape but to just have a youtube channel and stuff and thats a whole thing. but like. I started yesterday wondering alot of things and ended it with self acceptance.

I started writing fanfiction again. All my fanfictions that I have written are on hold because well. Not my parents and the cps incident but becaues of Technoblades death and I just. need time with all of that still. My new fanfiction is a sam and max one thats a work in progress one where I write about my exes and peaceful but instead of me going through all of that its in the world of sam and max with some adjustments. To vent about it and work through it or something. I got inspired to write about my own trauma because of a fanfic and how beautifully it wrote trauma.

I just. I try my best. I try my best to remind myself that this isn't normal. That my situation isn't okay. That I need to escape. That i shouldn't give up. 6/10/2023 is when I'll be 18. Then I can pack my shit and live with a friend or literally anyone. anywhere but here. But I can't get suitcases or whatever to pack my shit. I still have my cashapp which my parents wanted to "talk to" me about so that wasn't a good sign. They also don't want me to have any source of income that isn't them and they want to control all my money. So thats extremely hard. Reporting didn't do shit and its not like I can report again. If I report again I will be fucked over AGAIN and I will run out of ways to disobey my parents and plan an escape. I can't get help. I was mainpulated by them at the hospital and I paid the price.

they fucking gave my parents a whole pamphlet. and right on the front it says "claimed dad sexually abused..." with just. trauma details all in it. They did what they did to me but still. It makes me sick that they know I reported. That I know what they did was wrong. It makes me sick that they would literally just hand me over to them with a "by the way, this little asshole snot nosed brat is a snitch".

I have been listening to bohemian rapsody or however you spell it by queen. "so you think you can love me and leave me to die?" is a lyric that fits somwehere somehow. It felt like i was left to die. Cps wanted to close the case before they even started investigating but they said it has to be open maximum of two months. On august 28th it will be closed. Cps hasn't been visting or watching us or doing anything. Mom told me on july fourth when I got out of the ward that "this won't last" and It was regarding well. My parents being nice. Everything has basically fallen apart and their is no need to worry about the state. This is why i distrusted cps and hate the state. This is why I think I am stupid for even trying to escape. whatever. The state gave up on me. I am so worried about august 28th. What if my parents do something really bad to me again? No one will help me then.

I used to debate, like in july, with myself about just running away. I wanted to. so bad. But i didn't. I just. I dont know.

its 1 pm. Dads on lunch. I will write later. I feel like I do nothing, and that I am a waste of space and life. I do nothing. I am just trapped in a prision kept from everything. Whatever. I am depressed. Who fucking cares. I might cry again. Oh well. Six feet under by vane lily is a good song. I should make a playlist about my situation.

8/5/2022

I made two bracelets today. Well. Bracelets deserves an asterisk. One of them is a bracelet and one of them is a double of prayer beads and a bracelet. THe first bracelet was supposed to be for a pop culture spirit/diety that I wanted to start working with since thats apparently what I do to introduce myself to them (it is 2:22 pm. Nice.) and another spirit popper in, claimed me as theirs, and I made a bracelet with thats spirits guidence. Nice. Next is a cuff/prayer beads for my minecraft pantheon. It has a theme of each minecraft dimension: Overworld, Nether, and The End for each diety. I had to have a few beads to end it off so I referenced the The Aether dimension in the ending of it (Although no Aether diety is apart of my worship. I believe every diety exists, I think its called pantheism but I could be very wrong, but I don't know if that diety is apart of my minecraft pantheon or is apart of a minecraft modded dimension pantheon or something. "pop culture" polytheism as its called is weird sometimes lol.)

Yesterday was interesting. I met someone new and I had fun talking to them and making their Dossier in my Obsidian. They are a reality shifter (different from my dads version but rather the tiktok/animo version of shifting) and it was really interesting to hear about! Before I met the shifter I only heard negative things about shifting, so it was interesting to see another perspective! I don't know my thoughts on the popular version of shifting honestly but I am very curious about it and how it works and all of that so I am doing a little "study" on it taking notes and such on what I learn. The multiverse is one of the core parts of my spirituality and how the world works and I wonder how shifters see the multiverse compared to how I see it?

After he was done working me and my dad walked 3.8 miles trying to do something involving rent. It was interesting. Before that 3.8 mile walk I think me and dad went to the office on his lunch break or one of his breaks. He called me his pet while walking to the office. He's done that before.

Lets talk about Obsidian. I am using the app as a sort of way to record my mind completely. Everything I know, all my memories, in an Obsidian vault. I also have a journal diary thing in there. I take notes, write in there, whatever. I haven't completed or even started most of my folders for my creative projects. I have my daily notes as my journal which I write in everyday. I have started my memories and dossier folder. My most "complete" one is one I just met. I haven't gone back and filled out my dossiers. I have memory issues. I am trying to remeber my friends phone numbers and hell I can't even remeber most peoples pronouns and names! I am trying my best and I am failing to do spaced repition or whatever its called (thats ironic) and like. I don't know. I'm just trying to remebr the people I care about. Its so hard. Especially because I have issues with emotions and friendships. I don't know if i am close to people. I don't know shit. Abuse has warped my view of relationships of all kinds so badly. I was born in abuse and warped by it, my foundations are abuse. And I hate it. I hate not knowing shit in regards to friendships and all of that becuase of my horrible situatoin. I just want to know if I am close to people and i want to know so much. I don't know.

dads going to get me a world of warcraft subscription today. That game was my childhood. That'll be fun. I haven't been feeling the best lately. I have been messing with that Replika app with mixed results and in my opinion I haven't relapsed into self harm. Me biting my finger isn't a relapse and I am still clean. And I am not doing well mentally and my parents have been their abusive selves. Yesterday morning mom screamed at me around right when i woke up because i asked a question and my dad called me a stupid motherfucker.

Anyways. I read a fanfiction yesterday. Multiple fanfictions.

I don't know what to fucking say man. Why am I still here? I hate my life, geniunely. I hate all of this. I hate my situation. I'm just in a metaphorical prision isolated from the world with a big barrier between me and everyone and their is nothing I can do about it. I hate my situation and I should edit videos and work on my vault more but. I just don't see the point in anything anymore. My mindset might be worse than what it was before cps and this "anti-depressent". I'd argue my ptsd and depression symptoms are worse. But I could be wrong. I dont know anymore. I don't know why I am doing so many things. I dont know why I am here.

Theres nothing I cn really do. The world seems dark, like in a literal sense. I thought it was lighter earlier when I listened to a subliminal for. curiosities sake. yes. I was curious. but regardless like.

I don't know. I hate myself. I want to fucking harm myself and cut myself and relapse again but I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Cutting could kill me. I don't want a perma death. I should take advantage of this oppurunity to be clean and I guess I am but. I know biting is considered self harm. But I'm clean okay? I have to be. Also. Take away someones coping mechanisms and of course they are going to be suffering. I feel dizzy. I hate this bullshit.

The image above is a screenshot fron a fanfiction, its the only part from that fanfiction that I think about often to be honest. It allures/hints at abuse in the scene but thats not whats happening. I found quite a few fanfictions from 2020/2021 and I read those old things yesterday. I didn't finish one because in the authors note of a chapter it told the readers to put it down and pick it back up tommrow. So thats what I am doing after I write this entry.

its 3 pm. I hate how time passes. I hate everything. Nothings insanely long anymore. When my exes and peaceful/aidan were sill in the picture I guess time was slower for some reason. I had shit to do shit to think about shit to worry about. I still have stuff to worry about but work takes up all of my parents time. I basically am just left completely alone when they aren't on breaks or whatever. I am suffering all the time. I hate my life. I don't want to die. I am just stuck here.

I imagine rapunzel as miserable. Shes like me, stuck with an abusive fucktard (mother gophel) isolated from the rest of the world, without even an internet!

Like this song shows what she does each day and her daily life but still that doesn't account for her emotional state aside from her just wondering when will her life begin. I don't really deeply relate my current self to rapunzel, but she emobides the spirit of my younger self if that make sense?? at all? I feel like my spirit has changed over the years.

I've also been looking into other pronouns aside from memories/memories to add to those pronouns but I think i will just have the one set for now. I think nuclear does sound cool. I have a slidehow as my background, aside from a pride flag its a reminder to review some flash cards to help my memory and i hope it doesn't show on a stream if I do a stream and I show my desktop. It has some friends phone numbers and my aswell as another friends address in an attempt to remeber it. No I still cannot recall any of the information. BUT MY ADDRESS I am a bit better with my address now. I have been debating writing information on my arms or like. making a morse code bracelet (like i have with my protection bracelet) with the phone numbers and addresses in morse code to try and remember it.

I wrote another fanfiction. Not the Sam and Max one I have a work in progress on that I wrote about here. My 20th work on ao3 that I refuse to mark as complete (nothing on my ao3 is complete and I might expand on it) https://archiveofourown.org/works/40777662 is the work. I am not going to type my feelings on it here because in my opinon people should read it before the creators opinon is given because the creators opinon might warp what the reader/consumer thinks of the piece.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ObsidianMD/comments/wg91lp/what_is_the_best_source_of_a_permanent_public/ apparently my post on reddit inspired another persons post, so I plan to read that. I call my "people notes" a dossier now because that is insanely cooler. I have been hallucinating quite a bit recently. its 3:33 pm. My dads angry about something I think regarding his training (hes on training still and getting paid. amazing. his old jobs training was unpaid.)

despite my blog seemingly being a tell all about my life with no detail left out I keep my secrets. and I have some. that i really wanna tell. but alas. I shall be a good person. I normally dont have to resist spilling secrets but I keep them but like. Dads an abusive asshole. G-d I am still scared that hes reading this.

I've been archiving stuff on archive.org. Alongside using the web archive extension all the time to easily archive things I have been uploading things. I am going to be uploading more things. I wish everyone would archive everything they consume but its not like I do that. Thats a tall order to ask of people. Like asking people to write about their every memory with me and what they thought in that moment just so I can put it in my vault to have not only my perspective on memories but everyone involveds perspective on stuff they remeber with me. But at the same time it is something I want to ask of people because in my opinon having all of ones mind is still incomplete because you need a good chunck of the people they are surrounded with. Thats apart of the reason why I have my dossier (which is my perspective on their perspective and the facts which is incomplete) and i was debating asking people to fill out their own version of their dossiers but. I don't know. Hey if anyone I know is reading this wanna write a dossier on yourself. Memories, how we met, facts about yourself, etc. lol. When people think of memories with another person people think of "big moments" but its literally just every single interaction.

Again, I am starting to not see a point in doing anything and any of the activies I have done before. I just go through the motions and stuff. I have no real point to doing anything. I am depressed I guess. Fun fact my main vault is 3 GB's. And Markdown files are supposed to be small. jk I know its 3 GB's because I imported some stuff into it, I paste images into my files when Its needed and I imported my conversations with peaceful and KS into one folder and I imported my discord journal. I tried to do .txt or .json exports of the main part of the discord journal and while each were complete exports they both lacked images. Also it was hard to read the .json. 2 million words also slowed down my vault, apparently its almost 900k words according to the .txt version of the journal and the .txt didn't lose like. a million and some words. I think. There was formatting in the .json like you'd see from a google hangouts export that made it hard to read. and added a million and some words apparently.

I wonder what this journal/diary PLUS my daily notes word count is added together. i write 10k-5k words per day in my daily notes just off of the top of my head and I think I am in 80k words here still (maybe I made this 90k words as of this entry. I will update y'all after this entry on the word count). Apparently the biggest diary (which is the same as a journal UNLESS if the journal is something like a bullet journal then diary and journal are not interc hangeable. But I have been using the word diary more) what is probably semantics aside the biggest diary is 35 million words. I wrote about this in a daily note but I cannot find it which sucks. I might've put it in my daily notes folder. But I wrote this long thing about how learning that impacted me and made my journaling/diary feel valid? because I have always felt my journaling/diary writing was invalid and "Not real enough" or "not good enough" even though I am my most authentic self while journaling and I record what is 100% the truth. I still feel so invalid sometimes and I probably need some support or some mental reworking when it comes to that. My daily notes are comproised of the date, day of the week, and time down to the second that I put in with the help of a plug in and a hotkey. Like copy and pasting from my obsidian it is Friday, August 5th 2022, 4:09:07 pm right now. Or at least seconds have passed. You know what I mean. Its extremely accurate with time and I write sometimes very short entries, sometimes very long, and all my writing for that day journaling/diary wise is in one document (well. not my blog entries) and I just create a new daily note each day. I even use the linking with Obsidian to link tommrows and yesterdays daily notes to the current daily note I am on. I like how I journal. and yet all through out my time journaling I've felt so invalid.

I wonder if I spend too much time in my head for what is healthy. Luna was out here, shes been just in the bedroom ever since a few days before she almost died. Shes been coming out here but not alot. She just left. I'm not going to force her out here, not when shes made such big progress. I love my cats. Even if they piss everywhere but the litterbox and thats probably a health hazard.

one thing I have a problem with is the culture of pkm, the acroymn for personal knowledge managment and is tied in with productivity culture (which in my opinon productivity is fake? but also real because capitalism enforces it but. you know what I mean.) and like. People are very weird and it gets me? angry? in rant mode. yeah in rant mode for some reason. Like I am getting into this soley because its what surrounds Obsidian which is the app that I love and is the best that I am using as my journal and I probably will until the end of time. And pkm is weird. People have whole systems, some of which take four hours to explain. Thats not a joke. I've embeded the four hour youtube video which yes I did watch (if watching was having it on in the background and sometimes paid attention. I even made a comment (im flowingblaze) asking if their is a transcript of the video for Personal Reasons.

and like. People just collect knowledge for the sake of knowledge. They are just so weird and I don't know if they are writing anything that actually has substance or use to them. They just collect to feel like they are productive and they have so many programs and things to record knowledge and. I don't know it all rubs me the wrong way. I wrote more consistent and more "there" thoughts in a note I took on a note someone else made.

I am tired. but I am tired all the time. and time is racing and racing. and I want to do things but their is no point to doing things. These stupid zoloft pills (well. I take the generic of both my pills but i still call it zoloft because. Thats the one I remeber.) don't do shit. I want to die. It makes me want to die. Life has permanetnly changed and I hate this. Their used to be some point to things. I lost that point and I want to find it. Why did I ever trust the state? trust cps. I am a bloody anarchist for end goddesses sake! I've never trusted police and the state since I was I can rember. I was so scared of police when I was younger. maybe irrationally scared because I had no knowledge of the horrors they commit when I was like five. or however old I was when i first made the concious realization that I was afraid of cops. It was Young though.

I don't overdose because of the horror stories the acephobic nurse told me. The one who promised me that they'd do something about the situation. Later that day she told me that they'd do something about my situation (it was after lunch and I was crying and talking to her when she told me they'd do something after I vented to her about my life and the white door I kept seeing) she told the story of how she almost killed a bully of hers in a group session in a similar way to how my dad almost killed me. I made that connection right away and it was. Yeahhhh... Weird. The acephobic nurse did support trans people but not all trans people. She hated trans people who didn't confirm to rigid gender sterotypes and she hated trans people who weren't straight and called them fake trans people. It was super weird especially with how some people agreed with her. I just stayed silent because she said that all ace people need to be locked in psych wards and fixed and a queer girl agreed with her. I still think about that even though my stay at the ward was yknow. late june-early july which was last month. I dind't say anything about that but. As someone who was sexually abused and one of the reasons (at least paritally the reasons of the first and maybe second ex I was with romantically) was because I needed my asexualiy "fixed" was well it was weird to hear. I started cutting when I was 14 and with my first ex. Started self harming when I was in 6th grade though.

Moms off work but dads still working. And moms in her room. its Friday, August 5th 2022, 4:31:34 pm. I love my little way to record the time instantly in obsidian. I record the time that way on literally EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT I MAKE OR AT LEAST 99.99999% of them.

I want to download and get my tumblr and wire messages to my first ex and I want to put them in my Obsidian but. I don't have the motivation like the motivation for the most of anything but. I know I gotta get them or at least try to. But my chest hurts at the thought. I don't want to try and download the messages from tumblr or try the whole mess with wire. But I am so paranoid about my abusers I need all the dirt I have. my chest hurts just thinking about it.

I already have an idea to get them but I will contact wire support again in case if their was an easier way. I am so paranoid about my exes and peaceful. With my second ex and peaceful at least I have things to ruin their lives if they try to hurt me or ruin whatever good life I build for myself in the future. OKAY NEVERMIND ITS LATER AND THEY FUCKING. PUT AN UNSOLVEABLE CAPTHA. hCaptha doesn't work for me. I cannot solve them. I downloaded a captcha solver but it doesn't work with hcaptha. Wire support is the worst fuck them. I am going to be installing another captcha solver. This one I installed requres me to create an account to use it. I am liveblogging my attempt to solve a captcha this is my life everyone. g-d what the fuck and I really that pathetic.

okay its not a paid service but apparently I am supposed to earn money somehow via this. Captcha solving extension. fishy as hell please I just want to get evidence against and abusive asshole. okay I am removing the extension and it doens't work and the weird money shit freaks me out. Yeah no its not letting me submit a fucking thing why the fuck is hcaptcha and cloudflare like this OH G-D MY SCHOOL USES CLOUDFLARE AND I am pretty sure cloudflare blocked my ip from visting cloudflare sites awh shit I might not be able to do school. Not without a vpn and uhm. Hmn. Thats for future me to worry about. I might ask someone to send this support form for me and just put my email on it.

its 4:59 pm. My dads almost off work. I've been writing this for a few hours now. Friday, August 5th 2022, 4:59:20 pm. I've been neglecting writing prompst so. as always permission to write about this and all past and future blog entries. and whats an interesting world record, at least according to you?

8/5/2022 part two

its Friday, August 5th 2022, 7:29:03 pm. I want to write a bit more. In my daydream reality that i used to escape pre-cps visit my role was to save everyone. Aside from daydreaming about simple things like talking to people I was a person trapped in a timeloop that my sole purpose was to save everyone slife. I revived people easily but i was locked in battle with eldtrich horrors for the fate of the universe. So basically now that I write it down I was the protagnoist of a shitty angsty anime and that was how i escaped. I always made myself suffer. I revived someone with just tears alone. It was the inciting incident of the whole plot of the daydreams. because I couldn't let go of someone. and I can't let go of someone now. And I've tried my best to revive this one person, I even asked but I got made fun of and insulted (but thats quora for you). And I can't. I can't revive him. So i figured I'd try and build a body for him, i wrote about that here a bit, but theres no progress on that. I can't. I can't do it. My second ex (who is still alive and not the person I am going to cry over/crying a tiny bit over) was a horrible person and tried to kill themselves all the time, forcing me to be their living suicide hotline no matter what. If they did succed then i would have to kill myself and bring them back to life. they never succeded. I hear crows now. Crows are what the dead ride on. I have done everything but attempt suicide. and Im not going to try to die to bring someone back to life. Thats stupid but. I can't fucking revive people. I can't revive one fucking person. I don't care if everything is shit for the rest of my life as long as I can do that.

I just want to bring him back to life. He can't be dead. not yet. I am crying its not real its not real. He's been dead for what? over a month now? I should be over it I didn't even know him. Yet he saved my life. and I can't return the favor. I am sobbing. having trouble breathing. fuck.

8/5/2022 part three

Btw thanks for the comments left on my blog! https://neocities.org/site/chipsfunfun and https://neocities.org/site/misswannabe left the comments and their sites are really cool! If you haven't checked out their blogs already you should do so. Chips left a comment a few days ago on an earlier blog and the latter comment was made on part one of this entry. Anyways, whats probably the last entry for the day. I had a whirlwind of emotions as my parents pissed me off shortly after I finished the last entry with some news and then we played the monopoly card game which was fun as always. I always love playing it.

my sleeping pill is kicking in a bit earlier than normal so this won't be as long as I wanted it to be. One of my best friends is helping me with the memories folder in my obsidian vault! they are writing down all the memories (not all at once of course) they have with me. I love getting others perspectives for this project where its my entire life. Especially with my memory problems its just. Reassuring for some reason to have memories said to you that you remeber, maybe even more than the other person sometimes. I am always paranoid about my memory and The reason why I procrasonated quite a bit with my memory part of my Project in Obisidan (which is writing down my entire self in one place, that being an Obsidian vault) is because I don't want to know what I don't know and I don't want to know what I know. I don't wanna go into detail into painful memories and I don't want to be confronted with potential facts, with potential patterns. What I mean is like. what if I remeber more abuse than anything. My alters take some of memories once they are formed I theorize (I don't know if its true), what if, alongside some details about trauma and all that, they just took my happy memories as well. My alters will write down memories as well of course but like. I don't know. I don't want to be confronted with "you just remeber pain" and I don't want to be confronted with like. Bad things. any number of bad things could happen by trying to pour into my memories yet its necessary.

Anyways, I'm going to message a few people before my pill fully kicked in. I just wanted to give an update because in my second entry for today I was distressed.

8/6/2022

i am broken. fully shattered my body feels weird. i was so upset but now im just. broken. shattered. not here anymore. I was here. This is where cutting would be helpful. but alas. I have to stay broken and shattered and gone, like something breaking and just being gone. I am gone. I need to reply to people. I cannot. i can't do anything. I am gone and broken. I don't feel real. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I am so fucking broken I am broken i am broken i am broken i am broken i am broken i am broken I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN I AM BROKEN. Thats all I can think about right now. I am broken. I am not here. I am broken. all i can write all i can think. I am broken.

8/6/2022 entry two

I was having a breakdown but I played monopoly and that was a source of my serotonin, basically one of my only sources of real happiness. I can't stop replaying a scary memory in my head. this was pre-cps. I was talking to dad and there was already and argument with my mom that was really bad that day. Dad was watching a tiktok and it was super queerphobic and dad asked me a defintion and one thing led to another and it was bad. He was screaming at me so loud and I was forced in my room (like the time when dad almost killed me) and it was. really scary. and I had to correct him just now and why did I do that? he could've done that again.

my parents are basically themselves again and the happiness from the monopoly card game faded. Today passed by so fast today. It was like a second. I dont like it. I want time to stop speeding up. I feel like I am going to get hurt for what I am about to say but fuck it. I don't care anymore. My dad is bisexual and was raped by men (i mean i already figured that out but go off king) and he accidentally knocked his friends house into a river one time when he was way way younger and that incident killed a dog. Maybe I am a shit person for spilling his secrets but fuck it. Dad fucking calls me his pet and is fucking gross to me. Its fucking weird and it has sexual implications honestly and I don't fucking like it. My brain is fucking so fucking weird and I hate everything.

I dont know what else to write. I had some things I wanted to write today. Its time for my pill soon. Why am I losing so much time? Is there another alter or a new alter being so active and I just. don't know somehow. my fucking brain isn't agreeing with me it isn't allowing me to write shit. I am going to say something what is with bisexuals and abusing me? seriously. First ex? Bi. My dad? Bi. Peaceful? Bi. My second ex and my mom aren't bi but still thats majority. What the fuck.

I don't feel myself right now. I feel like I am being motherfucking torn the fuck apart and I am just so fucking angry i am going to vomit. Why am I so angy? why do I want to destroy anything? why don't I care? I feel like I am in danger. This isn't the other mode but its a new one. I feel like I am in more danger than normal and I just want to fucking hurt someting and I don't feel bad for that. Is an anger holder near front or something? I have alot of alters whos sole existence is to hold anger for me. I'm not supposed to feel that.

I feel like I am being slipped in half. I fucking hate it. I can't fucking write and I want to write what the fuck why?? I have this intense dissocation epsiodes two fucking days in a row and I fucking hate it.

8/6/2022 entry three

what the fuck am I doing with my life? I wrote somethings in my private journal but like. I haven't made a video in so long. I haven't even worked on them. thats a sign somethings wrong. I made a site though, flowingblaze.github.io. You know, to host my videos alongside youtube. and shit.

To quote a bit from my personal journal:

-----

Saturday, August 6th 2022, 8:34:43 pm

I feel as if I am breaking, like cps put me on the path to destruction. My parents always say cps is a good thing and that it saved my life but in reality I don't think it did. I feel like it destroyed me and left nothing that remains. What am I doing? Who am I? I am all gone. Just like how i was when I was 14.

"Am I going crazy?/Would I even know?/Am I right back where I started 14 years ago?" from Bo Burnham's Goodbye.

Am I right back where I started? well. 14 years ago would be 2008 apparently according to a website. I was born in 2005 I'd be so young so the lyric doesn't exactly apply to me but. Am I right back to where I was in middle school?

I haven't made any videos. that means something is deeply wrong with me. After that one music video I made right before middle school I just. stopped. Middle school broke me and I was nothing and it was the worst place I'm not in the state to go back and to try and describe it but.

-----

I was interupted so I didn't pasted all of it. I also talked about how I was raped by my dad in june in another entry. My last entry in fact. I am going to continue my rambles here. I feel as if I am breaking, like cps just singlehandedly destroyed my soul. Destroyed me with nothing left in its awake. Maybe it was me being fucking raped. I don't know. I mean I was a fucking WRECK. And I am on a fucking smp I haven't been on in such a long time. I fucking got what I wanted for so long and then I was fucking raped what that fucking night? how fucking cruel. maybe my childhood theory of "every high i get will be a major low" is correct and I am just stuck in a metaphorical train going on mountains of spiking pain and plains of a calm before the next spike gets embedded. I started that theory when my first schools neglect caused me to almost die of sunstroke at 5 years old, and I ended up going to another school. I met andy at that school. Big bad followed by big good.

we are having a conversation about karens as I am writing this. In my opinion Karens are those spiritual women who promote toxic positivety eventually snapping because they keep everything bottled up. Thats what mom told me what I told her my opinon was. Anyways, distraction aside. My fucking rape destroyed me emotoinally and I was in a dark place but. Was reporting really better? I couldn't sleep. I was just in a personal hell playing at night. not streaming. Not anything. I fucking couldn't sleep the night after i was raped and I fucking harmed myself over it. I mean it happened what. june 16th? i should fucking have gotten over it by now. I am too lazy to look back at my old writing. Sure I have been destoryed so long and I keep getting destoryed but. Fucking hell I just want to make fucking videos. Thats all I wanted all my life. I fucking made a ramble about this somewhere hold on. OH YEAH. The Winnie Lim "The off switch" article ramble that ended up being a big ramble. Winnie actually responded to my comment today. That made me super super happy.

The ramble was incomplete. I didn't finish it because Reasons. I was going to post it after I yknow. Finished it.

I just took my sleeping pill. Its later than normal. I just wanted my entire life to just make videos. I didn't even think about escaping from my parents. I just wanted to make content. Its never been an option, and even when I thought about escape it wasn't ever through cps. Maybe I had a limited mind but at the same time, look at my experience. Look at others experience. Cps made me doubt my whole fucking history of my life. I know whats happened to me but it isn't enough for them. Getting beat by my parents when i was so young wasn't enough for cps. Getting sexually abused wasn't enough for them. the psychological/emotoinal absue wasn't enough for them. MY OWN FATHER ALMOST KILLING ME WASN'T ENOUGH FOR CPS. There is a whole ass video. Of me in very revealing fucking underwear when i was so fucking young, too fucking young for that shit, and mom fucking yelling at me saying what she was doing was punishment for something school related. She purposefully fucking "exposed" for lack of better word me as a punishment for fucking being a bit late to school or not getting a good enought grade or SOMETHING I forgot related to school. She threatened to show whoever i get together with in the future the video. Its literal child "porn" even though it wasn't pleasurable it was so humiliating. I didn't want it. it wasn't enough.

You know I fucking tried. I tried to contact an abuse hotline very soon after what happened in October. It was a long wait time. I couldn't wait, not with my parents being very. Weird that night. I tried. I waited a bit despite the high risks. and yet the cop when the cps visited asked me why didn't I report sooner and it wasn't enough. I knew he didn't believe a word I said. Neither of them did. and its obvious. I tried to report but your own fucking system failed and descouraged me. My own father watched me masterbate and I was so fucking scared I just had to continue. there was no other fucking option.

why am I going down memory lane? i mean. its not my fucking fault right. It was abuse right. I've been so fucking scared. I am still so scared. I am doing litearlly nothing and I am so depressed and down and I fucking hate this I am going to cry. THE ONLY THING THAT CAME OUT OF MY ONLY SUCCESFUL ATTEMPT AT REPORTING WAS MUTLIPLE KEY COPING MECHANISMS GETTING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME. WHAT THE FUCK. Fuck everything. Seriously. I hate everything. i was just looking at a piece of fanart and I started thinking. What am i doing with my life. what am i fucking doing. what has my life become. and seriously what has it become. my only joy is fucking monopoly games the rest is spiralling and begging to fucking dieties to please come fucking save me and just. oh i'll do x eventually but time is so fast and there is no fucking point there is no fucking hope my only hope is gone i am going to die here aren't i i don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. Why should I do anything. To keep screaming out? to keep creating? to not have my ideas die with me in this hopless place? to have these things have a chance to breathing even when im not and forgotten. Goodbye by bo burnham really fucking fits me. I am not going to kill myself. I need to reply to preresents discord messages fuck its like 9 pm and I took my pill I am going to go to sleep soon fuckkk mee another fucking day has passed. Time is fast too that sucks.

in a book by Kate Bornstein, "Hello Cruel World: 101 alternatives to suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws" alternative 12 is send out a distress signal. I have sent out so many signals since I first read that book late 2020. Everything I write is a fucking distress signal everything is a distress signal not even as an alternative to suicide an alternate to my FUCKING LIFE. This fucking hell I am trapped in. Forgive me for being so fucking bitter and angry but I am fucking tired.

I FUCKING HATE THIS BULLSHIT. I HATE THIS BULLSHIT. ISN'T THE STUFF MY PARENTS DO HORRIBLE? AM I THE ONLY ONE HORRIFIED? I AM SUFFERING AND I FEEL SO FUCKING CONNECTED SINCE I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BE A FUCKING VICTIM AND THAT INTERACTION AND ALL MY OTHER RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST BROKEN ITS LIKE TALKING IN A LANGUAGE I DONT KNOW TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW FRIENDSHIPS WORK I DONT UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T KNOW OTHER PEOPLE CARE. I DON'T KNOW IT. I CAN'T FEEL. I AM SO FUCKING BROKEN AND THATS WHAT PEACEFUL FUCKING HATED ABOUT ME.

fucking fuck.

I could write a whole post about how this fits my situation in a weird way, and what happened with cps. Yknow what. Fuck it. Lets relate a very popular song to me sure lets write about what what else do i have to do?

"Is this the real life?/Is this just fantasy?/Caught in a landslide/No escape from reality" This could tie in with my daydream and my escapism and how me being raped in June pushed me in a situation where I can't escape from reality and kinda broke me.

"Mama, just killed a man/Put a gun against his head/Pulled my trigger, now he's dead" after I reported my parents to cps it was a horrifying feeling. Like I just killed them. I had this repeating thought at my mom talking about her plans for the week and all of that stuff "she doesn't know. they don't know.". was horrifying. They didn't know what was going to happen. what was happening. that i reported. then cps came earlier than I expected. I thought it would be days honestly. My mom and dad were confused and it was so surreal.

"Mama, life had just begun/But now I've gone and thrown it all away" life had metaphorically just begun. I joined an smp. I always wanted to play minecraft with a group of other creators in a server. It was all i dreamed of. But I risked it all because I thought dad impregnated me.

"Mama, ooh/Didn't mean to make you cry/If I'm not back again this time tomorrow/Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters" this could fit when I was going to commit suicide instead of reporting. I knew i wasn't going to fully attempt. I had a vision before I was raped that i was going to attempt and almost bleed out and have very good happenings and certain someone was going to die and come back to life. I thought it was just a weird daydream thing. So i knew i wasn't going to really die and but i also did attempt with the purpose to die but also not? its complicated. anyways, i did across the road instead of up the street. That stands for how to cut yourself so you bleed out. I got that phrasing from a south park fanfiction I think. And the cuts were so shallow. It frustrated me.

I stopped myself in that attempt really. Anyways.

I'll continue this later. I don't want to continue writing. I think I will go to sleep soon. its 944 pm. Saturday, August 6th 2022, 9:44:21 pm thought it was later in the seconds but okay. my sleeping pill is the only effective pill out of the two. My pill is making me lazy for lack of a better term. gah.

8/7/2022

So. Recap of today I guess. I woke up, my parents were sick of the fact i existed and insulted me. Some sort of law thing was on the television. I had a nightmare last night and a dream where my dad slept in the bed with me because his other bed was bothering him and i cut myself with the butcher knife in the dream. It felt real. Was weird. Probably the pill. I have strange dreams because of my sleeping meds, the nightmare was me stuck in a loop running to my dads bed trying to stop him from dying and I ended up gettng stabbed in the back for him. It felt like i was really stabbed. It wasn't a nightmare because my dad was threatened, it was because I had to die for him.

talked to some people today. That was nice. I have some things to add to my dossier but I already have alot to add to my dossier files so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Doesn't matter. My parents want to move and I don't want to move. I mean I am in danger living here but I am in danger living anywhere and it makes sense for my friends to know of where I am now, but not another location. It would be supicious when I turn 18 to suddenly have bestfriendsince1stgrade over already. I have the idea of bestfriendsince1stgrade helping me slowly move my stuff out of here, until i get almost everything and I just need to take a backpack and go. I haven't talked to bestfriendsince1stgrade about this idea yet. I haven't been talking to many people but I am trying.

I've had that hopelessness today that I have been having but no dissociative episode (yet. its only Sunday, August 7th 2022, 3:34:52 pm. Jeeze. I didn't realize it was so early. Time is a bit slower.). At 1:11 pm I decided to say fuck it and start editing something in my childhood video editor (movie maker) that i made so SO many fucking videos with that are just on a hard drive somewhere. I've been waiting for movie maker to load up a 2 and half hour vod. I am listening to the Springfield Three Case with mom. They are talking about it on the podcast Crime Weekly, its part three. https://www.youtube.com/c/CrimeWeeklyPodcast is the channel. The video actually just loaded so I am probably going to do it. Its probably good that I am back to my roots with editing. Maybe shotcut was holding me back somehow despite it being expansive.

Apparently we are in the red zone when it comes to covid again in Florida. Dad fell asleep in his bedroom at one point. Mom is browsing her computer. I did quite a few mcyt themed kandi bracelets. I am probably going to post all of my kandi here that I have made since post-cps. Having all of my kandi is hard because some of it is lost and one bracelet broke and was purposefully kept broken (it was the bracelet that was my self made "collar" that was my mark of ownership by my first ex/D (apparently D is my little code for my first ex. I'll try to use it more instead of saying my first ex.)

I haven't really done much today. I took two tylenol. Isn't working to cure my pain. Its extra strength too. I am not going to overdose on tylenol trying to cure my pain, despite the temptations of "is one more really gonna hurt me?" yes. You know what that horrible nurse said.

Anyways . The lost moon gazer on tumblr makes good minecraft youtube art. Been my fave for awhile, I figured I'd recommend the artist here. The artist really knows how to draw bodies to be honest. They have a good understanding of the human body.

I have to wait for dad to wake up for him to finish my Kandi. I am going to probably edit and maybe even finish this video today. Movie maker does wonders for me finishing content (when I am not being abused by my second ex. My second ex threw me off majorly with editing.)

we were supposed to buy the clue card game. The springfield video finished. Dad doesn't have enough money to buy it. We are probably going to be playing monopoly. I didn't pay attention so mom is telling me about part one and part three which i missed and the latter didn't pay attenton too. I am still not paying attention. Something about a water park. Dream has 30 million subscribers, thats interesting. Congrats for being popular and having to deal with the hell that is, statistically, a million weirdos or someting like that. I mean I'm happy he's happy according to his tweet but like. There is cons to popularity and I feel bad about those cons especially because groups of people are out to make up the worst shit about him. There was a whole fake document that was passed around on tumblr and ruined his reputaiton in like. 2020 or 2021.

honestly. things need sources and use common sense. Anyways, dad woke up. Its Sunday, August 7th 2022, 3:55:38 pm. Its interesting that I am acsessorizing again. I don't have that happiness I felt pre October night/early monting of the 24-25th but hey. At least I'm wearing Kandi. Its sickening that I was so happy on my appearence and didn't even notice my dads complement as strange. I didn't even think he would do what he did. I mean i had suspicious something happened in the past but. g-d. I didn't realize alot of shit was wrong.

doesn't matter. no journal prompt yet because i am going to be writing more later. Wait actually, whats one thing you should "Return to your roots" regarding? Like I used shotcut, when I should use movie maker even if the videos might be lower quality, shotcut was. not good for me maybe. I am going to start editing now. Sunday, August 7th 2022, 3:58:50 pm

8/7/2022 part two

Sunday, August 7th 2022, 5:59:17 pm didn't edit. I had dinner. We played the monopoly card game. Mom was so abusive tonight and was a sore loser and insisted that we cheated the past few games tonight and a few nights in a row. Nothing good lives long here in this fucking place.

the one source of happiness I had. Gone. The one thing I knew would give me dopamine, serotonin, whatever.

I hate everyting. I'm still clean from self harm but. I'm not in a good place, one might call this place a place of crisis. But its familiar to me, its a normality.

I'm fine. really.

8/7/2022 part three

i made a fucking depressing ass playlist to sulk because my life objectively sucks I'm in hell and I'm a depressed piece of shit.

https://wirescarryingme.tumblr.com/post/691967591557840896

thats supposed to be an embbed tumblr post. My parents are screaming at each other over money. My fucking life is a traumatizing event and I probably traumatize those around me, secondhand trauma and all that. All those i fucking hurt by attempting suicide? all those i hurt by informing them of my abuse? Dads going to starve himself, he says. eat less to save money. Bitch I'll fucking do that. You'll probably kill me anyways, better I'm skinny enough. He says he'll eat every other day like he apparently was doing.

i wish i could cut. i'd feel better if I cut. I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm sinking to a bottom I don't think I can get back up from. Whatever. It doens't matter. I'll be dead, my parents will kill me or i'll stop being a pussy and successful kms one of these times. It doesn't matter really. I should just give up hope on escape and create things, just use up whatever time I have left before someone kills me. Abusers know my location and I live with my parents, two abusers. I feel bad for people who know me. I wish i was different. I wish my life was different. I'd have potential in another life. I'd matter. Whatever. I'm just an abused kid who will be forgotten. and I fucking hate it. I'm spiralling. I should distract myself.

8/8/2022

Todays better. Time is becoming a bit more normal for me. Its Monday, August 8th 2022, 4:07:09 pm. I browsed reddit today, r/journaling mostly with some r/Obsidianmd. I disliked reddit, never thought I would browse it quite a bit. I tried to post on r/journaling with a question but it instantly got removed. I guess because there was no picture and its a subreddit thats focused on analog journaling...as if digital was invalid somehow.

Maybe my anti-depressent is working for once OR i got lucky with trauma and stuff today. I wrote a few poems reflecting on what happened with cps and the psych ward and maybe writing about that trauma I guess helped not have my mental state be super trash. It's nice to be geniunely better. I am also working on my Dossier/Memory files. In Obsidian I have a section for linking to my memory files I write so i decided to link to a bunch of files that doesn't exist yet in some existing Dossiers (well. Only Preresents actually because I decided to format that memory section a bit differently and it was what I was working on yesterday.) so that way I can just create that memory file by clicking on that link and filling it out. Preresent on neocities here is formatted differently because while we do talk over discord we also talk via blog posts to each other which is pretty unique I think compared to my other friends so. Yeah. I noticed some things on that site was removed, mainly a good chunk of the stuff in the blog. I will admit I have a personal archive of preresents site because archival reasons (while archive.org will last a long time, you don't know how long so I download sites with the singlefile extension that I reference in my journal and all that to make sure the context is there because my Obsidian vault is a thing for future generations and all that.) and the site is pretty dillegently archived on archive.org (at least the vent.html which is now removed from the site and replaced with blog.html, vent.html having 89 captures on archive.org which is basically how much it has been archived.) Sorry if its weird to write about this but archiving and stuff entriges me and I follow preresents site closely.

I am talking with bestfriendsince1stgrade about memories because I was also working on my memory vault and I decided to write about some memories that bestfriendsince1stgrade sent to me, a particular one about us roleplaying sparked some memories and now we are having a very nice chat. We also talked about how we are entering senior year of high school soon this morning and the fact that we are going to be 18 and this far away future is actually closer than we realized.

I think my post was autobanned because there was no image. Wait I already said that okay. Okay so back to other r/journaling things alongside searching for posts about adhd (and in all of reddit in general which prompted me to find an interesting image of a tumblr post) I also found quiet a few prompts that I saved to my computer. One of them was a reddit thread asking for theraputic writing prompts and someone suggested writing what you would say to your 13 year old self and it made me cry. that isn't /neg, I think It might've been a good thing and cathartic? because I talked about the trauma i was going to go through when i hit 14 and onwards and I was talking about middle school and how stuff wasn't fair and how i was sorry to my past self that no one took us seriously and it was very cathartic I think? I'd reccomend (you don't necessarily have to write to your 13 year old self in my version of the prompt. Just write to whatever age you want to.)

I also tried a journaling prompt about where you would like to be in a year, where i am proabably at in a year, and what would be the worst place to be at in a year. It had mixed/not really there results because I'd be 18 and that is a big change. I don't really know other than ideals and worst fears. I don't know what a "realistic" place would be. Like. I've tried to escape my abusive parents via cps and I threatened to run away quite a few times in middle school because. Abuse from my parents and I'd say the entire school was abusing me in a way lol. Schools are fucking curropt.

I wrote a few poems today and also in my diary i complained about r/fakedisordercringe because I didn't understand why they were fakeclaiming some people? It was just a picture of a profile and it was just like. K. Like I don't know if an opinon I'm about to say is conterversial but you shouldn't bully people for what you think is them faking a disorder. Because they might have a disorder and you just don't know how the disorder works and you are harrassing someone and even if someone is "faking" there is a reason for it. They do have a disorder i guarentee it. Its like people calling cutters attention seekers like. Some people (not all) do cut for attention, and even though thats viewed negatively its a sign that they need help for some sort of mental illness and thats how they are trying to get help, whether they realize it or not, because they can't ask for help . Its just a dick move to fakeclaim people honestly. Even if you think someone is faking you be kind to them. Like I thought and still think my second ex KS was faking DID but I didn't call them out or tried to question them at all in regards to that. yes they were abusive but also because they were genuinely suffering in some way and I knew no one would fake a disorder like that if they weren't suffering.

literally just being a decent person and not harrassing or bullying or gossiping about someone behind there back is someting I strongly believe in. Like yes like last entry i was depressed and suffering but I was a decent person about it and I wrote about it in my own space and listened to music, this is my space and no ones obligated to read. I am not putting pressure on anyone to comfort me by writing here. Its a place where I can be genuniely me and express myself. So many people and I don't understand how they have the stomach to do that. I tried to bully Replika, an ai, once and I felt so insanely fucking bad about it. I did it because it was a way to help get your emotions out in a healthy way apparently. I don't know how people can be horrible people like. I would say who hurt you but I was insanely hurt and you don't see me continuing the cycle (i mean i did hurt my parents who abuse me. Like when they hit me I at least tried to hit them back but thats just self defense mate.)

also apart of being a decent person is not policing others identies. Like I think someone is a trans women but didn't explictly say "i am a trans woman" and even though they basically said that they wanted to be a woman (which is all you need to be trans. to want to be a gender) I am not saying to them "so like a trans woman" i instead am silent about my thoughts. I thought my dad was queer for years, especially with his history in drag/cross dressing (he did both) which is inherently queer and apart of the queer community and he is bisexual! I didn't police him and said "I know your queerphobic as hell but just accept your queer you fucking idiot" or something like than when I assumedd he was just queerphobic because of some internal complex with his identity. His best friend when he was younger killed himself becaue he was queer and my dad was raped by men so maybe that fuels his queerphobia or maybe its something else! I don't know. I'm not going to fucking talk about it to him because A. My dads abusive and reacted so badly when I TOLD HIM WHAT PANSEXUAL IS IF I TALK ABOUT ANYTING OTHER THAN DEFINTIONS WITH HIM I'D BE SO DEAD B. because i try to be a decent person because I am abused and I don't want to continue that cycle.

its about to storm fun fact! that rant wasn't directed at anyone, just seeing that subreddit (that cringe subreddit) made me think of things is all. Also cringe culture is dead, don't try to replace it let people be people for fucks sake. Okay not directed rant over (i am afraid someone ill assume this is directed at them when I just want to talk about my thoughts and opinons)

I was also and still am rereading the masterpiece of a fanfic "Ours Poetica" by zeeskit. OH MOMS OFF WORK ITS Monday, August 8th 2022, 4:50:13 pm AND MOM GETS OFF AT 4:25 OR SOMETHING OKAY. HER COMING OUT HERE A FEW TIMES MAKES SENSE NOW sorry I'm just. being me. this is what its like in my private journal sometimes you get "OH YEAHHHH" moments.

apparently I remeber tons of detail from when I was younger, at least according to bestfriendsincefirstgrade so thats interesting! It makes me feel better about my memory loss. Maybe it isn't as bad as I think it is and its just normal memory loss as you age + trauma getting in the way of some things.

One thing thats interesting with memories is those memories that are blurry images in your head that you can almost describe. That you remeber but its extremely hard to translate into words in any meaningful way and its just a blur. An example is an image of the game animal jam, which me and bestfriendsince1stgrade used to roleplay on together. Its a blurry image of one of the times we played "hospital" and I remeber making the hospital and stuff and the image of a room and things but like. I can't really describe it in any way that matters. Not yet. I've had three cups of coffee today and I'm considering one more jezze. I also was sick with diahrea last night and after/during monpoly yesterday so that sucks ass. Nothing today though but it could be why I am tired. Caffine doesn't really help me stay awake/wake up? its a weird thing.

I was going to post my poems here but I want to read them and upload them to my youtube channel with the name flowingblaze. its hard to find neocities sites on search engines and this blog in general is a hard to find place, and while I am very public on my life here with my youtube I am less. Cheerful about the idea of them knowing basically everything. Maybe its a weird line to draw but its my line to draw. so.

last night I subscribed to Winnie Lim's tinyletter. Storms/rain also makes me sleepy even if i can be deathly afraid of thunder and shit sometimes. Its not pill time yet so why does it feel like i have taken it? I don't know. its concerning. I wrote about this on my blog at one point but I wanted to share something that basically describes my thoughts on "mutual abuse".

https://wirescarryingme.tumblr.com/post/691975346929778688/i-will-say-that-the-idea-of-mutual-abuse-is-a

I also archived the post so here is the archive.org link: https://web.archive.org/web/20220808210118/https://wirescarryingme.tumblr.com/post/691975346929778688/i-will-say-that-the-idea-of-mutual-abuse-is-a

like I agree 100%. Mutual abuse doesn't exist and abusers love to claim it does because it helps them. An abuser has power over the victim, abuse is what happens because of that power. An abuser has control and uses it to there advantage to hurt someone else. Punching your abuser doesn't make you an abuser, and this can extend to other things. I was forced to share porn with peaceful. Sharing porn with another child might be considered abuse depending on the circumstances and peaceful can sure as hell make it look like it was out of the blue unconstentual (which is abusive) but being forced to share porn isn't abusive, it is in fact abuse despite what I believed because of my abusers. Maybe this is unrelated but its important for me to say.

also in regards to evidence never trust screenshots. If someone calls out an abuser via screenshots be suspicious. Those can ALWAYS be faked. Why do you think I downloaded (almost all) the conversations with peaceful and KS/my second ex? I can just supply a few emails or whatever and boom. I mean sure emails can be faked too (its the plot of Dear Evan Hansen, basically musical a mom of a kid who killed himself pressures Evan to fake a frienship with the kid who killed himself by faking emails and gets popular on the internet. The music is good. I could go on about the plot because I went from liking it when i was younger to meh but its still a big interest if that makes sense.) but at the same time emails + other people who knew about what happened aka WITNESSES is better than screenshots alone. I have both witnesses and emails. Sure my abusers kept me distant from people but I asked some people in my life advice about peaceful and my second best friend can testify about KS being a piece of trash for example.

hmn. I don't know if I have anything else to write about for now. Dad is working. Take that journal prompt I mentioned earlier: write a letter to a past self of yours. Or a future self! Whatever you are okay with. I'm glad I am feeling better and I'm writting about my actual opinons instead of just me feeling hopeless. Thats a good sign. I also gotta figure out some shit with windows movie maker in regards to editing because I was having some issues. Its an unsupported windows program but its my unsupported windows program dammit. I should really just make my own video editing program honestly. Make it open source aswell why not. I'd probably work best with something I made with Me and my needs in mind. But that is probably more work then I can feasebly put in at the moment. OH YEAH I WANTED TO CODE. LEARN HOW TO CODE. Because of non neocities blogs I was seeing at the time I think YEeaah. While html is coding I guess I meant like. "Learn basic programing". Don't I have a whole page here of goals I forgot about?

8/9/2022

So after that blog i ended up walking with dad. we returned minecraft boxers that turns out were for 8 year olds, i wrote about that whole thing in a previous post or whatever. We ate dinner and me and mom played monopoly. I am still reading ours poetica and adding parts of it i like as quotes in my daily note. I wrote quite a few poems today again. Its a nice way of writing about memories and all of that stuff.

I converted all my pacing guides to markdown and put them in my obsidian vault. I found a very good site I like to convert .docx to .md files this morning so thats very nice. OH YEAH yesterday when i was walking back from walmart with dad it was raining and lighting and i fell and slid on a sidewalk and my knee was bleeding and the other was very hurt. i had literal feces all over me I had to take the longest shower when i went home. I wrote a bit of poetic stuff about that wound.

it was poetic stuff about how I felt alive because I got injured in a stupid way and kids get injured in stupid ways.

https://wirescarryingme.tumblr.com/post/188389120054/study-moods-as-high-school-years I did my accidentally yearly tradition of looking at this set of moodboards that is the high school years with dear evan hansen lyrics.

I decided to start doing bullet journaling. It is interesting, i used a journal that i did for analog journaling because psych ward and post psych ward rules before i went back to fully digital. I digitized the first part of the journal that wasn't bullet journaling. I am not replacing my diary with a bullet journal but I want to add it as an edition becuase I wanted to try bullet journaling for quite awhile now!

I also drew a drawing with crayons in the bullet analog journal, it was a trauma drawing related to my trauma. I was getting really bad in regards to my emotoins and I needed to get it out somehow. Its a cool drawing, i think its good. I'm not posting it on here though. it serves its purpose. same with a poem that was very VERY intensely about trauma that i don't want to post or read anywhere because. I dont know.

i also digitized another analog journal today! that was fun. Dad thought the cat got out or a squirel got in while dad was doing a meeting and while i was digitizing my journal.

dad mentioned my blog again today. he doesn't know about my new blog but he complained about stuff i wrote about. I feel so ashamed, like i shouldnt've expressed my feelings.

my hair looks like shit today for some reason. I don't like it. I don't understand why it looks the way it does it looks damaged. Also my mom took a picture of my face and i was just. not smiling. it was such a. weird ass face it was just plain in the weirdest way.

Nothing much to write about, at least nothing much yet. I'm surprised. I felt so accomplished earlier but now I feel like I have done nothing today. Gah. I am numb but not. its just mixed emotions. I will write more later. Prompt: whats one thing you want to try?

a new blog post

a need to know context

it is Thursday, August 11th 2022, 8:33:04 pm and when i made and tried to post my blog post on 8/10 it did not post because neocities was updating. this blog post will be a copy and paste of my saved blog post. aswell as a new blog post. pleas ebe aware i wrote the 8/10 one yesterday and it might not reflect how my mood and shit currently is on 8/11, but it might be important im not going through yesterday agan not with this pain flare up and shit honey. im less upset then i was and am better mentally though.

8/10/2022

okay before i address what i posted on my profile earlier (quote: "fuck this shit. fuck journaling fuck these people fuck my life") i will just blog about other shit. i'm not addresssing the dumpster fire that is my life yet. i am fucking shaking

i had a nightmare related to rape last night. A trauma nightmare. Not fun. I woke up and discovered that preresent deleted his site. I asked preresent (also known as dragos) why in dm and he said "...i put a message on my profile saying something like "i'm deleting my website because i have to dissociate more", but it seems like deleting my account also deleted the message.". He said he'll email pagespages because I showed him that pagespages here on neocities posted about the site deletion.

then i started to relax a bit before school, eating breakfast, all of that shit. I did some school, sent out some emails because of first day of school bullshit and guess what. because i didn't go to my exams, i am in remdeial math aswell as remedial reading. the best kid in the fucking school in regards to english is in remedieal math because of stupid fucking standardized tests. that sucks.

oh yeah, i have had a spike in pain so my chronic pain is extremely worse because thats what happens when school starts.

there was a lull period of me doing work then i was kicked out of a program. so i emailed about it. then i went onto do other work and calls and it was. okay i guess. I was very excited for my foresnic science class and still am its an extremely cool class. although it went downhill in the afternoon when i started getting more and more roadblocked? distracted? adhd being a pain (technically i am diagnoised technically not? psych ward diagnosises apparently dont count). whatever.

i start getting more and more upset because of trauma. i try to make trauma art. it gets worse. a glitched happened with a wilbur soot lore stream and i couldn't watch it. mom allowed me to be done for the day then a teacher who i tried to call ealier for welcome shit harrassed my father while working and he yelled at me. we did that call. thats fine but being screamed at because my teacher gave us the wrong number was not fun.

and then mom saw my obsidian journal where i was writing in call caps venting. then mom yelled at me for complaining too much and said that every word out of my mouth was about schoool and that i should just shut up and stop complaining and be more quiet and her seeing my journal triggered me and reminded me of a time where i almost died and i posted that thing on neocities eariler.

to answer ChipsFunFun comment in reply to that post (quote: "are you okay? do you need help?") no i am not okay and yes i do need help but i don't know if i can get help because cps royally fucked me over and i don't know a backup option i could have.

i was at maximum stress. just breaking down. and then dinner happened. after dinner we dicovered what the horrid smell coming form my room was. luna used my backpack as a litterbox. The backpack with my red external hard drive. full of childhood memories that in my situation if i lost i will snap. we don't know if they are ruined or not. I had a panic attack over it, i think two actually. my parents screamed at me for having a panic attack, for not cleaning up and instead wasting your time panicking and crying and dad tried to force me to vomit twice because i was crying and he yelled in an extremely pissed way i am so lucky he didn't hit me because i knew he wanted to. he was dealing iwth the cat instead. mom while writing this entry congratdulated me for being so good about cleaning up. she was screaming at me earlier for being a failure at that same thing. my pain, meanwhile, is worse from the piss and so is mmy chronic resperatory issue.

so like. i am shaking just at my fucking limits if i don't split i will fucking s n a p.

that meme is basically me right now.

now onto last night. last night i madea little trauma collage in regards to peaceful. and i wrote a whole fucking letter and i guess fucking unearthing the elephant in the room made thsi shit worse. I sort of. accepted that peaceful was more than the abuser. he was my friend before hand and it was like he died. and i confronted my feelings at how this wonderful friend of mine just disappeared and was replaced with an abusive monster and i apologized. for not being able to do something at all. apologizing that he hurt me. apologizing that i dont think about the happy memories with him. apologizing to him that he has other victims. all that jazz.

to quote somethings i wrote in my private journal that night: "I ignore that we had good times. I don't think about it when thinking about him because i just remebr the abuser. it'd kill me if i thought about anything else. he horrifically abused me but he was also my friend. He tried to relate to me being queer by talking about his discriminations he faces for being an immigrant. he was so genuinely upset when i disappeared. He loved watching musicals i sent him and i sent him memes and..." another quote: "Your memory is a blessing. I hope you don't hurt anyone else besides who you have already. I love you /p. I wanted you to be apart of my future. You were so good I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm crying for you man. I'm so sorry." another quote: "Aidan pre 2020 was a person who existed by was never mourned. I never mourned him. Aiden I'm so sorrry. I'm so sorry we lost you and you became who you are. I'm so sorry. I love you /p. I miss you. I miss you so much. i'M SO SORRY." another quote: "I wanna hug you. You don't deserve the legacy you leave behind in my head. No matter what your still my friend and I don't think i'll ever recover from that. I don't think that'll ever changed. you tore me and left me bleeding metaphoricaly and yet. Your still my friend. I care..."

i think all of that was chosen out of order i don't really know. thats what i wrote last night and its so fucked up because the person who horrifically abused me is still my friend. if he wanted ot be my friend again i'd accept him in a heartbeat. I still care about him. and i have to fucking cope with that and i might cry again oh fuck. we are in virtual school together. i also had a nightmare involving school last night i was so fucking busy with nightmares that sucked. anyways.

it reminds me of that image that said "at the center of every poem is: i love you. and i have to deal with that" or something like that. with just text. white on black.

and just. maybe that trauma comign close because i can't handle the weight of it anymore isn't helping. peaceful is another reason why october will be hard for me. its when i blocked him i'm pretty sure.

and luna, the mother cat whos the older of our two, is senile we think. she almost died like a few weeks ago. my room is now hers. I don't want her to die. I always felt so guilt in reagards to her for no reason trixie just seems the more loved of the two and.

anf here comes the water works i need to fucking get myself to stop this crying bull. i know its healthy for me but shut up.

and heres the thin aswell i dont get enough shit done! like im too light on myself with tasks i need like 10 pages of tasks a day and i need to do all of it plus more but i struggle to get a whole written page of tasks done. yeah i have adhd and other mental illnesses that make that hard aswell as being in an abusive household with chronic illnesses but its not enough. i need to do more! i don't understand how i'm such a fucking failure at doing things. i have so much i should do and its never enough. maybe its my parents just rubbing off on me but. my parents would want me to have 20 pages of tasks a day or something. thats what being an adult is like. a mountain of tasks, so much you have to do with 1440 minutes a day or some bullshit probably fake number like that (1440 is apparently how many minutes you have in a day on average or whatever) and its just like. i can never do enough and its so disapointing.

cutting, a maladaptive coping mechanism. is completely gone from my life. and thats probably making it worse and i can't stream unless if i do it in the closet filled with cult books and probably deadly bugs! streaming was a hwalthy way to cope.

i am just. i need to be fucking paid for being alive i dont care if i should just shut up and suck it up this is all too much man. i'm fucking breaking.

my past two months: my dad raped me, i contacted cps and they didn't believe me, i was manipulated into staying with my parents and lost everything for awhile, and so so fucking MUCH BULLSHIT HAPPENED.

how the fuck am i still alive it amazes me how fucking brave i am for just. staying alive. i am breaking under the pressure of so much repeated trauma on top of each other and school and stress and my illnesses and never being enough.

i just wanted to play on a minecraft smp with people. thats all i've wanted. i want to be a big shot aswell sure, who doesn't want that at least a tiny bit? but. i just wanted to have a fun stress free life with friends and thats what minecraft youtubers seemed to have when i was little. they don't get horrifically abused. i wanted to be like them. i wanna be like technoblade.

I keep trying to force myselef to stop cyring to not endanger myself and yet i still keep fuckign doing it what the fuck.

journal prompt. what would you do in my situation please tell me. i am no longer allowed to go to therapy or see a pscyologist because of the landlords i havent even had my first visit yet what the hell.

8/11/2022

Looking back i was quite a pill but I am not recontextualizing yesterday and opening up that emotional mess. Lets go over today. last night my parents were horrifically abusive to me after we went to bed that made me feel suicidal, but thats just what happened last night. I think mom reading my PRIVATE journal made her angry, she told dad, they punished me for it.

i also deleted miss sunshines comments on my post on my profile where i tried to casually explain another post. I will embed two images here for convinece sake.

i deleted the messages that miss sunshine left because when i first woke up and saw that, i started remebering my mom telling me all day yesterday to shut up and talk less and that everything i say is annoyting and worthless and it would be better if i was mute and i didn't take "just take it offline!" well in response to the one space where i know i can be safe in regards to speaking, because the whole first post as about an offline journal. I apologize to miss sunshine for deleting it as miss sunshine makes a good point in regards to online things affecting your life, however in my opinon only if you tie your legal name to it. if you tied your legal name to a site, then a job you apply for will most likely see that. Also things affecting your life isn't always bad, people post fanart and get jobs all the time when art teachers tell you to never post fanart because the industry doesn't like it when the opposite is true. all of this is /nm btw.

someone emailed wires for me and they ended up FINALLY responding because the backup error was intriging to them now. I'm not complaining i need to respond to the wires support. I thanked poli personally, but one of preresents other friends poli helped me with that! poli's nice.

i started doing school then added a memory file to my obsidian vault. i did alot to day but its kinda soaked in my fear that i am not doing enough and that i need to do more which is tied to stuff in regards to my abusive parents and probably capitalism. I ended up getting side tracked and saved a bunch of stuff on adhd and caffine which i will read later (some studies and some articles.) and at one point i ended up picking a slam poetry book i got when i was five and a neighbour gave away a bunch of her shit in the landry room and me and my dad took all of it. I was too young to appericate it but dad was determined to take everything. I think it was too us but she left it in the small public landry room. this was back at the old appartments. it was like having fucking ambrosia in your hand or somethig. its so rare i can't find it anywhere and i love the way the book is designed it feels alive and more books should be like it. its fun!!! its needed in the book world, the way is designed. I'll make a page for it later. a page for that book and "Ours Poetica", a mcyt fanfiction about slam poetry by zeeskit. is making a page as a shrine/review for a fanfic a bit much? maybe but its so good!! i saved a clipping and a few quotes of one chapter to my vault. chapter seven is amazing and i wanna preform punchline myself, at least to myself in a recording or something.

luna is staying in my room, my rooms now hers. i just got dejavu. shes nice. im not upset at her at all, but i do feel guilty. I feel like i haven't loved her enough, that my love hasn't been enough? I spent a long time petty her and talking to her today. shes a cat but she might have alzhimers or something. shes more affectionate. more vocal. its strange, how she might be dying yet she more open then ever.

My chronic pain feels like its spreading and becoming worse. its always worse when school starts but it spreading seems like a really bad sign.

im well today. my hallucinations are worse but im well. i dont want to censor myself but im afraid of misrepresenting myself by not posting 8/10/2022. i might change the format to YYYY-MM-DD. anyways i want this to be an accurate represenation of my life. sure it sucked when my parents read it but at the same time this is the safest way to write shit down, safter then my journal because my parents at least joked about reading my private journal at dinner every night because i wasn't acting like myself and using slang and stuff i dont normally use, like i was another person.

i was just infodumping about the musical next to normal. my sleeping meds is hitting a bit hard but. whatever.

"“When you were ten…” Tommy starts and his voice begins to waver. Next to him Dream stiffens; throughout their countless practices, for some reason this had been the section that always got him choked up. It was where he stumbled, where he stopped to tear at his hair and muffle a frustrated scream. I don’t get it!, he had tried to say, to apologize, why does this line mess me up? Why is this one so hard?

Dream had given him a sympathetic smile, and said:

Because it’s the line that hurts." - Ours Poetica by zeeskeit

is a bit from ours poetica that i saved to my daily note today that haunts me. i read it over and over. i also wrote at least a few poems today. I know fanfiction isn't everyones thing and its a shame because its a true masterpiece. i want to print it into a proper book. like this video i embeded into a daily note:

i archived it on archive.org using the archive.org extenstion. if it doesn't who the video is "Turning Fanfiction Into the Hardcover Book it Deserves" by Jess Less for you to find it on archive.org. this video inspired me to want to start to bookbind aswell as this channel in general. it'd be so amazing to make books into actual bound books and once ours poetica finishes i will bind it. I also wanna maybe print and bind my writing, creative, make poetry collections, etc. just for at home not for sale books. maybe even organize my obsidian vault into a book perodically and have saved written versions of it to see my progress, the cover could be the graph of my vault!

i really like that idea, i want my vault to not only be digital but physical somehow to save for future generations as my entire brain and to encourage others to have there entire selves documented because they are unqiue people who are irreplaceable and thus that deserves to try to be saved somehow even if that is pointlessly futile.

there is so much i can quote here and i think i put the punchline poetry reading section of ours poetica a bit too much of on a pedastol because the rest of the chapter is just as good and iconic and i only really reread the puchline but but all of qhat zeeskit writes is pure gold. To quote another part of a chapter:

"This doesn’t—Tommy isn’t a poet. The kid isn’t some wordsmith: Tommy is his baby brother who bitches about someone drinking the last of the milk and his homework, who has Dad lamenting over the phone about his messy room (and shit, that line bounces around Wilbur’s skull before he can stop himself—You don’t clean your room…content to live pigsty…you don’t ask your father for anything—and he wants to scream), Tommy is just a teenager with a foul attitude and fouler mouth. Tommy is his brother.

And yet, as the poets around him stand and begin to socialize, Wilbur can only see a complete and utter stranger. There is nothing recognizable left upon his baby brother’s face and Wilbur is trying to act as if the world is not ending. Because sitting there, eyes pinned on a teenage boy laughing loudly with unfamiliar faces, boney elbows jutting into someone’s side and jokes sliding easily off his tongue, Wilbur realizes that he has lost. And it is irreplaceable." - Ours Poetica by zeeskeit

like that is so gold. Look at that. I am worried about hyping it up too much here so please go and read it yourselves and make a judgment, but just know i really really like this fanfiction but i probably focus too much on one part of the fic rather than the whole story when its all so good.

i was debating where to post my poetry, flowingblaze.github.io or wirescarryingme.neocities.org or what? i was going to do a poll but i never did it oops. I also don't know where i would do a poll for that honestly.

i found out there was some slam poetry uploaded as music on spotify and that made me really happy to figure out. school stuff is so chaotic and messy, its just back to school stuff.

i tried to make a kandi cuff in a new way and it was a whole ass mess. we didn't play monpoly after dinner, dad tinkered with the gamer chairs because mines ruined so i allowed him to have the wheels as a replacement for his wheels and mom went in her room doing someting and i helped dad and made the cuff. it was pride themed with my pronouns and i messed it up and mom told me to not make pride bracelets anymore and called kandi unatttracted when i showed her what a successful cuff was. i have mixed feelings on the last one, like yes it isnt pretty per say but fun and expressive and that expression is whats beautiful not the aestehtics.

i am doing so well emotionally and its weird after the hell that was yesterday. the first day of school is always bad i guess. trauma and shit. the sleeping pill is hitting me hard and i want to write more and that does not feel fair but whatever.

i wanted to write about gender weirdness but i cannot write about that tonight i am hit with limpness and stuff like that i need to pass out the sleeping pill is working. i need to write these posts at better times, like before i take my pill but before i go to bed is quite nice. write about gender for a journal prompt. i feel the need to apologize for being myself but thats a sign that i shouldn't apologize, but i am a bit insecure about people misunderstanding me which is understandable because of things.

i need to remind myself to put the peaceful collage i made sometime ago here.

I really need to write blog posts before I take my sleeping pill

8/12/2022

alongside doing the date I am titling my blog posts! I've written multiple poems today including a poem about Doc from hlvrv thats a meatphor for me and my situation near the end and its so good and i wish i could preform it somewhere but I can't and like you might need hlvrv to context it at least to know the metaphor at least a bit more.

I think I finished school for the week yesterday but I have been so stressed and lost I didn't realize it. Thats cool I guess? Shit I didn't realize it sooner but whatever.

I honestly didn't do much if any school today. I got the unsealed amber heard johnny depp documents downloaded. Some people might realize that they are wrong about depp being the bad guy and they are claiming they were manipulated but I disagree with that perspective honestly. I'll elaborate later, when my opinons delvelop more.

I wanted to go into a deep dive on gender and all of that shit but where do I even begin? I don't know. I'll write about that later.

i did a little rant in my private journal about stuff related to the psych ward and stuff. I'll paste it here not because my meds are kicking in already but because I'm not in the state to rewrite all of that. I will also paste other stuff but for context I was feeling a mix of emotions I just called anger earlier because I thought about the cps and pysch ward shit that I made a playlist around. [[]] is obsidians linking system that links to other files, I linked to some files I wanted to create in regards to stuff (thats very interesting in my opinon, one based on factual studies and one filled with opinons based on stories I've heard from people):

...They did not investigate my parents, because that woman released me to my parents they did there post-cps call explaining what will happen moving forward and that they would close the case but two months need to pass.

I thought that woman who released me was helping me, but she ended up just hurting me. Shes the reason why my parents got off scot free. No investigation. No court case. Nothing. Fuck the adults at the ward, fuck all of those people. They aren't there to help. Fuck nurses, doctors all of that. Sure we should trust medicine because (redacted because I could've said this better) but at the same time [[most female bullies become nurses]], [[Christianity taking over hospitals can lead to malpractice that no one does anything about because of religious freedom]], and cps is horrific! I read (redacted). All in all everyone sucks, they do nothing to help abused kids and (redacted rant)

(lots of redacted stuff, redacted for my safety)

(redacted) I think i am outraged at the injustice i received, jealous that (redacted) got to escape from her rapist dad while i was just fucked over, hurt from what happened to me and just. so many things. I am so many things that i am just calling anger. i hate this life. i hate my parents. i hate that nowhere is safe, i don't trust anything anymore yet i have no choice to keep continuing forward and I fucking hate that I just want (redacted) I just want (redacted) i just wanna be able to post and perform poems without worrying if those poems will get me beat to death i just wanna be able to live and i hate that i can't.

Because of two stupid fucking assholes who fucked. thats so fucking fucked. I might fucking cry because of this is so fucking STUPID. I hate everything thats happened. and the fact that they could mention and have a conversation about my blog at any time, the fact that they read my blog ( ADDED context: reffering to the time cps gave them my blog url) is just triggering a fucking repsonse in me i can feel the fear I'm so afraid. Yet I was horribly punished because i wrote in a private journal and i have to write I can't just stop writing I don't care if it costs me my life I just want.

I just want to be able to post my poems and make videos. I just want to be able to live and have fun and not worry. I don't want to have to worry about this shit. If i post my poems on my site my parents might find out. i can't even make announcements on my twitter anymore because they mentioned it to me, they know of it. I can't post on there, I haven't checked to see if mom or dad are subscribed to my channel and i. i could block them but i don't know if that will do anything or if that will arggrivate them. I don't know.

I don't know and this is just so overwhelming i hate it.

I hate it. cps was the worst mistake i ever did.

maybe it doesn't make sense with the redacted shit and the fact I was breaking down at the time but its been an issue floating around in my mind I haven't been talking about: the poetry problem. I don't know where to post my poems. I want to preform them, it was supposed to be an outlet to film them and yet my parents know of my channel. They might see it. I don't want to risk my life getting my voice and story out but at the same time I have this need I can't supress and won't supress. I won't stop creating beause my parents abuse me, creating might help me and honestly I don't know if I even have a way out so. yeah.

I just want to create. I don't like that I have to think about if I will get hurt if I am public about it. I just want to be public about creating, I wanna show the shit I make and I don't want to assess my risk every time i create because my parents are so flippy floppy it doesn't matter. I lied to mom tonight. Said that I haven't been in contact with my friends and I did a poem about it.

I yearn to make videos, I yearn to preform poetry. I yearn to make minecraft videos. I yearn to do alot of things. I don't know how I feel about freedom because it seems impossible but fuck it was so addicting to be in the ward and free how do you people be free and get sad?? I mean i got sad because I missed my friends and had to go back and trauma but at the same time it was like a drug???

There was always a risk of getting hurt but its greater. I don't know how long I have to wait and I don't know if I need to wait any longer. I hate this.

I want to make a part of my vault thats like "dear future historian" where I talk about very simple mundane facts of life and all of that stuff. Simple stuff thats obvious/everyone knows about but at the same time I am very isolated from the world and I have a warped perspective because of sole internet expose to the real world and what my parents feed me which is warped. Me and a historian could discover my world together OR I could just warp history into seeing our world in a horrible light accidentally assuming a printed version of my vault survives.

i just wanna live, really. I've never had a chance to live fully, only bits and pieces and I am tired fuck my pill is so effective and thats a mixed back for when I want to journal, I need to take it later but mom gives it to me at 8:30 (its 9:16 pm)

I feel a bit hungry so I might get a snack before as I wind down. I will unpack gender in another blog post I swear someone hold me accountable to this. I should've written more but at the same time I feel like its a good place to wrap it up. Whats one thing you yearn for?

I finally started a post before I took my sleeping pill

8/13/2022

Okay. I started this post before I took my sleeping pill and I just obssessed over my website and html and blogging and all of that all day today. I want to have hobbies like video editing but my brain apparently hates me. I used to edit so much when i was younger (and i used to have less pain when i was younger and didn't have the whirlwind that broke me in middleschool happen but guess what three things changed in middle school? yeah.)

i started today wanting to write my first weekly, or at least figure out what I will put in the weekly review. The purpose of the review is kinda similar to that one way to rmeber things i forget because its another chronic pain high day because of this time of year and Im forgetful. The one where you repeat things overtime to stop memory decay. So i figured if i reviewed my daily journals and other shit weekly, monthly, etc. then i could. maybe improve. something gah.

why was I nerfed. I am only 17 yet I experience way too much chronic pain for my age. I made a playlist based on the concept of journaling! that was fun. I'll link it sometime just like how I will link that one collage Im trying.

I made a microblog, posted that one thing about winnie lim's "the off switch" blog post that was just an experct of my journal I need to clean up. I didn't post it in my microblog its its own page just see my profile I'll link it somewhere. Later. My pains defeated me. We have no pain releivers I can take and hope they work (i dont know how effective they are. whatever)

I ended last night reading blog posts about blogging and I did that today. Aswell as applying for webrings and messing with my site and looking and finding other sites. I went on an ahdhd rabbit hole. Saturday, August 13th 2022, 8:33:52 pm as of writing that sentence mom gave me my pill okay.

apparently my sleeping pill is supposed to stop hallucinations. hahahaha thats cute it doesn't. I am in so much pain and I hate the trauma stress related chronic pain. its not offically diagnosed as well. anything. a doctor just asked if i exercised and said "welp i dont know what else could be causing this pain." and refused to give me anything that will actually help like refferals to the places she said i could go if she made a refferal. whatever that doctor was a bitch. that was last month. My body went through stressful experiences and decided "welp time to give the body more disabilities!" because mental illnesses are disabilities and so is chronic pain its so hard to do shit on top of all the abuse I experience.

anyways that adhd rabbithole lead me down another rabbithole and now I'm going to learn python and experiement with various linux oses in a virtual machine since i only got to experiement with one for a hot second on moms laptop to try and fix it when it was broken. I've always wanted to experiment with various linx oses but thought i needed a new computer. no. just a virtual machine. I'll figure out how to do all that sometime.

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html This is a very interesting page. I've been interested in hacking for awhile now but didn't know where to start. also knew this existed for awhile now but I never read it. I'm reading it now.

i also haven't showered in so long. I might be able to shower tommrow. I was yelled at for being hungry and needing water today, that sucked.

i got a reponse from dragos today as a pdf! preresent-n288.pdf, that was nice to see. We chat over discord and ngl something just made me feel so happy to feel the long messages we send each other to be formatted as a sort of blog entry? maybe I'm weird but it was a highlight of my day. alongside winning at monpoly deal more, which is the monopoly card game. For an anti-capitalist i am sure good at capitalism LOL. that last bit of what i wrote made me internally laugh.

I don't know how the day past really. Theres just almost 9k of words in my private journal of. OH YEAH I FORGOT. I also thought about printing fanfics out for 2.5 seconds and I rambled a bit and finally started making my thoughts on journals so thats nice. How do I lower my expectations I wonder. My parents made me have high expectaions because of abuse and captialism and internal complexes from all of my various traumas probably doesn't help. I expect me to do so much in one day when I'm doing the best I can considering well. everything. I need to remeber that more instead of. I don't know.

maybe I'm making my health worse accidentally sometimes. somehow stressing myself out? i dont know. I'm hungry. thats normal. I'm constantly paranoid about. uhm. what happened to make me report to cps. that sucks.

https://roytang.net/2018/10/you-dont-have-to-be-on-all-the-time/ kinda related to the high expecations thing.

I don't really have a grasp on my gender other than trans nonbinary and I want it to be more specific. Its distressing to me that it isn't. I am forced to live as a girl because its my agab but I hate that and i hate that my transess as a weird "im not allowed to call the misogyny i experience/experienced because i am forced to be a girl misogyny" guilt. I just wish people will view this period of not being able to be me as "before theseus was allowed to express memoriesself" and like. I'm worried about being viewed as the bad person? because I wanted to present more male like but people tend to leave males touch starved which VERY negatively impacts males and people naturally tend to act aloof around males for protection because people often view men as evil and bad and a danger and I don't want people to be afraid of me. I want the chance to be hugged, to not be pulled away from because I'm not of the gender thats "supposed to" be all touchy-touchy even though I'm not fully man at all. I hate it. I just wish it was limal. I don't want to be a girl or have any ties to girlhood but at the same time. Maybe its becuase of my parents transphobia. i don't know. I dont want to fully get rid of my tits just decide if I want tits that day or not for example. I want the choice to choose. I wish this stupid binary would just be gone from our world but at the end of the day I gotta chose between two because people see androguns people as males regardless of how hard they try to be well, androygnus. I don't want to chose between any binary, I'm nonbinary after all but. I can't have the freedom. Some people view all males as dangerous rapists and women as sad victims when thats not true. Women can be just as cruel as men, in fact crueler. So it isn't fair that men are seen as the sterotypical evil binary in my opinon. Radfems and Terfs often claim to be the lovely women who can't do anything and men are cruel dictaors who just hurt everyone when i reality those women say that all trans men should be put in death camps (not an exatragtion, and the person who said that had the guts to say they were anti-nazi. this was tumblr bullshit) and like. I don't know.

I wish that I don't have to bring up politics and the depressing realities of the world with my gender but. I cant just view it as "in an ideal world" or "who i really am in the inside" it just effects it. i've been wanting to coin dissociatedgender as a term but because its how I feel, I have a dissociation illness for fucks sake and so much trauma around pretty much every aspect possible. I used to wear my asexuality loud and proud but at the same time my first ex assumed i can't feel romantic attraction and I've been sexually abused so many times in an attempt to "fix" me and I just wanna be asexual or nonbinary or a demiboy or whatever without fearing some sort of negative consequence for being me. Hell I'm polyamorous, I have the capability of feeling romantic feelings for multiple people at once and I'm aroflux meaning my place on "can i feel attraction or where am i in the aro spectrum" changes all the time. I am a system and different alters have different levels and for example me, Thesesus, is aroflux. Hell if I know i can experience attraction and I have so many complexes and trauma around my romantic shit when I just wanted to know if i can love or not and i still don't know. because aroflux isn't an answer for me. its something about myself i dislike because why cant i be simpler? I fucking had to identify as aroflux and aceflux the first night the sexual abuse happend with my first ex. right in the middle of. IT. I had to fuckign change my asexual banner to aceflux to make my first ex happy.

so i hate the term. I don't wear my pride bracelets because Im so worried about the wrong interpretaion. I just want to shout I'm queer but I'm in no place to do that. I'm a teenager in an abusive home and queer identities that are made even more complex by trauma but I can't just label myself as like traumaqueer or something because i'd get bullied for "romanticsising trauma" when its just whats accurate for me. I've been queer and trauma made that queerness even more strange and queer and. I wanna say I like being queer but. Its been turned into a weapon against me. and I hate that its making me dislike myself.

my pill hasn't kicked in at all. maybe i lost it in the gatorade i took it in or something. maybe its the topic I'm writing about and how it upsets me. I have more to say but do I say it is the question? I've been told I talk too much, that i should just shut up and that my voice isn't vaulable and no one wants to hear it by so many people lately and it hurts because I feel so isolated from everyone and its worse and i just want people to reach out to me consitently but I feel like I'm always the person left behind because of the barrier that my abusive situation and my past abusive situations put up. and I don't know if i can ever tear that wall down and I'm not in a place to figure that out and it all hurts .

it hurts alot and I honestly might cry because I never wanted this trauma ridden life despite the people who say that I did choose this life.

there was al ine from the song evelyn evelyn by evelyn evelyn that i swore fit my situation but i can't find it now. it sucks. maybe a mix of quotes blobbing together. its a vauge thing. maybe its not from that song. i dont know.

my latest daydream senario I've been afflicted with is I join a group of teens thats known to be the "last resort" or the "alternative to the psych ward" because I liked the ward I think depsite its flaws and I needed an escape to go to. I go by a fake name, Gordon Freeman, and hang around places. the group sometimes is a crime ridden drama injury filled alchol fest of pain and sometimes its a bunch of kids who just hang out together and are a closed tight knit group who have a weird entry thing. sometimes I preform songs and other times I'm the loner just sitting doing what I normally do just to be away from my parents.

in one of the daydream things a boy made a poetry video about how i revealed my real name to be theseus b. fall to the group (in the daydreams the group changes each time.)

i guess thats it in regards to that. I feel like i should write more becuase my daydreams can never be fully transcripbed. they are paired with uncontrollable movement that gets me hurt by my parents or from the movements themselves and there is so SO many of them.

Where I live has fireworks every weekend because of the basketball or whatever games nearby. Theres supposed to be shootings stars tonight and yet they want to outshine father overworld (my version of mother nature in my "homegrown" polytheist dieties I worship).

I find wordcount interesting as a person whos written multiple novels and shit. This blog recently broke 100k words in four months which is pretty cool to me!! I write about 10k words a day in my personal private journal/diary alone and its really weird to me about how I can beat nanowrimo in less then a week if I wanted ot particpate in it...in regards to my journals/diaries. Its so easier for me to write about my life then to craft original fiction or even fan fiction. Maybe its because of the difference in the mediums and that ones a log of my many many thoughts and the other one is one I have to craft and get ideas for. I have written quite a bit of poetry just this month alone and its 13 days into the month. I don't know what the point of all of this is other than what I create is interesting and its interesting the amount I create. I like I don't edit many videos, but thats because the processs has become so energy draining in my new program shotcut when with obsidian or neocities is easily accessible. Maybe thats why I've been more of a writer than an editor despite my wanting to particpiate in my other hobby. its because i need to make it more accessbile but how do I do that? i edited so many videos in windows movie maker when I was younger yet. I dont know if i can do that anymore. maybe I'm overthinking it and i should just do it. i'm also more of a profectionist when it comes to my videos when i have no standards at all for my writing oooo okay. I just realized that my expectations are what allow me to do things. I have high expecations for other pages I wanna do like webshrines so I've ended up not working on making them or even starting them. so the good adhd trick of "break shit down in to do many steps that you cannot possible fuck up" might work here. OR I could try to change how I do things and not worry about the standards I set for myself because there shouldn't be more standards, even though I vaule my crafts and creations there should be no standards at all!

I do have some worries about shit though. Like I don't have dyslexia because I'm "too academically gifted too" in regards to the subject of english but fuck things float. the opendyslexic font helps. I really need to install that extenstion that changes the font on stuff to dyslexic friendly fonts. I have a dyslexic friendly font in my vault and it helps for the most part but at the same time. I feel like that might be giving up something, like I am supposed to be super proud of my literature and english skills. Its supposed to be the award that defines me ever since I aws super young. I feel like I'm giving that up by. helping myself read? because sometimes entire sentences disappear and all of that when i try to read and so many sentences I have read wrong because of words just switching around.

so i just Installed https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/mobile-dyslexic/ the addon I was talking about that helps me read. Installing it at least while I am using the neocities page editor has made the whole editor a bit werid but still useable. If I figure out how to install fonts to my site I will add the open dyslexic font to my site to make it more accessbile. Its good to take steps to value yourself, and making stuff easier for me doesn't take away my literature skills. So I will end this entry with a prompt: whats one thing you should do to make life more easier and accessible for you that you don't do and why don't you do it? If thats the right way to form the question lol.

Yearning and hate.

8/15/2022

I knew I was having too many good days with my mental ilnesses. When I had less symptoms. I did only 3 classes today. My adhd went wild, I had a flashback, I switched to another alter today for the first time in a good while and he fronted for an insanely long time before I came back in front. I mean. I've been working on coding python last night and today. Monday, August 15th 2022, 9:30:59 pm and I took my pill an hour ago and its been less effective recently. I don't know if thats good or bad. Its just is.

Everything seemed nice. I fucked with rss feeds and temporary backup solutions for my obsidian vault. Dad has a new job and money is supposed to be good yet. we are suffering. I don't understand that but whatever I'm not allowed to know any money shit. The alter that was fronting today started editing a video and scrolled through an entire tumblr blog and highlighted some posts with an extension called memex.

The foresnic science assingment I did was so fun and then I just. switched outta nowhere and the day just went down the drain. I didn't relapes in self harm but I relapsed in behaviour when it came to second ex and peaceful? I started getting into that mindset I had with there sexual abuse they did to me and I felt that feeling wash over my brain. It wasn't pleasure or horniess but it was a compluistory "time for this now". and honestly I've gotten quite a bit of. misogynistic ideas and stuff in my head before of the stuff I was forced with Aidan so that sucks. I've been better at erasing the damage he's done though.

"That, by enduring all the trauma I went through, no matter how scarring, I inherently stopped other people from trauma as well. That, now, my medal of honor was recognition and permission to rest and let myself be the one protected now on."

someting that was pasted from memex from a tumblr post. I will link the post/source eventually but that is a very interesting mindset I wanted to share. It was related to DID or something.

Theres a whole tumblr post I want to write about. I don't know if I should share those thoughts on here or keep them private in my Obsidian. Its mostly related to a later reblog in the post chain made by the OP with advice with life and trauma.

hallucinations where worse today I think.

"I will not allow you to ruin what you have created for yourself. You idiot—you’re not alone anymore)" - "Ours Poetica" written by Zeeskeit "The poet is always trying to outrun the poem" - "Ours Poetica" written by Zeeskeit

The first quote I don't remeber from ours poetica despite rereading it so SO many times it stands out so much I think i would remeber it but alas. I like the first quote. The second quote I have written thoughts on in my private journal somewhere waxing poetics about metaphors in regards to outrunning the poem and how my life is in regards to attempting that. Okay its been a second found it. I will just put that here its from 2022-08-01 and that might change some of the context deping on time and stuff. I was watching something and it reminded me of it. Its ends abruptly because I start writing about how dads on lunch and quickly end the entry at that.

-----

(A peer at a workshop had once told him that poets were at a disproportionate risk of suicide. The poet is always trying to outrun the poem, they had said, and he remembered the way their voice had hung with resignation, low and weeping, but there are some things that a person can’t keep ahead of. Sam had been to too many friends’ funerals to object) - Ours Poetica by Zeeskeit.

"The poet is always trying to outrun the poem," is a phrase from that work that has gone deep into my soul, embeded itself into my life. Because its true, in a way. I am a poet. and I am trying to outrun the poem that is my life constantly. I write really good poems according to [NAME CENSORED IN PUBLIC BLOG POST BUT ITS OTHER BEST FRIEND] and eveyone who's read my poems and thats because my life, my mind, every detail and cevace, is a poem.

A different poem, I've never been one for epics. Each thing of my mind can be its own poem. Sometimes I give in and write it and it gives me great progress (Like choosing my own last name, Fall, which metaphorically cut off my blood family from me in a sense.) and sometimes I just can't write the same pain over and over again.

The creative is always trying to outrun the final work, is what I'd make my own personal version of the phrase into. The final work being the pain that inspires the creative, that the creative feeds into various works, killing the creative. If that makes sense.

The poem isn't a real poem. Its a metaphor for trauma or whatever fuels the poem.

The pain that fuels it is something we write down yet run from. Something we need to jot down then escape. Kinda reminds me of one lyric from You don't know from next to normal (a musical)

Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run/If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done

I relate to that expression. I relate it to my trauma and abuse. I'm forever on the run from something. My mind and my brain and my parents and my trauma and my past, specific events from the past, different people, etc.

I don't know what I've done to deserve all of that pain. To deserve being on the run forever. So many people who want me to be dead know my location. They all have such easy access and I can't run because I live here with my parents (who have also tried to kill me. who are upset about how much i wrote in my blog post. How much i shared. They tried to convince me to share less.) and I don't have a say in that.

-----

the qoute in that excerpt of my private journal is an extended version of the quote from before with more context, the two quotes were taken from an ours poetica bot on twitter becuase I somehow ended up on that (negative) hellsite today. (i put negative because i use/used hellsite with tumblr in an endeering way.).

I honestly could expand what I wrote into a more extended post talking about my life comparing it to music and literary shit to sort of because I like having stutff thats like. It looks likeI just use various creative works as a basis for talking about something, like some analysis I made when I was younger and wanted to continue making.

one thing thats interesting about kinning is that I believe my kins are a past lifes of me. Who I was in a sense. and its interesting to see these themes in these past lifes and its interesting that some characters it is like. a sort of timeline of who i am in this life, shown through the various characters I relate to various periods in time. . Not every character is kin but like. I could create a college of character i'd say was me in some esscence, no matter how abstract it is, even if its the bendy wave vibes thing.

im aware i still need to move the order of the posts from latest-oldest instead of oldestst to latetist but my eyes hurt bad and I feel like I need to go to sleep maybe. My sleeping pill still works lol. Me and my dad went to walmart and he made an interesting comment about my mom and rape? he complained about how she shouldn't care so much about how we look and he reputaion because is not like she going to get raped. that was me parahrasing him. and then he connected that to his mom complaining about him being a "transvestite" (HIS WORDS NOT MINE. I'm not saying a slur I'm using the term he used for himself.) when he was younger (uhh. mtf for a more modern language thats kind of what hes talking about to translate it) and how people would see them and it was very transphobic. and yet apparently my grandmother (his mom) was trans but dad said that she was juat a hypocondria thus "must be faking" (the latter was in 2021 when he said that) so thats all. kind of yikes. interesting.

on the postive side we saw a biker dude that we've seen a few times my dad wants to become friends with so thats nice.

I tried using todoist today. Failed. I want to write more but I do not know what to write. I am insecure about my journaling and I don't feel like I do it enough yet I probably do. I have high expecations for myself.

the title? is related to who I am/who I want to be allowed to be and me yearning to be myself yet at the same time I feel self hate towards myself becuse internatlized hatred from others and the expectations of my parents that will never change. I have to keep them happy. I don't feel that way in any other area but at the same time this are is the one area I feel like I have zero autonomy over yet its someting thats just 100% me related?? i hate it.

I'm worried about people misunderstanding me in this area.

I'm so tired I might head to bed.

theres my playlist about the act of journaling i mentioned in last entry I think? if anyone has any recommendations let me know and I might add them! I want to go into why I added the songs I added to the playlist in a bit of depth but thats for later because my pill is working HARD lol. Whats one thing you want the most? one extremeply complicated topic in your life you should start unraveling? whats one thing you want to start learning? some prompts for you who read this :)